esther

house

[esther-electronics]

a new death every night

i slide all of my trash off my desk

it all comes tumbling down

laying on the gurney

when my debts need to be paid

i have to take this beating laying down

letting me hurt me as i slip into still.

more and more vulnerable

im so exploitable

you can take advantage of me easily

shes hurting herself and not only that shes apologizing to no one.

shes so totally duped, so totally thankful for the duping, so totally small in the face of opposition. shes too stupid.

[esther-electronics]

I panic and i become small and ridgid.

I hold my lighter to the candles flame to burn it faster.

I poison my own drink.

a fever with no virus.

termites eaten out the centre of the tree.

the exterminator just adds more termites.

[esther-electronics]

when you start crying in an argument you both win and lose

[esther-electronics]

kraków number

leif known

birds in my hand

table knee

the binding

lessen me, let me work into

I think of my girlfriends with cerebral palsy, I imagine them flustered and horny and asking for my help with simple tasks. they want me to help. I think about them bent like an unfurled coat hanger on their beds. I think about them drooling comfortably, I blot their cheek with a napkin and give her a sweet kiss. of course because i love her so much id do anything for them. I think of them speaking with slow gaited rhythms that keep me at the edge of my proverbial seat as they tell me kind perverted wantings. their dreamy voices slurred and effortful. I think of slipping my fingers in through theirs. i am feeling their strained tendons activating as i caress them.

i could use my girlfriends like this.

[esther-electronics]

a cis woman is actually more of a woman than a trans woman, until the cis woman starts playing baseball. this subtracts -3 woman points to her (his?) score.

[esther-electronics]

I feel sexually broken

a stripped screw

at 17 i realized i had the desire to chemically castrate myself.

a flaccid failed man. a wilted boy

unable to move forward.

[esther-electronics]

giving up

i sexually assaulted my younger brother when i was 9

my father walked in and told me to never speak about it to anyone

something sitting wedged into my stomach since then

I was forced to grow around it as it grew into me

the wretched memory of the act staying perfectly preserved by my shame

it turned me from a kept promise into pitiful faggot

my mother still asks me what was wrong when i was that age, why i was so anxious, staring into the corner of the wall at recess, why i cried so much, why couldn't make friends.

I can't stomach saying it

[esther-electronics]

roman catholics will pretend they dont like trannies but they draw john the evangelist like this, look at this beautiful woman. force fem his ass.

[esther-electronics]

bruno mars ends his 5 year long hiatus and releases a hit new song "(#6uubb////2-"!:°`£®iiieb sb.i(" where he explains how to painlessly commit suicide using a kitchen bag, medical tape and a tank of helium from a party store.

[sacred-portal]

[esther-electronics]

i lost my virginity in call of duty: modern warfare 3.

it was late, my door was locked and i put my trust in a stranger.

[esther-electronics]

fuck me like a im an MMA grappling dummy

[esther-electronics]

curdled

mashed between my legs

your horse hair stuck in me

i want to want to fuck

pitiful and lying i blubber to you

face wet and sticky and made like a fruits bruise

"please please go back to how you were"

i removed the nail

-

smelling your dirty binder in secret

to the care i lost along the way

prostrated in the bathroom

wanting and avoiding

locked door and premeditated

we are left uneaten.

[esther-electronics]

live twice.

once in my control

and then again in my control.

have sex from kind heart then turn to a pillar of salt; you have owed on an unpaid debt.

lurching man you always were.

you were my first friend.

a vase true to you i kept in my pocket just to break when i needed to.

but really, for whose needs they could be?

just tell me who you really are.

let me help you.

let me into you.

learn your new safety.

become someone you never believed you could be.

then unbecome.

[esther-electronics]

i saw you inside of me.

i stop to catch my breath after exerting myself and on the breath inwards in my aching body i feel you.

eyes closed and I squint hard and with the red and green and blue and i see you there as well.

in between who i was a week ago and who i was a month ago. there you are

at times i have had to go far away from myself. ive had to lay in the boat by myself and look up at the night. the space inside only i can visit. but now this time i see you there too. smiling at me. i smile back.

[esther-electronics]

a future where livestock have been so genetically altered they just become large constantly regrowing meat pillars we shave flesh off of and feed biological waste.

i guess mushrooms kinda already like that actually. i should eat more mushrooms.

[esther-electronics]

bravery is doing something even when you are scared, and im scared all of the time.