She’s the steady hand in the storm. He’s the doctor she’s always believed in. Five years of friendship. Five years of unspoken feelings.
In the chaos of County General, Genevieve “Evie” Monroe has learned to heal everyone but herself—especially when it comes to her best friend, John Carter. Everyone sees it but them: the laughter, the longing, the undeniable pull. One chance could change everything… but will they risk their friendship for love?
MASTERLIST (Main Masterlist for first part of story)
My harsh whisper stopped Carter in his tracks. He looked up from the red wrapping paper, his eyes darting between myself and the bassinet beside our bed. “She’s still asleep.” He argued, seeing Brianna still breathing calmly and steadily in the bassinet she looked still too small to be in, even for seven months.
“Yes..... for now.” I said back. “I told you to go slow so we could be quieter. If your turbo wrapping skills wake up Brianna, or God forbid Meghan, I will never speak to you again.”
Carter rolled his eyes, but I could tell by his steadier movements, he was at least trying to be quieter. Typically, we would not be wrapping Christmas presents this late in the game. Or at least.... I wouldn’t be wrapping presents. But with all of the changes that had been happening lately with both girls and everything going on with me, I left shopping until pretty close to the last minute. Now, Carter and I were sitting in our room in the dark at 3 AM on Christmas Eve because Carter had a night shift today and wouldn’t be back home until Meghan was opening presents from Santa on Christmas morning.
A soft, adorable little cry came from the bassinet, causing us to both freeze again. We held still, waiting to see if it was just a fluke and Brianna would soothe herself and go back to sleep. But we had apparently run out of our luck for tonight and her little cry only got louder. Carefully, I got up from the wrapping paper pile and went over to the bassinet to pick her up. She settled some in my arms, but by the way she moving her head, I knew what she was looking for. I joined Carter back on the ground and pulled my shirt aside, Brianna latching quickly. I leaned my back against the bed and just watched Carter. His eyes flicked up to me again and he let out a soft chuckle.
“What?” I asked, scoffing.
“If someone would have told me ten years ago that I would be spending Christmas Eve morning sneakily wrapping presents with my wife for our four year old and baby, I would have laughed in their face.”
I couldn’t help but chuckle. “You were a different man back then.”
“I sure was.” He paused a moment and looked at me, this time a very content look crossing his face. “I like this version of me better.”
My heart clenched at that. I continued to nurse Brianna as Carter finished up the gifts. Wrapping paper crinkled, tape tore, and Brianna’s soft suckles filled the air. I would wait to do the stockings until I set out the gifts from “Santa” that night, so once Brianna was finished, Carter took her as I cleaned up, changing her diaper and getting her back to sleep in the bassinet. Crawling into bed with him felt so good, especially when I pressed myself close to his chest.
Carter chuckled. “Feeling a little extra cuddly tonight?”
“Yeah.” I paused a moment and nuzzled my head into his chest. “I guess I’m just a little sad.”
“Sad? It’s Christmas Eve.”
“Yeah, but Brianna’s first Christmas. And you have to spend most of it at the hospital.”
Carter sighed and wrapped his arms tighter around me. “I know. But we’ll do some stuff today before I go in. And after this night shift I’ve got the next two days off. The girls will barely miss me. They’ll be asleep most of the time.”
“I think you have too much faith in our children.” I scoffed. Carter chuckled again and nuzzled his cheek into my hair.
“Then we better get ourselves to sleep. Right, Mrs. Claus?”
“I believe we should Mr. Claus.”
Carter and I were able to get maybe two more hours of sleep before Meghan woke up and came running wide awake into our room. Her hair was sticking up in all different directions and the Christmas pajamas I had put her in the night before were wrinkled, both evidence of how rough of a sleeper she was. As I sat up in bed, stretching out my still tired limps, Meghan went straight to the bassinet. She grabbed the top edge and pressed her face against the mesh on the side.
“Morning sissy!” She cheerfully exclaimed. She had started doing this every morning whether she woke up before us or not. It was always a ‘good morning, sissy’, typically followed by a one sided conversation about her dreams last night. Sometimes Brianna would reply with some kind of adorable baby noise and it would make Meghan’s morning. “It’s Christmas Bree!” She exclaimed again, jumping up and down with excitement.
“Christmas Eve, baby girl.” Carter groaned, still lying on his stomach like he was still trying to go back to sleep.
“And Santa is coming!” Meghan added. “Mommy, I need to tell Bree about Santa!”
“I think you told her a lot all about him all this week.” I chuckled, standing and grabbing Brianna from the bassinet so she could join us in bed.
“Santa! Santa! Santa!” Meghan exclaimed. She climbed into the bed with us, bouncing up and down by Carter before hitting his shoulder a few times.
Carter groaned. “It’s too early for all this energy.”
“Daddy wake up!” Meghan hit his shoulder again. I chuckled as I got Brianna adjusted to nurse again. “Daddy!” She yelled and pushed him again. That’s when Carter popped up and pulled her into his arms. Meghan started laughing as Carter tickled her and “attacked” her with kisses. The two of them continued to laugh from the center of the bed, distracting Brianna a little bit as she tried to nurse.
Holidays when you really don’t have any family can be harder some years more than others. Some years you just want to stay home and forget about the day. That's what it felt like for Carter and I a lot before our relationship started. But ever since we had Meghan, Carter tried his best to make sure every holiday was the best one yet. That included starting our own Carter Family traditions.
The morning always started with pancakes. While pancakes in our household were a pretty regular occurrence, there was something a little more special about today. The way Carter would patiently let Meghan “help” him cook. The way he indulged her when she begged for “just a couple more chips, please daddy”, referring to the tiny chocolate morsels he sprinkled into the batter. I just watched from my spot at the dining table, Brianna seated in her high chair as she lightly batted at the lacy fringe on the sleeve of the Christmas outfit Meghan insisted we put her in before we came downstairs. I thought back to what Carter had said just a few hours earlier as we wrapped the gifts now hidden in my closet: if someone had told me years ago this is where I would have ended up, I wouldn’t have believed them. But I was damn happy to have it now.
Finishing up my coffee, I set down the mug just as Meghan came running into the dining room, bored with cooking now that her father had to take over because of the stove. “Mommy, can we watch Muppets? Or the Grinch?”
“Sure sweetie.” I smiled. “We want to make sure Brianna gets introduced to all of the Christmas classics.”
Meghan started jumping up and down. “Yes! Sissy, you’ll love the Muppets!” She exclaimed as she took Brianna’s hand and moved it side to side. “There’s Gonzo and Kermit and Miss Piggy and Fozzie Bear!”
I heard Carter scoff as he shook his head. I looked up as he continued to flip pancakes. “We shouldn’t have sent her to pre-school.” He laughed. “She’s too smart for her own good.”
“You were bound to be outsmarted in your own house at some point. You do live with all girls.” I chuckled and stood, letting Meghan run ahead of me. In the living room, I set Brianna down on the floor and she immediately rolled onto her back. She brought her legs up and began trying to pull her socks off. Meghan was laughing at her and talking to her. I guess when my back was turned as I was setting up the DVD player, she managed to pull one off. Meghan called her a silly girl and put the sock right back on her foot, making my heart melt.
Breakfast was eaten at the coffee table this morning, Brianna even enjoying a couple tiny pieces of a plain, fluffy pancake. We watched the Muppets Christmas Carol, which Meghan was enraptured in. But we only got through about fifteen minutes of the Grinch before both girls fell asleep, contact naps, Meghan on Carter’s chest and Brianna on mine. The funniest part was Carter to fell asleep not long after both girls went down. And honestly, I kind of enjoyed just sitting there, watching them all sleep as the cartoon played in the background.
After nap time, we cleaned up breakfast just in time to make lunch. We mainly just snacked, spending some time lying under the Christmas tree, before deciding to finally all change out of our pajamas. When Brianna went down for her second nap of the day, Meghan, Carter, and I worked on cookies for Santa. It was a new tradition we wanted to start with Meghan now that she could help a little bit better and was actively into all the Santa stuff. Some of my favorite memories with my mom were decorating Christmas cookies together and Carter remembered doing it once with a nanny. It seemed like a fun thing to try. And it was fun, if not very messy too.
“Now Meghan, you be really good for your mom tonight and Santa will make sure to stop here before he goes back to the North Pole.” Carter was knelt by the front door, coat on and bag over his shoulder to head into the hospital.
“But you won’t be here Daddy.” Meghan whined, grabbing the collar of his jacket.
“I know Bug. But hey, I will be back tomorrow morning before you get up to open presents.”
“You promise?” She pouted.
“I promise. I wouldn’t miss it for the world.” Carter brought her in for a big, tight hug, before kissing the top of her head and standing. He walked over to me, Brianna in my arms. “You be good to peanut.” He told Brianna before giving her a kiss too. He stepped forward and whispered in my ear, “Good luck tonight”, before giving one final kiss to my cheek and heading for the door.
“Merry Christmas you guys.”
“Merry Christmas Daddy!”
“Mommy.”
You’d think that I would be used to being suddenly awaken by one of my children by now, but you would be wrong. I couldn’t have been asleep more than thirty minutes if that. After Brianna’s last feed and diaper change, I had snuck my way downstairs and played Santa Claus, making sure the gifts we had wrapped in red paper were positioned just so right underneath the tree, and the stockings were filled. It had made my heart squeeze a little when I went to grab the stocking stuffers out of my closet, and I found my stocking full and lying against the stuff, filled with little things Carter had picked out. Everything had looked perfect downstairs and the Christmas cookies we made earlier had actually been a welcome midnight snack. After checking that both girls were still asleep, I bundled myself up in bed, pulling Carter’s pillow close to my chest so I could have him as I drifted off.
And then I felt the small finger poke my back.
“Mommy.”
“Jesus!” I couldn’t help but exclaim as I sat up in bed. My vision focused and I found Meghan standing by the bed, looking up at me. I rubbed my eyes and turned to the nightstand. 2:05. Well, I guess I’d actually been asleep closer to an hour and a half. I leaned forward and helped Meghan climb into the bed, the two of us lying back down together.
“What’s wrong, sweetie?” I asked groggily, brushing hair from her face. “Did you have a bad dream?”
“I woke up and couldn’t go back to sleep.”
“Why not?”
“I wish Daddy was here.”
I swallowed harshly and pulled her closer to my chest. “I know sweetie. Me too.”
“It’s Christmas and he’s at the stinky hospital.”
Now that made me chuckle. “Yeah sweetie, he is. But I’m here. And so is Bree. Remember your dad said he’d be home to in morning just in time for you to open presents.”
“Can we go see him?”
That made me pause. “What?”
“Daddy shouldn’t be away for Christmas. I want to go to the hospital and see him.” She craned her little neck up to look at me. “Please.”
Every logical part of my brain said no. It was two in the morning. It was freezing outside. Both girls, especially Brianna, didn’t need to be out in this weather. But then another part of me, the part that also missed my husband fiercely, understood what Meghan needed. She had gone through months of her family being apart, and on the day of the year where being together was a given, we weren’t.
I squeezed her tightly and kissed the top of her head. “Sure, baby. We’ll go see your dad.”
Both girls had two, almost three layers on by the time we were all in the car and pulling out of the driveway. They each dozed off in their car seats as the car heater blasted. Meghan had been so excited to go see Carter that she hadn’t even thought to run into the living room. So thankfully, we would still have Santa’s visit to look forward to when we all got home. And I was even more grateful that neither girl got fussy as I pulled them from the car in the parking garage so we could head inside. I saw the vans outside that must be busing the homeless and knew we needed to head in another way if I wanted to avoid the crowds. As soon as the elevator dinged for the ER and the doors opened, of course Meghan had to see something that confused her.
“Is that Santa?!” She asked, pointing to the man stumbling back towards a gurney. I could see the staples shining off his head thanks to the fluorescent lights. I sighed and shook my head.
“Uh, no, sweetheart. That’s not Santa. That’s...... that’s one of his helpers.”
“What are you guys doing here?”
“Auntie Abby!”
Thank God for Abby and her perfect timing. Meghan let go of my hand and ran towards the desk, getting scooped up by the intern as I pushed the stroller over. Brianna was still somehow sleeping soundly inside. Maybe these kids’ sleep really did thrive in the ER. “We came to see Daddy.” Meghan explained as Abby sat her on the counter and she began playing with the woman’s stethoscope.
“You did, huh?” Abby asked, looking at me and raising an eyebrow.
I shrugged. “It’s Christmas. Family is supposed to be together on Christmas.”
“Well, I can’t argue with that.” Abby replied. She took off her stethoscope and put it around Meghan’s neck before returning her to the ground. “Okay, let me see this baby.” She said as she walked around the stroller. I carefully pushed up the visor and I could see Abby physically melt a little bit. “She gets bigger every time I see her. How is she?”
“Doing great.”
“Sissy can roll over.” Meghan added, trying to pull herself up to peer into the stroller too.”
“She can? You must have taught her that, huh?” She turned to me. “She crawling yet?”
“She’s trying to. She can almost stay sat up completely on her own, which is cool. And she likes to push herself up by her arms. She also is very talkative when she’s not passed out.” I chuckled, motioning to how deeply passed out and oblivious Brianna was to where she was right now.
“Dialysis for patient Sanders?” We both looked up at the man standing off to the side with the big machine.
“Do you want me to—”
“No, no. I got. Thank you.” Abby said, stopping the bearded, tired looking man leaning against the desk. She looked down at Meghan before giving her a kiss on the head. “See you in a little bit Meggy. Duty calls.” She gently squeezed my arm before leaving.
“Do you know where Dr. Carter is?” I asked the man. He let out a quick yawn before standing up straight.
“I think he was down in sutures.”
“Thanks. Come on Meghan.” I took my daughter’s hand and started leading her and the stroller down the hall. Sure enough, through the open blinds, I could see my husband in the room. Carter was sitting on a stool and Chuny was standing next to a male patient with some kind of hand injury. As Carter started taping the hand, Chuny looked up and smiled at me. I picked Meghan up, letting her wave at the woman. Chuny waved back before saying something to Carter. He quickly turned his head and Meghan got so excited when she realized it was him.
“Daddy! Daddy!” She exclaimed. Carter quickly said something to Chuny, before standing and joining us in the hall. Meghan practically flung herself at him before the door to the room even closed.
“What are you guys doing here?” He asked, letting out a shocked breath when Meghan wrapped her arms tightly around his neck. “Is everything okay?”
“No Daddy." Meghan said fiercely. "You can’t be alone on Christmas. It’s not fair.”
Carter chuckled and secured his arms around Meghan before looking at me. “She must have been very convincing to get you out of the house so late.”
“I honestly couldn’t argue with her logic.” I reached forward and cupped his cheek with my hand. “We both really missed you.” A sudden squeak caused us both to laugh as we looked down at Brianna. “Sorry baby girl. The three of us missed you.”
