Eukaryote Notes

Optimistic nihilist. Eukaryotic existentialist. Writer of writings. Human being.

[eukaryotenotes]

A year (?)

It’s been a while sorry oh-so sorry I have been trailing in the ether of sidewalk cracks

Since last year:

Pulling myself out by strands of dendritic Spring silk

It’s just so much to yank from the height

of 10 stories

I am here I swear I am

Here and oh-everso-much fuller

of light.

[eukaryotenotes]

3rd

I am a little everywhere 

Circulating between the shadows and the light

It feels 7 degrees colder in the shade

They say

7 degrees later, will I be the same?

[eukaryotenotes]

Good Bye

The satellite signals

Are no longer subconsciously

Sent

Into the oblivion

Of galactic silence

There's a difference between

What the heart cries

And the mouth says

The eyes whisper

And the pen writes

It's been done

For a long while

And time has moved

Things will be left upturned

Untranslated

The foliage overgrown and

The sentence unfinished

There is no

More waiting

No more space

Left for silence to fill.

[eukaryotenotes]

Journal Poem #6 11/15/18

We fill each other with such

sweet love,

Your chin sits in the crook of

my neck,

This feels stable

different

And 'different' doesn't mean

that I can't trust this

Maybe for the first time it means that

I can

And you, in every sense

Feel like home

Are a 'belonging'

I tease open my heart

I thought it was mangled behind the netting of my ribcage

But your kisses

Our nights of crisscrossing our limbs through

each other in ambient light

Our love

Has gently fused the wounds shut, infused a wholeness

It pumps a new blood

Silvery smooth,

It's learning to love again,

And it's different

You're different

I trust it.

[eukaryotenotes]

Calm After the Storm

Occasionally I come across 

Remnants of old sweetness

It stings far less

To see them than it used

To

I can chuckle even

At the 

Nostalgia

Unconsciously

Accept it in the context of

Now

It’s been a while

And time has really

Started

To heal 

Me

In

Waves

Whisked me away

Bending the surface

Of liquid

Atoms rushing through my fingers

My hair and eyelashes

Flowing in between

The molecules of fluid

Feeling has learned

To hurt much 

Less.

[eukaryotenotes]

The New Concept

Finite sadness:

A beginning and a foreseeable ending

Isolated to a particular moment or collection of moments

With a real and tangible end to which other emotions follow

Some even being genuine happiness

Joy even,

- other thoughts follow

Non-obsessive and fluid thoughts,

Some mundane,

Like, "The universe's sense of humour is that pigeons are a fantastic example of evolutionary success."

Or, "Wow, people look so beautiful in sunlight."

Sadness being one feeling in a sequence of feelings,

A dash,

A dollop if you will.

[eukaryotenotes]

Mom, am I still young? Can I dream for a few months more?

Class of 2013, Mitski

[eukaryotenotes]

Does it smell like a school gymnasium in here? It's funny how they're all the same It's funny how you always remember And we've both done it all a hundred times before It's funny how I still forgot

[...]

And the ground has been slowly pulling us back down You see it on both our skin We get a few years and then it wants us back [...]

[eukaryotenotes]

Journal Poem #5-  10/25/18 Golden Hues

Love sits in golden hues

   Ambient glow on speckled constellation skin,

All sepia and faded,

   A glitter in crystal eyes,

The gold of light scattering off the iris

   Lines around the mouth,

The lips all-crescent

   The curves around the eyes

Like soundwaves rippling across the skin

  From these nights,

Imprinted in grey mush

   Packed in some hemisphere behind skull fragments

I hold what love looked like to me

  And the eyes change,

The constellations move

   The soundwaves creep differently,

Hugging the crevices of bone and skin at different points

   And love feels differently,

The glow of my lamp hits their face at a different angle

   And the eyes sweep into me at a different depth

Their subject absorbs and reflects the light,

   It’s a microlitre melancholy

That love like this will also be filed into the mush of neurons, 

   And it will perhaps one day pull tears from my ducts to think of it too

But love is always painted in golden hues,

   Like the speckles that ambiently glow in his right iris

And it’s a light I bathe in,

   My skin soaking in the quiet affection that paints night,

The softness of two lovers embracing

   And the hush of the ebbs and waves of his breath in sleep.

[eukaryotenotes]

Penniless and tired, let your hair grow long I was looking at you there and your face looked wrong Memory is a fickle siren song I didn't understand Image and a light as the morning nears You don't say a single word of your last two years Well you will be, you'll reach the frontier I didn't understand, oh See your running hands and a silver knife Twenty dollars in your hand that you hold so tight All the evidence of your vacantile My brother you were born And you will try to do what you did before Pull the wool over your eyes For a week or more Let your family take you back to your original mind There's nothing I can do There's nothing I can do There's nothing I can say There's nothing I can say I can say

He Doesn’t Know Why, Fleet Foxes 

[eukaryotenotes]

Elephant

When I see you now

Walking down the street

Gliding in the way that you do with each step

Hard in the face

All angles

I remember for a second how you used to be 

Or how I used to see you

All lit up in ambient glow

Graceful beauty

Wistful

The boy that I lied down with in the middle of front campus

You were troubled-faced while looking at the stars

I remember how I last really saw you

Ice

Cold

Rigid

Sharp

And I battle sometimes with which one of you was the real you

Were you both?

And you glide by now

I’m with someone who really loves me

I glow in ambient tones

Reflected in the golden speckles in their right eye

Light that radiates back at me

I’m warmed 

And feel this back toward them

And you glide by

And that’s it

You just glide by

A blimp of dusty light and frost

Of someone I filled with all my love

Without knowing there was a hole in the bottom of their foot

And when we see each other now

We don’t know each other

I look at you and see a collection of things we should have said to each other

Melancholy mirages of all the good and bad that first love holds in calloused hands

Which one were you?

