ONE DAY I WILL RETURN TO YOUR SIDE

(Header description: black and white concept art of the beach from the fishing village in Disco Elysium. Icon description: official game portrait of the Volition skill in Disco Elysium. End description.) meg || any pronouns || ao3: dearfriendicanfly Just a dumping ground for little scraps of Disco Elysium dialogue I write but might not want to make into a whole fic.

[even-disco-baby]

Hi these posts aren’t quotes from anything they’re just little excerpts I wrote and maybe didn’t feel like expanding them into full fics worth publishing. But I like them and wanted to put them out there somewhere anyway. 🤙 They also aren’t necessarily related to each other. No continuity here just stuff that popped into my brain. Also feel free to send requests I just may not get to them quickly

Ficlets all archived in order here on ao3

Rules for skill checks in CYOA polls: if the skill check option wins the poll, that’s a check attempt. The number after the difficulty is the minimum percentage of the vote that will earn a check success. For instance: “Medium 50” means the check will be successful if at least 50% of voters attempt the skill check. 🫡👍

[even-disco-baby]

THOUGHT GAINED: INFERNAL ENGINES

PROBLEM

The world is ending. You know it, your neighbor knows it, the dealer knows it, the jailer knows it, the king and all his men know it. All one has to do is look around to see it— the future is curdling into something pale and incorporeal. The infernal machine that is this stupid world is going to blow, sooner rather than later. So what are you doing? Why are you still here? Why is anyone still here?

SOLUTION

You are doing the only thing worth doing. You are living. *Why,* you ask? Try and remember now. Remember your mother’s hand on your shoulder. Remember the taste of a fresh catch. Remember the times when you were kind to the dogs in the valley and they did not bare their teeth. Remember the weight of a child on your shoulders. Remember the stars throwing their light against the wall of sodium and smog. Remember singing until your throat was raw. Remember crying just as loudly and publicly, and the gentleness with which someone opened your curled fist and pressed a handkerchief into your palm. Crying, laughing, running, eating, screaming, haunting, loving, fighting, fighting, fighting. The fight fuels you, and you fuel the fight. You run yourself ragged just for a chance to keep running. You never stop. You cannot stop. The world depends on it. *You* are the infernal engine. You are the world. And, simply put: you want to live.

[bedsandbones-deactivated2026013]

i hope op knows how important this post is. i keep coming back to it. makes me want to keep going. to keep trying

[even-disco-baby]

THOUGHT GAINED: INFERNAL ENGINES

PROBLEM

The world is ending. You know it, your neighbor knows it, the dealer knows it, the jailer knows it, the king and all his men know it. All one has to do is look around to see it— the future is curdling into something pale and incorporeal. The infernal machine that is this stupid world is going to blow, sooner rather than later. So what are you doing? Why are you still here? Why is anyone still here?

SOLUTION

You are doing the only thing worth doing. You are living. *Why,* you ask? Try and remember now. Remember your mother’s hand on your shoulder. Remember the taste of a fresh catch. Remember the times when you were kind to the dogs in the valley and they did not bare their teeth. Remember the weight of a child on your shoulders. Remember the stars throwing their light against the wall of sodium and smog. Remember singing until your throat was raw. Remember crying just as loudly and publicly, and the gentleness with which someone opened your curled fist and pressed a handkerchief into your palm. Crying, laughing, running, eating, screaming, haunting, loving, fighting, fighting, fighting. The fight fuels you, and you fuel the fight. You run yourself ragged just for a chance to keep running. You never stop. You cannot stop. The world depends on it. *You* are the infernal engine. You are the world. And, simply put: you want to live.

[even-disco-baby]

hi, hope you’re well! i’m on my second run of the game rn and came across the next world mural bit in the case files for the first time and i just wanted to tell you your excerpt on that with kim and harry is one of the most gorgeous things i’ve read <3

encountering that in the game drove me insane and reading your excerpt just added to that in the best way

:’’ this is so sweet, I’m really glad you enjoyed it! That one is definitely one of the pieces I’m most proud of

[even-disco-baby]

hope your pain eases soon friend

Thank you friend 💙💙

[even-disco-baby]

Thank you for coming back, even for just a moment. I wish you the best, and I wish the world wouldn't fail you as bad as it is doing right now

You’re very kind 💙💙 wishing you the best as well :’

[even-disco-baby]

INSULINDIAN PHASMID — What is it like to have a concept of failure?