Somehow, Meghan overheard Neela and Abby talking about giving out gifts to the homeless kids stuck in the ER, and before I knew it, my little girl was also getting the chance to play Santa in the wee morning hours. And boy, did she take her job seriously. She followed close behind the two of them, handing the gifts to the parents when the child was asleep. In the same spirit, I parked the empty stroller in the lounge and helped Wendell pass out pillows and blankets while Carter sat at the desk, watching over everything as he fed Brianna a bottle and gently cooed at her.
After a very brief moment of playing in the snow that was now falling, our family had ended up bundled together in the lounge. Brianna had woken up and I was currently nursing her again, while Meghan was back to sleeping on Carter’s chest, the bunny she’d brought from home tucked tightly in her arm. Carter gently brushed his fingers through her hair and I watched as he just stared at Meghan in the most content way.
“What’s that look for?” I asked, moving Brianna over to the other side.
“Nothing.” He shrugged. “I just..... I just think we’re raising a pretty damn good kid.” He looked up at Brianna. “Kids.”
I smiled. Meghan had been so excited to help Abby and Neela, even making sure they had ribbons for all the presents so the kids could feel special. “Yeah, I think we are.”
Carter leaned over and I immediately knew what he wanted, our lips meeting. “Thank you for bringing them in tonight. It’s definitely not the Christmas I thought we would have......”
“Yeah, but it makes sense for us.” I finished for him.
He nodded. “Have you thought about when you want to come back to work?” I sighed and laid my head down on his shoulder. It had been just over six months since I’d worked a shift at County. “I mean, you don’t have to come back if you don’t want too. You can stay home with the girls if you want to. I don’t mind.”
“No, I want to come back. I appreciate women who do it, but I couldn’t completely be a stay at home mom.” I paused and ran my thumb over Brianna’s arm as she continued to nurse. “I don’t know if I want Brianna in a daycare right now though. Especially with it being cold and flu season.”
“Of course not.” Carter agreed and kissed the top of Meghan’s head. “But, I mean, we could hire a nanny again. Maybe just part time to help with Brianna. Maybe help get Meghan to school. Hey, I could even see if Corrine wants to come back.”
“She was really good with Meghan. But I thought she retired.”
“People can be tempted with the right situation.” I chuckled again and kissed his shoulder before he kissed the top of my head this time. “Hey Evie.”
The first night home with Brianna didn’t feel real. We were just so excited to finally have her home after so many agonizing months of waiting. We ordered pizza, we watched a movie, and just kept our family in one little bubble all to ourselves. Meghan stayed really close to Brianna all that night, never really taking her hand off of her little sister. I think she couldn’t believe that Brianna was actually here with us rather than away in the NICU where she wasn’t allowed. Like if she let go, she would disappear again. It was honestly one of the best nights as a family we had ever had.
Reality hit rather quickly after that.
When Meghan was a newborn, I used to crave the rare moments when I would get a minute or two of silence to myself. While Meghan wasn’t a super fussy baby, there were still moments, especially after Carter’s attack, that things would just become so overwhelming and overstimulating that I would feel my body physically relax whenever the apartment and then the mansion would go silent. It used to make me feel so extremely guilty that I wanted those moments; that I wanted that quiet. Like I was supposed to be built to handle all of this and make it through, especially given my job.
Now with Brianna, the quiet was the thing that caused me the most stress. During the day, Brianna spent a lot of her time contact napping. She would just lay on my chest most of the time, or Carter’s when he wasn’t on shift. That was easy and reassuring, feeling her soft little breaths against my neck. If she was sleeping on one of us it meant that we could tell that she hadn’t had an apnea spell or forgotten all of the things we worked so hard on to get out of the NICU. Days meant safety and comfort.
Nights were a whole other story. While I was supposed to be getting whatever rest I could before Brianna inevitably woke up to be nursed, I found the mere thought of closing my eyes left me absolutely petrified. There were no monitors here at home, no beeps or pulses filling the air. It was just the calm sounds of Brianna’s tiny breaths and Carter’s snores while I laid wide awake staring at the bassinet.
For all intents and purposes, Brianna was doing well. Some might even say she was thriving despite her very traumatic beginning. But that still didn’t reassure me enough to not lie there staring at her, waiting for something horrible to happen.
I don’t know exactly what the sound was, just that she had made one. I had been in the dozing state that I had been in the last couple of days, so my ears were still attuned to everything. Careful to not wake Carter, I pushed the covers back and reached into the bassinet, scooping Brianna up and bringing her to my chest. I did my normal checks on her, starting first with making sure she was still breathing. It startled her a little bit when I first picked her up, but she quickly settled and went back asleep with her sweet face tucked into my neck. It allowed me to feel her breathe.
Letting out a sigh of relief, I sat back down on the edge of the bed harder than I wanted. I started rubbing small circles on Brianna’s back, rocking her back and forth like I did in the NICU. She’s okay. Everything’s okay. I tried to tell myself. She’s okay now. Brianna is breathing.
“Evie?”
I jumped slightly at the sleepy voice before turning around. Carter slowly sat up in bed, his eyes still partially closed as her tried to wake up. “Sorry.” I whispered, still rubbing Brianna’s back. “I didn’t meant to wake you up.”
“Is Brianna okay?”
“Yeah. Yeah, she’s fine.” I shook my head and turned back towards the bassinet. I nuzzled the top of Brianna’s little head and felt the bed shift behind me.
“Evie..... baby..... what’s wrong?” I felt Carter’s weight completely leave the bed as he walked over beside me.
“Nothing’s wrong.” I shrugged.
Carter sat down beside me and I could just feel him looking at me. Could even see him out of the corner of my eye. However, I still felt myself flinch involuntarily when he reached his hand towards my face. “Evie....” Carter sighed. He slowly tried again, and this time he cupped my cheek with his hand. I didn’t have any choice but to look at him as he stroked my face with his thumb. “Evie.... have you been sleeping?”
“I’m fine.”
“Honey, no you’re not. You-You look exhausted. When was the last time you slept more than a couple minutes?”
“I need to stay alert.”
“You need to sleep.”
“What if something happens?” Even I could hear how sharply my voice cracked. “I-I need to watch her.” My hold got tighter on Brianna. I can’t lose her. Not now. Not after every fucking thing we’ve been through.
“Well..... how about I watch her for a bit. Just so you can get a little sleep.” Carter said carefully. “Would that be okay?”
For a moment, I didn’t really say or do anything, just looked down at Brianna, still so calmly asleep. Then I looked back up at Carter. Maybe..... maybe it would be okay. “Maybe..... just for a little bit.” I finally said.
“No problem sweetie.” He said, smiling at me. He gently reached for Brianna and brought her towards his chest. She grunted and I started to reach back, but Carter shook his head. “It’s alright.” He cooed. “You just got to get comfortable again, don’t you?” He kissed the side of her head and started rubbing circles on her back just like I had. He noticed me watching. “I’ve got this babe. I promise.”
I looked at Brianna’s sweet little face and then back up to Carter’s one more time before finally relenting and crawling back into bed. Pulling the covers up around me, I watched as Carter stood and started pacing around the room with Brianna, a slight bounce to his step to keep her asleep. It was the last image in my head before my brain finally shut off fully for the first time in days.
Evie was exhausted.
Carter felt like the worst husband in the world that night after catching Evie not asleep and holding Bree like the baby would disappear if she didn’t. The rose colored glasses had been lifted from his face and he could actually see what had been going on right in front of him for days, if not weeks. Evie had not been sleeping. She was running their household on fumes and he could tell it was starting to catch up with her. He started noticing more things immediately.
Evie watched Brianna all the time. Not in the way you normally would with your baby. No, to Carter it seemed like Evie was watching her like she was waiting for something bad to happen. She checked her temperature ever few hours. Counted diapers like it was her job. One time, he even caught her holding her hand under Brianna’s nose. And that wasn’t all.
Germs were the bane of Evie’s existence. The enemy. The counters and tables were wiped down twice every time she did it. She wouldn’t let him feed Brianna from a bottle unless she had cleaned it herself. Brianna’s blankets were constantly washed and she didn’t let her put anything in her mouth when they started doing tummy time. That’s when Carter realized why Evie had been so adamant about Meghan not going back to daycare once Brianna was brought home. She already made Meghan wash her hands every time she wanted to play with her sister. Imagine what she would do if Meghan had been coming home from daycare every day. God, he felt so stupid.
He thought it was because of how obsessed Meghan was her new sister. She wanted to help with everything. Absolutely everything. She brought them diapers when the living room caddy ran out. She sang to her and “shared” her toys even when they were the same size as the baby. Carter had thought it had been so cute and the idea of not having her go to daycare seemed like a good one. Meghan could bond with her sister in the way she was supposed to before she headed to pre-school in August. But now he saw the truth: Evie didn’t want Meghan to bring home anything that could harm Brianna’s still developing, still fragile immune system.
Then the bathroom incident happened and Carter knew he had to do something.
It had been a long day at work. An emotional day at work. Carter had brought home take out, pizza, so that he could make things easier for not only himself, but Evie because she had been at home with the girls all day. Dinner had gone well, but when Carter went to give Meghan her bath, Brianna had gotten fussy and ended up cluster feeding for almost two hours. So he did bath and bedtime with Meghan by himself, which he didn’t mind. He’d done it plenty of times before. By the time he made it back upstairs to their room, Carter found Evie absolutely wiped with her shirt and bra completely off and Brianna suckling more for comfort now than nutrition.
“Hey, give her to me. Go take a shower and relax for a second.”
Evie didn’t even say anything, just handed Brianna over and slowly walked into the bathroom, shutting the door behind her slower than molasses. Carter went about getting Brianna back to sleep, rocking her slowly and giving her a pacifier that he wasn’t able to wash. He wouldn’t be telling Evie about that. He changed her diaper, zipped her into one of her sleep sacs, and rocked her until her eyes closed. Out like a light in no time at all. But it was long enough that the moment after Carter stood from placing her in the bassinet, he realized the water had never turned on in the bathroom.
“Evie?” He asked after softly knocking on the bathroom door. “Evie? Baby? Is everything okay?” Still no answer. He checked the knob and thankfully it was still unlocked. Opening the door, his heart broke at the sight in front of him. Evie was sitting on the closed toilet lid, wrapped in a towel, with her hair up in a clip. She was staring at the cabinets under the sink. Staring at nothing.
“Evie?” He said again, gently. She looked up slowly. Disoriented. “You need sleep.”
“I’m fine.” She said for what seemed like the hundredth time that week.
He sighed. “You’re not.”
Evie immediately shook her head. “No, I am. I just...... I just needed a second. I can stay on top of things.” She muttered. “I have to stay on top of things.”
“Evie.”
“If I miss something—”
“You won’t.”
“But what if I do?” Her voice made that same defeated, heart wrenching cracking sound it did that first night he caught her. “What if she stops breathing and I don’t notice? What if Meghan brings something home? What if she gets sick? What if—”
“She’s okay.” Carter tried to stay gentle, calm.
Then Evie laughed. Carter swore he had never heard that sound come out of his wife’s mouth. It was a dreadful little sound. No amusement. Just utter exhaustion and something else he couldn’t quite name. Something from her soul.
“You know how many times we thought that in the NICU?”
Carter didn’t know what to say to that because she was right. How many times had they exhaled only for another complication to happen? Another apnea spell. Another infection scare. Another failed CPAP trial. Another terrifying night.
Evie finally moved again, rubbing both of her hands over her face. “I can’t do it again.” She whispered. And that more than anything hit him hard. Evie hadn’t meant she was tired; that she was overwhelmed. She meant she couldn’t survive losing their daughter.
Carter got to her and crouched down on the ground, taking her hands in his. A few tears slipped down Evie’s cheeks. She still didn’t trust safety. Didn’t trust stability. Didn’t trust that this happy ending would actually stay happy. Carter cupped her cheek with his hand.
“We need help.” He said quietly.
That made her tense. “What?”
“You haven’t slept in weeks.”
“I’m a mom. Moms don’t sleep.”
“No. This is different.”
Her face crumpled again and more tears followed. “I’m scared all the time.” She whispered. “So scared.”
That made the tears finally started to fall down his own cheeks. Because he had been scared to, but just tried not to let it swallow him. He tried to focus on the good things that they were able to now have. Focus on how Brianna was starting to smile. Focus on the fact that she was starting to grow out of the preemie clothes they had gotten in a rush after she was born. The same focus that had made him miss what was happening in front of him to his wife.
Carter kissed the top of her head and then proceeded to help her shower and get ready for bed. When they were back in their bedroom, he tucked her into bed before crawling in behind her. She rested her hand inside of the bassinet, drawing small circles on Brianna’s moving chest. He wrapped his arm around Evie’s waist and pulled her close to him.
He was going to get his wife help. He had to get her help.
Carter made the appointment as soon as the office opened the next morning. Didn’t hesitate like he might have in the past. Just told the receptionist that he and his wife needed to get in as soon as possible and made an appointment for the end of the day. Evie had been in the kitchen as he spoke on the phone, scrubbing bottles and pumping parts while Brianna was asleep in the wrap on her chest. Meghan was coloring at the table, her snack spread out messily beside her. That’s when Carter noticed the way Meghan kept looking at her mother ever couple of strokes from her crayon. Had his four year old noticed something was wrong with her mother before he did?
He was eventually able to tell Evie about the appointment when he caught her changing Brianna’s diaper up in their bedroom. She hadn’t been downstairs much since breakfast. She hadn’t eaten much too, so Carter wanted to make sure she had some lunch and a shower before they headed out. Add one more thing to the list of reasons Carter had been a shitty husband lately: Evie hadn’t been taking care of herself like normal either.
“Hey babe.” He said gently, giving her a soft smile as he walked towards the bed. Brianna was wiggling around on the bed post diaper change, making a little squeaking noise. “Hi princess.” Carter chuckled and sat down beside her on the bed, rubbing her belly. “Do you feel better now?”
“You made an appointment.”
Carter looked up. It wasn’t a question. It was a statement. Evie. was still looking down at Brianna. “I did.” Carter confirmed. “For 3 o’clock. I..... I think we need it.”
Evie nodded slowly. “I need it.”
“Evie.....”
“What about Meghan?”
“We’ve taken her before. They said it was alright.”
“What about Brianna?”
“She can stay with us too. I know she’s been cluster feeding lately and Elaine said she didn’t mind if you had to nurse during the session.”
“What if something happens?”
“Baby, nothing is going to happen.”
“What if—“
“Evie.” Carter sighed, gently taking Evie’s hand and squeezing it. “Baby, you can’t keep living like this.”
“I’m taking care of our daughters.”
“I know.”
“I’m keeping them safe.”
“I know.”
“Then why do you keep acting like I’m doing something wrong?” Her voice cracked and the tears began to pool in her eyes. Carter shook his head and wrapped his arms around her, pulling her close.
“Oh Evie. You’re not doing anything wrong. Not at all. But...... but Evie...... I can tell you’re drowning. You’re my wife. You didn’t let me drown when I was not okay, and I’m not about to let you.” Evie grabbed onto Carter this time and held him tightly, her tears soaking his shirt. Carter could feel her shoulders were forced to relax simply due to the sheer exhaustion of letting everything out. “I know you’re scared. Scared to leave the house. Scared of something happening to her. But I really think we should go talk to someone. To Elaine.” He paused a second and stroked her hair. “Is that okay?”