You look at me and see an irritating memory 

A husk vilified into unrecognizable distorted noise

Do you remember me in any ambient hues?

Or am I all winter with hurt eyes to you?

You and I walk by each other

A cloud of insurmountable mass hangs between us

Our elephant in the room that’s become our neighbourhood

And you glide by

And I glide by

And that’s it.

[eukaryotenotes]

It

I feel it

Trickle and

Sip through 

Cardiovascular knit-knots 

Pick

Pocket locked stocked in

The dead of 

Swollen night

In head-leanings

Against hair-tricklings

And brushings against microscopic

Spider-veined cheeks

Lit up by mid-sunsetting 

Photons

It is felt

On grainy shores

At midnight

In waves of bodies

Lapping into

And out 

Of each other in the

Lush

Over

Telephone buzzing 

The sweetness that echoes

In the bliss of

Comfortable quiet 

Over the line

In an orchestra of

Silent warmth

Ambient

Light

That reaches me 

Miles away

That

I reach

For

Without feeling the distance

There’s

something

there

Something

Here.

[eukaryotenotes]

Venus, planet of love / was destroyed by global warming / did its people want too much too? / did its people want too much?

Mitski

[eukaryotenotes]

Miscellaneous Notes I Found On My Phone During Some Technological Housecleaning

October 16, 2016

The way the sun screamed at dusk

Begging to be blanketed by the night sky

November 29, 2016

If you mow the lawn in November it still smells like Spring

Last Modified November 19, 2017

You couldn’t tell there were tiny graces of pink in the sky if the rest of it wasn’t grey.

You can die in a perfectly healed state.

Last Modified December 6, 2017

It’s like my clothes feel the sad body that wore them last. I am moving forward, that body is not this body.

I feel sad because it’s upsetting what I put up with. I am better without you.

Last Modified December 9, 2017

I believe in my ability to heal.

The sadness is not forever.

December 20, 2017

Today was beautifully warm, the snow mostly melted.

It was like Autumn came back as an apology for me not being able to enjoy it while it was here.

December 21, 2017

[quoted from Mindhunters] Many tame and conformist types seem to have a powerful need to depict the enemy of society as sick, so as to delegitimize their valid complaints against society. 

December 31, 2017

I’m getting my mojo back

January 19, 2018

[From a note entitled, “Reminders”] [...] This is hard, but this is good for you. You love yourself to stop avoiding things that hurt, because the only way you can stop things from hurting is if you confront them. This is progress, even if it feels terrible inside

[From a separate note] The irony of human biology is that it drains the life out of you.

February 20, 2018

Jeffery- Being nice is the easiest thing, people are just stupid

February 26, 2018

[From a note entitled, “Character Idea”] Guy that is resource for putting up billboards in cities

March 6, 2018

[Quoted from lyrics I heard on the radio] I want to be robotic no more blood in these veins I want to press reset

March 30, 2018

Remember how beautiful it feels it is [sic] to think and feel like a teenager. Do everything you can to hold on to that. Nobody is worth losing that part of you

March, 2018

[From a note entitled, “Martin”]

Me: Look at all the tulips blossoming

Martin: It’s like they all have something to say.

June 20, 2018

I can’t be with someone that is constantly reminiscent of the thing I’m trying to heal from.

July 6, 2018

A trademark of evolution is the flaws it leaves behind

July 13, 2018

[From a pre-text draft] Firstly, just, like thank you for being so emotionally open and intelligent and vulnerable Jesus Christ, I appreciate that so much

July 18, 2018

I don’t know who you are now

But thank you for who you were

July 19, 2018

[...] I’ve learned that I am strong enough to cope with whatever shitstorm my mental health throws my way, I’ve learned that if hypothetically, everything falls to shit again, it CAN get better, there is genuine, real, tangible hope for that.

July 24, 2018

The sun is in me

Through me

My skin eats it up

My closed eyelids bathe in it.

[eukaryotenotes]

A Sunset is Sitting in my Chest

It’s a pink dusting that sweeps the oncoming twilight in a smokescreen of blush

I am walking on the sidewalk-all-aglow-in

Golden hues

A sunset is sitting in my chest

                                                 (I feel everything without it being too much) 

Every vein

Every tingle

Humid softness wrapping me up and

In

The pink seeps into me

And I feel every nerve impulse flow into it

                                                                    (It’s beautiful to feel this fully)

And in this moment I am grateful

For the sky and its hair-wisps of fire and peach

For the people that fill me up with summer sweetness 

For myself for having the patience to peel back the sadness to find this

Here

Me 

Now

All of her

And in this moment I am really

In my full open heart

                                                                                             (Happy)

Steeping in this sweet pink

And I am more than that

I am stable

I am full of deep light

Steady and calm

No longer transient

Something a bit more permanent but not unchanging

                                                                         A blushing heartbeat equinox

[eukaryotenotes]

Losing something is finding something else.

The Babe Rainbow

[eukaryotenotes]

Summer-Stitched

It’s a summer-stitched quiet

That sinks down to the bottom of the glass

Steeping in the haze of thick rain and thin sun

I am coming out of a dream

The ones dense with melancholy and bitter tearducts

Skin-surface bubbling with chipper water droplets

Hair raising its hands like wheat on summer Sundays

If feels like feeling again

                                                                                         It’s not lost

The greenery is lush and meets the rain happily

My eyelids closed 

Feeling it

And I feel myself

Emerging out of a cloud-thick haze and the rain soaks into me

Sinking to the bottom of the glass softly