I’ve been in an emotional slump lately, feeling disconnected and sad. Worry weighs heavy on me, and problems seem to pile up higher and higher, forming what looks to me like an insurmountable peak. I have a hard time prioritizing the order in which to fix things, or how to try and fix them; where to start, where to go next, what to ignore. I don’t want to ignore anything. I’m terrible at ranking concerns. If the things I care for are of equal importance, how can I objectively quantify and organize my care? Caring isn’t a measurable and divisible commodity. I feel like I’m slighting everyone, and shirking every responsibility. I’m weighed down by constant guilt that I’m not doing enough in general, and the specific things I am managing to do are wrong. Perhaps instead of helping people, I’m offending them. Perhaps instead of lifting people up, I’m dragging them down. Perhaps what I’m trying to accomplish is all backfiring, creating the opposite effects than those I want. I’m hurt and confused and tired. I’ve been having nightmares, some of which are apocalyptic and terrifying. Needless to say, recent nights have been fitful, and my rest has been far from restorative. Recent days have been literally as well as symbolically gray.
I came very close to completely shutting down. I’ve been known to do that.
Sir took me out last night, just the two of us. ‘Date Night.’ We have one of these every three to six weeks. It normally entails dinner and a return home for detailed and heightened play that being suburban parents usually limits. Last night, we had a nice, quiet dinner. I don’t habitually stare at my phone when I’m out with other humans, especially not Sir. I’m actually new to smartphone usage, and I don’t particularly care for cell phones (or phones in general) anyway. But last night Sir noticed I didn’t even bring my phone, and I wasn’t saying much, not even to Him. When we got home, like we normally do on Date Nights, we had a ‘scene.’ Usually, Sir eases into ‘scene’ activity, but last night, He jumped right in, full force. All of the pent up anxiety and frustration left. I was fully engaged with Him immediately, and while dates are always intense, it seemed to me like I felt things with markedly more passion and depth. When Sir finished with me, I fell asleep early, warm and safe in His arms, and I slept soundly all night. Almost ten hours. I don’t think I’ve gotten that much sound sleep in years.
“What’s that?” Sir teased when we finally woke, nodding toward the place He wanted my focus. I marginally raised my head to answer Him. “It’s the sun,” He informed me instead of waiting for my response. We exchanged a smile. It was, indeed, the sunshine filtering through the small skylight in our master suite at home, falling across our rumpled sheets.
Sir isn’t a verbose man, but He does have an uncanny way with metaphor. (I actually wish I could write the way he communicates…both succinct and extraordinarily meaningful).
Of course, now that we’re back into Sunday family routine, and ‘the real world’ has entered back into my thought patterns, the guilt and worry and overwhelming mountain of problems are still there, but the sun is still shining. It’s been out all day. Thank You, Sir, for helping me see a little sunshine.
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