It took a moment, but eventually, Evie did nod her head weakly against his shoulder. But when Carter looked down, her fingers were clutched tightly onto Brianna’s sleeper. Like if she loosened her grip for even a second, someone might try to take her away again.
The car ride to Elaine’s office was quiet. Not with tension, but fragility. The whole afternoon had felt fragile. It had taken some convincing, but before they left, Evie had attempted a very short nap and had taken a hot shower. It made her look better then she probably felt. Carter had let her handle getting Brianna ready, letting her count and recount items in the diaper bag, while he got Meghan together. Now his wife sat in the passenger seat, gripping the diaper bag and trying to discreetly look in the rearview mirror to check on Brianna in the back seat.
Carter noticed every single time.
“You okay?” He asked when they stopped at a red light. Evie nodded far too quickly for his liking. Carter sighed and nodded his head to, but still reached for her hand and tried to give it a reassuring squeeze. By the time they pulled up to the brick office building where Elaine’s office was housed, he could feel Evie’s hand had a slight tremor, which honestly was justified. This was the first time Evie had been out of the house since Brianna had come home from the NICU. This was a big step for her, and he was just proud she had made it this far.
Instead of bringing the stroller or even the car seat inside, Evie wore Brianna in the wrap on her chest. Just a little more reassurance that the baby was close and was okay. Thankfully the office waiting area was calm and empty when they arrived. Soft instrumental music and the easy lighting gave the room the cozy feel they were so incredibly used to by now. Carter could tell Evie had relaxed some when they entered the familiar space, but it still wasn’t completely to his liking.
He watched as Evie’s eyes still tracked everything. The receptionist at her desk. The sound of footsteps walking down the hall. Meghan fiddling with her coloring book, impatient to work on her picture. The tiny breaths coming from Brianna. Every noise seemed to set her on edge more than the last. Especially when the door to the office opened and Elaine appeared in the doorway with a smile.
“Well, there’s my favorite family.” Elaine said, walking up to the group as they stood from the couch.
“Hi Miss Elaine.” Meghan waved, picking up her things.
“Hi sweetheart.” Then her gaze moved to Brianna, still wrapped against Evie’s chest.
This was the first time she’d seen the baby outside of stories and pictures. “Oh.” Elaine breathed softly. “She’s beautiful.”
“Thank you.” Evie said, bouncing Brianna slightly. It was nice to hear someone say that after everything they’d gone through.
Elaine nodded and then looked at the whole family. “Why don’t you all come in and we can get started?”
Carter nodded, helped Meghan gather her things, and finally put a hand on the small of Evie’s back. The office looked just the same: same couch, same couple of chairs, same sweet smell. Carter set Meghan up at the table with her coloring book and stuffed bear before joining Evie on the couch. He looked over at Brianna and smiled when he saw she was still completely content in her wrap. It all felt familiar and safe. Once again, he saw Evie’s shoulders lower just a little more. They both knew this place. Elaine sat in her chair across from them, and for a moment, nobody spoke until she smiled at the two.
“So, you finally got to bring Brianna home. How has that been?”
The silence that followed answered before either of them did. Elaine waited patiently, her eyes slowly looking between Carter and Evie, before the man let out a shaky, hesitant sigh. “It started really good.”
Evie let out a shaky laugh, her voice cracking. “That sounds awful.”
“No.” Elaine gently argued. “It sounds honest.”
Evie looked down at Brianna and started rubbing small circles on her back, before taking a deep breath. It was now or never. If she couldn’t be honest here, where else could she be? “Once she got home, I thought everything would feel better.”
“And does it?” Elaine asked carefully.
Evie opened her mouth and then immediately closed it again. The shame immediately washed over her. “No.” She whispered. “I’m happy she’s home.” She added quickly. “God, I’m so happy. But I…” Her breathing wavered. “I can’t stop waiting for something bad to happen. I watch her breathe constantly.” She finally admitted out loud. “I barely sleep. Every sound she makes wakes me up. If she sleeps too long, I panic.”
“She’s checking her breathing all night.” Carter gently added, but Evie still looked down, almost like she was a child that had been caught doing something wrong. And Elaine noticed right away.
“Evie.” she said softly. “How often do you think about Brianna dying?” The question was blunt. Clinical. Gentle, but direct. Evie’s resolve still immediately crumpled and tears started falling down her cheeks.
“All the time.”
Elaine nodded slowly. “Thank you for saying that out loud.”
“I know it sounds insane.”
“No, it sounds like trauma.” That made Evie looked up. “You spent almost three months being taught that your baby could crash at any moment. That something could go wrong and she could be gone in an instant. Your nervous system adapted to that reality. It learned that hypervigilance kept her safe. And now, your body doesn’t know how to stop.”
“I’m tired.” Evie continued to sob. “I’m so tired.” Carter immediately wrapped an arm around her shoulders.
“Is that what feels hardest right now?”
“Yes.”
“She’s terrified to.” Carter added, remembering that first night he saw after she woke up and though something was wrong.
“When I sleep, I can’t watch her.”
“Evie, how long has it been since you’ve had uninterrupted sleep?”
Evie blinked, trying so hard to remember. “I…I don’t know.” And that answer alone said everything.
“Evie, surviving a NICU stay doesn’t just affect the baby.” Elaine started. “Parents can absolutely experience post-traumatic stress afterward. Especially mothers after traumatic births.” Elaine paused, thinking for a moment. “Evie..... can I ask you some more direct questions?” She nodded. “This isn’t me trying to label you or judge you. I just want to understand what’s happening for you.”
“Okay.” Evie replied, adjusting the wrap around Brianna.
“How often would you say you feel relaxed?”
“I don’t know. Maybe… maybe a little when she’s awake.”
“So then, how are you taking care of yourself throughout the day when she is or isn’t awake?”
“She isn’t.” Carter said quickly.
“I am.” Evie replied, looking defensive.
“Evie.”
“I shower.”
“How often are you eating full meals?” Elaine asked.
“Uh, typically at least dinner. I try and snack throughout the day. Drink water to keep my supply up.”
“And you said you don’t typically sleep when Brianna sleeps?”
“No.”
“Have you wanted to see friends? Family?”
“No.”
“Why?”
“I don’t…” She struggled to explain it. “I don’t want people touching her. Or holding her. Or bringing germs around her. And honestly….” Her voice got quieter. “I don’t really want to talk to anyone. When Carter said we were coming today, I was really apprehensive. I-I just feel safer inside.”
“Safe from what?”
And there it was again. That impossible question. Because logically, Evie knew how irrational some of this sounded. But emotionally...... emotionally it all felt very real. “I don’t know.” She admitted finally. She shrugged. “Everything.”
Elaine nodded and Carter’s grip on Evie’s hand tightened. “Evie, I want to explain something to you.” She paused. “You obviously know about postpartum depression, correct?” Evie nodded tiredly. “Well sometimes, PPD doesn’t always look like sadness. Sometimes postpartum depression presents more as anxiety. Hypervigilance. Obsessive thinking. Withdrawal. Sleep disturbance. Emotional numbness. Brain fog.” She paused a moment to give the two parents a chance to start to digest her words. “Sometimes, when someone spends months in survival mode, symptoms don’t fully emerge until the crisis is over. Delayed postpartum depression and postpartum anxiety can happen after NICU stays. Especially traumatic ones.”
“But-But I love her.” Evie stuttered, her anxiety building. Like she needed to defend herself.
Elaine’s face softened and she tried to give Evie a reassuring smile. “Oh, I know you do.”
“I don’t resent her.” Evie continued shakily, her eyes filling with tears again. “I don’t want to hurt her. I just…” She looked panicked suddenly. “I need her to be okay.”
“And your brain has decided the only way to guarantee that is to never fully relax.”
Elaine’s voice remained calm.
“It feels like if I stop paying attention for even one second…” Her voice cracked. “Something terrible will happen.”
“That’s anxiety and that’s exhaustion.” Elaine continued gently. “The withdrawal, the inability to rest, forgetting to care for yourself, difficulty concentrating...… those can absolutely overlap with postpartum depression.”
Evie looked stunned. Relieved even. Someone had finally translated what was happening inside her head into words she could understand. “They always told us that postpartum depression meant...… that you didn’t love your baby.”
Elaine immediately shook her head. “No. That’s only one possible presentation. But many mothers with postpartum mood disorders love their babies deeply. In fact, sometimes the fear of losing the baby becomes all-consuming.” Carter exhaled shakily beside her and that made Elaine turn toward him. “How are you doing in all of this?”
Carter blinked rapidly, not expecting to be asked anything. He was mainly here for moral support. “I’m worried about her.”
“What worries you most?”
“She disappears.” He admitted quietly.
“What do you mean by that?” Elaine asked.
“She’s physically there. Taking care of the girls. Feeding Brianna. Talking to Meghan. But mentally…..” He swallowed. “It feels like she’s still stuck in the NICU sometimes.”
“That’s also very common after medical trauma.”
“Mommy doesn’t smile as much.”
The room went still at the little voice that just pierced through the tension. Meghan hadn’t even looked up from her coloring as she said it. Like she’d just been listening the whole time, waiting for her moment to add to the conversation like she was a little adult. And it pierced straight into Evie’s heart.
“Oh sweetheart…” The tears started falling harder. Carter held her a little closer, knowing the fact that their four year old had keyed in on everything made her feel even worse. Evie quickly wiped her eyes, trying to calm down. “I don’t want my girls to remember me like this.”
“You won’t stay like this forever.” Elaine said calmly. “But you do need support. Real support. Rest. Continued therapy. And I would highly recommend evaluation for postpartum anxiety and depression through your PCP or your OB.” Evie nodded slowly. Still overwhelmed, but listening. “And most importantly, you need to give yourself some grace. The last year of your life has been so hard physically, emotionally, and mentally. It won’t fix itself overnight, but we will work to try and make you feel better again.”
By the time they left Elaine’s office, both Evie and Carter were emotionally wrung out. Meghan had fallen asleep on top of her coloring book, while Brianna continued to sleep tucked against Evie’s chest, completely unaware that her parents’ world had just shifted again. But for the first time in weeks, there was at least a direction they could go in. A name for what was happening.
So they decided to start simple. They made a schedule, one that specifically allowed Evie to sleep. Not “close your eyes while listening for breathing” sleep. Just true, real, deep sleep. Every night Carter didn’t have a night shift, he took over nighttime feedings, putting an air mattress in the nursery so Evie wouldn’t be disturbed. Because of that, Evie would pump more during the day so that she could at least get four or five hours of sleep in one uninterrupted stretch.
At first she hated it. Absolutely hated it. The first night, Carter had to physically push her from the nursery up to their bedroom. But it had worked. He had gone to check on her at one point and found her completely out, cuddling with Carter’s pillow and one of Brianna’s blankets. A couple of nights he even found Meghan in bed with Evie, her little face into Evie’s chest as they held each other tightly. Those nights were the ones she seemed to sleep the most.
Carter also made planned moments where Evie could practice some self-care. He made sure Meghan didn’t follow when she went to take a shower. He made sure to rub her back or feet when she seemed tense. He encouraged her to sit outside for a few minutes a day, enjoy the sun and the fresh air. Haleh started dropping off dinners twice a week “just because” along with her favorite desserts.
But then came the next really hard step.
To help with the still lingering anxiety with going out in public, they decided to meet with Dr. Coburn after they went to Brianna’s first pediatrician appointment out of the NICU. It actually felt kind of poetic. Mother and daughter both needing follow-up care after surviving something enormous. And of course, the morning started chaotically. Brianna wanted to cluster feed. Meghan couldn’t find her shoes. Evie changed outfits twice because nothing fit her body the same way anymore. And Carter hovered so obviously that even Meghan noticed.
“Daddy.” She whispered, gesturing for Carter to bend down beside her.
“Yes Bug.”
“You’re doing your worried face.”
Carter furrowed his brows. “I don’t have a worried face.”
“You do.”
“I do not.”
“Yes you do.” Evie jumped in, actually giving him a slight smile.
While there was definitely anxiety and worry going into this appointment, especially because they were coming back to County for the first time, Evie at least felt more informed and ready then when they had taken Meghan for her first appointment. They brought a small baby robe for Brianna so she wouldn’t be cold, but still free to be examined. Evie fed her again and they changed her diaper so she would stay comfortable. And despite everything, the appointment went really well.
Brianna weighed just over eight pounds now. Still tiny for nearly three months old, but growing beautifully for being so premature. The pediatrician listened carefully to her lungs, checked her oxygen saturation, examined her muscle tone, and smiled warmly, saying ,“She looks wonderful”, and causing Evie to tear up in relief. The doctor explained she would probably continue to stay on the smaller side for a while, but developmentally she was doing better then expected. Told them to keep doing what they were doing.
After Brianna’s appointment, they took the elevator up one floor to go see Coburn. The shift in Evie was immediate, going back to the tension she had somewhat lost at the pediatrician. “You okay?” Carter asked quietly as they walked towards the exam room.
Evie nodded automatically. But then she paused and actually shook her head. “I don’t want to do this.”
Carter reached over immediately, taking her hand. “I know.”
“I feel crazy.”
“You aren’t crazy. You’re asking for help.”
Carter held Brianna as Evie sat on the exam table. Meghan was down in the ER, excited to be following around Nana Haleh and Auntie Chuny until her parents were done. Pratt may have even shown her a couple things that most four year olds would be repulsed by. When the door finally opened, Dr. Coburn walked in, giving a small smile like normal. She checked over Evie’s vitals and then checked to see how her c-section scar was healing. And when she was done, she leaned against the counter and put her hands in her lab coat pockets.
“Well, physically you’re healing very well.” She paused a moment. “Dr. Duncan called me and we talked about some of the symptoms you’ve been experiencing. I’m glad you decided to come in. What you’re experiencing is not uncommon after a traumatic birth and prolonged NICU stay.”
“I don’t feel sad all the time.” Evie finally spoke. “I just feel…... scared. Constantly.”
“Postpartum depression and postpartum anxiety overlap a lot.”
The appointment ended up lasting longer than Evie thought it would. They went through all of Evie’s symptoms again. Talked about if she had ever thought about hurting herself or Brianna. Evie answered faster then she had in therapy, finding it easier since it wasn’t the first time admitting it out loud. Dr. Coburn agreed with the diagnosis Elaine had made of delayed PPD and they began discussing treatment. Therapy would continue at least once a week. She encouraged them to continue with the self-care routine they had begun. And then they talked about medication. That part scared Evie most.
“I don’t want to feel numb.”
“That’s not the goal. We want you to feel like yourself again. I am recommending a very low-dose SSRI. Something that is going to be compatible with breastfeeding. We’ll monitor how that affects you. I think at least something right now would be beneficial.” Coburn saw the look of fear in Evie’s face. “But you also don’t have to decide today.” She added gently. “Both of you are healthcare professionals. I know you can make an informed decision for yourself.”
