the void in space

auzi / 21 / art & writing portofolio

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My entry for COMPETITION SGU: Creative Arts Against Sexual Harassment on 2020

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Drawing a Friend VOL 1, 2021: Shinta S.

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Jae of Day6, 2019.

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Parasite (2019), drawn in 2020.

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"I know I was wrong, but why couldn't she just give me another chance so I wouldn't feel guilty anymore?"

"I know I was wrong, but why couldn't he notice it was a sign that the love is no longer working?"

"If I could turn back time, I would choose to stay."

"If I could turn back time, I would not want to know him."

"I've got the closure. But it's hard to accept."

"He doesn't need to accept it. He was indeed guilty."

It goes around like an infinity chain. Both man and woman have been hurt. Meet in the present time, opening each other's wound. Hope to get healed.

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this is actually my fave spot in unhas ever since my friend brought me here. even though the first time wasn't an enjoyable one, it's still memorable for me. and those who have accompanied me here, have also shared their life stories here. it's always easy to talk about, even the most painful story of life, in front of water that flows peacefully.

today, i had to visit this place alone. there were company from some friends though, from phone text conversations of course. but the feeling i got today is still as sweet. the sky even looked clearer than the other days before. it felt so light yet enough to push away despondency.

[2020/07/13]

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Nya, there will come a day when calling you 'Ariana' seems more proper than calling you 'Nyanya'. As you grow older and prettier, you will realise 'Nyanya' is too cute for a lady who walks on a fancy heels and owns a car. There will come a day when your heartbreak is not only about the fake promises the elder make to buy you toys you've been wanting so bad. You will get dissappointed by more aching reason that will take quite much time for you to be okay again. There will come a day when you want to be Elsa, not only because she is a beautiful princess, but also because she is a wonderful daughter and brave sister who carries a huge responsibility and is ready to protect her surrounding everytime.

Happy birthday, Nyanya!

You are half a decade old now! It's still consider very young for the adults, but you will miss these precious times when you become one. Thus, I am going to help you make an unforgettable childhood that you will tell to the world in the future. Remember that aunty usi will always be there to hug you when no one does.

All the love 💝

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god,

please give joy to all of my friends, my family, my loved one. don't bring sorrow to their life.

or if it's still not possible, please make me a stronger person that can be their place to lean on and to be their company. i want them to feel cherised and loved.

[2020/05/22]

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We hate uncertainty.

It's like we are going somewhere we don't know the exact time the arrival will be.

We hate to be put in a condition where we aren't able to depict, when and where we are going to be.

We hate uncertainty.

It feels like we are only wasting our time waiting for undisclosed things.

It sinks ourselves down in an ocean of possibilities that have never been there at the very beginning.

We hate uncertainty.

Life seems stagnant, it almost feels like we are not making a single process as a being.

Even though we are still going through changes, doing things, reflecting, but the processes of them feel unpercieved.

We hate uncertainty.

But sometimes, we need to leave it as it is. We can't measure all the things that exist. Even Scientists have not sure yet about how massive the universe is.

No matter how abstract the arrival time, go ahead. No matter how much time you will waste, wait for it. No matter how unnoticed your process will be, keep doing it. At least we are moving. At least we have gone far from the beginning. At least we realize the finish line is coming.

[2020/04/19]

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You know what?

I always try to find the worst possibility in every imagination my brain creates about us. My intention is to have my heart and my mind prepared to face the worst result of it, whether because it's not coming true, or because it turns to be the unwanted one.

But every time I try to know the specific depiction of what the worst possibility would give to myself, the answer is just: pain.

I mean, pain is never simple. Pain isn't just a word with four letters. Pain isn't just an ache. It's more wholesome. My imagination is still unable to make me draw the details of pain that I would feel.

I am sure I am not trying to neglect anything. It's just I sometimes split into sides, the one that feels like it would be easy, and the one that believes I don't need to know more, because it might kill the good possibility and imagination which have kept me living.

[2020/04/05]

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I miss you.

