❄️ ♪ ゆめ ♪ ❄️

∆ 2.21.2002 //♓️//⚧️//🇨🇦 ∆

[etherical2002memories]

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💬 { audhd n dissociated }

💬 { pretty, tired, n pretty damn tired }

💬 { pics of me: #🪞 }

(i feel a disconnect from being ‘solid’ or being able to conceptualize myself. i know humans can have many facets n contradicting qualities, but my ingredients never seem to come together to make a unified meal/taste. i feel as if im the Universe itself, trying its best to be a self insert in the reality its evolved to become, but just cant get myself to pretend correctly..)

{ last updated -> may.5th.2026 }

{ small straw.page preview⤵️⤵️⤵️ }

[etherical2002memories]

i think if reincarnation were confirmed we'd lose the fear of death(but gain the fear of eternity)

[etherical2002memories]

watched Dinner in America thru a reupload of it on youtube, felt a twang of emotion after the main autistic coded girl asks her punk new bf 'am i retarded?' after she gets called that the entire film, and he immediately stands up for her about it

then i got into a call with some strangers who tell me their first impression of me is that im 'dense' and stupid, and thats the reason ive never dated anyone in 24 years. then laughed at me. and another guy in the call was someone who called me retarded like immediately after talking to me

and it all finally clicked in my head that all the years of everyone ive been friends with calling me stupid, and me playing up the bit, actually secretly hurt. i just didnt fully register it cuz they werent using the word retarded directly(but that doesnt mean it wasnt what they all meant)

[etherical2002memories]

ohhh this is all cuz i was molested ohhh ok <- (realization i come to every few years)

[etherical2002memories]

'few years'bitch what? u mean few months?

[etherical2002memories]

ohhh this is all cuz i was molested ohhh ok <- (realization i come to every few years)

[etherical2002memories]

🫪 seriously when did they add an emoji for when a character is about to go insane. huh

[etherical2002memories]

my relationship with reality is kinda like a constant fight against stockholm syndrome..i like the concept when im in control of it, when i went into it already in love with my captor, instead of it being a stranger(which obviously isnt true stockholm syndrome)

but in the moments where it feels like all there is is Me and the hivemind of The Narrative, its like giving in to existing within it or loving it is just classic uncontrollable stockholm syndrome. and that freaks me out sometimes☝️

[etherical2002memories]

the summer heat is my cause of death every single year btw

[etherical2002memories]

lowkey irks me whenever i see someone complain about a show or movie or whatever being 'problematic' for showing 16 year olds having a drug addiction / drinking / having sex like..it aint the shows fault that u personally didnt get exposed to that specific crowd of people in highschool. its very much a real thing tho

[64mpg]

i shed my old skin without preparing a new one first and it’s kind of really uncomfortable walking around with no skin

[etherical2002memories]

i woke up in the middle of the night feeling disconnect from all my recent feelings again, not even being able to properly remember how i felt in reaction to certain images or ‘goals’, it was all gone again..i briefly freaked out, but caught myself

i named the state. i identified what i currently felt, like any label or feeling gets eaten up and rejected

i looked at myself in the mirror, felt a moment where ‘butch’ felt ok, then it quickly faded to a point where i couldnt even remember the feeling. so that confirmed it, i was just in a rejection state right now, so i needed to go eat and not think too hard about it

this state hates other states, and the other states hate this state. but they all need to work as equals.

then, i remembered ive made a comic about this before! back in 2024 when the system stuff started to happen-

(i drew it when my identity returned, as the Nothing wouldve hated drawing itself like anything)(like im rejecting it now lol)

my panic arose from the idea that having different opinions meant i would have to accept being different people. which i dont wanna go thru again,, not after all this time…but ive heard people use the word ‘rejection’ when talking about going thru phases of being genderfluid, and even tho i dont wanna use that word, i can at least have a grounding point to relate it to. a single person with different preferences, like the changing of the weather

[etherical2002memories]

me: fuck i miss being sad n crying

me whenever i feel sad about something that genuinely makes me feel sad, in a scary way(instead of some emo longing or being mad at someone): uhmmm blocked?....

[etherical2002memories]

actually its not even mad at 'someone', it was just my dad back in the day. i block feeling mad at people now too😊👍

[etherical2002memories]

me: fuck i miss being sad n crying

me whenever i feel sad about something that genuinely makes me feel sad, in a scary way(instead of some emo longing or being mad at someone): uhmmm blocked?....

[etherical2002memories]

realized the reason ive felt so numb lately is cuz the prozac is making it so i cant generate emotions thru daydreaming

and after years n years of relying on making my own supply of emotions, ive become kinda detached to natural physical responses to things(which is why i have to rely on analyzing things, rather than actual reactions my body is giving..or maybe its also a mix of not agreeing with the natural reaction, so my bodys been slowly blocking a lot of it out)

[etherical2002memories]

ive been watching youtube videos every single day for almost 17 years nowwww so im reallyyyyy tryna stop for a bit

[etherical2002memories]

clarity for ones Self comes to those who are open to being wrong, and im not really good with surprises like that

even tho, in theory, its supposed to be things that feel like they 'click', i think the idea of letting my image be dictated by an unknown force of my own preprogrammed subconscious scares me. the lack of control thing. i worry about losing my own feeling of choice, even if the choices are made on guesstimates

i think my brain is convinced itll become a piece of furniture, instead of a stick flowing down a river(a creation of someone elses hands that simply exists without its own awareness, vs a stick that fell off a tree and trusts the direction of the water instead of trying to grow arms n swim)(theres probably some better metaphors, but thats all i got rn)

[etherical2002memories]

there was a large amount of time where humans were conscious, but hadnt invented complex ways of communication yet. there was probably a lot less soul searching, cuz the words werent there yet to be able to put together, so the gears couldnt endlessly turn

most physical creations were probably just made without any more meaning than 'these rocks look cool next to eachother'

an existence without complexity lacks rich meaning, but it also lacks the frustration of expectation. of analyzing an actions worth. or a thoughts worth, in comparison to who else has thought it, and how often its been said

its not that complex meaning doesnt 'exist', as all that really defines somethings existence is the reaction to it. and there definitely is reaction to this stuff, at all varieties of complexity. its abstract in nature, but still understood

ive been trying to see my internal invisible barrier more clearly, and i think its likely as simple as just being a manifestation of dopamine addiction. or rather, a barrier that formed from my own patterns. my own upbringing

it could be the eternal curse of adhd, or it could be a version of adhd thats like type 2 diabetes(where the body fell to that state from lifestyle choices, but still has a chance of being cured)

when u grow up with digital stimulation from day one, u dont really see as a distraction. its just a part of life. so its hard to imagine what the alternative would even be