That made the tension in Evie’s body release in a way that even she noticed. Someone outside of their family believed she was competent; trusted her judgement. Especially her judgement as a nurse. She hadn’t felt like that since before Brianna is born. And it was one of the first times Evie actually felt good.
Slowly but surely, as Evie started sleeping more and taking her meds and continuing therapy, she let other people back into their home and their lives.
Susan became the fellow mom to go to. Despite Evie having four more years of experience as a mother, Susan became one of her go to’s for every possible questions about Brianna’s health and well-being. They talked about feeding schedules and late night diaper changes. They talked about sore chests and mom guilt. Susan gave Evie a chance to talk about the woos of being a mother without judgement or shame.
Abby was the exact opposite. She was Evie’s chance to talk about something other than her kids. Abby kept Evie up to date on all of the latest County’s gossip, because old nurse habits die hard. New interns were discussed in detail, as well as things like Morris’ latest fumble and the person currently annoying Pratt the most. Apparently, there was also a new med student that seemed to have a crush on Abby, which Evie took particular interest in. And from the look on Abby’s face, Evie could tell that the feelings might have been mutual.
Other people like Luka, Sam, Haleh, Chuny, all rotated through the Carter house at some point over the next couple of months. For some it was the first time they had met Brianna, let alone held her. That part took a minute for Evie to feel comfortable with, especially since most of them were health care workers and exposed to many things. But slowly, she was able to let go just a bit and let more people start to help. These people loved her daughter, loved her children. And she didn’t want to deny them the chance to do just that.
But even with Evie doing so much better than she had been, Carter was still cautious. He was very careful about his attending schedule. At first, he tried doing chunks of shifts, multiple days in a row followed by a couple days off. But when Evie told him she preferred having him around more consistently, he tried his best to get one day on and then one day off whenever he could. A small part of him also started to miss his time in Africa. While he definitely didn’t want to expose his family to some of the more dangerous parts of his time there, he couldn’t help but wonder if doing field work or a different kind of medicine might give him more time with his wife and children.
The decision to put Meghan in pre-school a little early hadn’t been taken lightly. At first, even suggesting preschool felt almost cruel to Evie. After finally getting both girls home and under one roof again, the idea of willingly sending Meghan somewhere every day tugged at every guilty part of her heart. She was terrified that Meghan would feel unwanted if she was sent away during the day; that she would realize Brianna was getting to stay home with mommy and be upset or start to become jealous.
But the more they talked about it in therapy and with each other late at night, the more they realized this wasn’t about getting Meghan out of the way. It was the opposite. Meghan needed something that belonged just to her again. For months her entire little world had revolved around hospitals and whispered conversations and adults saying things like “Be careful around the baby” and “Mommy’s tired today.” She had been extraordinarily good through all of it. Too good, honestly.
Four-year-old’s were not supposed to understand this much. And it seemed like every time Carter or Evie looked at Meghan lately, they realized she had quietly started making herself smaller in the house. Less demanding. Less loud. Less needy. Less like their sweet, rambunctious little girl. As if she understood everyone was already carrying too much. That realization alone broke Evie’s heart. Her kid was supposed to be a kid.
So they found a preschool program nearby that started a few weeks earlier than the public school year. Small classes. Warm teachers. Long enough for Meghan to settle in, make friends, paint pictures, sing songs, and build off of the things they had already started teaching her at home. A place where she could be inquisitive and playful and happy. Long enough for Evie to maybe breathe a little during the day, take care of Brianna without worrying that she wasn’t giving Meghan enough attention. Maybe clean the house or sit and relax when she finally put Brianna in the bassinet that she started to trust more and more.
The night before Meghan’s first day, Carter found Evie sitting on the floor in the living room, surrounded by tiny clothes and other small piles of laundry. She was holding the glittery purple backpack Meghan had insisted she needed, something brand new for her first day. It had looked so massive on her when she first put it on in the store. Evie stared at it with watery eyes.
“I don’t understand how she’s old enough for this.” Evie said, sensing Carter and feeling his gaze.
Carter smiled softly and moved to the sofa, sitting behind her and putting his hands on her shoulder. “She’s been old enough for this for a while.”
“I know.” She sighed. “She’s just…” Her voice cracked unexpectedly. “She used to fit on my chest.”
Carter nodded and kissed the top of her head, nuzzling her. “It’s Brianna’s turn to do that now.” That made Evie look over at the bassinet across the room where Brianna slept swaddled tightly, still impossibly tiny even after weeks at home.
“I know.” She paused and Carter thought she wiped a tear from her face. “I’m watching both my babies grow at the same time.
The next morning, Meghan woke up before everyone else, full of excitement. When she finally burst into her mom and dad’s bedroom, she was already dressed, even in her shoes. Meghan climbed into her parent’s bed and loudly announced, “I’m ready for school!”
That immediately woke Brianna.
“I’m sorry sissy.” Meghan said sheepishly, as Carter grabbed Brianna from the bassinet and handed her to Evie. “I didn’t mean to scare you.”
“It’s okay Bug.” Carter cooed, sitting down on the bed next to her as Evie positioned Brianna to nurse. “Bree knows you’re excited for school today. She’s excited for you too.”
When they all eventually made their way downstairs, Carter took over breakfast and lunch packing while Evie started on Meghan’s hair. The four going on fourteen year old had been very specific with what hair style she wanted for her first day of school: two braids tied back with different colored rubber bands. The first time Evie did it, Meghan didn’t like how it turned out, thought it wasn’t even. So she asked her mom to do it again. Not in a mean, bratty way, but just a determined way. Most days Evie would tell her it was fine and move on. Today, however, she knew her daughter wanted to make a good first impression. So Evie happily redid the style, making sure to be extra careful to be neat and precise the second time around. She almost sobbed when Meghan hugged her tightly around the neck after seeing the second set of braids.
Eventually, they all somehow ended up out the door and arrived at the school not long after. Carter helped Meghan put on her purple backpack once she was out of the car and she ran up to Evie with the accessory bouncing against the backs of her knees as she came over. She grabbed her mom’s hand and held it as they walked into the school, Evie letting Carter carry the car seat inside. This moment was about Meghan, and by God, Evie was going to give all the attention to her oldest. No matter what her hurting brain told her to check on.
The preschool itself was cheerful and bright. Finger paintings taped to walls, tiny cubbies, everything drenched in the smell of crayons, disinfectant, and graham crackers. The sound of children grew louder and louder the deeper the tiny family walked into the building. And Meghan Carter looked absolutely thrilled by it all. She was buzzing with excitement and started pulling Evie forward to try and hurry her mother towards her classroom. They had only visited the place once a week ago and Meghan already knew where to go.
“Hi.... Meghan Carter, right?” Ms. Saunders, Meghan’s new teacher, said cheerfully as they walked into the classroom.
“That’s me!” Meghan exclaimed, jumping up and down.
“Looks like someone is excited to start school today.” Her teacher chuckled and crossed her arms.
“Oh yeah.” Carter scoffed. “Very excited.”
“Well we are very excited to have you.”
Ms. Saunders walked Evie and Carter through everything one more time, made sure they had everything for Meghan, what it was expected she’d do in a day, where she would go in the school for various things, etc. The whole time Meghan kept her hand in Evie’s, but she could tell her oldest wanted to go and join everyone else in what they were doing. And by the time the adults were finished talking and Ms. Saunders graciously took a couple picture of the family, Meghan was ready.
“Bye Mommy! Bye Daddy!”
“That eager to get rid of us?” Carter chuckled, kneeling down to give her a hug goodbye.
“It’s school.” Meghan explained seriously. “I have to be by myself.” But then she looked at her mother, and her expression actually softened. “You okay, Mommy?”
That nearly shattered Evie into a million pieces. Evie crouched carefully and kissed Meghan’s forehead. “I’m okay, baby.”
“You’re crying.”
“I know.”
“Why?”
Because you were just born. Because I missed months of your life while sitting beside an incubator. Because you got so much older while I was trying to survive. Because I love you so much it hurts. All of those thoughts ran fast through Evie’s head. And instead, Evie smiled shakily and brushed a piece of hair behind Meghan’s ear. “Because I’m proud of you.”
Evie hugged Meghan so tightly before letting the four year old say goodbye to her sister, who was thankfully still sleeping in her car seat. And then Meghan walked over to the cubbies, put her backpack away and just joined the group of kids as if she had been there the whole time. So small. So brave. Carter immediately stepped behind Evie, using one hand to grab the car seat and then wrapping the other around Evie’s waist.
“She’s okay.” He murmured softly as he started to guide his wife out of the classroom.
“I know.”
“She’s going to love it.”
“I know.”
And Meghan really did love school. Not just loved it, but thrived in it. Every day she came home and told Carter and I about what she did that day. She would talk about different words she learned, what she had for lunch, and even sang Brianna all the different learning songs they were doing. Her favorites were the days of the week and the alphabet. She was always bringing home finished worksheets and coloring pictures, and folders with notes of good behavior and how well she was adjusting.
At home, I felt like I was actually starting to relax a little more. With all my attention on Brianna, I started to fully see that she was indeed thriving and doing well. And in turn, I began to trust myself more and more as therapy continued and the medication I decided to try took effect. I actually started doing other things while Brianna napped instead of just sitting right beside the bassinet and watching her.
Now, I didn’t just jump right into leaving her alone. Absolutely not. I would have combusted. But would I clean up the toys in the sunroom while she laid in the bassinet a few feet away? Yes. Did I start to leave her in the dining room while I prepped dinner? Occasionally. But it did still seem like things were getting a little bit better, a little less hopeless. My brain was starting to calm down in a way that I realized it hadn’t done since I got pregnant with Brianna. It was a true relief.
When Halloween came around, Meghan wanted to do matching costumes and I was so glad I was actually up for it. She had recently become obsessed with Peter Pan in her journey through the Disney canon and was dead set on that being what we dressed as. I was all for it, especially when she wanted Carter to be Captain Hook. The sight of my husband in a long curly wig made me belly laugh for the first time in a really long time. It was even better when Meghan insisted that she be Peter Pan so that Brianna could be Tinker Bell.
We did the best we could with the costumes while still making sure both girls were bundled up against the weather. Haleh was gracious enough to come over to take pictures, and she had a field day with Carter’s costume. She promised to tell me the reaction of everyone in the ER when she passed around a copy of the pictures in the coming days. We even ended up taking Brianna to just a couple houses so Meghan would be happy that she was included before I brought her home and got hot chocolate ready for when they returned.
Everything had been a learning curve for the past several months, and thankfully Carter was there with me every step. He never missed a therapy session, went with me to my follow ups with Coburn, and worked to be home as much as he could, not only for the girls, but for me. I would never be able to express how appreciative of him I was. But the one thing we hadn’t done really and truly since before Brianna was born, was go on a proper date. The kind of date where you dress up and go somewhere and just spend hours together without a toddler pulling on your leg for attention or a baby needing to be nursed. And a part of me really wanted to try and give Carter a night where we could attempt to be just us. No matter how nervous I was.
First, I started putting my plan to action by forcing myself to leave the house without Brianna. Haleh and Chuny had been trying for weeks to get me to do it and I thought my brain was finally in a good enough head space to attempt it, so I gave it a shot. I cried the moment I sat in my car alone from the first time in months. I almost didn’t pull out of the driveway. I could just go back inside, pick my baby up, cuddle her, and never leave again. But that wasn’t a part of the plan. So I took a deep breath, prayed really hard that the meds would help me get through it, and went to go get coffee. The coffee turned into a quick grocery store trip for a couple essentials, and I was back in an hour. I don’t think I had ever been so anxious but proud of myself in my life.
Next, after a few more outings on my own, I started trying to find a day where both Haleh and Carter were off or at least only had a half shift. Honestly, that seemed like it was proving to be the hardest part of the whole ordeal. Seemingly every time Haleh told me it would line up, Carter had to switch with another attending because of one reason or another. It happened three times and it was making me feel like the universe didn’t want us to go out at all. But thank God for Haleh. Finally, she just told Susan that if she changed Carter’s schedule one more time, she’d stage a nurse mutiny. We found a date very quickly after that.
The morning of our date, I used Brianna’s first nap to shower and shave. There wasn’t really any chance of anything happening tonight; the SSRI’s were still decreasing my libido, which kind of sucked. But if I was going to be putting forth my best effort mentally, I would put in the effort physically as well. The next wake window was spent with Brianna doing tummy time, a few minutes in her swing, and helping mommy pick out a dress. I think Brianna really liked that part of the day. She started to get really vocal about things, especially her disappointment in me when I tried to go for a shirt and pants instead of a dress.
Meghan helped me finalize the outfit after I picked her up from school, accessories and all. She was really excited to see me all dressed up again and even got me to dance around with her while I was getting ready. Haleh got to the house around 4:30 and immediately took over watching the girls so I could finish up which I greatly appreciated. I just wasn’t prepared for my husband to get home sooner than I expected him to.
“Hey babe. What’s Haleh doing here?” I heard his voice calling out as I just finished up my lipstick. I hurriedly checked myself over, walking into the bedroom just as he walked in. The surprised look on his face made me chuckle a little. He looked like the sweet, golden retriever boy he was when I first met him. “Wow.”
“Hi.” I replied, nervously playing with the side of my dress.
“Hi there.” He practically purred. Carter walked forward and wrapped his arms around my waist. “This is a nice surprise. What’s going on Evie?”
I paused, swallowing and then taking a deep breath. “What do you think about going to dinner with me tonight? Just the two of us.”
His eyebrows raised a little. “Really?” I nodded. “W-What’s the occasion?”
“I mean, you could say either of our birthdays.” I shrugged. “Kind of forgot to celebrate them with everything going on.” I paused, putting my hands on his chest. “But do we really need an excuse to go out just the two of us?”
Carter looked down at me and I watched him study my face for a moment. I could see the gears turning in his head, and honestly, I didn’t blame him. But eventually he did smile at me and kissed the top of my head. “Okay. I’ll go get dressed and be ready in ten minutes.”
“Sounds perfect.”
True to his word, Carter was ready and downstairs before I could even sit down with Brianna. We said our goodbyes, and Carter held my hand tightly as we walked to the car, trying to reassure me that everything was going to be okay. We were right on time for our reservation, so thankfully we were seated right away. The beginning of the date was good, choosing drinks and talking through food selections before we decided to get a couple of things to try and share together. Once the waiter was gone with our choices, Carter grabbed my hand and started rubbing my palm and fingers with his thumb.
“So how was your day?”
“Uh, it was good. I went through my closet a little bit, which was nice.”
“Oh a bet Brianna was very entertained by that.”
“Oh yeah, she got a great view from her mat on the floor. Tummy time was very entertaining today.” I paused a second and looked down at our hands, my brain running a little bit more then normal. “John..... could we maybe try....... not to talk about the girls.” I asked, squeezing his hand. “My brain could really use the distraction to I don’t get up right now and rush home.”
