Netzach

Victoria.

[exitwound]

I have a disease called I can’t reply to your text. I love you

[valentinebitchbaby]

[zahraa17]

[carmenbelair]

[jojordan-art-deactivated2025120]

[311616am]

[loveletters2myself]

a man with pure intentions from the start will really change your whole perspective on everything, especially love and happiness.

[eternalvictorious]

It's very odd to go, oh yes, not too long ago I was maddingly, sickeningly in love with the wrong man.

Now I'm married to the right one and there are so many warm moments I could never have imagined.

[animeblgging-deactivated2021110]

all my head can think about is getting kidnapped and falling in love with my kidnapper

[compulsived]

[shisasan]

Ph. Konstantin Alexandroff

[eternalvictorious]

2:38am searches

[eternalvictorious]

I am a bad person

[eternalvictorious]

I am a bad person but I am becoming a good person

[eternalvictorious]

I’m incompetent and should be fired.

There is so much proof of this.

I feel like I’m skating by off my personality.

And something bit me, finally - a customer complained. And they have a right to. I’ve not done my job properly with them for over a month.

MY FAULT MY FAULT MY FAULT MY FAULT

wait

this is... not my fault though... because G-d is in control of everything? No matter how much I panic and stress and place goals on myself, I can’t reach them or control myself... because I’m not in control. I’m still laboring under the impression that anything I do actually makes a difference, when it’s all G-d.

this too is for His glory

so I should thank Him for it, accept it cheerfully and humbly...

G-d?

this scares me

and I don’t... I don’t know how to handle the ralization that alll this time it’s not been my fault. That all my “I’ll just do this” and “I’m bad because x y z” is frustrated because it’s not supposed to be realized. That the idea I could fix myself is delusional.

I’m not incorrect to judge my performance as bad. I’m incorrect to think I could change it.

[eternalvictorious]

The irony is I’m judging you for failing to process what was happening when someone demonstrated they weren’t who you thought they were, but I only continued to interact with you because I couldn’t process you were actively betraying me. If you were mistreating someone else - Jordan, for example - though, would I have snapped out of it? I think so; my sense of justice has always been a trigger point. It’s just under-developed for myself. And I think if I’d been better friends with Jordan and he knew what was happening he might have gotten you to snap out of it. Or perhaps not; the one time he got you to snap out of something destructive you didn’t talk to either of us for six weeks.

I knew you weren’t reliable, but I held onto this concept of “a good heart”. Oh, they are unstable and have poor morals and most people don’t want to be around them, but they have a good heart so I’m willing to be in their company. They’re trying, after all!

Unreliable people and people with poor morals and people who others flee don’t have good hearts. I have mistaken potential for actuality. Every strength has a corresponding weakness, and every weakness has a corresponding strength. The agreeableness born of your spinelessness was not a good point, for example.

So you betrayed me, avoided helping me or outright refused to help me, lied to me, lied to me again, even literally gaslit me - and then a year later, when contacting me to “clear the air”, you tried to blame me for lying to me and gaslighting me. Oh, and despite the actions of a literal psychopath and admitted statutory rapist who you witnessed sexually harassing me, asserted your special magical mind-reading powers revealed his truly good intentions.

And I actually spent that year reaching out to you occasionally, still caring about you.

There’s something wrong with me.

[eternalvictorious]

Goodbye, E. Strange you contacted me 3 days after I wrote this, but I had the courage to cut the cord. I’m not sure if I spoke too much or not.

[eternalvictorious]

This is a game changer.

[eternalvictorious]

morning thoughts 🌅

I am not in control. Whether or not I recognize that is up to me, moment by moment.

My perfectionism is partly due to my belief people judge G-d based on me, his servant. This is arrogance. I can not represent G-d fully as no more than a human.

Having anxiety attacks is me running away from the problems placed before me. I am not in charge of what difficulties are placed before me; it is an illusion that things are “my fault”.

I want to gain humility, and I know this may very well be painful and literally humiliating. I want to accept whatever may come with learning humility with grace.

My “mistakes” are not my own and my “accomplishments” are not my own. It’s as foolish to be proud and brag about my accomplishments as it is to be stressed and anxious about my failures.

I have accepted the tasks set before me today.

Whatever comes about is for G-d’s ultimate Glory. What I “do” does not matter. I am not in control. If I could somehow manage to be perfect, that would not necessitate relief to my mind.

I have covert contracts around the idea that if I am good enough, others will recognize the goodness of G-d. I also have covert contracts around the idea that if I’m good enough, I’ll feel relaxed and at peace and well. None of this is the case.

I once met someone how had recovered from severe BPD symptoms by realizing BPD beliefs/emotions were “delusions”. I think he was right. I advised him to use the word “illusion” to be more palatable when speaking to others, but I think he was right.