The Avengers & Co. as Shit My Friends Have Said
“My life is an ‘oops’ command.”
“Oh boy, 3am! Except you don’t get krabby patties you just get… depression.”
“Wake up America, science is gay.”
“Purgatory is hell for basic bitches.”
“How high would I have to drop 280 bananas for it to kill me?”
“I’m depressed, stressed, and ready to diiiiiiiiiiiie.”
“Knock knock. Who’s there? Is that the depression?”
“Shhh let me blame my Irresponsible sleeping habits on the sex squirrels.”
“Stop objectifying me. Or don’t, I’m not really sure.”
“Just let me do the alcohol!”
“I’m not a person, I’m more of a sad sack of pasta.”
“Scientifically, dude, that’s big dick energy. Trust me, I know. I’m a science major.”
“Just because you AmeriCAN doesn’t mean you AmeriSHOULD.”
*eating a peanut butter pie from Wegman’s* “I’ve never had sex, but this has to be better.”
“Have you ever been on the lam?”
“LETS GO AMERICA WHAT A TIME TO BE GAY”
“I had sex with a girl once. And by sex I mean I stared at her until she got uncomfortable.”
“Not with money, with my fists.”
“I’m a human icepack! It’s fine!”
“It’s not murder if the ice cream does it.”
“I’m a certified bitchTM.”
*said with hella shade* “Honey, I knew you in 2015 and you did not look like that.”
“All you need is Disney World and sex, preferably sex at Disney World.”
“I am a little petite skinny-ass white bitch and I’m not scared of Chicago. It’s not that scary!”
“Wine is like the liquid ghosts of dead grapes.”
“TRAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!“
“You sent her over here to touch me!”
“This is why I love being on the floor. I can spread out like a starfish.”
“I’m gonna eat in the sammich.”
“You know what, if it doesn’t work out, I’m just gonna move to Peru and be a goat farmer.”
“By default that makes you 10% less smarter.”
“Sometimes I wish I was a platypus.”
“You are not you when you’re Snickers.”
“Chem is basically memorization and math… Bio is all memorization and physics is all math… oh my god.”
“Like, 27% of the time, I just wanna drop everything and go live alone in a cave just to avoid people, you know?”
“Bagels are the only things that should be separate but equal.”
“It doesn’t make sense… but I understand.”
“I have the power of God and Potassium on my side!!!!!”
“The only thing we snort is the smell of old books.”
“Whoooaaaaa… Lip syncing is just air vocals.”
“Deer are basically just giant horse dogs.”
“OUT OF THE 1 UNIVERSE 9 PLANETS 7 SEAS SEVEN CONTINENTS 809 ISLANDS AND 208 COUNTRIES U HAVE TO THROW ME UNDER THE BUS!”
“Everything you need to know in life you can learn from two movies: The Lion King and The Godfather.”
“The government didn’t invent birds!”
“I can feel the racism, it’s radiating. Like greenhouse gasses.”
“People don’t think shit be like it do, but it do.”
“Can I offer you an earbud in these trying times?”
“This bitch has glowing eyes!… This bitch! Has glowing eyes!!!”
“I’m not a virus, guys. You can sit down.”
“I’m having a hard time existing today.”
“I want a gun that shoots tiny guns that shoots tiny guns that shoots tiny bullets.”
“Step 1: Apply physical contact to the friend area.”
“I got bitch-slapped by Jesus on a roller-coaster.”
“Am I a Barbie doll or a Tonka truck?”
“It’s a Girl Scout badge for my brain.”
“I feel weird without my butt.”
“It was dabomb dot… edu. I’m educated.”
“I guess I’m a plant. *Holds out arms and looks to the sun* PHOTOSYNTHESIS!!”
“Look, all of the money we’re not spending on alcohol… we can spend on fruit snacks.”
“Chicken is just an evolved egg.”
“Guys… I can feel that apple juice in my nose.”
“What if you had hot dogs for arms?”
“Guys… what if you woke up one day and had dick fingers?”
*Encouraging friend to eat a brownie* “Oh, come on! We don’t have to worry about heart disease for a few more decades!”
“The only thing I have ever used my twitter for was to live tweet high school musical at the ten year reunion, so I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
*takes a long sip of a Capri Sun* “You gotta fuck the system… before the system… fucks you.”
“I can stab Anyone with Anything because I believe in Jesus Christ.”
“I am uncultured, I am swine, get the fuck over it.”
“I have two emotions: harp and hatred.”
“I’m feeling very stabby.”
“I’m officially The Business BitchTM.”
“Oh good. Oh grand. Oh fuck my life.”
*distressed* “I can’t eat. I’m a woman.”
“We are all the murder scarf.”
*when asked how they got a smoothie* “I killed a man.”
“I’ll have you know, I am the resident fish.”
*happily* “Looks like there’s some internal bleeding going on.”
“You look like you murdered the Cookie Monster!”
“What if I did an armed robbery… but instead of asking for money, I ask for cellos.”