Carter nodded, squeezing my hand. “Of course. Well, we could talk about how amazing you look in that dress. How about that?” He smirked and I rolled my eyes. “Fine, okay. What do you want to talk about?”
“How about work? I’ve.... missed County. I guess, for lack of a better term. How-How’s everybody? How are the new interns?”
“The interns? Okay, I guess. Definitely different.”
“Different how?” I chuckled, rubbing my thumb against his knuckle.
“They just..... don’t have the same people skills, I guess you could say. Sure they know all the medical stuff, which is obviously important. But sometimes they seem like a bunch of robots just trying to get from one patient to the next. Pratt’s even doing it.”
“Even Abby?”
“Every once in a while. I’m more worried about Abby not practicing to her full potential. She’s great, but she forgets that sometimes. Let’s some of the other interns, namely Ray, walk all over her.”
“She’ll get it. I know she will. How’s Luka?”
Carter chuckled, taking my hand and kissing it. “Luka’s Luka. He and Sam seem to be doing okay though. They all moved in together.”
“Really? I didn’t know they were that serious. A part of me kept thinking even after everything that happened in Africa, he’d get up one day and go back.”
“Me too. It’s nice to have him around. Especially because Susan is being so weird.”
“Not liking her as chief?”
Carter shrugged. “Look.... she’s.... she’s great. She’s doing the job. It’s just weird taking orders from Susan.”
“Why? Because she’s a woman?” I raised a brow.
“Of course not.” Carter scoffed. “Because she’s Susan. I’ve known her since I was a med student. I honestly even had a little crush on her back in the day. She just feels more like a colleague then my boss. With Weaver, she was always that position. The leader. I don’t know, with Susan, it’s just different.” He shrugged. “Hey, guess what?”
I chuckled. “What?”
“We just had a conversation and never even mentioned either of our children.”
That time I let out a full out laugh. “We did didn’t way.”
“Yeah..... you did.” I looked at Carter a lot closer than I had been and felt a shiver go up my spine.
God, I loved the way this man looked at me. Even when I was fighting for my life, trying to stay in the moment with him and not think about my two kids, especially my baby at home, he still looked at me like I hung the moon. He jumped at the chance to have dinner with me even after what I assumed with a tough day at work. He held my hand and stayed in the moment. I felt tears start to pool in my eyes and watched his face morph with concern.
“Hey. Hey. What’s wrong?” He asked, looking like he was about to jump out of his chair over to me.
I cleared my throat and let go of his hand to wipe my eyes. “No, I’m okay. I promise. They’re..... they’re actually happy tears.”
“Yeah?”
I nodded. “I just really love you. Like probably an absurd amount.”
Carter chuckled. “Oh yeah? Well, I love you too. An extremely absurd amount.” He leaned over the table and I met him halfway in a kiss. “And I’m never gonna stop loving you either. No matter what.”
A few weeks later, I brought Brianna inside of the ER for the first time to see everyone. I hadn’t told Carter I was going to do it ahead of time, and when he walked up to the desk, I saw the moment his heart fell out of his butt. Even when I told him I came just because I wanted to, he still watched closely. That was until he got his hands on Brianna and started showing her around like he did to Meghan. That’s when he finally started to relax, in his element, showing off his daughter.
And watching Brianna finally get to be around some of the closest people in our lives, for the first time, my brain had finally gone quiet.
Hey guys..... well I'm back. 😅 Hope you guys like this and it was worth the wait.
Also, Happy Birthday Mr. Wyle. The Carter family is definitely celebrating Dr. Carter along with you. 🥳
Just got notified that today is my 1 year anniversary on Tumblr 🥳
Wow, it's insane that what started out as a little story based off of me binging ER for the first time, just writing for my own self indulgence, became all of this!
Thank you for sticking with me, even though it's been quite a while since I've posted. I promise the next chapter is in the works and the next chapter after that is actually done. I'm trying to make this next one really worth your while since I've been gone. It's looking like it's gonna be around 10k words.
Just stopping by to wish Brianna Millicent Carter a very happy 22nd birthday 🥳🎂!! She had a chaotic entrance into the world, but she made it!! I had to wish her a happy birthday from one Bree to another. Love your story it's one of my absolute favorites.
Sending love 😘
Bree
Awe!! I love this! Thank you! 💜
Oh my gosh, I can't believe that little NICU baby would be 22 and in her first year of med school!
Wait...... oops 😉
Hey everyone! Life has just been sucking the energy and brain power out of me lately, and so that's why I haven't been updating! I am writing a little bit though, I swear. Should have a new chapter out soon about the Carter family's time transition to a house with a new baby and a big girl about to start Pre-K!
What would happen to carter and evie with his whole dialysis? P.s I love your fic it is so so good
Thank you! I appreciate your support very much! 💜
So I plan on writing all the way through Season 15 when this happens, and even beyond that (I've got about four after ER Snapshots either done or in the process because I'm crazy 😜). I have posted two "sneak peek" posts set during Season 15 that I will link below.
I'm really excited to explore Evie and Carter's time away from County with their kids. I have some ideas but I just know the more I write, my crazy little brain will figure more things out. 😅😂
"Alright Mr. Bikel. Just have a seat right here and someone from ophthalmology will be down here in just a little bit."
"Are you sure you've never seen any of my programs before?" The old man asked me again for what felt like the hundredth time that day."
"No, Mr. Bikel. I'm sorry, I never had."
"But you did go to public school, didn't you?"
"Yes Mr. Bikel. But I grew up in Ohio, so I don't think we got your program there. Now just sit tight and someone will be right in to check you out."
I gently pat his shoulder before grabbing his chart and leaving the room. I let out a small sigh before blowing the hair that had come loose from my ponytail out of my face. As I walked back towards the desk, I noticed trauma was filling up again, but they seemed to have things handled. Come to think of it, there were defiantly more people in here then when I took Mr. Bikel back just a couple minutes ago. I mean, I didn't think he had talked to me for that long.
Once I reached the desk, I logged into the computer, seeing if there were any updates on other patient results I was waiting on. I checked the lab report basket too and almost didn't hear the 'Heads up!' before I turned and somehow caught the candy bar that flew my way.
"Hey, nice catch." Carter chuckled, his boyish, toothy grin causing me to still smile as I rolled my eyes.
"What's this for?"
"Got it from the cafeteria earlier. Thought you could use the pick me up."
I scoffed and shook my head. "Well, thank you." I said, pocketing it for a better time.
"Heard you have a patient for me?" He asked, walking around the desk and I held up the chart.
"George Bickel. 78 year old male, complaining of left eye pain, most likely due to his recent diagnosis of glaucoma. I put him back in the exam room for you."
"Sounds good." Carter said, tapping the corner of the chart on the counter and looking at me.
"Want any help with him? Sweet guy, but a bit of a talker. You can tell he's probably alone most of the time."
"Thanks, but I think I got it." He paused, shrugging. "You know, I really think I'm doing well with this whole ophthalmology rotation."
I chuckled. "I'm sure you are." And as he turned around, I called out. "Thanks again for the candy bar!" He raised his hand in the air and waved in response. I chuckled again and continued looking through the lab papers.
"Hey, is there anything back on my altered pedes patient?" I looked up, seeing Carol.
"I don't know. Let's see." I fingered through the papers until I found the one she was looking for. "Right here." I handed them over and her brows furrowed as she read the results.
"Damn it." She muttered.
"What's wrong?"
"Her creatinine and potassium are elevated." She shook her head and turned, walking back towards her patient's room.
"You want me to call a consult? Dialysis?"
"Probably should just get them down here faster."
"I got you!" I yelled after her, picking up the phone and dialing..
After calling upstairs, I went to go check on Carter and his patient, because if anything I heard from the nurses upstairs was true, ophthalmology definitely was not John Carter's forte. But at least when I got back to the exam room, the old guy at least looked to be in good spirits. Carter was going over a prescription with the man as he was returning his hat to his head.
"I want you to use one drop, three times a day." He instructed as the man took the small bottle.
"Three times a day. One drop." Mr. Bickel repeated. "Thank you. And thank you to Ms. Monroe." He added when he looked up and saw me coming towards them.
"You're very welcome sir." I smiled at him. And that's when his face quickly got serious and he took a sniff of the air. He held out his hand to stop Carter from walking off.
"What's the matter?" Carter asked, not really paying attention.
"Benzene." He replied in a strange tone. Almost like he was questioning the fact that he knew what the odor in the air was. It suddenly hit me like a wave, not necessarily packing a punch, but getting heavier.
"What?"
"It's benzene. Don't you smell it?"
Carter took a quick sniff, but didn't make much of a fuss as I wrinkled my nose again. "Probably just stripping the floors." He offered. He put a guiding hand on Bickel's back so he would keep walking.
"Stripping floors with benzene? I don't think so. It's much too toxic." He said the last part to me, since I seemed to be the only one paying attention. "Ah, Doctor, before I go, find out where that smell is coming from as quick as possible." He turned to me again. "Make sure he does that."
"I will Mr. Bickel, sir. You have a good night."
The old man nodded his head once and then walked towards the exit, leaving only Carter and I. I watched him leave for a moment, before turning back to Carter. He shook his head once, finishing up the chart. And as he turned to walk back into the main area of the ER, that's when the smell became stronger and we finally saw the growing commotion.
"Set up oxygen. Pulse is weak and thready." Weaver called out to those around her. Everyone was coughing and trying to breathe. "Bilateral wheezes."
"What's going on?" Carter asked as we ran towards them, just like we would do in any situation.
"Chemical spill." She coughed. I looked her up and down noticing the purple liquid that stained her clothes and was currently being trailed all over the floor through the ER. I pulled a pair of gloves from my pocket, a chill running up my back. "Yosh, bag these clothes up and get them outside."
"Take slow, deep breaths." Jeannie told the man on the gurney.
"You want me to call your wife?" The man's co worker by the looks of their matching attire asked him. "You might be here a while."
"We need fans." Anna suggested. "I'll call Maintenance."
"Get Housekeeping to clean up--"
And just as Carter and I reached the gurney, Weaver collapsed onto the ground and began seizing.
The moment Dr. Weaver went down, the ER descended into sheer chaos. I had never anything like it the whole time I had worked here. Typically, even in high stakes situations, we were a well oiled machine. We always seemed to know exactly what to do. But something about this situation, with no true leader, everyone was losing their cool. Patients were everywhere, gurneys, doctors and nurses. It was an utter and complete madhouse.
But then in the middle of it all, in the middle of the fighting and the arguing, the stress and the chaos, one person finally stood up to take charge. And it was definitely not the person I thought would be the one to do it.
"All right, everybody shut up!" Carter shouted, finally getting everyone be quiet and focus on one thing. "We' re going to evacuate the entire ER! Check every room! All contaminated patients and staff go to the ambulance bay right now!"
"How do we know who's contaminated?" Malik jumped in.
"If you got a spot on your skin, your gurney, or your clothes......go outside right now!"
"Move, move! Let's get him out."
"Let's get her out."
"Dr. Weaver, how you doing?" Carter asked as Jeannie and I moved her gurney towards the bay doors.
"Her seizing stopped. She's postictal." I told him, leaving Jeannie and another nurse to transport her as I moved beside Carter.
"I won't go outside without my jacket!" Randy yelled from the wheelchair she'd been placed in after fainting. "I'll freeze my ass off.
"Can you get some blankets for them?" I called out, pointing outside and another nurse took off to get them.
"Anna, we should send home any non-urgent cases now." Carter said, walking over to the other doctor. "If you need stitches or x-rays, go to the lobby!" He yelled towards chairs. He turned to Jerry who was on the phone, writing something on a notepad. "Let me have this for a second. How many critical are there?"
"Right here!"
"Right here!"
"I got three right here in the ambulance bay!"
"Seven, eight." He mumbled as he looked around and started writing. "There's three outside. That's 11." He paused a moment, biting his lip. "All critical patients should move to...the, um....."
I looked around, trying to get my brain to work in sync with him. That's when I turned and my eyes caught the sign. "The cafeteria!" I called out. "They've got tons of plugs and room. Go to the cafeteria. It's big enough."
"Yes, yes!" Carter confirmed, shouting out again, his eyes meeting mine briefly in thanks. "Let's stock it with portable monitors and oxygen cylinders that we can find, okay, that's where we're moving, so that's where we're going. Let's go!" He turned to me again as people started moving. "Can you help them get started with moving patients and then find me Ellenhorn?"
"Got it." I replied.
After directing the ER traffic towards the cafeteria, and shooing stragglers who would survive without the ER for right now, I headed for the break room. And when I pushed through the swinging doors, Jerry was already inside tearing the place apart.
"What are you doing? I need Ellenhorn."
"Check under the stack. The disaster manual has gotta be here somewhere." He groaned, continuing his frantic search. Thankfully I found the medical text fairly easy, one mercy of this suddenly crazy night. I had began flipping through it when Carter came in.
"What does it say?"
"I just found it. Give me a sec."
"Hey, Carter, what about Policy and Procedures?" Jerry asked, showing him the giant binder. "Maybe something in here-"
"No, no, no forget it." Carter sighed. "Listen, go to the admit desk, grab all the charts and take them to Benton in the cafeteria."
"I'm sure there's probably-"
"Run, Jerry, to the cafeteria!" He said this time with a little less patience.
"I got it!" I called out as Jerry took off. "It's under Hydrocarbons. "Excreted in urine as sulfate conjugates-""
"No, no, we don't need that. Go to Clinical Presentation." He flipped the page.
"Pulmonary System."
""Coughing, choking, pulmonary edema where aspiration occurs."" He read.
"Uh, I-I think that guy Manny aspirated, but not Weaver.
"Central Nervous System. "Inhalation displaces oxygen, causing depression sodium lethogene and rarely, seizures from hypoxia.""
"Supportive Care. "Only treat with oxygen." That's what we're doing."
"She should be okay."
I dropped the heavy book on the table and the two of us quickly exited the lounge. Since Benton was the one in charge of setting up the patients in the cafeteria, we worked on getting them supplies. Since I was the one who typically stocked everything in this place, my organization systems running through the ER, Carter and I made pretty quick work as we stocked up the rolling towers.
"Take these to the cafeteria and set up a portable suction." Carter called out to a couple transport guys. I stopped walking and pulled out the notebook he had taken from Jerry. We had been making a list as we went, trying to make sure we had everything we could possibly need, and some how we seemed to be manage in a swift manner. As I checked off another item, Carter was back at my side and suddenly, so was a firefighter in full gear.
"Where's the spill?" He asked, his voice muffled by the mask.
"On the other side. We're evacuating." Carter replied, not really paying him any mind as he too looked down at the list.
"That means you too, Dr...?"
"Carter." I told him. "And I'm Evie Monroe, an RN."
"Captain Dannaker. We're setting up a decon in the ambulance bay."
"Okay, we're-we're not quite finished stocking the ambulance bay and cafeteria with medical supplies." Carter stuttered, and I could tell he was stressed that we were losing time.
"Our people will get you everything you need. Get everyone out now."
