How to Help a Friend with BPD
1. If we ask you if youâre mad at us, or if youâre still friends with us, please realize that it is NOT a reflection of you. You didnât do anything wrong. Our illness is constantly telling us youâll leave us, or that you see us as burdens. Sometimes we need to hear confirmation from you to ease our anxiety. So please, please donât be upset with us.
2. Recognize that itâs hard for us to maintain contact with others, even our best friends. Again, our illnesses tell us that if you really want to spend time with us, youâll ask us. Weâre terrified that you just hang out with us out of pity. So when you text us first or ask us to hang out first, thatâs proof to us that you actually want to see us.
3. Text us every once in a while. Little gestures like that remind us that you still consider us your friends. And receiving a message like that, even if itâs something simple like a silly anecdote, really makes our day.
4. Understand that our mood swings are very difficult to manage. Even when we know it doesnât logically make sense for us to be depressed/anxious/angry/etc about something, we canât control our emotions, no matter how hard we try. Trying to use logic to show that our emotions are irrational doesnât help. So be patient with us, while recognizing that you arenât responsible for managing our emotions.
5. Sometimes we decide to take breaks from drinking, so please keep that in mind before asking us to drink. Alcohol can worsen our symptoms if we drink too much, especially when we relapse. I only drink if I feel itâs safe for me to do so. But sometimes I wonât drink for months because Iâm not doing well and I know alcohol will only make it worse. If I tell you Iâm not drinking for personal reasons because Iâm struggling with my illness, please donât forget that and definitely donât pressure me.
6. Help us set boundaries with you. Sometimes Iâll be clingy and want your attention all the time. Other times Iâll be distant and need space from everyone. These changes might be confusing for you because they happen without reason. Be honest with us and let us know if weâre too far on either extreme.
7. For reasons I donât completely understand, a lot of us with BPD hate being touched. This is also true for some survivors of sexual assault or abuse, and a lot of people with BPD have been sexually assaulted or abused before. Ask us if itâs okay for you to put your arm around us or hug us, especially when weâre in distress.
8. If youâre making plans with mutual friends of ours but arenât inviting us, please donât talk about these plans in front of us. It may well be that you arenât inviting us because weâre busy and canât make it anyway, or you know we wonât enjoy the outing (for example, if youâre going to hike and we hate exercise of any kind). However, if youâre getting a group together of people we know and could hang out with, weâll feel especially isolated when we arenât invited. Weâre constantly looking for signs that our friends will abandon us, or donât want us around, or secretly hate us. Weâll wonder why we werenât invited, and this is especially triggering for us.
9. If we text you something that warrants a response (like a question or a personal issue), please do your best to text us back as soon as you can. When a friend doesnât reply, especially a friend who frequently checks their phone, I interpret this as evidence that Iâm worthless to them. It may well be that theyâre busy, or that they didnât receive the message, or that they just forgot to respond. Again, though I recognize that these are the most likely scenarios, I canât stop myself from feeling this is a sign that sheâs going to abandon me.Â
10. Not everyone with BPD will act out (like accusing you of abandoning us or starting an argument) or use manipulating behaviors, but some of us do. And we feel extremely bad about this. Right after we start an argument, we spiral into self-loathing about it. We know that acting out is bad. We donât actually want to hurt or manipulate you. We struggle with our overwhelming emotions and while we canât suppress these emotions, with help we CAN learn to express and manage them in healthy ways. And again, not everyone with BPD will act out. There are mentally healthy people who manipulate others and feel perfectly fine in doing so, and there are mentally ill people who act out under extreme distress, feel immensely guilty about it, and do what they can to stop these behaviors.
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