Evan The magic space dwarf @evanthemagicspacedwarf - Tumblr Blog

"It'll give you an erection and it wins the election"-Tom Waits, Step Right Up

As much as I consider myself a femminist, which, to be honest isn't very much. But I believe in equality, which I've been told makes me a femminist. I'm an anarchist, which while flawed, is the only way for equality (Not true equality, because that's impossible, it's human nature to section people). Everyone would be on an equal playing field, whether you're black, white, male, female, Martian, Canadian, French even. I don't like to nit pick when it comes to equality, I just like to say "everyone should be equal" and leave it at that. It annoys me when people complain about the sexualisation of men and women when there are bigger problems to worry about. For example, black people get longer sentences than white people for the same crime, and there's global warming, and we're running out of oil. The fact that everything could crumble and everyone is moaning about companies using sex to sell, sickens me. No, I don't see women as objects. "I am not a number, I am a free man!"-The Prisoner. You can find a woman or a man attractive and still respect them for being a fucking great human being. I despise the pay gap, I think the idea that someone should be paid different to someone else because they have breasts, or a penis is a genuine problem that people should worry about. And for those of you who still whine about sexualisation, ask anyone who was alive 20-30 years ago about sexualisation and they'll tell you it was a lot worse then, things are getting better! Sex sells, It's as simple as that. Like it or not, it works and it generates a lot of cash for the economy. Honestly, things for men and women aren't great, but things get better. In 20-30 years from now (which in the grand scheme of things is like a second), maybe men and women will be equal. It's been a long time since the civil rights movement and life for black people is still improving. Trust me guys, things improve. They just take their time. Hang on, like, femminists moaning on the Internet isn't going to cause an overnight social revolution. Anyway, if history has taught us anything, revolutions only work if violence is involved. The civil rights movement wasn't just peace, love and nice mottos. When I'm in the mood for revolution, I look at the lives of great successful revolutionaries like Che Guevara, Leon Trotsky and Lenin, and the one major thing they have in common (apart from communism) is that they used brutal force. I'm gonna paraphrase a quote here- "sometimes a man has to to the wrong thing to do the right thing." What we can take from this is that, there has to be a violent period before peace and love. If you really want pollotical and social reform, you have to riot or "protest" in the street. I've many a time been tempted to start a left wing "terrorist" organisation, but really, I can't be arsed (or can't say online for fear of being arrested, y'dig?). But anyway, to conclude, just like don't worry about sexualisation, women and men are attractive, if we weren't we wouldn't want to reproduce as a species. People forget that deep down the human race are beasts, and we still follow basic animalistic instincts, like the urge to reproduce, or to sleep or to eat. Also, we need to just pull a Circle Jerks and go wild in the street, really wind up the pig fuckers we call the Conservative government. It's the quickest and easiest way to change things. - If you've read this and taken in my opinion all nice and civil and not felt the urge to scream at me instantly, I thank you. If you do feel the need to scream at me, please do so nicely and try and see my point of view, if you do that, maybe I'll agree with yours more. The reason I wouldn't class my self as a die-hard femminist, is because a lot of femminists I know are opinionated, asses. I usually agree with niceness, so be friendly. Thank you. Evan Rowe- opinionated left-wing extremist asshole since I don't know when.

#Feminsm #politicallycorrectbullshit #femminists #anarchism #sexualisation

I'm trying to read some Stephen King and my sister wont stop being a whiny bitch. I may shoot some people within a few meters away from me.

The Raven

Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered, weak and weary, Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore— While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping, As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door. "'Tis some visiter," I muttered, "tapping at my chamber door— Only this and nothing more."

—Edgar Allan Poe

Shopping

Today, I was woken up by Sam. He'd got up early to knock for me so we could get a breakfast in Subway, It was fucking delicious. Soon after we decided to pop in various charity shop in search of that one golden item you find in charity shops (in my experience you end up finding Shakespeare's lost play for 50p). I walked out a with The Sims 2 and Rollercoaster Tycoon 3. We then moved on to my 2nd home, The Market, where I bought a Princess Peach Action figure for my little sister, and a comic book for myself.

Yesterday I traded in my beloved PS1 to get a few games for my little brother for Christmas, The Things I Do For My Family.