I scoffed. "You won't know what to look for and where to find it." I grabbed the sleeve of Carter's lab coat, sticking the notebook in his pocket and turning so the guy couldn't stop us. "Look just-just give us five minutes and we'll clear the place.
"You got two!" He yelled and I could tell he was pissed.
"Okay!" I yelled back as we started hustling down the hall.
"Hey, Chuny, grab a crash cart, defibrillator and a bunch of mayo stands." Carter told, catching sight of the other nurse.
"Right!"
We veered into the exam room when we saw Doug and Carol still inside with their patient. "You guys okay?" I asked.
"We're on our way."
Good. So we kept moving. "Chuny, get a lot of saline." I called out, not that the woman already didn't have her hands full. I'd grab some myself before we went to the cafeteria. "You know what, I'll do it!" I called back, already pulling out my key to the drug lock up. I turned to Carter. "I'm going to grab saline and a cart full of ACLS drugs and anything else I can possibly think of that we might need to treat people. I'll see you in the cafeteria."
Carter nodded and then stopped, grabbed my face, and then kissed my cheek. "You're a genius Evie. I couldn't do this without you."
"Carter I need you!"
And with that, he took off in the direction of the voice. I don't know how I was able to recover from that so quickly, but I shook it off and started grabbing everything I could find.
However, I was defiantly going to be thinking about that for a while.
Once the evacuation was done and patients started to be settled, Carter and I knew that we would probably be of more help if we headed out to the ambulance bay. Benton and Anna seemed to have things under control with Lily and Chuny in the cafeteria, and most likely Jeanie and Yosh would need help with the exposed people that were outside. Carter and I kind of had to push our way through the crowd at first. Despite the fire and police department trying to contain the area, some reporters had gotten through and I could hear a multitude of clicks coming from their cameras. I wondered who would get blamed for that nightmare later.
"Excuse me?!" We both paused as a woman ran over to us. "You're a doctor?"
"Yes, I am."
"I have to find my daughter." She said, grabbing at Carter, which I really didn't appreciate, even if she was distressed. "She is a patient in the ER. They won't let me in."
"Okay, um....." But thankfully a couple firefighters stepped in and took hold of her, trying to walk her away from us.
" You can't be here, ma'am."
"No! Somebody help me!"
"You should check in the cafeteria. She might be there, okay?" Carter yelled after her as he put his hand on my back and led me towards the man we assumed we had met inside. "Captain Dannaker?"
"Copy. No fire verified on floor two." He said into his radio. "Fire patrol, do a reset." He turned to us. "False alarm. Somebody smelled fumes and panicked."
"Jeanie..... Jeanie, why are we outside?" That's when we saw Jeanie wheeling Dr. Weaver out of the decon area.
"It's okay Kerry. We're taking you to the cafeteria."
"Is she okay?" I asked.
"She's still altered."
"It's not the benzene, it's from the seizures." Carter called after her. "She should be fine." He turned back to Dannaker. "Some patients might need attention before they go inside."
"You two are in the cold zone." He said, pointing towards what looked like a make shift shelter.
"Cold zone?"
"Out here. In there's the warm zone. That's where we clean them. Nobody goes in there without a suit. Same goes for the ER, it's a hot zone."
"Okay." Carter sighed, running his hands through his hair. I could tell this was all starting to really get to him, especially when he pulled out the notebook again, still checking on everything.
"Are you Carter?"
We both turned, finding a woman with a bright orange vest and a huge binder. "Yeah."
"Harriet Spooner, VP of Operations." So she was a suit. Or at least normally a suit. "Tonight, I'm the incident commander. Did you evacuate the ER to the cafeteria?"
"Yeah."
"The disaster plan calls for evacuation to Physical Therapy."
"Sorry, but it got a little chaotic in there." I pounced, trying to handle something for him. "We had to improvise."
"We have an elevator stuck between floors." Dannaker walked over and told the woman.
She sighed and shook her head and began to walk away. "I'll find the building engineer."
"Anybody on it?" Carter asked.
"Don't know. The phone's dead and the alarm's going off."
That's when it hit me and I hustled over to the firefighter, feeling like a hypocrite when I grabbed him like that woman did to Carter. "Uh, Captain Dannaker, two of our co-workers were supposed to be transporting a young girl on dialysis upstairs. If they're the ones trapped, you need to get someone up there ASAP. That little girl's life depends on it."
He nodded and hustled off to take care of it. "You really think they're the ones stuck?" Carter asked me.
I sighed and put my hands on my hips. "If they are, there's one thing a knew for sure: Doug Ross isn't about to stay put for to long."
Carter continued to float back in forth, checking on things inside and outside while the firefighters and hazmat continued their work in the ambulance bay. I remained outside despite the bitter cold, wanting to be there in case something happened to one of the patients they were decontaminating. Apparently at one point when we had separated, that Harriet woman had named Carter the chief medical officer. Got a shiny walkie talkie and everything. Thankfully though, nothing had happened up until that point.
"Two more to go." I said over my shoulder as I kept eyes on everyone. I could just tell it was Carter coming up behind me by his manic energy.
"What about the ER?" He replied, coming up beside Captain Dannaker and I.
"It'll take awhile." The other man told him.
"Is there a doctor around?!" A voice called from inside the hot one, wheezing short breaths.
"Right here." Carter called out.
"It's kind hard to breathe." The man wheezed again as we turned to look at him. He was sitting up on the gurney as they harshly rinsed him, not even caring that he was obviously in distress.
"We'll be right with you." Carter said, already stepping forward and gesturing for me to join him.
"No, you can't go in there." Dannaker stopped us. "Suits only."
"Suit us up. He's in trouble."
"Even if you were certified, it'd take you 15 minutes to suit up. He'll be out before then."
"Doc, do something!" The other woman yelled.
"You're not gonna let us in there? He could die." I told the firefighter
"Mike, give him oxygen!"
"Morrie!" The woman yelled, trying to get her friend's attention. "He's not talking! Doc, do something!"
"Get me an airway kit now." Carter told me and I immediately took off towards the tent to grab one. And as soon as I was even remotely back by him, Carter grabbed it and made a run towards the patient, only to be stopped by Dannaker. What the man didn't expect was for me to also run at him, which caused him to let go of Carter, catch me, and allow him to run in.
Dannaker sighed, letting me as a smirk spread across my face. "He's dirty now. Let him do it."
"Anybody here an EMT?" Carter asked. But when no one responded, his eyes quickly met mine and I was already moving before the words "Fuck me" could run through my head. I grabbed the ambu bag from him the moment I reached him and he quickly grabbed the scope and ET tube, the two of us working quickly and seamlessly like we did when we were actually inside the ER. The tube went in and as I connected the bag, he was removing his stethoscope to check placement.
"Scrub them!" I heard Dannaker call out.
"Let's go, doc." Someone ordered, already trying to get Carter out of his clothes and away from the patient. That's when I felt someone grab me.
"Wait!" I exclaimed. " Wait stop!" I shouted, pushing whoever was touching me away. I turned to the firefighter nearest me. "Take this bag and pump it every 3 seconds and don't stop the cycle." Another hand grabbed me. "Every three seconds! You hear me?" The firefighter nodded.
Multiple hands started undressing me, stripping me even of my shoes and socks. If I thought I felt cold and exposed before, I had no idea. As I let out a huff of frustrated, they picked me up and placed me in the decon shower.
It actually felt kind of humiliating at first, having a bunch of men staring at me as they scrubbed and rinsed me down. But I couldn't help but let out a sigh. Well, if I was going to be nearly naked in front of firefighters and Carter, at least I had had the frame of mind to put on a nice matching set this morning. I turned to Carter, but quickly averted my eyes, biting my lip and the insanely inappropriate thought that ran through my head at the sight of him in his flannel boxers. I hadn't missed the happy trail that ran down into them
"How's he doing?" Carter called out. Of course. He was so much better than me, worried about the patient, his attention only on them.
"He's picking up. Looks good."
"Great." Carter sighed. That's when he turned to make sure I was okay. And when he to turned away quickly, my heart started to race. I could only hope it was for the same reason I had.
Eventually, we got the all clear, and I never thought I would be so excited to go back into the ER in my life. At least now I could change into my own clothes. While it felt kind of fun to be wearing the green-blue scrubs the doctors wore, the boots I borrowed from a hot firefighter definitely didn't fit, and definitely didn't feel good. I just prayed I didn't have blisters by morning. That or a cold from the wet hair.
Turning from my locker, I watched as Carter walked out to the ambulance bay in his coat. I smiled and grabbed my coat, quickly putting shoving the boot souvenir inside before slamming my locker shut. Carter was already talking to Captain Dannaker when I made it outside, a light snow flurry beginning to fall. The engine of the truck sounded to life as I reached them.
“It was good working with you.” Dannaker told Carter holding out his hand. Carter took it and shook it a little too excitedly. That’s when the other man noticed me standing close by. “You too Ms. Monroe.”
“Thank you sir.” I nodded as Carter turned around, smiling. I waved over at him as the truck drove away. Carter walked towards me, wrapping his arm around me as both walked over to the bench. My body immediately thanked me as we sat; I suddenly couldn’t remember the last time I had stopped moving this evening. “God, what a night.” I groaned, wrapping my coat tighter around me as I leaned back on the bench. “And we’ve still got eight hours left.”
“Don’t remind me.” Carter also groaned, placing the firefighter boots he was carrying on the bench between us. I chuckled.
“They didn’t want them back?” I asked. “Eh, I don’t blame em. No one would want to use them after you.” I chuckled as Carter playful pushed me over. “Kidding. I’m surprised you even tried to return them. Mine are already in my locker as a souvenir of this crazy night.”
“It was a crazy night, wasn’t it.” Carter sighed. “Evie….. thank you. I couldn’t have done that without you.”
“You seemed to be holding your own their boss.” I smirked, playfully hitting his arm.
Carter chuckled. “Yeah, but you were the glue. Like always. Every time I needed sometime you were there. You even ran into the hot zone to help me save a patient when you didn’t have to. When you shouldn’t have had too.”
“Hey, it’s what we do.” I paused, putting a hand on his knee. “You and me…… we’re a team. No matter what. We work best together. I’d follow you into the fire. Always.”
“And I’d follow you too. Because you'd probably get us out of it faster.”
I chuckled and crossed my arms, laying my head on Carter’s shoulder before groaning. “Do we really have to go back in there?
I could feel Carter nodding before there was a kiss on the top of my head. “Unfortunately my friend, we do.”
“I don’t think that’s really fair. This should qualify us for like early release from work, or something.”
“Yeah, you’d think. But we’ve got patients to take care of. And apparently a press conferences to speak at.” I lifted my head to look at him, raising an eyebrow. “Weaver wants me to speak about the event to the media.”
“Well that’s cool." I chuckled. "Look at you. Big shot celebrity doctor. Can I get an autograph?”
Carter scoffed. “Oh please. I’ll have Weaver breathing down my neck the whole time to make sure I don’t say the wrong thing.” He paused. “Would you….. would you stand up there with me?”
My eyebrows shot towards my hairline. “Really?”
“Yeah. I’d feel a lot better if I knew I had my partner in crime next to me.”
“Uh…. Sure. Yeah. I’ll do it.” I placed my head down on his shoulder again, just one more brief moment of rest before we had to return. I closed my eyes and let out a deep breath when I felt something wet on my cheek. I opened my eyes and sat back up, the snow beginning to come down on us. I held out my hand and let the snowflakes fall into my palm. “At least this waited until we got everyone back inside.”
“No kidding. It was already cold enough.” Carter stood, grabbing the boots in one hand before holding out his other to me. “Shall we venture back inside?”
I groaned and frowned before taking his hand and letting him help me stand. “I guess so.”
“Hey Carter. Gen.”
We both turned around and smiled. “Hey!” Carter exclaimed as Mark walked over. “When did you get back?”
“Came straight from the airport. I’m on in five minutes.”
“It’s good to see you.” I told him, giving him a quick hug. “How’s your mom?”
“She’s doing better.”
“That’s good.”
“What’s with the boots?”
I looked down at the boots again and chuckled. Carter scoffed and held one up to him as we all walked out of the snow and into the ER.
“It’s kind of long story.”
Hi everybody! Long time no see! 😅
Sorry this took so long. This time of year is the most insane in terms of events at my job. I also just finished directing/producing/everything-ing a musical production by myself for the first time. Let me tell you, that is not for the faint of heart, but thankfully I had some help.
Hopefully over the next week or so, I can get back into a better writing schedule. I've missed Evie, Carter, Meghan, Brianna, and the whole gang, and I can't wait to dive back into them and their lives in a more focused way, especially since season 2 of The Pitt is over. 😭
“Yeah, definitely. And I’ll check in when I get to work.”
I finished plating up the eggs onto each of the plates as Carter walked into the kitchen, Meghan on his hip. One side of her hair was in a braid, while the other was still sticking out everywhere. We had had a little family day after our therapy appointment yesterday and had gotten home so exhausted we forgot to lay out stuff for today. It left us just a little bit frazzled. Carter gave me a ‘help me’ face, so I set down the pan and grabbed Meghan quickly.
“Bye Auntie!” Meghan called out as I took her into the dining room and set her in the chair. At the moment, only God knew who she was yelling at with the multitude of “Aunts” and “Uncles” she had in that ER. I walked back into the kitchen and grabbed both of our plates, already finding Carter trying to shovel food into his mouth while still in conversation. When I set Meghan’s food down, she started to eat as I tried to match the other braid Carter had actually already done a surprisingly good job on. It made me smile a bit, thinking about the days in the future where one of us would be doing Meghan’s hair while the other did Brianna’s.
I had finished up her hair and was finally shoveling my own food in my mouth as Carter walked out of the kitchen. “Who was that?” I asked in between bites.
“Elizabeth.” He replied, going into the mudroom space to grab his bag and double check he had everything. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw him smile when he came across the snack I had snuck in there before I made breakfast.
“Is she still in trouble because of that transplant?”
“Yeah....... I feel bad. I’m the one who talked her into it. I feel like she shouldn’t be the only one getting reprimanded.” He shook his head and closed up his bad. “I’m going to try and talk to Weaver before shift about it.”
“Well, while I really don’t want you to be getting in trouble right before Brianna gets out of the NICU, I do get wanting to do the right thing by our friend.”
“Are you okay taking separate cars?”
“Yeah. I need to clean up some before we head over.” I ate my last forkful. “Hey, Veronica said if Brianna was doing good, they were going to move her to low flow today or last night. I’ll come down and let you know if they do.”
“Sounds great.” He walked over and gave me a kiss, before kissing the top of Meghan’s head. “Bye Bug. Have a fun day at daycare.”
“Bye Daddy.” She said, looking up and blowing him a kiss.
Carter chuckled and caught it, before he grabbed his bag and headed for the door. As soon as it closed behind him, I stacked up the dishes and gave Meghan my own kiss. “Alright crazy girl. Let’s get things cleaned up so we can get out of here.”
“I talked her into doing it.”
