LET'S GET WEIRD

I write. Cheers to my everyday existence. CHINX | 26 | MNL Likes to run under the influence and wait for the waves to crash the shore. Enjoys train rides, walking around the metro and watching jellyfishes. Reads books, watches movies and takes photos on...

[everydaychinx]

Same shit, different year.

30. I’m now officially in my thirties and I might be in the fields, but not completely out of the woods yet. I have chosen to take my own advice and try to go about this life’s journey with myself. I am glad to report that it is going well. I cannot complain too much as I have been surrounded by supportive people. I live alone, I get to pay for my bills and I’ve got a good job. I checked out all the boxes for the adult starter pack.

And yes, it’s still fucking shitty. I still feel fucking shitty about 70% of the time, making it seem like I’m an ungrateful motherfucker. Maybe I am. But it’s most likely that, I would always just feel like shit. regardless of the year, regardless if I’m successful or not. I’m always gonna feel like the world is falling and I am in this endless loop of a downward spiral as the darkness inside of me spirals out and try to take over my life again. 

The only benefit of getting older is that, eventually I get to distinguish and act better. Approach this impending doom with a better understanding. The pain never leaves. It’s a constant heart break. 

But the best part is knowing that this too shall pass. It passes. It takes its time but it passes. It somehow gets better. It’s like an endless game of trying to one-up the crippling sadness that is just always looming over. 

It gets better, just not today.

[everydaychinx]

Date Yourself.

There is nothing wrong with seating in a bar, all alone and unaccompanied. Or I dare say that because I am guilty of having one too many of those instances. 

[everydaychinx]

Too many road, too many turns yet they're all one way.

I'm travelling the city of life with too many one way streets. I've been subjected to turns that lead me forward yet, alone. As Kimbra's song title goes "Love is a two-way street" if that is the case then I have never been in love. That street I can't seem to locate with my magical map. And I call myself good with directions.

[everydaychinx]

A hopeless romantic in douche clothing.

I've said it a thousand times and I've done my share of misadventures. I've grown to believe that I am not the marrying type, nor the falling in love type. And I know most would like to contradict my stance on love, relationships and marriage and how most would like to see me eat up my own words of disbelief in love. Yet by far, I know I'm the most hopeless romantic person I know, personally. 

I'd like to keep things separate. Love is different from lust and my advances on certain people does not mean I would like to spend eternity with them. Most of the time, I don't even want to see them the next day, or ever again. I'd admit that I do give in to my urges and those have left me with stories both funny and embarrassing but hilarious nonetheless. I've had my share of wins and loses, triumphs and disasters. I've made such a comfort zone on these circumstances that even though they play out danger I find solace in it. I run back to the chaos I have made for myself, for the past years. I have succumb to the comfort that it is all in passing.

I never really allowed myself to explore emotionally. Moreover, explore a possibility of having a next day or a next time. I've closed of a part of myself and focused on getting what I wanted, always what I wanted. I am and have been a selfish bitch in that sense. I have been a douche to the men I have shared a bed with, a scandal to people who do not know me and a needy friend to the ones I love the most.

I have forgotten how to stand on my own feet. I seem to have lost a big part of me.  I try my best to avoid it, avoid confronting it for the fear that I might have nothing else to hold on to. 

[everydaychinx]

[everydaychinx]

They say, life goes on, but maybe, just maybe, I want to stay here a little longer.

[everydaychinx]

At a loss, she stood there. At a loss. She did not quite expect the shores to betray her just yet. She wasn’t quite sure if the tide has indeed come in. She stood there, staring blankly ahead, watching the horizon as it blends with the darkening sky. She was there and to her side an empty space. She tried to put her hand out, half expecting a hand to reach. A meek attempt to feel less alone.

As the water comes closer to her feet, the cold it brought and the warmth it took. She kept still. She kept silent. She kept on staring ahead – waiting, wondering. With a heavy heart, she quite knew what she lost. The empty space beside her remained empty. She was grasping air with her hands.

She stood there, at a loss. A complete chaos in her head.

