The Escapist

An introvert who only finds escape in a part of life where he is a shutterbug..!!

[escapistloner]

A letter to my Mentor..

Abbu Jaan, I know this letter can never reach you but don't know why I am feeling this urge to pen down a few things, perhaps it will lessen some burden and I will fee lighter. It's strange that while writing this, I am really feeling like I am talking to you. Abbu, I am missing you very much these days, you know your little kid's marriage date was fixed yesterday. You have left me and gave others the control over my life, the right which only you and Ammi deserve. It's not that simple that you have just left me alone here, you have also taken along the charm of life and reality is now I am tired of this life and want to be together with you asap. It's just this one little decision which has refreshed all those feelings which I have been suppressing since long, and when I imagine about that day, I literally don't want to live for that moment. I don't want to see that day without being you on my side. I know you can't come back to us, but doors from my side are open, sooner or later everybody has to die then why not now. Abbu, I don't know what I want from my life now, it was you who gave me the aim of doing PhD because you wanted your son to be a doctor but now I don't have anymore motivation in any aspect of life. I don't know if it's me who is passing the days or is it the days which are passing me. Sometimes, I feel like I am ungrateful as for now, Alhamdolilah your son is blessed with almost everything (except your shade). But then the problem is that I'm not satisfied with all what I have, it's not that I want something else, it's like that now I don't want anything at all. It's not that I am not trying my best to be optimistic about life but I am unable to attain the stable ground on which I can stand and look ahead, instead all the time I am just looking backward because as far as I recall the thing I call 'life' was what I was living in your shade as everything was on my side then. At the end I would like to ask you for the forgiveness and you know about what I am referring here. I am sorry that I couldn't ask for it in person, and the reason is I never had the enough nerves to say it to you. Please, forgive me for what I did. Abbu, I am also verry sorry that I couldn't even say a thank you for all the care, love and support, I got from you. Now, you know I have solid grounds to hate myself and my piteous life. It's not that I don't want to live anymore without any reason, I have been a misery all my life, committing mistakes, taking for granted the unconditional love by you and Ammi and not being able to reciprocate a single bit of it. Your little son misses you a lot, loves you a lot and desperatley looking forward to see you! "Rabbir hamhuma kama Rabbayani Sagheera".. Aameen, SumAameen. - Yours Ali

[escapistloner]

I'm sorry..!!

I'm sorry I'm ugly. I'm sorry I'm disgusting. I'm sorry I'm bifacial. I'm sorry I'm weird. I'm sorry I'm damaged. I'm sorry I'm broken. I'm sorry I'm not a good child. I'm sorry I'm not a good friend. I'm sorry I lie. I'm sorry I betray. I'm sorry I want to die. I'm sorry for existing. I AM SORRY..!! #Confession #Regrets #Sorry

[escapistloner]

The Real Me..!!

I'm the ugly brother. I'm the fiend son. I'm the cozen friend. I'm not even the second choice. I'm the "leftover" I'm not the apt one. I'm not the smartest one. I'm the rejected one. I'm the "stay away from me" one. I'm just not a fit for this world. I feel like I've never been good enough for any one and I never will..!!

[escapistloner]

Just let it go..!!

When you give yourself to someone who doesn't respect you, you surrender pieces of your soul that you'll never get back. There comes a point when you've to let go and stop trying with some people. If someone wants you in their life, they'll find a way to put you there. Sometimes you just need to let go and accept the fact that they don't care for you the way you care for them. If someone doesn't show you the same love that you show them, and acts as if you're unimportant, this may be a big clue as to the fact that you don't need them in your life either. Let them leave your life quietly. Letting go is oftentimes easier than holding on. We think it's too hard to let go, until we actually do. Then we ask ourselves, "Why didn't I do this sooner?". If you could release them, you would know more peace. If you're looking for a happy ending and can't seem to find one, maybe it's time to start looking for a new beginning. The only people you truly need in your life are those who respect you and want you to be in theirs. You deserve better now. You deserve someone who appreciates you and who won't play with your delicate heart. Just like a cut on your hand will take sometime to heal, your broken heart needs time to heal as well. That's not the end of your life. You'll get over that pain you're having right now and one day you'll be happy again.

[escapistloner]

A Letter to Someone; From the Introvert

I don't know where I should start this letter, and how I should word my apology to make you believe the guilt I'm dealing with right now. I know you are more hurt than angry. Trust me, it was never my intention. Sometimes, things are complicated. The only way they can be made simple, is by ignorance. It was never my intention to do this, I never have had to and probably you know this. In all this time, I've shared my deepest feelings, my most complex emotions. All I want to say is I'm sorry, and trust me, this apology means a lot to me. I know I'll never get an opportunity to do this in person. However, whether in person or through this letter, it is important that my apology reaches you. Please forgive me for the things I said and for the things I ended up doing. Give me a chance to do something that will help erase this incident from our life together. Please give me a chance to pull out this regret out of my soul which is rooting up deep and deep even in my bones.

[escapistloner]

That damn feeling when you break those few last strings which drag u back to someone who meant and who mean something to you. A hurting but right decision..!!

-- M u h a m m a d A l i

[escapistloner]

I hate you..!!

