Just Living

I deleted all off my social media so this is where I vent.

[every-fckn-day]

[amerlcanapparel-deactivated2020]

when she says she doesn’t send nudes

[straighthater]

when guys objectify women and expect them to send nudes

[timelordpillbug]

when someone asks you about your nuclear plans for russia

[hikingnerd]

When Russia sends you nudes

[dr-thackery]

[dismantlerepaired]

[ilovepretzelrods]

[thegingerbalrog]

[onwardwall]

[miss-jaxon-flaxon-waxon]

#what the fuck happened here

[her-eyes-dared-me-with-danger]

This is my favorite post in all of tumblr

[kyloschuyler]

reminder that this post is now illegal in Russia

[tree-of-blue-squirrel]

reblog it, because Russia can´t

[maradaisykat]

Thanks Obama 

[shareaquote]

Before I fall in love again 1. I want us to be friends. Which means, I want to be able to eat my favourite cheese crust pizza with you, while having cheese all over my face and even in my hair, without feeling embarrassed or concerned about it. I want to be comfortable with you, I want to be okay about being messy, irritating, embarrassing, disgusting, petty while with you. Because I will be petty when I see my ex best friend post a happy picture and I will be messy during my finals and I will be embarrassing when I meet your parents for I suck at meeting parents. I want to be okay with being the way I am and the only way to be okay is to know that you’re okay with me being things other than beautiful, graceful and composed at all times. 2. I want to be able to have long and passionate conversations with you not just about existential things but also about what went wrong in the ending of that book and how kids are affected by media and how tomato basil combination always works. I want to have conversations where we may not always have the same views but our fundamental values always fall in place. I want to talk to you about the beauty of the stars but I also want to talk to you about the disgusting mentality behind certain societal norms. 3. I want to see how consistent your actions are with your words. I don’t want to fall for love letters or poems, for sweet Instagram captions or long birthday texts, I want to fall in love with you showing up on time and keeping your promises. 4. I want to take it slow. I want our story to work out in years, not months. I want to respect time and space this time. 5. I want to make sure I am not seeking love from you for the lack of love I have for myself. I want to make sure you aren’t a void I am filling in, you are not an alternative to the things I can’t give myself. I want to make sure you are not doing the same. 6. I want to work out with my insecurities and fears from the past. I don’t want to project them on you, I don’t want to subject you to the doubts, suspicion and anger I carry from the people I have known in the past. 7. Before I fall in love again, I want to make a mattress with you. Of understanding and respect and trust. So when we fall, it doesn’t hurt.

creatingnikki  (via shareaquote)

[every-fckn-day]

The otha day

[every-fckn-day]

Rolling

[every-fckn-day]

So it’s November 1st. It’s 4:17am. I did meth. I snorted meth a couple of hours ago. Actually many hours ago. And I can’t sleep & my pupils are out of this workd right now. I have school in the morning. I can’t sleep. I wish Naomi was here. I can’t believe I snorted meth. What the hell is wrong with me. This isn’t me. Never again. Just an experience.

[lyjerria]

walk away from toxic people before you lose yourself while trying to find the good in them

[justjames]

I am so tired of me

[adrenaline]

[thepersonalquotes]

[every-fckn-day]

I was shit October 1st 2017

[every-fckn-day]

I'm tripping

[every-fckn-day]

Soo last night September 21st & today is September 22nd. So last night I hung out with these 2 new guys & smoked so much & played HORSE like the basketball game. And I won. But these guys were so chill & like me. Like it was wicked chill all night & the one kids nana is adorable. But that's the thing. I can't get attached to friends. They don't stick around. Shit always happens. The one kid totally has a crush on me though. Well they both prolly do but still. I think I'm hanging out with them again tonight. I think.

[every-fckn-day]

To be totally honest I'm really craving adderall right now. Like the thought of just snorting my next line. I feel motivated. I love looking in the mirror & seeing my dilated pupils. I feel powerful. I feel in control. The faster I get this shrink the faster I can get my first prescription.