Carter had been trying to talk Weaver out of reprimanding Elizabeth to harshly for the better part of half an hour. He had a hand in this, and no matter how much it would really suck if he was put on probation again, or worse, he wasn’t going to let Elizabeth go down on her own. But like most conversations with Weaver, it was like talking to a brick wall.
“Your hand never touched a scalpel.” She told him, for maybe the third or fourth time. “Look, we’re just trying to determine Dr. Corday’s understanding of the law—”
“That’s about to change.”
“Find the current law regarding HIV-positive organ transplant.”
“The donor was originally my patient.” Carter continued, following Weaver around the desk. “I’m just trying to ask for an opportunity to speak on her behalf.”
“Attendance is limited to department heads. Last time I checked, you weren’t one.”
“Bring it on people. Dr. Pratt is on the clock and ready to rock!” Pratt rounded the desk, a huge smile on his face. He looked a whole lot better than he did a couple weeks ago and had absolutely no idea the argument he had just walked in on.
Weaver’s eyes followed him a moment before she started towards the elevator. “Which reminds me, I’m concerned we have doctors using work as therapy for post-traumatic stress.”
“He’s fine.” Carter scoffed.
“I’m not talking about him.” Carter stepped onto the elevator with Weaver. “Look, I got your request for extra shifts..... and it seems to me you’re glossing over some of your susceptibilities.”
“Hold the elevator!”
“Too late.” Weaver called out to the voice.
“Sorry.” Carter added as the doors closed, leaving just the two of them inside.
“I’m sorry to bring up your history of substance abuse... but the fact is, you’re still an addict. You’ve been through an emotional roller coaster these last few months. And I know what it’s like. Why push it? Why tempt fate? God knows you don’t need the money.”
Carter crossed his arms. “If you must know, Evie and I have been going to therapy.” And he wasn’t going to tell her he’d been trying to ween away as much as possible from using family money when he could. “There’s no problem, Kerry.”
“Well good. Because I’m not in the business of safeguarding doctor’s licenses. Not twice anyway.” She stepped off the elevator and Carter pressed the button to hold it open.
“So no extra shifts?”
“Use the time to be with your family. Go to the movies. Take weekend trips. Make sure that nursery is ready for when your daughter comes home. Do something other than hang around this hellhole.”
Carter sighed as Kerry walked away. He let go of the button and the doors slid shut in front of him. Maybe...... maybe Kerry was right. Brianna was so close to coming home. No matter how much he wanted to and loved to work, he loved his family more. And yes, Brianna’s nursery was still not finished. They had barely started putting furniture together when everything happened. With the possibility of her coming home now sooner rather than later, it would be good to get the room done, even if Evie would want her in the bassinet by their bed for a while. He let out another sigh as the doors opened back up to the ER, and he stepped into back into the chaos.
I was so absolutely elated, that the moment Brianna went down for her mid-morning nap, I left the NICU and headed down to the ER for the first time in who knows when. That low flow nasal cannula was the best things I had seen in a really, really long time. It was the most I had ever gotten to see of our sweet baby girl’s face. My heart nearly leapt out of my body when she smiled as I held her for the first time after it was on. Even though she definitely had some similarities in appearance to Meghan, it was plain to see Brianna was her father's daughter. Same nose, same big brown eyes. Same lips and chin. It was like I hadn’t even brought any genes to her creation.
The elevator door opened to the ER and I smiled, my head on a swivel as I tried to find my husband. I saw Chuny and Jerry right away. It took a moment before I caught sight of him, a trauma gown in his hand as he was about to walk outside to the ambulance bay.
“Carter!” I exclaimed to get his attention before running towards him. He turned, forgetting about the gown he had in his hand when he saw me. I ran straight into his arms, flinging my arms around his neck and giving him a deep, hard kiss. It took him by surprise at first, but just as quickly, he wrapped his arms around my waist and melted into me. It didn’t matter in this moment that we were in the middle of our place of work. I was too happy.
Eventually, Carter broke the kiss, moving back from me with a surprised expression on his face. “What’s going on?” He chuckled, clearing his throat when his voice caught.
“Brianna’s on low flow oxygen and she’s handling it well this time.”
“Really?!” He asked, his eyes going wide.
“Yeah. You can even see more of her face.” I pulled out my phone and showed him the picture of her smiling. His own got so big as he took my phone holding it up so he could really see.
“She looks like me.”
“I know.” I chuckled. “All the nurses upstairs keep talking about it.” I put a hand on his arm. “They said if she stays stable, we can start the countdown to going home.”
Carter grabbed me tightly and hugged me hard. “I can’t believe it.” He whispered and I nodded in response.
“I know. Me either. Carter, she could be home before her due date.” I squeezed his arms and even bounced up and down a bit. “I thought maybe to celebrate, we could go grab a coffee or treat from the cafeteria if you had time.”
Carter sighed and handed me back my phone. “I wish. We’ve got a pedes trauma coming in.”
“Oh no. How many?”
“Two. Don’t know details yet.”
I nodded and brought him forward, hugging him one more time. He snuck a quick kiss to my neck and I snuck one to his cheek before he stepped back. Since I was there, I went ahead and tied the trauma gown for him while he put on gloves and placed his stethoscope around his neck. He snuck one more kiss, this time to my lips. “We will celebrate tonight.” He told me before hustling out to the ambulance bay.
“Celebrate what?”
My brow furrowed for a moment as my brain was trying to process that yes, I had heard the correct voice. I turned and my smile grew bigger as I saw it was indeed Jing-Mei standing behind me. And yes, it was even more exciting to see her standing. “Would you look at you!” I exclaimed, going over and hugging her tightly. “Back up on your feet already. How does it feel?”
“Better.” She replied, giving me a squeeze before stepping back. “Just got my cast cut off.”
“Got impatient with ortho I see and just had to come down here.”
“Guilty.” She scoffed and looked me up and down. “And would you look at you. You’re looking better than the last time I saw you. How’s Brianna?”
“Uh, at the risk of jinxing it..... she’s doing great. I just came down to tell Carter she moved to low flow. Just a couple more steps and we can finally take her home.”
“That’s amazing. She’s what a few months now, right?”
“She’s just barely over two months. But then you get into corrected age and it’s all a little complicated. 64 days in the NICU.”
“Man, that’s a lot. I’m proud of you guys for making it through.”
“Me too.” I smiled, this time a little sad. “It’s..... it’s been hard.” Jing-Mei put a hand on my arm. “But pretty soon, Bree’s going to be home. I think Meghan’s the most excited out of all of us. She still hasn’t gotten to meet her yet.”
“Oh yeah. NICU rules about kids under twelve. She must be itching to meet her.”
“Definitely. But soon.” I nodded. “Soon.”
Jing-Mei smiled at me. “I’ve got to go and get back to my dad, but it was really good to see you Evie. And I’m glad to hear Brianna is doing good.”
“You too.” I hugged her tightly again before we said our final goodbyes and she left the ER. Taking a deep breath, I looked around at the chaos one more time before heading back towards the elevator foyer. But as I was walking, I caught sight of something by trauma. Or really, someone.
I stopped in my tracks, seeing a pretty scared looking boy looking into the trauma room. And for some reason, I felt a pull to go to him. It wasn't a new feeling, but it was one I hadn’t had in quite some time with Brianna and Meghan’s well-being my absolute only priority. It felt like I was back in my nursing shoes again.
Knowing Brianna was upstairs in good hands, I made my way over to the boy. I looked into the trauma room, seeing Carter, Abby, Chuny, Pratt, and a new guy I didn’t recognize working on a little girl. I looked back down at the boy. “Do you know her?” I asked in a calm, quiet voice.
“Is my sister gonna die?” He asked, not taking his eyes off the room.
My breath caught in my throat for a second, before I knelt down by him. “What’s your name buddy?”
“Saige.” He replied, his eyes still not leaving his sister.
“Well, Saige, my name is Evie. I.... I’m a nurse. And those doctors are doing everything they can to make sure that that doesn’t happen.” I paused a moment, looking around. “Saige, is your mom here?”
“They took her to a room.”
I nodded. “Yeah, probably the family room. Why don’t we go and find her? Maybe we can see if the doctors have told her anything about your sister.”
“Sisters.”
That’s right. Carter had said there were two victims. “Sisters.” I repeated quietly. I slowly stood and put a careful hand on Saige’s shoulder, waiting to see what he would do. But when he didn’t jerk away, I carefully turned him away from the trauma room and led him the long way to the family room. That way we could maybe talk some more. “Saige, I don’t really know specifics about your sisters, but do you want me to answer any questions for you?”
He was silent a moment before looking up at me. “Is my mom gonna be okay?”
“Well, I can imagine it’s probably really hard for her right now. I know it would be for me if my little girls were hurt. She’s worried and upset. I’m sure you are too. But hopefully your sisters will get better really soon.” We rounded the corner and I stopped a moment, seeing a few cops standing together talking. I watched them a second before looking down at Saige. That’s when I noticed the growing dark spot on his pants.
“I’m sorry.” He quietly got out. I could see tears pooling in his eyes, and I wasn’t sure if they were of fear or embarrassment.
“Hey, no, it’s okay.” I tried to comfort him. “It’s no problem buddy. Stuff like this happens all the time.”
“Evie.” I looked up and noticed Abby standing in the doorway of the family room.
“Hey, uh, Abby. This is my friend Saige.”
“We’ve met.” She replied, smiling down at the kid.
“We’re just gonna grab some scrubs from the supply closet and get cleaned up.”
“Are you sure? I can do that if you need to get back upstairs.”
I shook my head. “Nah. I’m good.” I waved her off. “I can handle this.”
Easily finding my way to the scrub closet, a place I was very familiar with, I grabbed some scrubs that would work for Saige. I also gathered some things to help him wipe off and clean up, giving him some privacy until he was fully changed. I knelt down to the ground and rolled up the pant legs since they were still a little too long. “These work great Saige. Just make sure if you have to go again, you let me know and I’ll help you find the bathroom, okay?”
“Okay.”
I smiled at him and stood, putting a gentle hand on his shoulder. “All right, now let’s go find your mom.” He nodded and I started making my way towards the door. But when I opened it for him, he was still standing in his spot, looking at me. I furrowed my brow. “You okay?”
“I was scared.” He admitted.
“Of course you were.” I validated. From what I could piece together from conversation in the hallway by the cops, the girls had been pushed out of the window by their insane, drunken father. It had disgusted me when I heard it as I waited for Saige to change. Of course he would have been scared of an abusive parent.
“I should’ve done something to stop it.”
I sighed, my heart breaking for the kid as I walked back towards him. “Saige..... you’re just a kid.”
He shook his head. “I’m the oldest.”
My heart squeezed again and I suddenly wondered what the same sentiment would sound like coming out of Meghan’s mouth. “You’re 9.” I started. “You’re father..... he’s a grown man. There’s only so much you could have done.”
Saige shook his head. “He was never there.”
An icy chill went up my spine, my Spidey senses tingling at the sure tone of his voice. “Who?” I asked, wanting confirmation of what I already knew.
“My father.”
“But your mother said it was your father that hurt your sister.”
“My father hasn’t been around in over a year. I.... I think he died.”
I really needed to find someone who was actually on shift. Right now.
What I thought was going to be a quick trip to the ER to celebrate with my husband, suddenly became a whole lot more then I bargained for. But hey, why did I expect anything less? I found Abby and Carter in trauma, cleaning up the poor little girl from earlier, Kali. I had to close my eyes for a moment when I saw the tub sticking out of her little mouth. She didn’t look barely any older than Meghan. I told them what I knew and now the three of us and the new social worker were standing outside of the family room as I watched Saige and his mom holding each other through the window.
“Police went to Dad’s favorite bar and confirmed he died last year.” Wendall, the social worker, confirmed what Saige had told me. “Shot to death in some holdup.”
“After that, Saige said mom couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep.” I added, putting my hands in my pockets.
“Yeah, after years of abuse, she probably didn’t know what to do with herself.” Carter sighed.
“Any psychiatric history?” Abby asked.
“No. Wendall started. “But insurance records show that her outpatient clinic had her on valium three times a day. Stayed on it six months until she ran out of money.”
“How long ago was that?” Carter asked.
“Last week.”
“Must be benzo withdraw.” I offered.
“If she quit cold turkey could be psychosis, delusional thinking, hallucinations.” Carter trailed off at the end, looking back at them.
“Did the oldest kid say what really went on?” Abby asked me, not knowing what all we had talked about in our brief time together.
“No.” I shrugged. “But I think you can forget about him talking to the cops. He got really scared when he saw them.”
“Hey, Lockhart, EMS coordinator called for you.” Ray interrupted, a smug look on his face. “Sounded pretty pissed about your ride-along.”
Abby moved her neck, biting her lip before saying sorry, and walking away as Chuny left the family room. “Hey Chuny, how is she?” I asked.
“Better.” She sighed. “I gave her 10 of valium, PO.”
“Psychosis should start resolving.” Wendall added.
“Maybe now she can tell you guys what really happened.” I offered.
Wendall nodded and turned to walk into the room, but Carter stepped forward and grabbed my hand. “You okay?”
I scoffed. “Well, I didn’t expect to take on a half nursing shift today. Maybe I should have clocked in?” I tried to joke. Carter gave me a half smile and squeezed my hand. “I’m okay. Really. Get in there and see how you can help. I’m going to go back upstairs and check on Bree.”
He nodded and leaned in, kissing me on the cheek before he turned and went into the room. I stood there for a moment, watching all of them in the room. Hopefully they could get the help they need and Saige would be okay.
“Look at you go.” I cooed as I looked down at Brianna. She was nursing well, her fingers splayed out over my chest. She did this all the time now when she nursed, almost like she was scared that I was going to pull her off before she was finished, her appetite really starting to ramp up. “You’re an old pro at this now, aren’t you?”
“Of course she is.” I looked up and smiled at Carter as he pulled over a chair and sat in front of me. He was in his normal clothes and he looked absolutely exhausted.
“I’m guessing everything didn’t go well with that family?” I asked.
Carter sighed and wiped his face with his hands. “Uh.... no. No it didn’t. Our, uh, suspicions were correct.” I understood exactly what he meant without him having to say it. He reached forward and stroked Bree’s cheek as she continued to nurse. “And, uh, Evie..... Elizabeth is gone.”
My brows furrowed. “What do you mean?”
“She decided not to take Weaver’s demotion and she is moving back to England.”
“Oh man.... did.... did you try to talk to her?”
“I did.” He nodded. “And she seemed happy with her decision. And I honestly can’t blame her. She gets to move back home, be with her family. Raise Ella away from all of the ghosts.”
“But one of those ghosts is Mark.” I countered. Carter nodded and bit his lip, this time, running a thumb over Bree’s head. She grunted, like she was annoyed that he was disrupting her dinner. That actually got a small smile out of Carter. “I can’t believe it. Meghan’s losing her first friend.”
“I know. I never thought this would happen. Especially so young.” Carter sighed. “Speaking of, Meghan’s outside with Miriam and I know if I don’t leave with her now, she’s going to try and force her way in here. And besides, we don’t want to interrupt the princess’ feast, now do we?”
