(i feel a disconnect from being ‘solid’ or being able to conceptualize myself. i know humans can have many facets n contradicting qualities, but my ingredients never seem to come together to make a unified meal/taste. i feel as if im the Universe itself, trying its best to be a self insert in the reality its evolved to become, but just cant get myself to pretend correctly..)
im currently just using the furniture(plus my own small table thing for a bedside table) that came with the room, but im gonna slowly start bringing my own stuff over
this isnt a forever home for me. obviously. just a step out the door to get me used to being on my own, then i'll likely move somewhere new next year
my mom really doubts i'll be able to handle it, but ive done a whole lotta learning since my traumatic tokyo experience
(and from this years mold paranoia. green masking tape still covers my window sill)
thoughts from this morning have been -> i need to figure out what 'androgynous' means,, and i need to stop looking at things around me in search of a mirrors reflection. i need to stop asking 'which one of these things or people would i be?' cuz they exist outside of me. i am me. my purest reflection is my own.
i deserve to be a piece of the puzzle that has a place somewhere too, instead of being envious of the ones that have already been connected
like. i gotta stop looking at tgirl blogs cuz all of them are like 'go. take e. become a girl and feel better.' and im just like 'but doctor..i am pagliacci ):'
i havent found enough people talking about taking hrt to become something that isnt Man or Girl. usually when i do, theyre still choosing a side thru their sexuality label
but thats kinda how the internet n life is. ur world view is dictated by the luck u have when stumbling across certain other people. and sometimes the roll is just bad, or u focus too much on the wrong people..
my mom really doubts i'll be able to handle it, but ive done a whole lotta learning since my traumatic tokyo experience
(and from this years mold paranoia. green masking tape still covers my window sill)
thoughts from this morning have been -> i need to figure out what 'androgynous' means,, and i need to stop looking at things around me in search of a mirrors reflection. i need to stop asking 'which one of these things or people would i be?' cuz they exist outside of me. i am me. my purest reflection is my own.
i deserve to be a piece of the puzzle that has a place somewhere too, instead of being envious of the ones that have already been connected
dreamt i was in my dream cities mall again..the layout changes slightly everytime(as dreams do) but the feeling n the knowing of it being That Mall still remains
ive been dreaming of this city for like. 12 years now. the same amount as the age i started
i wake up, and all the feelings of home n nostalgia n belonging fade away, as i return to the grey foreign reality that i apparently live in
challenged my psychosis paranoia by binging all of tadc for the 1st time n going out to see the finale in theaters(in a lowkey jax cosplay, cuz thats kinda all i had on hand)
(chatting about it below)
(i already knew about The Bow spoiler going in lol)
since there wasnt anything triggering in the 8 episodes on youtube, i kinda assumed anything big would be left for the movie..i did have a bit of a moment i had to fight thru near the end, but i think i handled it well, and the hopeful ending definitely helped smooth it out(fingers crossed i have an ok sleep..)
i think one of the things im scared of when i try to think positively about this stuff is getting into a state where it could be betrayed, broken like a solid plane of glass. and i hate feeling like im adapting to someone elses rules, or 'giving up'. but on the flipside of that, if i made all the rules, i'd get scared about being god. im scared as above as i am below
i have a lot of paranoia about things being symbolic messages, trying to tell me things in a way where it isnt as distressing as saying it upright, making it a mystery to solve. cuz thats how it works in fiction, and i get a lotta moments in my daily life that has the same impossible logic as fictional plot points do, so naturally im gonna read everything like a book
the movie didnt explain the part where characters(like jax) were aware of the audience. it even ends with pomni waving at the camera. jax has a few panic attacks whenever the others talked too much about them being in a simulation, yet, was fine with his role as a goofy 4th wall breaker(but he also talked about embracing his archetype in order to stay sane, so that was probably a large part of how he coped with it)
jax was also heavily relying on roles in general, as he has a breakdown when pomni hugs him, saying shes 'not meant to care about him'. if u play up the bad guy role on purpose, u dont have to worry about accidentally hurting anyone. so he was pretty confused when she saw thru that and still liked him
i used to play that same role when i was younger, before i switched over to obsessively people pleasing. according to the role i thought i was, certain people shouldntve liked me, but they did. a lot. and playing into that role only upset them, and i had to break it a few times to apologize
i still struggle with seeing myself as worthy enough for friendship, but i think i just need to keep waiting to find new people(and letting myself take more chances when i find them)
anyway. i think they shouldve brought back gummigoo. or at least shown him in the happy ending montage. WHAT HAPPENED TO MY GUY GUMMIGOO......he definitely remembers pomni for sure ): (i hc a lot of the ai were based on brain scans as well, so hes just as real as everyone else, even if his memories are fake)
also zach psychicpebbles being the fish again to do a whole speech to the audience in the beginning was so fucking funny(except for the part where he was afraid of death..)