Wow! I haven't posted anything in ages!!!

But that's okay, because you guys don't care, but I'll keep on rambling anyway.

I've just put up my Christmas decorations, I've got South Park's Mr Hankey's Christmas Classics playing on repeat, I feel so fucking Christmasy.

School's annoying, Music is preventing me from finishing my History coursework (Which I think is more important), this is the first time I think I've ever said this but...Fuck Music.

#School #MyTumblrSucks

Stephen King is just the best!

Nuff' said!

I think They Might Be Giants is my new favourite thing

They're really obscure sounding and have a really weird sense of dynamics, and it just works. For those of you who don't know, they did the theme tune to Malcolm in the Middle. Listen to the albums Flood and Apollo 18, Apollo 18 is my favourite album outta the two because it's just weird and was designed to be played on shuffle mode, read about it on Wikipedia or something, it's interesting.

madmop

explosm

By @daveexplosm. http://www.explosm.net/comics ?! Don’t mind if I do!

Mother Fucking Update Motherfuckers!

Hey, How are you? I'm Great! I don't plan on writing any swerve city in a while, I've just finished reading The Walking Dead compendium 2 which I much preferred to number one, the subjects they tackle and the level of connection with the characters was pretty fucking good, but now, having read all of my comics I have but two options, Stay awake all week browsing the internet for weird little indie bands and drinking coffee, or go on amazon and get some new comics, then again I have got GoT to read, however I'm missing the first book in the Great Bearded Glacier's epic fantasy, I'll have to try and remember who I let borrow it, it's one of those books that every one raves about that I constantly say I'd get round to reading but never do. on a semi related note, Why is it that books written for my age group disinterest me? I've read The Hunger Games Trilogy, Which I just found to be way to teenagey for me, I then gave Divergent a try, and despite many people yelling "It's nothing like the hunger games" I still think that they are exactly the same character and style wise, sure the concept and plot points are different but everything else is just way to similar to The Hunger Games for me to like it, I would rather something with a complex plot, Characters that are actually any good, there not being a shitty film adaption of it.

Fun Fact: The Fault in our Stars was a steaming pile of shit based upon the knowledge that teens would lick it up off the floor, Fuck You John Green

#Reveiws #Books #Comics #Hunger Games #Divergent #The Fault in our stars #ughhhh

Swereve City Part 6

this one's a flashback, remember the loser in number 1, well this is where he ties in.

The Start of This Whole Bloody affair

20 years before the last tale of murder in Swerve City…

Don James Francis Balltoni sat in his chair “So, Mr…” There was a loud fluttering noise from outside his office window “… I hope you understand what I’m asking you. I need you and Mr Sanchez to settle accounts with Damien Cheat, Mr Van Cleef said He’s made a false promise, and a promise can never be a false promise in our line of work, Can it? I want you to go to their house, and I want you to kill the mother in front of her crying children, I Want you to leave the children alive, do whatever you want with them, and just leave them alive, and when that’s all done I want you to take Mr Cheat into the middle of the desert and put a bullet between his eyes!” Said Mr Balltoni sternly. He calmed down and stubbed out his cigar on his office desk, smoke covered his face like a wedding veil on a toad. The two men left the room, they walked through the Mob’s main office, and if you were to ever walk into it yourself you’d think it was the head office of a newspaper, The Mob were clever, They’d always find a way of getting out of trouble. Mr Sanchez and the man only known as The Driver got into a Matte Orange Mustang parked outside the building. “Roberto, You handle the wife and kids, I’ll handle Damien, Okay?” Said The Driver to Mr. Sanchez calmly, killing people isn’t new to him. “Okay man, you handle Damien, but I’m not killing the wife on my own!” Replied Mr. Sanchez. “Okay, Okay, Let’s be careful about killing the Children, then.” Said The Driver. They left the car, and walked kicked open the door of the house.