[everydaychinx]

We've all been wounded, scarred, hurt, betrayed and broken. We've grown up in a time of irony. We like to play it safe yet we go all in. we are scared yet we are brave. We feel but we never disclose. We live in a time where we believe anything can happen. There's an abundance of resources and a million ways to get one thing done.

Everything at our fingertips. We are all so connected, thank you internet. But there is a disconnect, an error in this wide spread. So much lost in translation, so much kept from what is real. 

[everydaychinx]

I look at other people's fat photos to make myself a bit better about my weight insecurities.

[everydaychinx]

The Neighbourhood - Sweater Weather

[everydaychinx]

space beside my bed this night its you I think to hug me tight when you cross a mind's delight it is you that keeps up all night

[everydaychinx]

Bastille cover Miley Cyrus' We Can't Stop in the Live Lounge

[everydaychinx]

'Cause every now and then I fall a bit behind Every time I stare into your eyes

[everydaychinx]

One day, in an alternate universe

Pretty lights like the have on those mexican stalls, or lights in mason jars, just because. A white pavilion in the middle of a private beach. Smiles. smiles and a bit more.

wait. let's stop there.

[everydaychinx]

I find the need to write but what is there to write about? Most of my opinions just feel like invalid rants.

[everydaychinx]

I've read too much of these "date a girl/woman/man/boy who" articles. They seem to portray someone so far different from me and frankly, it's a bit depressing. Does it mean that I do not deserve to be treated like a princess at times or be taken out on a date or just be loved? Because I am not a girl who waits, who travels, who reads, who cooks and what not.

I'm the female that drinks a bit too much at times, escapes the city whenever she can, has no legit life plan and does not wait. I admit that I also get a bit crazy, that I have so many flaws and I am obviously not perfect. I'm damaged, used and let's just throw it in the mix that I am sexually active. I am nothing close to the idea of the perfect partner. I have issues and honestly, don't we all?

I could fool you for a girl who reads. I do like books, and I go gaga on book sales. I can quote you Murakami or any other author, but that's because I have the GoodReads app on my phone. I've read a number of books, I've had one of the biggest book collection among my peers, but I do not consider myself as simply as the girl who reads.

I could also fool you for a girl who travels. I've made it to a point to flood my instagram of #travel photos. But really, there are so much more of this world I have to see. There's so many more things to do and accomplish before I can say I am a person who travels. Mostly, I just take multiple vacations in a year. In truth, I am not a traveller. I am an escapist.

I could also be one of those girls who cook, but really I just slop anything I find in the fridge and make it work and call it a gastronomic adventure. I like to eat and I spend my money on food and these artisan and hip restaurants you see featured in pepper.ph. So okay, maybe I am a bit of a foodie hipster.

I could be those but I am not a woman who waits. I am impatient and broken and I for one, live in the real world. Does it mean that I do not deserve anything less than wonderful? Because I didn't wait. I took my chances and I've gone for what I wanted.

Am I less of a person for being such?

The thing with these articles is that it has idealized a person, placed men and women in boxes. We start falling in love with ideas and notions of someone not necessarily that person. Even before we take a step forward, we've placed a barrier. We do not take chances because in our heads we've got it all figured out. 

Fall in love with someone, take chances. 

You do not have to date a man or woman who does this and that. DATE A MAN or A WOMAN. Get to know them, see the world through their eyes, live a day in their lives and welcome them to yours. Be vulnerable... if it doesn't work out, keep your head up. Because being broken is a wonderful thing. It allows you to feel and see life as it is. You become better. 

Keep it real, be honest and stop with the judging, everyone deserves to be loved and treated right. Do not place people, especially your future potential partner in a box, love them for being them not because the idea of them seem to please you.

sigh. fuckin hipster generation.

/end of rant

[everydaychinx]

ATM

I do not understand how people take forever in front of the ATM. It's not like they're trying to pay for plane tickets, bills or activating their online accounts. More so, it's not like they're taking out more than 10,000 pesos. My grandma can withdraw faster than that.