It’s like this place holds all my trauma files.
It’s weird when your just going through the most traumatic moments of your life because everyone including you just feels like its natural.
Like oh this’ll just go away in a few days..
Yet here I am with something that’s still giving me fucking painful cramps every 7 minutes. And to wake up and turn over only to feel this uncomfortable wetness. Or the fact that no matter how much fucking water i drink my lips burn from losing so much fluid.
And to top it all off im sick.
Being asked to go ahead on to work and mentally telling myself I should, even though the process isnt even done. Even though I’ll cry on the way there and then suddenly everything will feel okay for a bit and then i’ll cry again, because no one knows, that for five days I was mentally rearranging my life, and not even second guessing. I was talking to you about being weirded out and excited and scared. I was moving furniture in my head and wondering how long it would take and if we’d get the apartments I started to look at.
I know now that I definitely want a bathtub, and an extra room, and a nicely painted home, with windows and carpet, and the kitchen area is like the ones I used to stand in, in Lowes, and a pretty basinette. And I need more pillows, and to stop whining about other peoples lives when I could be doing so much more with mine.
I want to get this Teachers Assistance Certificate. So I have more money, and i made a smart choice to let your dad, (is that weird? Well fuck it, we only live one life and if you were all we got in it then why not?) be responsible for holding the money. Because I knew no matter what, I no longer wanted to put us in a predicament that would hurt us, and stress me out.
And I have to admit, the idea was “you want a kid? You gotta make these decisions.” So i guess, at 7 weeks and 3 days you were teaching me something.
I learned stupid terms like “nesting” and found out a LOT more moms wore headphones during the first few months than i originally thought, (thought that was my idea). And i know this isn’t just my burden to bear. He was just so willing and ready for anything, when it came to what I wanted to do. But more than anything, he’d have streamed with you, and he knew your goddad immediately.
His kindness was so loud, and I wasn’t prepared for it. But I welcomed it, and his smile was so random, i had to question it, but honestly I think he was just happy and nervous and aware, and simple.
It’s when things got complicated that everything changed, almost immediately.
I wish you woulda stayed and given me time to choose… but I can’t blame you, im the very first mf to be like, “wait you don’t know if you want me? Aiight bye.”
Its just that right now, it happened so fast that I feel like idk. Like im mourning and then i dont care, and then im over it and then im crying like i lost someone and i know i did, everyone is saying i did, but no one else was in the bathroom with me when I saw you leave. And that wasn’t easy. It was weird and my scientist brain was so fucking confused and my emotional brain was like “chrissy wake uuuuppp, i dont like this!” Brainrot.
But its even harder because now im trying to prove that for a minute you existed, and that makes it so much worse.
Maybe its the hormones. They said they were high and will fluctuate until they taper off over the next two weeks.. its a lot. Maybe then I can say that I overreacted and this was no big deal.
And its a lot I didnt know how to do. Because this was all very new to me and no one told me how to handle it. I felt like i disappointed people almost immediately finding out about you, and others were so happy, and i was so scared and my therapist was so over me. Lmao.
I learned a lotta lessons in a short period of time..
Idk how im gonna feel moving forward,
There’s no doubt about that now.
And while I also want to explore the world, and go on dates, and see things,
I think a tiny piece of me will always be “nesting”…
Creating memories to show you of after your quick visit but before you decided to stay…
Building the ideas, not just dreaming about them.
And leaving anything that doesn’t serve the dreams I have, in the past.
You made me realize I wasn’t ready, but i had to get ready…
And i dont think anything will change that little fight that was lit in me,
Idk, lets see as the days pass, because today i just wanna be alone with my thoughts and to stop moving. And to pretend the whole world does not exist. For a moment i just want to be in complete silence. Without worrying about how everyone is and what i need to do next. I just want to exist outside of the context for a bit.
Because thats where you are now.
And I’m tired of being perceived.
yousharknotpass
gummygunk
theartofmadeline
vaporwave
stormborns