“Hello amigos!!!” Screamed Roberto (A.K.A Mr. Sanchez) in a tone which sounded like he was playing some form of sadistic game. There were several gunshots as Roberto let out a spray across the house, they walked further into the house, and the downstairs was empty, not a soul in sight. They slowly walked up the stairs; every creak was a tiny little explosion, “Five rooms, five doors shut” Whispered the Driver to Roberto. The Driver and Roberto kicked open separate doors, The Driver opened door one with a slow ominous creak, he peeked inside; nothing was in this room. Suddenly, there was a loud gunshot and Roberto let out a scream, the kinda’ scream you’d expect out of a girl in an old 60s horror flick. The Driver span round, in the doorway of one of the rooms was a 20 year old boy holding a Winchester rifle “I shot your buddy, now get out mister if ya’ know what’s good for ya!” Screamed the boy. “I’ve been ordered not to hurt you, I just want your Mother, nothing else” said The Driver slowly walking closer with his hands in the air. “You ain’t going anywhere near my Ma! My Pa’s out of the house!” Said the boy threatening The Driver by jabbing at him with the barrel of the gun. “I’ll do it mister! I’ll shoot, I’ll put you down like your friend over there!” The Diver stepped backwards slowly, the boy edging closer by the second. Roberto managed to reach his gun and shot the boy in the spine with a loud bang, the boy paused then fell face first towards the floor, “What the fuck dude, we weren’t meant to kill the kids!” Yelled The Driver. “Oh! No thank you! No asking me if I’m alright, if you were wondering he got me in the leg pretty bad! Would you class that boy as a kid? He’s only a few years younger than you amigo!” Yelled Roberto back at The Driver.

A creak came from the 3rd bedroom, followed by the slight sound of sobbing. The Driver kicked open the door, inside the room was the wife of Damien Cheat. There was a cupboard, inside said cupboard hid Jerry Cheat and Mariah cheat, if was dark, Jerry wanted to cry but he had to keep his sister Mariah safe, his sister was 6, he was 10, and for those of you who don’t know, Ten is a big deal, it means responsibility, and Jerry had the biggest responsibility of all, to look after his sister while Mommy and Daddy talked to their noisy angry friends who don’t like kids.

The Driver fired several rounds into Jerry’s mother, Jerry knew what had happened and started to cry, He pushed open the cupboard doors and crawled out and shook his Mother’s corpse like an old man with a salt shaker, crying his eyes out. The Driver came and picked the boy up and took him to the car, he strapped him in the passenger seat, and drove off; He needed to find Damien Cheat...

#Swerve City #part 6 #Part of a series #Fargo #short story

vintageruminance-deactivated201

Sigourney Weaver looking to camera between takes on Aliens in 1985, London

Swerve City Part 5

The Middle one...

Jerry was a middle child, mainly ignored by his parents who adored his little sister and respected his older brother; his older brother was crippled after the man in the black trench coat slaughtered his family all those years ago. Mr Van Cleef, The traitorous asshole sold his family out to the mob, and he’s dead now. Now all Jerry needs to do is kill one more person before he kills the man in the black trench coat, He needs to kill Roberto Sanchez.

Roberto was a short angry Mexican assassin with outstanding facial hair and a never ending thirst for blood and cocaine; He lived in a small town in the desert, the kind of town you’d expect to see in an old western, there’s no internet there, no electricity, it’s the strangest place in the civilised world.

Jerry Road horseback throughout the freezing desert night, Cacti are strange plants, they’re prickly yet there’s a delicate flower that’s pleasing to the eye on the top of them, it goes to show that sometimes even the most fragile things are dangerous. Jerry arrived at the town, and rode slowly through the town to the building labelled la cárcel, which is Spanish for Jail. Outside sat a grumpy looking old Mexican Lawman, “¿Habla inglés?” asked Jerry in his best Mexican Accent. “Ci, What do you want?” Replied the lawman. “I’m here on business, and I was wondering if you know where I might find a Mr Roberto Sanchez?” Inquired Jerry in a profound, yet somehow light tone of voice. “Eh, I do know where he is, but what does a gringo like you want with Roberto Sanchez?” answered the lawman in a somewhat threatening tone. “Mr Sanchez has done some very bad things to very nice people, and I’m here to make sure he pays for those things.” Replied the vengeful Jerry. “Very well, if you want to do my job for me, I’m happy. He’s in the saloon down the street! Have fun!”