[c0smicinsignificance]

When I was eleven I stole my mom’s xanax Prescribed for anxiety Covered up as a solution for a pinched nerve No one told me the depth at which illness runs through my veins Too sensitive, too weak, too negative Anxious, depressed, paranoid– Terms never mentioned above a hushed whisper Sixth grade I swallowed pills that weren’t mine Surfed the internet on my iPod touch for different ways to deliver the chemicals When I was twelve I started snorting modafinal Lifted from my fathers medicine cabinet Too tired to handle with care Crushed between two spoons That year brought notebooks filled with masterpieces Written in languages I could not understand in the morning Thirteen brought study drugs My brothers adderall carrying me through an accelerated math program far beyond my capabilities The learning disabilities I was unaware of could not hold me down after a few blue lines At fourteen years old OxyContin was a lifeline to which I clung Surgery after surgery my mom was too busy recovering to manage her pills At school the vocab word of the week was insufflate Fifteen brought trauma as I led a pure life into my line of recreation She stole her mom’s pills too We took everything we could find Chasing a feeling she didn’t know and I couldn’t describe Sixteen brought weed and alcohol and Selling adderall in Spanish class To fund the steady stream of opioids and benzodiazepines I needed to keep my hands from shaking Heartbreak and new love came with seventeen A new love to share my passion with She blew lines of oxy off my ass on our first date And Rubbed the leftover powder on my gums Taught me to do blow off of CD’s in my driveway She carried a rolled-up dollar bill in her wallet Always ready for the next hit I loved her And she shattered me Eighteen ended the cycle and A new lover kept me high on marijuana High enough to let down my walls But not enough to stop the shaking Sharing bowls in the backseat of his car Blunt walks on the beach He hates when I tasted like cigarettes Antidepressants stimulants and downers With my name on them Rot on my nightstand As I try to make peace with an addiction recommended by a Psychiatrist

I don’t care if I’m damaged, honestly I think I’m just bored (via c0smicinsignificance)

[every-fckn-day]

So I just typed a lot & yet again Tumblr crashed. I was getting deep too. I talked about all the best friends I had growing up. Not many. Cheyenne, Kayla, Kyle, Summer, Alyssa, Brooke, Ryan, Julia. All gone. I slept with Alyssa's boyfriend. I flirted with summers boyfriend. I honestly don't know where Brooke and I went wrong. Somewhere a long time ago. But it's just like I'm so alone now. I'm sick of looking for friends. I just wish I could find someone who felt alone like me. Someone who likes to just sit in their room with the dum lights listening to Three Days Grace and smoke some bud. Someone who will listen to me just I do them. Someone who wont think anything I say is weird. Someone who will also come up with the weirdest shit. Someone who says the dumbest stuff. Is that to much? Like I just want a chill fucking friend.

[every-fckn-day]

So I'm wondering. Am I a whore? What is a whore? Is it bad? Well the correct definition for a whore is "a prostitute." A prostitute is "a person, in particular a woman, who engages in sexual activity for payment." So no. I wouldn't call myself a whore. What's wrong with sex? What's wrong with liking sex? I feel like it's a natural thing. I was once told people are like dogs. My ex boyfriends mother actually told me that one. We're animals. It's what we do. We fuck. What's wrong with that? People have been spreading a lot of things about me. All the rumors are leading to me being a whore. People say I sleep around. Do I? I've have sex with 10 different guys. Is that a lot? What's considered a lot? What's to many? I have no idea. I'm only 17. I lost my virginity at 14. On Valentine's Day. To a guy at the time I thought was the love of my life. I don't exactly regret anyone I've ever slept with. There's some I wish never happened. Only 1. Marcus. It happened twice. I was drunk both times. I barley remember them. I know they happened though. Anyway. Is any of this wrong? Am I bad? Will I go to hell? I have no fucking clue.