She didn’t deserve to feel like that. She didn’t deserve to cry at night wishing she could miss school so she didn’t have to say her weight out loud on science class.
For so many years she has been so scared, scared of her own weight and the opinion of boys that only like long legs and flat stomach girls and in a world surrounded of skinny dolls with halos made of sensuality it’s hard to not stop and think she doesn’t look like that.
Days where the sun’s heat made sweat roll down on every inch of your body and a poor girl that wore a sweatshirt because she wanted to hide her stomach. A poor girl that compared the size of her thighs to her friends and realizing she was the big friend.
In this if you don’t fit in a small size you need to aport something else. something that makes you worth it. She once heard a girl saying that big girls can’t be mean so she thought that was her job: the big nice friend, the fat funny friend, the chubby smart girl.
And to the woman with blonde curly hair with big butt that once told her that if only she was skinny boys would like her. How dare you? I hope you know that that 8 year old that didn’t even care about boys but then since that moment she felt less than the rest of her skinny friends, she thought that if any boy talked to her was a privilege. She grew up with the idea that it doesn’t matter if you are funny, kind, intelligent, it doesn’t matter because above all that, above all the things you could be you are fat.
Fat. The ugly adjective that no one wants to be. Ever since we are kids that’s what we are taught, we learn that fat is a dirty word, that if you’re fat you’re ugly and being skinny is a synonym of grace and beauty but why?
That 8 year old that was marked with that idea couldn’t understand why wasn’t she worth of attention and affection.
When she grew up she pretended she didn’t care about being described by society as fat or chubby, but oh God knows she did. She spent every minute of the day thinking about those 2 words: fat skinny skinny fat. Comparing herself to instagram models and asking God late at night why wasn’t she born like that, thinking if she looked like she could have all the things she have always wanted.
Looking for tight clothes that could hide her belly, eating and feeling guilty, trying diets without success because she did anything in her power to be skinny but not for her but for all the boys that never looked at her but she wish they did, for her mother that always made sure to remember her not to eat the second portion, for her sister that was the skinny sister, but no diet worked because she was still fat.
She was fat and she was done, not because she didn’t like her skin but because she was done of people referring to her as fat.
yes she was fat so what? She was also intelligent, with a smart mouth and an attitude but with her blood full of kindness that irradiated love and empathy with the people she cared about.
Yes she was fat but she was also a friend and a dancer that forgot she was fat when she on stage, she was fat but the ways her eyes lighted up when she talked with passion could’ve made anyone fall for her if they knew, if they could’ve seen above the label she didn’t ask for but some woman gave to her when she was just 8 years old.
She was 8 years old and since then it has been 11 years of daily struggle in which she has to learn how to love herself every single day, love her stretch marks, her tummy rolls, her not smooth skin in the back of her legs, the way her arms jiggle she she moves.
Yes she is fat but she is beautiful.
Yes she is fat but she loves herself.
gummygunk
stormborns
pixelskylines
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