Jerry walked down towards the saloon; everyone knew what was going to happen so they stepped out of his way. Jerry kicked open the salon doors “Roberto Sanchez! You killed my family!” an old Mexican man with a handle bar moustache stood up from his chair and turned around “Did I? I’m sorry, I’m not proud of the things I’ve done, if you’d like we can duel out there in the street like men, or we can sit down and talk things out like gentlemen, eh?” said the Old Man, with a stern yet sorrowful voice. “You have to pay! You killed my family!” Screamed Jerry. “Yes, I heard you the first time, I guess you want to gun down a bitter old man in the street then, Meet me later outside, at sundown.” Said the now grey haired Roberto. Jerry left the saloon and waited for sundown.

They met outside the saloon at sundown, The sun slowly going down below the desert horizon was the perfect metaphor for this, an old man excepting the fact that he had to pay for his crimes, he had to lay down and die, but that doesn’t mean he had to die now, this was a duel, not an execution. The old man and the young man stared each other in the eyes, the old man pulled his pistol out of its holster and so did the young man. The old man fired and so did the young boy, there was silence, then two thuds; the first thud was a bitter old man paying for his mistakes, and the second was a young man out to avenge the deaths of those he held dear.

What happens next?

Will more blood be shed in Swerve City?

Find out next time in Swerve City Part 6: Evan Can’t think of a name for this!

#Sin City #short story #Swereve City #Fargo #Crime drama #noir #Westerns

WHERE WOULD YOU MOST LIKE TO VISIT ON YOUR PLANET?

Yo' Mom!

Swerve City Part 4

I was up all last night and I was bored! This is by far one of the best swerve city stories I've written so far, It ties in quite well with one and 3, The similarities are there, some of them are fucking massive, just not overly obvious.

The Long (and deadly) arm of the Law

The window fell apart with a loud smashing sound, out of the window dashed a man, this man wore a black leather trench coat, a black eye patch and big, black, steel-toed boots, Great for kicking a man’s skull in. On this man’s hip there was a gun, it was a painted black 44. Magnum revolver, the kind you’d blow a man’s head to pieces with, like a water melon under a massive, heavy sledgehammer. He sped down the street like a gazelle being chased by lions. He could hear the ear shattering wail of sirens, the long arm of the law had come for him, the lions were chasing their prey. He ran around the corner, he had parked a getaway vehicle in an alleyway; the alleyway he needed to go to was just across the street.

He peeked around the corner; the police had made a blockade. “Fuck.” He thought to himself. The chief of police spoke, “We know you’re there mister, come out with your hands up or we will be forced to shoot, do you understand?” The man carefully walked out into the middle of the street, Smiled and said “No, Sir, I do not understand, but what I do understand is that there are seven of you, including yourself obviously. Now, this is the important part, Important for you, so I’d listen. On my hip there is a 44. Magnum Revolver, and how many shots does a 44. Magnum Revolver fire? That’s right, six shots” there were 6 loud gunshots, and 6 of the Sheriff’s men hit the ground with a cold, dead thud. “Fuck! Who do you think you are?” Said the Sheriff in a stern voice. The man looked the sheriff in the eyes and replied “That’s for me to know, Sheriff, and for you to find out.” The man smirked and dashed for his bike.

He lifted himself onto the seat, the seat was made of a tough hard leather, yet it was somehow comfortable, the man, revved the engine, he had to go save a damsel in distress, and that damsel’s name was Midnight. He soared off down the road, dust kicking up behind him. The Sheriff stood there with a dropped jaw “That man may well be the fastest gun Swerve City’s ever seen.” He got off into his squad car, and drove back to the precinct, shocked at the events that had unfolded in that short amount of time.

Stay tuned for more action in the wonderful world of Swerve City…

…In Swerve City part 5: The middle one!

#short story #Part of a series #sin city #Crime drama #Fargo

Swerve City Part 3

Here's number 3, it's a tad less tense and gripping as the others, but it ties in well with number 4!

Le Femme Fatale

Mariah put on her lipstick, It was the big show tonight, all she needed to do was this one last show, just one more show and she wouldn’t have to degrade herself by dancing for the entertainment of vile disgusting men who would yell various cat calls and such. A voice yelled from the stage “Load your guns for this Dame to kill for! She’s the sexiest broad to have ever grinded on this here pole, Miss Midnight!” She walked down the catwalk to the pole; the prying eyes of every horny son of a bitch in the room were staring at her. “One more show, one, last, fucking time” She told herself, in a low secretive tone. In fact, she wasn’t actually allowed to leave the club at all, this was a mob owned club, the mob didn’t want her to leave until she was old and grey, and when she does shrivel up like a dried prune they would just toss her out into some back alley like trash, left to die a horrible death near a filthy, disgusting bin.