I miss you to the point I hate everything about it. I miss you and it has reached the peak. It’s been a while since I miss a person this hard. It’s been so long to the point I’m unfamiliar with the feeling.

I miss you a lot.

I miss looking at you when you talk, I miss being around with you. I miss the way you look at me. I miss listening to your chuckle and unnecessary complaint. I miss the time I spent together with you. I miss walking together with you. I miss the stare full of stars of yours. I miss your eyes. I miss your smile. I miss your straightforwardness. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you.

I can neither fight the time nor the condition right now. But It’s not as difficult as fighting my feeling towards you. What’s the point of missing someone that doesn’t even know you are struggling from it every single day? I don’t know. I don’t have an answer, but my ego does. She said I need to keep feeding my expectation and the possibilities of me and you. I don’t know why she is always this pathetic, but I don’t want to blame it all to her. At the end, I am just her,

and I miss you.

[2020/03/29]

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Dry season has come to the time. We are supposed to feel the warmth. We are supposed to have fun. We are supposed to leave the gloomy days. We are supposed to figure out everything that made the rain season seemed like a series of dead nights.

But I am still lost.

Everything is just getting colder. Laughs and Joys are not even touching my epidermis outer part. My days still cause a loud storm and cloudy guts. Everything remains confusing. Their answers are not enough for my mind to be vibrant.

[2020/03/13]

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Same Love, Different Selfishness

Happiness surrounded him today and that instantly impacted me a great state of mind too.

Oh, God.

I hate to admit it, but I'm in love.

I'm still in love and I want to do it differently now. I don't want to do it in a selfish way. I still want to feel alive. I don't want to let his sadness eat me at night anymore. I'm fine if the love goes questionable, as long as it doesn't harm my solitude. I want him to be happy, even when it's not because of me. Because seeing him laugh, seeing him having the best day of his life makes me feel like it's okay for me to die right in that moment.

Wait, it still sounds selfish.

I don't want to die because of him. But no matter how hard I knock my ego down, I will still be craving for his lunar eyes and his ocean-like personality. He shows me the world every single time and I will show the whole universe to him.

[2020/02/28]

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jika memang apa yang menjadi dirimu di layar berbeda dengan apa yang sejatinya kau punyai, percaya, itu tak akan merubah cara nalarku beranggapan tentang segala dari dirimu.

bukan. bukan karena aku telah buta akan rupamu. bukan pula karena suara dan bisikan penguat harapan yang selalu kau bubuh di setiap lagu. namun semakin ku kenal dunia yang kau tempuh, semakin pula ku resapi, bahwa pekerjaanmu bisa jadi yang tersulit di industri.

kau memang tidak mengangkat batu. tugasmu juga lebih banyak dihabiskan di dalam ruangan yang bercermin kaku. setiap hari. senyummu kau tampakkan dengan jernih. namun senyum itu membuatku berpikir, apa benar itu milikmu?

kebanyakan tak melihatmu lagi sebagai makhluk hidup; direnggut sosialmu, menuruti ini itu. namun ku harap, kau menikmati jalan-jalan mimpi. hingga suatu saat nanti, dirimu hanya sendiri.

[2019/08/14]

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[february, 1st]

he folded a thin fabric back to his pocket, he gave me smile for return.

"dont wipe your tears. cry more. im watching you."

he smiled brightly, watching my head turned to face him.

"why?"

"i have never seen you crying like this. you let out your anger. it's a good thing."

tears kept falling down. he put his arm around my shoulders. no words came out of his mouth, yet his breath calmed me down.

"you are always ready when i need you. you've said many times to me, to your friends, to your siblings, that they have you when everything seems terrible. i hope you notice that you have me when everything becomes dark, too."

he gave me a soft hug. i closed my eyes, captivated by the warmth.

"is it fine now to tell me why you're crying?"

i nodded.

[hexeandharmony]

🌕✨First Full Moon of the Decade✨🌕

♋️In the sign of Cancer♋️

- 10/1/20 taken from my telescope🔭 🌕✨