i understand the beauty in having uniqueness to everyones design, but think its stupid that the 'correct' hairstyle doesnt just come naturally like a divine vision🚬😑
ur hair literally shapes so much of ur visual aesthetic n physical form, and for someone(like me) whos inner perception of myself is like a swirling shifting mass that only exists on a conceptual level instead of clicking into place, it sure would be nice to have a physical grounding point
ig this is why ive grown to be pissed with trans stuff. the idea that something like gender, a purely mental experience, is something that is meant to grandly shape ur life n cause a massive realization for who u are as a person(as well as 'fix' u after realizing) just brings me frustration. cuz i dont get to pick a side. i dont get to be anything consistently. i dont get to wake up one day and realize i was a Man or a Girl this whole time and feel like i belong somewhere, or that i solved something big(as it never stays)
i get gender envy for everyone elses feeling of wholeness
..i do think the issue is that the nonbinary experience isnt talked about enough, in both fandom and media. 99% of the things i see are people talking about a character needing to realize theyre a transgirl or transman, instead of treating nonbinary awakenings the same way
one of the things that cosmically pisses me off is the whole 'u wont feel better or satisfied after ur wants are achieved. ur still u. ur still the problem. no amount of external change will change ur inner mind.' that just seems like lazy writing....
most of what we have here, in this form, is the external. if the external isnt affecting our internal, its a natural imbalance, the external isnt pulling its weight. sure, yes, it cant do all the work. but if the external brings no reaction at all then that cant be the fault of the person experiencing it
reactions n feelings lead to motivation for thought to change. if the physical feeling or satisfaction is not felt, the one striving for it will have no drive to continue to persue it.
if one does achieve their ideal life or goal, and they feel good from it, then yes, its up to them to do the inner work to keep it that way. but to claim that it wont be a large reason for ones happiness n peace is just not how things are meant to work under the rules of harmony
once u know fear, its really hard to go back from it
ive had all kinds of crazy adventures lately, mostly involving me acting as a guardian angel for someone i met at the hospital for the past few weeks, impossible coincidences n magic involving other people for once(i might share that story at somepoint, it involves someone that shares my birthname), and needing to learn many lessons..but yesterday was a turning point in my arc
im finally moving out(again) on the 8th
not with the guy ive been helping(to his likely disappointment) but into a large house with a random family. its a small room with a porch, a few blocks away from a very large lake n park
when i was living in japan, i had no fear. i just existed, without paranoia, and without worry for my dissociation. then the fear suddenly started, and it only got worse from then on..
but i remember not fearing the mundane or present moment, nor the isolation, nor my thoughts. cuz when ur not aware of a fear, u do not think about it
i didnt know about all that could kill me, or all the things to worry about existentially
(ignorance was my bliss, knowledge has been my unbreakable curse)
but now i worry that someplace that would previously bring me peace will be doomed to cause me harm....thankfully its just a short bus ride away from my mom n siblings place, where she'll still be for a little while
i dunno why people go into debt from psychology / philosophy classes when the best method is clearly just sitting at home n over complicating things to the point of ruining the ignorance based fun of being human
btw this isnt ever me being like 'hehe im so smartttt' most of the time im just venting(cuz its an act of self harm)(similar to the reason why my fingers look like zombie fingers)(cuz im mentally n physically chewing on myself in my enclosure from stress n lack of enrichment)
i dunno why people go into debt from psychology / philosophy classes when the best method is clearly just sitting at home n over complicating things to the point of ruining the ignorance based fun of being human
the neverending journey to find balance between existence n definition😑
our main form of communication is through words, whether vocally or written, and its the obsession with balancing such with things that exist regardless of if theyve been given a title or ways of recognition or not(its not something that can be so simply given up, as its so integral to the human experience, as due to the nature of how our consciousness formed)
just as my mind often rejects colors or patterns or certain types of grammar, it can do the same for words. names, sounds, spelling, mental association to feeling that constantly changes. like the phenomenon of certain school subjects being commonly associated with a color, but being unable to keep an opinion on what color it would be, or rejecting the names of all colors entirely. seeing a color, but being uncomfortable by its name
yet, i exist. i experience. i speak, i think, i do. i am whole, working properly in theory, yet i feel something missing