Mariah didn’t have to take this, luckily for her, she had a friend, and her friend was particularly good at smuggling weapons. “I hope you sexy boys have got your pistols loaded, because I do!” Screamed Mariah as she pulled a pistol out of her tight velvet panties! She fired round after round into the goons hired by the mob to keep their femme fatale trapped in depravity; the walls of the club were now crimson. Blood trickled down the wall like tears from the eyes of ever nun forced into sin, the club was a bloodbath. Mariah used the commotion as a shield, she weaved around the crowd like a snake looking for its helpless prey, and she crept out the door. She waited outside the club in the cold, dark, smelly streets of Swerve City; a black chopper pulled up outside the front of the club, on there was someone Mariah had seen before, however she could not remember where. “Hey Baby, Get on.” Said The Driver, with a cold, deep voice. She sat on the chopper, the seat was hard and made of leather, yet somehow it felt quite comfortable. The Driver then said in his, cold, deep voice “Let’s go, we’ve got all night…” Mariah smiled and they sailed off into the cold, dark night, Mariah’s jet black hair trailing behind all the while.

Why is this called vengeance you ask? Maybe it’s just lousy writing,

Find out next time in Swerve City part 4: The long arm of the law.

#Part of a series #if you like #fargo #and #sin city #you'd #like #my swerve city short stories

Swerve City Part 2

This story isn't a continuation of the first one, I may do this as a series, They all connect somehow!

The Duel of Ol’ Hat Boulevard…

“I’m somewhere in Swerve City, But to be more specific I’m near Ol’ Hat Boulevard. Yes. I know. I’ll be home soon; I need to see a friend. Okay, Love you!” Jerry hung up the phone; His wife Louise had been worried about him recently. He had been going out late at night and was always very quiet during dinner. She must’ve thought he was having an affair; the truth is quite the opposite, He was planning, planning Something Big.

Jerry was a small man, He was weak and skinny, he wore a pair of black lace up Doc Martin Boots, Black skinny fit jeans, a dirty white T-shirt and a jacket, and he also had a brown leather holster on his hip and a knife on his leg. Inside the holster on his hip, was a fully loaded 44. Magnum Revolver, Jerry was out for blood, and the blood he was out for was inside 22 Ol’ Hat Boulevard…

Jerry Walked towards the door of the house, the blinds on the main window of the house flicked up to reveal a pair of paranoid eyes looking around impatiently. Tumbleweed blew down the dusty road; living in the desert is nice, walking around on quiet days reminds you of those old Sergio Leone Westerns. Jerry stood at a halt in the middle of the empty desert road, He placed a pair of earphones in his ears, The Demise of Barbra and the return of Joe by Ennio Morricone was playing. His target, a Mr Lawrence Van Cleef, Stepped outside. Mr Van Cleef wore a Black Stetson, a brown leather trench coat, Black trousers and a pair of black cowboy boots. The two foes looked each other in the eye, they both knew only one man was going to survive this encounter. “Well, Looks like you’ve come to settle accounts my old friend!” Mr Van Cleef Chuckled. “Yes, You could call it that old friend.” Replied Jerry, with a serious face of stone. “Well, I say we duel then, on the road now!” Yelled Mr Van Cleef with an enthusiastic tone in his voice.

The two advisories took their places on the duelling ground, They stared at each other with dead eyes, the song was reaching its climax,”Heheh” Laughed Lawrence in a deep sadistic tone. The song had reached its triumphant climax. Jerry pulled his gun out of his Holster and fired, “BLAM! Laugh at that ‘Old friend!’” He yelled. Mr Van Cleef fell to the baking hot ground with a thud, Jerry had shot him right in the heart, the song was over, The duel was won.

Swerve City is a buzzing hive of Corruption, Murder, and Greed, but what fuels these passions?

Find out Next time in Swerve City Part three: Vengeance!

#spaghetti #Westerns #sergio leone #sin city #Fargo #short story

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Evan The magic space dwarf