Possession

1L student, 28 and feeling every moment of it.

[esotericandmacabre]

November 11, 2023

Something happened to me overnight earlier this week. I can't explain it. I remember everything being normal the night before. I was working on my readings and outlines until 10 before taking a shower and heading to bed. I believe I felt good with the progress that I had made, but was mostly still thinking about everything else I could be doing. When I woke up the next morning, I felt...empty. Like a river that had inexplicably stopped. I had no thoughts. I had no feelings. I had no memories from the days previous. I had no concept of my self or my habits or my beliefs. It was so disorientating, I felt as though I had been unplugged. Some part of me knew that I needed to leave or that I would be late so I got ready for classes, but I walked out the door knowing that it was my body making all of the decisions. It seemed to wear off within the next hour and a half but...I don't know who that was.

[esotericandmacabre]

November 3, 2023

I suppose it makes sense, but I've been struggling with other students lately. I need time to think about a problem while they seem completely comfortable with thinking out loud. This prevents me from formulating my own conclusions and I'm worried that I'm not getting the experience of working through it on my own. I confess I have been getting . . . short-tempered? I know they're trying to help but it makes me feel like I'm falling behind. On the other hand, it seems like they may struggle with organizing their thoughts without being able to speak out loud so that may assist me during exams. I don't know. I knew that being an introvert in law school would be akin to shoving a round peg in a square hole but I suppose it hasn't felt that way until now. Everybody is jostling for the opportunity to talk, to be heard, to be noticed. I want to be quiet, unobserved, solitary. Being alone has always worked so well for me academically. I hope I'm not shooting myself in the foot by "doing the right thing" and befriending classmates. I'll touch bases with you next week.

[esotericandmacabre]

October 29, 2023

Much to do as per usual, but I'm handling the stress better now. I hadn't realized how valuable being able to triage would be in law school, but I have finally learned. I've stopped most of the bleeding and am feeling better for it. I also made the time to be quite social this week, as I was an actor in a local murder mystery and hosted family over the weekend. I have wrapped up my open memo, completed my readings in torts, civ pro, and property for tomorrow, and am up to date on my torts outline. I have a few loose ends to tie up before being able to step into this week with complete confidence, but I'm not worried. I have been having pretty uncomfortable dreams lately (trying to remove a worm speared lengthwise on a needle only to accidentally de-sleeve it), but I'm hoping I can stop remembering my dreams with more practice. Yet another skill I am eager to possess. Thank you for your time, I'll reach out again soon.

[esotericandmacabre]

October 23, 2023

This week was overwhelming in numerous ways, but I pulled through. Both my note and memo are turned in, a few social engagements were attended, I completed my first client interview, and I finally got around to doing some yoga. I'll try anything to relieve the tension that's been building and I shall tentatively say that it seems to have worked slightly. No ringing endorsements just yet. I had a few hours to relax yesterday, but now we are right back in it. This week shall be very busy again with numerous events to attend. I'll be ready for the long night. Until next week.

[esotericandmacabre]

October 14, 2023

The amount of work for my classes is increasing and it is having a decidedly negative effect on my mood. I'm starting to feel generally anxious which hasn't been a problem since I began treatment almost two years ago. I also thought I heard talking coming from my living room when I was in the shower the other day. It spooked me enough that I had to check in my closet and under my bed before I was comfortable enough to go to sleep. It's like I'm a little kid again. On one hand I feel silly, but on the other...I know what I heard? I keep picking at the scab left over in my inner arm from donating blood a few days ago. Overall, I feel like a machine whose screws are loosening a little bit more and more every day. I suppose I should hunt down a wrench, shouldn't I? Until next week.

[esotericandmacabre]

October 6, 2023

There is a chill in the air. I may be unpopular in saying that I'm excited for winter to come, but I cannot deny it. I want the excuse to stay inside and bury myself in my work. Of course, I am excited for Allhallows Eve as well, when the veil is thinnest between the worlds. I love the pumpkins, costumes, and fear. Not real fear, of course. I've been feeling them around me even now, I can't imagine how much worse it shall get as the day looms closer. In the meantime, I'll enjoy the leaves, the coffee, and the comfort of the stacks. Until next week~

[esotericandmacabre]

September 30, 2023

A new day, but the work stays the same. Law school is akin to a snowball; you must lead it down the hill gently or it shall gain mass and speed, shoving past you, gone in an instant. It is difficult, but I am persistent, taking each day calmly and routinely. I am no genius, but I'd like to at least hold my own against my peers. I'm still having the dreams. I've been hearing my shower curtain crinkle behind me when I'm washing my face. In the dark I can trick myself into seeing the plastic conform to the shape of a person. My apartment gracefully shifts between being my safe haven and being my cage. I'll be in touch next week.

[esotericandmacabre]

September 23, 2023

The pressure has increased abruptly this week. I've made efforts to gain leadership experience and potentially stretched myself too thin by trying to remain present while doing so. I've been working from the moment I wake up until the moment I go to bed. I don't want to socialize, but I've been told it'll stave off burnout. I should be getting plenty of sleep for now, but I still wake up so tired. I keep waking up around 2 AM with the distinct impression that a bright white light has flashed behind my eyelids, but don't notice anything when I look around. Earlier this week I was walking by one of the abandoned office buildings in my city and saw the interior flashing a brilliant, stark white light - some type of emergency light? But the building was abandoned and there was no noise. Just the light. I presume this event and my apparent dreams are related. I'll be sure to reach out next week.  

[esotericandmacabre]

September 15, 2023

I wish I knew what to say. Sometimes I feel so disconnected from myself that writing down my thoughts feels like an impossible task. So much can happen in a week. I've been feeling satisfied with my studies, but we did an impromptu Kahoot game in class and it rattled me. A combination of my overly inflated ego and my underestimating my classmates, I suppose. I feel stupid. I feel lazy despite working so hard. I'm going to change my approach and try to reasses next week to see if there are any other adjustments I can make this early in the process. I'll be in touch next week.

[esotericandmacabre]

September 8, 2023

Week three has concluded. Social pursuits for this weekend include a few study groups and a barn dance. While I am sure these endeavors are ultimately to my advantage, I still find myself rankling at the time lost considering how rarely I've found myself alone this past week. My brain is revolting at the constant stimulation and I would much rather be spending my time in my quiet little apartment. The charm of the space appeals to me still, but the vacant lofts in the buildings across the street are more unnerving than I had expected them to be. The empty windows give the impression that although I cannot see them, they can see me. Until next week.

[esotericandmacabre]

September 1, 2023

I am wrapping up my second week of classes at law school today. The highs and lows of the experience thus far have been a natural part of the process, but I am quite ready to settle into a routine. Underlying it all is a steady awareness that I am where I want to be. The work suits me. The content suits me. The people suit me. Overall, I am quite pleased with my progress and anticipate enjoying the struggles ahead. I'll be in touch next week.