It is currently 3:55 PM, and there are so many things I want to get off of my chest.
I've restrained from telling you these things because I know you're going through so much and I don't want things to be weird between us or to mess up this friendship we've built in the last year.
I haven't stopped thinking about you since we've met. The more we exchanged war stories, the more I liked you and the more I wanted to hold you every time I heard about how you were mistreated. I think about you all the time and want to tell you everything. To show you everything. Everything from the moment I wake up to the moment my head hits the pillow at the end of the day and I want to know everything about you. What makes you tick and why you think the way you do.
I've thought about holding and kissing you for months building up to the day it actually happened, but when it happened, I was caught by surprise because it was a fantasy. It was a feeling I learned to push down and would've never thought to initiate because you had a partner and I have a husband. That first kiss you gave me was beautiful and I was so fucking terrified because I have never wanted someone so badly, ever. I needed clarification and to clarify some things to you after that kiss. I never thought you would've felt the same way to initiate the pull, the touch, the kiss. It wasn't fair to you and still isn't fair to you now that I have these feelings, but I'm married and unsure of what I'm going to do.
I used to think I felt the same way about my husband, but I think I chased the adrenaline with him. Some days he wanted me and then some days he didn't and I held on to that because at least someone wanted me. I was always told I was too much, too dramatic, too moody, instead of him asking and wanting to know why I was that way, but you saw me. You saw all of me and I could tell you how I felt and instead of telling me I was being dramatic, you validated my feelings and made me feel seen and heard. That doesn't make it okay for me to feel the way I do, but it's become very hard for me to push the feelings down.
I wait to hear from you all of the time and it may seem pathetic, but hearing from you makes my whole day. Not hearing from you worries me, but I try to give you the space and time that you need. I just want the best for you. I want you to be happy and live a life that you will continue to love and be proud of. I want you to be able to look back on these past few years and be proud of the person that got through it, even if you lost your way a little bit, that person made it.
With so much love & care,