YOU — You don’t?

INSULINDIAN PHASMID — My only purpose is to exist. What is there to fail at?

YOU — Then death would be a failure, wouldn’t it?

INSULINDIAN PHASMID — No. That is part of my purpose, too. Why would I call something a failure if it is unavoidable?

YOU — …

INSULINDIAN PHASMID — I’m sorry. I really can’t understand it.

To fail is to die. It’s just as unavoidable, and just as final. I’m a dead man walking at this point.

I’d rather live as a failure than die. You can at least come back from failure.

Failure is just one stage of the communist project. The only way to avoid it is to never try at all, and that is the only true failure there is.

It just hurts. I don’t know how else to describe it.

I wish I was like you. If I could look at life the way you do, then I would never be afraid of anything…

INSULINDIAN PHASMID — Do you think so? You must be very different from me, then. I am afraid of many things. And I am often hurt. I have lost limbs. I have been sick. I have gone hungry, and I have eaten my own children, and I have slept in the empty nest.

YOU — How can you just accept it? I can’t understand you, either…

EMPATHY — There is no way to bridge the gap. She cannot explain it any more than you could explain to her what it is like to fail.

INSULINDIAN PHASMID — I cannot say that I understand your pain, but I know what pain is. And I know that it passes, and life goes on. And even when the pain does not pass, life still goes on.

YOU — How do you bear the pain?

INSULINDIAN PHASMID — Well, usually, I eat.

HALF-LIGHT — Even if her children are all that there is to eat…

INSULINDIAN PHASMID — How do you bear it?

Not very well, to be honest.

Drugs. A lot of them.

By trying to make her love me again. I have to believe she can love me again.

By trying to construct a framework, an identity, *anything* to make the pain make sense.

By talking to you.

INSULINDIAN PHASMID — Oh! Are you in pain right now?

YOU — Yeah. But it’s okay.

CONCEPTUALIZATION — Life gets haaaaard… But we go ooooon…

[juha-art]

THE NEXT WORLD MURAL

text is from this post by @even-disco-baby <3

mural is inspired by 'the kiss' by hayez

[even-disco-baby]

would you be ok with people illustrating your writing? with credit of course. love you work!

I would be very honored :)

[even-disco-baby]

how does it feel to know your writing stopped someone from taking their own life?.

have been sitting on this one for a while bc I don't really know how to answer it. And also bc I don't want to like... idk, come across like I'm tooting my own horn or smth. But I'll say as someone who has been institutionalized before for suicidal thoughts, it affects me a lot. Part of why I started this blog was because of the way disco elysium portrays suicidality and the way it intersects with politics. As someone a lot more eloquently than me once put it, de is a game where you wake up in Harry's chalk body outline and then try to solve the mystery of his social murder. Playing it felt similar to a lot of the conversations I had back when I was dealing with suicidal thoughts, friends who had been through the same thing and were willing to give me that space to talk about it without judgment and respond with the same honesty. More than anything, that's what saved me back then. Like loving myself through loving others who kindly held up a mirror to me. Something like that.

I have one friend in particular to thank for those long talks, and also... for the many many hours we spent writing little fanfictions between those talks haha. We would write for each other and pick apart each others' stories and also talk about what thoughts/feelings/events inspired what we wrote. It probably sounds silly, but it was an avenue for connection on a level I hadn't ever really connected with anyone on before. We're still friends and I consider them one of the best I've ever had.

So I'm reminded of that time and those connections I've made with people through making/talking about art as an avenue for exploring the context of our lives. I sometimes get embarrassed about how much of me is in these little excerpts but I think I won't anymore. Not to make this all about myself but I'm glad if I was able to pay forward the kindness and honesty I was shown even a little bit and connect with other people on that level even for just the minute or two it takes to read a tumblr post. Not to keep quoting that one shivers line over and over again but I really do think we are what keeps each other on this earth. So thanks for being here with me.

[even-disco-baby]

I just want to say that I love your fanfics and I’m rolling around in them like a golden retriever in a mud puddle. And I’m gonna get these delicious headcanons alllll in the seats of the Kineema

slslfkgshdfgjk sorry for answering this like over a year late (fsr there are a couple asks in my box that i've only seen now that i'm on desktop instead of mobile...) but this made me chuckle. I'm sure Kim would forgive u. maybe.

