A letter to my Mentor..
Abbu Jaan, I know this letter can never reach you but don't know why I am feeling this urge to pen down a few things, perhaps it will lessen some burden and I will fee lighter. It's strange that while writing this, I am really feeling like I am talking to you. Abbu, I am missing you very much these days, you know your little kid's marriage date was fixed yesterday. You have left me and gave others the control over my life, the right which only you and Ammi deserve. It's not that simple that you have just left me alone here, you have also taken along the charm of life and reality is now I am tired of this life and want to be together with you asap. It's just this one little decision which has refreshed all those feelings which I have been suppressing since long, and when I imagine about that day, I literally don't want to live for that moment. I don't want to see that day without being you on my side. I know you can't come back to us, but doors from my side are open, sooner or later everybody has to die then why not now. Abbu, I don't know what I want from my life now, it was you who gave me the aim of doing PhD because you wanted your son to be a doctor but now I don't have anymore motivation in any aspect of life. I don't know if it's me who is passing the days or is it the days which are passing me. Sometimes, I feel like I am ungrateful as for now, Alhamdolilah your son is blessed with almost everything (except your shade). But then the problem is that I'm not satisfied with all what I have, it's not that I want something else, it's like that now I don't want anything at all. It's not that I am not trying my best to be optimistic about life but I am unable to attain the stable ground on which I can stand and look ahead, instead all the time I am just looking backward because as far as I recall the thing I call 'life' was what I was living in your shade as everything was on my side then. At the end I would like to ask you for the forgiveness and you know about what I am referring here. I am sorry that I couldn't ask for it in person, and the reason is I never had the enough nerves to say it to you. Please, forgive me for what I did. Abbu, I am also verry sorry that I couldn't even say a thank you for all the care, love and support, I got from you. Now, you know I have solid grounds to hate myself and my piteous life. It's not that I don't want to live anymore without any reason, I have been a misery all my life, committing mistakes, taking for granted the unconditional love by you and Ammi and not being able to reciprocate a single bit of it. Your little son misses you a lot, loves you a lot and desperatley looking forward to see you! "Rabbir hamhuma kama Rabbayani Sagheera".. Aameen, SumAameen. - Yours Ali

