I hate you. no seriously. i really fucking hate you. i wish i could rail a line thicker than your dense personality so maybe i can get all of the shit you caused out of my head. i hate you. you make me want to bring this addiction back and it’s not like i didn’t already miss the drugs. fuck you. you took from me. you stole from me. i hate you i can’t say it enough how much i despise your very existence. and for fucks sake if you read this don’t you dare romanticize this. this is not about lost love or any of that bullshit. it’s called slam poetry for a reason. because i wish i could slam your face into a brick wall. i wish i had enough cigarettes cocaine molly acid heroin ketamine hash oxy pain killers to get rid of you forever. fucking give me crystal meth if that’s what it takes to get you out of my head. it’s not like i already wasn’t going through hell. give me drugs. i can’t breathe. i hate you and I fucki'n hate you..!! -- Words describing my state well, taken from a fb page.

[escapistloner]

I wish I could be someone's Gus and someone could be my Hazel, short but a perfect love life..!!

-- M u h a m m a d A l i

[escapistloner]

There is so much to say, so much to ask, but this silence in between is a vacuum, absorbing everything in, letting nothing out..!!

-- M u h a m m a d A l i

[escapistloner]

Person I hide inside..!!

The person I hide within me is so insecure. He thinks that he would never be good enough. Sometimes, he lift his head with a balloon of hope inflating inside of him but people's piercing, criticising gazes deflate that balloon. And then, he is forced to smile, he is expected to be happy, he is supposed to make everyone happy, he is supposed to tell what is inside him, he is supposed to make everyone happy so they don't get bored of him. All he want is a place where no one disrupt his insane thoughts, no one ask what you're thinking, what you're hiding. The person I hide within me fears the people around him, he hates the light. He wants to stay in the dark, to hide his demons. People around him think he is lucky, his life is free of flaws but even his friends don't know how broken he is. The person within me wants to prove himself but he is left with no chance, no opportunities, and the worst thing is, he closed all those doors by his own hands. But most of all, he wants that judgement and silence to come to an end. He wants an adhesive of hope to fix his shattered soul that is crushed by the weight of sin he has committed, the trust he has broken, the agonising thought that he will never be trusted again. -- M u h a m m a d A l i

[escapistloner]

I wanted you to go naked, not by removing clothes but by opening your soul, by lowing down your guards..!!

-- M u h a m m a d A l i

[escapistloner]

I don't agree anymore that getting things out of your chest relaxes you, ruining your intimacy by exposing it to others tortures you a different way..!!

-- M u h a m m a d A l i

[escapistloner]

You and Me..!!

I get distracted all the time, I get disappointed in Allah, I sometimes want to trade off hereafter for this worldly life, I feel like I cannot take it more. These moments, they keep on coming and keep on testing my faith. Sometimes, all I want is to cry and ask Him that why only me, why not others. I think we all are struggling with religion, no one's perfect here, I just pray that our faith becomes stronger, that we become strong enough to not care about this worldly life for this life is nothing in front of hereafter. I pray our hearts turn towards Allah, and His guidance and hereafter. We are broken in one way or another, don't think for once that you are alone in this, don't take it as a sign that our Lord does not love you enough. The only reason He puts us in difficult situations is to test our patience and dedication towards Him. Don't you see that the good days are coming, just hold on, just pray from Allah and trust Him blindly and you will see the best of days of your life. A little more patience and you will be the most contented and peaceful person, just hold on with me and trust on Him..!! -- M u h a m m a d A l i

[escapistloner]

Me and my boundaries..!!

I'm quiet most of the time, I just stare and think. People around tend to ask me, "why are you so quiet?" I just smile and shrug. I know I'm quiet most of the time but my mind is LOUD, my mind is screaming all the time. I wish I weren't quiet, I wish I shared my emotions easily. I don't know how to start, my words get frozen within my lungs because I don't think anyone around me worth listening what I have inside and those to whom I can spit out all aren't ready to listen me..!! -- M u h a m m a d A l i

[escapistloner]

Inspired from TFIOS

I dont' want to panic by the fact that we all have some sort of cancer within our blood, and we all will die of it. Somehow, someday, instead I want to smile and live my part of life I was destined to and limit the pain to the amount of feelings which will not overcome the intensity of love & care which is for my loved ones even if they're not aware of it..!! -- M u h a m m a d A l i

[escapistloner]

The worst thing about secrets is you can't get them off your chest, they can't be wrote, they can't be told..!!

- Muhammad Ali

[escapistloner]

The person I hide within me..!!

The person which hides in me is at insanity level, where he is in his own lost world, with dreams in his eyes to get lost in mountains and forest. A person who doesn't has any limits left in him, he loves extra-ordinary, feels way too much where even sea also fails to count its depthness. A person who hides emotion under light nature. Emotions which need to be expressed, wants to to be screamed in the allays. A person who is too scared of getting close to someone, because everytime he did he suffered and he suffered worstly. He yearns for the place, he never have been to, he wants to explore the souls of those he loves by just wandering around them, nothing more. He wants his soul to be found, a soul which is hidden behind his body. A person who hides his demon inside himself, his most unanswered question "was it ever meant to be". A person who yearns for his closest ones but never shows to them. A person who hides his emotion and feelings from his close ones, because once they are expressed, "you've exposed yourself". A person who hides in me wants to find a soul mate, where he doesn't needs to say a word and yet understood. Most of all, a person who hides in me is my inner soul, which needs to be explored by only the ones he wants to get explored by.