[even-disco-baby]

i know this is a shared sentiment because i did some research, but your infernal engines post helped me want to stop killing myself too and i just wanted to say thank you

I wish I had words to say what this means to me. All I can really say is thank you for staying on this earth with me. I hope that we can all be here together for a long time to come.

[even-disco-baby]

I'm here from the stil_lindigo post but it's also reminded me that I need to keep playing Disco Elysium because it's an awesome game. But more importantly thank you. Thank you for that post and it's so true that death plagues many people's minds but every little reminder to keep going means everything to us. The feeling of being led to your Infernal Engines post tonight is beyond what words can describe and could almost bring me to believe in some higher power. Maybe the truth is that the higher power is the voice we scream out with begging for someone to remember that they are not alone. Thank you a million times over.

I just don’t even know what to say. This made me tear up. Yeah I really truly don’t know what to say. Aside from thank you and I’m glad that my work touched you. I think I’ll be thinking about this message for a long time.

[even-disco-baby]

…oh my god?

[even-disco-baby]

your infernal engines post stopped me from killing myself, so thank you for that. life is suffering and things are definitely going to get so much worse. but there’s a point to living just so the people you love don’t have to deal with another source of grief in their life, I think. I’m not sure. I might change my mind. But I came close one night to making a very real material step towards killing myself, and I read your post, so instead I lay down on the floor and cried and slept.

Oh… I wrote that piece around the time that I had some suicide scares with loved ones that triggered my own suicidal thoughts as well. Hearing that it stopped you from harming yourself is really making me emotional. Thank you for that choice and for telling me about it.

That thought that “it’s worth it to stay alive not to put my loved ones through that grief” is also what kept me from harming myself once. For a while, it was the only reason I had at all. But since then, I’ve found a lot more reasons. I know that it probably sounds hollow coming from someone who doesn’t know you or your situation, but I really believe that just the potential of finding reasons to live is in itself a strong reason. I hope that kinder times are coming soon for you and that you will eat good food in good company and be treated with love and kindness and find the resources and advocacy that you need. And for my part I will keep working as best I can to build spaces in this world where people can find those things. I think I said something in the tags of that post about how keeping each other on this earth is the whole point of everything and I still believe that. I’m glad if I was able to keep you here on this earth with me even for just a little while. All my love and solidarity to you, anon.

[even-disco-baby]

what am this i if lonely always,

So real

[thingsthatmakeyouacey]

Buy e-sims for Gazans

To keep Gazans connected through these telecomms blackouts, activists have arranged for distributing free e-SIMs to people in Gaza. Anyone can buy an e-SIM and send the activation code (usually a QR code) to Mirna el Helbawi who is coordinating distribution.

Instructions from here

1. Go to https://getnomad.app/. click on the menu in the top right-hand side, and click on Shop Plans then Data

2. Go to Regional Plans and select “Middle East” (people are reporting that this option has been removed, so if you don’t find it, either seect “Global” or search “Israel” in the search bar at the top of the page, and select that)

3. Choose a plan, agree to terms, and pay

4. Wait for an email with a QR code

5. Save the QR code image or screenshot it, and email it to [email protected]

This is just one possible service. (Note that you may have seen posts about Simly which partnered and raised donations to give out free e-SIMS but they have asked for donations to stop as they raised $70k in a day and needed to figure out allocation.)

[thingsthatmakeyouacey]

If you or someone you know needs an e-SIM, it’s the same address:

[image description: a tweet from Mirna el Helbawi @Mirna_elhelbawi reading: “We will send e-sims to ANYONE in Gaza. Not just Press and medical teams. If you're in Gaza or have family/relatives/friends there, let us know and we will provide you internet access. [email protected].” The tweet is dated October 30, 2023. End ID]

[thingsthatmakeyouacey]

BACKPACKNOMAD is a coupon code for $3 off.

[thingsthatmakeyouacey]

Nomad is no longer covering Palestine. Please share this updated version.

The organizers are asking for you to use a different service. Here are the instructions for Airalo:

1. Download the app

2. Select the “Middle East and North Africa” regional option

3. Purchase a plan

4. Go to the “My e-SIMs” tab

5. Click “view instructions”

6. Click through the instructions until you see the QR code

7. Screenshot and email to [email protected]