I chuckled. “We sure don’t.”
Carter leaned down and gave me a kiss. “Chinese take-out?” He asked, raising an eyebrow.
I smiled. “It’s like you read my mind.”
Today felt like an absolute fever dream—one I thought would never come.
After a week of no apnea spells, going from using low flow only at night to not at all, and passing her car seat test, Brianna was finally ready to come home. Abby was amazing—she took Meghan for the morning, even on one of her precious days off, so we could go get Bree and surprise Meghan with her. I must have packed and repacked the diaper bag five times, wanting to make sure I had everything we might need, especially the outfit we had planned for Bree to come home in. It was a soft, adorable little onesie with cherries all over it. Despite being a preemie size, we knew it probably still wouldn’t exactly fit her correctly. But it was the outfit Meghan had chosen, and we wanted to include our oldest as much as we possible could.
Carter and I were holding hands as he drove us back into the city to head to County. But when he took a right turn instead of a left, I turned to him. “Where are we going?”
“It’s a surprise.” Was all he said, a big dopey smile on his face. It was the kind of smile I hadn’t seen on him in a while, which made me just squeeze his hand and enjoy the ride, knowing we’d be with our baby soon enough. But when we pulled up to the location of said surprise, I wasn’t ashamed to say I started tearing up a bit.
“What are we doing here?” I asked, looking out the car window at the burger place where we had eaten on our first date and so many times since then.
“I thought that since this will be the last time for a while we are without two kids, maybe we could enjoy a meal alone together at the place that started it all.”
I leaned in over the console and kissed him hard. “I love you.” I said, breathless and so happy. “But if we’re being picky, County is actually the place that started it all.”
Carter laughed, like a full, real laugh, before he got out of the car and went to grab our order: two burgers, fries, and milkshakes just like we did that day. We enjoyed it in the car, talking about nothing and everything all at once. It was probably the best burger I had in a really long time. A celebratory meal. Once I was finished, I pulled out my breast pump in order to stay on schedule, and when everything was packed up, we made our way to County.
As we walked inside the hospital and up to the NICU for the final time, Carter carried the car seat and I carried the diaper bag, the two of us holding hands. I grew more and more giddy as the elevator climbed, and I thought my heart was going to burst the moment we stepped in and saw Brianna. She was lying in her crib, wrapped tightly in a hospital blanket. Almost all of the monitors had been removed, and the cannula was no longer in her nose.
“Hi sweet girl.” I cooed as I sat the diaper bag on the nearby chair. I gently stroked her cheek and she let out a soft, sweet little sound like she was saying hello. “Are you ready to go home today?” She let out another sound and Carter chuckled.
“I think that’s a yes.” He said, having put down the car seat and walked over to us. “I know we’re definitely ready.”
Before we got her changed and put in her going home outfit, I nursed her for the first time in two days. One of the protocols for her to leave, was she had to take all of her feedings by bottle for 48 hours, so I’d only been pumping. I was worried that she might back track because she seemed to like nursing so much, but thankfully baby girl had cooperated. And now that I was able to nurse her again, she seemed extra happy. While I nursed, Carter spent the time packing up everything and taking it down to the car so we would be ready to go when she was officially discharged.
After she was done feeding, Carter changed her diaper and then it was time to put her in the onesie Meghan had picked out. As I suspected, even for a preemie size, it still fit her slightly big, but she was just too damn adorable in it for us to care. We took a couple pictures of her in her NICU crib one last time, wanting to document the end of a really hard, long journey. We even took final photos with Miriam and Veronica when they came by with the discharge papers and thanked them for everything they had done for us. It was really cool to see Brianna’s polaroid hung up on the wall alongside all the other families.
Carter looked like he was trying to defuse a bomb with how slowly he was putting Brianna in her car seat. But it was alright, I knew he was nervous. In therapy this week, we talked about our feelings about finally getting to bring Brianna home, and he actually opened up about how scared he was. This was going to be his first time truly being able to take care of a newborn. With Meghan, he had only gotten two weeks before the attack had left him all but useless when it came to baby care. Even though Brianna was technically older than Meghan had been then, she was still as small. He was actually really scared that something would happen with Brianna and he wouldn’t know what to do, since I had been the one to mainly raise Meghan those first few months of her life.
When he told me that, I had gotten really emotional. I hadn’t let myself think about that time in so long. By now, I was so used to Carter being such a present, hands on dad that I sometimes forgot how lonely those early months had been—after the stabbing, before rehab—when I was doing so much of it alone. This..... this was really his first chance to do it right. To be fully there. To raise a baby from the beginning.
And I saw just how much he truly cared and wanted to get things right, not just for Brianna, but I think also for me. I saw it in the way his hands shook as he tightened the straps of the car seat, checking everything twice, including her head support. How he so carefully tucked her blanket in. How hard he squeezed my hand as we finally descended down the elevator with our baby. Free—but also terrified. Because for the first time, there wouldn’t be monitors. No nurses. No safety net. Just the two of us and our experience as parents and medical professionals. I leaned closely into him and kissed his shoulder. Wrapping my arm and hand around his bicep, I gave him a reassuring squeeze, trying to mentally tell him it was all going to be okay.
When we finally stepped out of County and into the sunlight of this perfect day, we didn’t immediately go straight to the car. We walked around the corner and made our way into the ambulance bay. It was actually pretty clear for once, no ambulances and just a couple people walking through. That’s when I pulled and my phone and held it up to my ear. “Hey, Frank.” I smiled when the call was answered. “Do you think you and a couple people could come out to the ambulance bay. And a couple minutes later, Luka, Chuny, Susan, Frank, Pratt, and Haleh all walked out through the ambulance bay doors. As soon as they saw us, their faces lit up.
“Oh my god!” Chuny exclaimed. “Is that......?”
“Yeah.” Carter chuckled. “Everyone, we want you all to officially meet Brianna Millicent Carter.” He turned the car seat around so that everyone could look inside and see her sweet face. The sound of ahs and coos filled the ambulance bay as they all bent down to various levels to see her.
“Would you look at that?” Haleh sighed, a hand on her chest. “That is one beautiful baby.”
“No kidding.” Susan added with a smile. “Congrats you guys.”
“Thanks.” I said, smiling. “And thanks for coming out here. We wanted to bring her by to meet everyone before we left. But we didn’t think the ER and a preemie really mixed just yet.”
“Hey, she could have handled it.” Pratt smirked, shrugging his shoulders. “She’s a fighter. She’s built for this place.”
Chuny and Haleh came over and each gave me a hug, followed by Luka, who also gave Carter a handshake. “You two be careful getting that one home.” He all but ordered. “I know a little girl who’s very excited to meet her.”
“No kidding.” Carter scoffed.
We said our goodbyes and soon we were on the road home. I sat in the backseat with Brianna, holding tight to Carter’s hand, his arm bent over the console to the back so he could be included. I called Abby as soon as we left County and told her she could start heading towards the house with Meghan, but reminded her not to say anything about the surprise. I wanted to be able to see the look on her face when she realized her sister was home.
Pulling up to the house, I waited a few moments after Carter parked the car, still not believing we were actually here. “We’re home Bree.” Carter said, smiling at me through the rear view mirror. He got out first and made his way over to her side of the car, opening the door before I even started to climb out. He had carefully taken her from the car seat as I made my way around, and once I was beside him, he passed Brianna over to me, resting her on my chest. I could feel her sweet little baby breaths against my neck.
We had decided for her first official welcome home, we would come in through the front door instead of the back side door by the kitchen like we normally did. It was a momentous occasion and she deserved a grand entrance. But the moment I walked into the foyer with our sweet little baby in my arms, Carter closing the door behind us, I couldn’t help but look around the house and suddenly burst into tears. It was suddenly so unbelievably overwhelming to be here after all of this time. And thankfully, Carter didn’t try and say anything to calm my down. He just wrapped his arms around me and let me cry into his shoulder, Brianna sleeping nice and warm in between us.
Eventually, I was able to calm down enough that we gave her a little tour of the house. We showed her all of the downstairs and then when we went upstairs, we quickly passed by Meghan’s room before walking into the nursery. “And here is your room baby girl.” I cooed as we stepped inside. The fairytale theme I had picked months ago felt even more right and perfect in this moment. The leafy floral wallpaper was a beautiful backdrop to the crib, a sign baring Brianna’s name hanging in the middle of it. It was calm and serene, everything I knew we needed after the longest months of our lives.
“Let’s go take her upstairs.” Carter whispered, kissing the top of my head before he looked down at Bree. “Meghan should be home soon.” I nodded and let him lead me with a hand on my lower back up the last flight of stairs.
“And this is mommy and daddy’s room.” I told her. Brianna seemed to be immediately mesmerized by the ceiling fan whirling overhead thanks to the summer heat. I took a moment to stand in the middle of the room, letting her watch it. “Do you think I should be holding her when Meghan gets up here?” I asked Carter, wanting his take on the surprise.
“I think you should put her in the bassinet. Throw Meghan off a bit.”
“I like your thinking.” I smiled. Putting a little bounce in my step, I walked over to the bassinet, pulling it just a little bit closer to the side of the bed before laying Brianna down inside it. “Oh my God. She looks even smaller in here than she did at the hospital.”
Carter chuckled and walked over to me, looking down at our youngest. “I think it’s going to seem that way for quite some time.” He put his arm back around my waist and this time I leaned into his chest, just standing there in his embrace while we watched our daughter take everything in. But what seemed like only seconds later, the doorbell rang through the house.
“That’s Abby.” Carter said, his tone carrying even more excitement than it had all day. “I’ll go get her. Be right back.” He gave me another kiss on the head. “Don’t do anything to cute while I’m gone.” He told Bree before walking back down the stairs.
Sitting down on the bed, I stared down at Brianna, lying there in her bassinet, cooing and looking around at her surroundings. It was absolutely surreal that she was here right now, right beside our bed. A few months ago, this didn’t seem even remotely possible. Now, she would be spending nights here in our room or in the nursery that had sat empty for months. Meghan was about to finally get to meet her baby sister for the very first time. And it wasn’t long before I heard multiple voices downstairs, then the closing of the door, and the sound of feet bounding up the steps.
“Hi sweetheart.” I said, smiling at Meghan as she appeared at the top of the stairs and into our room.
“Mommy!” She exclaimed and ran towards the bed. Carter was right behind her and he chuckled when she didn’t even notice the bassinet and ran straight to me. Meghan wrapped her arms around my waist and pressed her head into my middle. Thankfully my c-section scar didn’t hurt anymore or I would have yelped. I bent down and kissed the top of her head.
“How was Aunt Abby’s house?” I asked, running my finger through her hair.
“Fun! We had ice cream!”
I chuckled. “Of course you did.” I shook my head and looked up at Carter, who was now bent down behind Meghan.
“Hey Bug.” He started. “Mommy and I have someone we want you to meet.”
Meghan turned to him and raised an eyebrow. “Who daddy?”
Carter pointed in the direction of the bassinet and Meghan gaze followed. When she saw he was pointing at the bassinet, her little brow furrowed like she was concentrating too hard. Slowly, she walked over to it and when she finally saw Brianna laying inside, her little limbs wiggling as she cooed softly, I started crying when Meghan turned back around to us, her little eyes wide like saucers. Her head quickly turned around to look back at the baby and then us.
“It’s Bree!”
A wet laugh left me and I nodded. “Yeah, sweetie. It is.”
“She’s home!” Meghan put her little hands on the edge of the bassinet and acted like she was going to pull herself into it.
“Woah, woah, woah.” Carter exclaimed, getting up and going over to her. He gently helped her back to the ground. “Easy there kiddo.”
“But I want to see sissy.” Meghan whined. “Please.”
Carter smiled and pushed her hair from her face. “You can definitely see her sweetie. But maybe let’s let mommy hold her.”
Meghan quickly turned to me as I was wiping my face. “Please mommy, please.”
“Sure thing sweet girl.” I said quietly, my voice cracking with emotion. Carter carefully reached into the bassinet and picked Brianna up. She let out an upset little noise, like she was telling him she didn’t appreciate being moved. But once she was in my arms, she relaxed again, snuggling into my chest. I adjusted myself against my pillows and the headboard. “Come here Meghan.” I pat the spot on the bed beside me.
Meghan quickly climbed her way onto the bed and once she was beside me, she wouldn’t look anywhere but her sister. “Hi Bree. I’m your sissy. I’m Meghan.” Meghan turned to me, putting a hand on my chest. “Mommy, can I touch?”
My heart clenched at that and more tears fell. “Yeah sweetie. You can touch her. Just be really careful.”
That was all the permission Meghan needed. She reached forward and carefully ran her fingers over Brianna’s head. “She’s soft and fuzzy.” Meghan said, smiling up at me as she continued the motion. I looked up at Carter and noticed he was now crying as well. “I been waiting for you Bree. For forever!” She exclaimed. “Mama, can I hold her?”
“Sure sweetheart. Come sit in between my legs.”
Carter grabbed my nursing pillow and put it in Meghan’s lap once she was situated. Then he helped me maneuver Brianna until Meghan was holding her. Brianna began to fuss again, her face scrunching up as she cried. “It’s okay sissy.” Meghan cooed as Carter reached for a pacifier. “Twinkle, twinkle little star. How I wonder what you are?” Meghan began to sing. “Up above the world so high. Like a diamond in the sky.” Brianna started to quiet down and she looked up at Meghan with big, brown eyes that mirrored her big sister’s.“Twinkle, twinkle little star. How I wonder what you are?” Meghan smiled and wrapped her arms tighter around her sister. “I helped her stop!” She exclaimed.
“You did Bug.” Carter replied, clearing his throat. “She remembers your voice from when she was in mommy’s belly.”
“Can I kiss her?”
“Sure sweetheart.” I replied, giving her permission. Meghan moved her head forward and so softly kissed the top of Brianna’s head. When she sat up, I did the same to her. “What do you think Meggy?”
“She’s cute.” She adjusted the blanket around Brianna. “And I like the cherries on her clothes. I knew she’d like them. I’m glad she’s home.”
“We are too.”
Meghan sat in my lap, so happy and so gentle. She carefully played with Brianna’s fingers and gently stroked her hair. Occasionally, she would sing again or would start to tell her baby sister about her day. Eventually, Carter joined us in the bed and we carefully undressed Brianna, showing Meghan her little toes and her cute little legs. Meghan asked where everything was on her when she was in the hospital, so we did our best to explain to her what everything was and where it had been attached.
“Sissy was really brave.” Meghan had said, and that got me crying again.
When Brianna started crying because she was hungry, we explained to Meghan so she wouldn’t be upset when I took her away. What I didn’t expect was Meghan wanting to watch her as she ate. She sat up in between Carter and I and laid her head on my arm, just staring at and admiring her sister as she nursed. She even stroked Brianna’s foot gently as she ate.
The four of us stayed in that bed for a long time, none of us wanting to leave this moment. This was the moment I had pictured a hundred times in the NICU. And somehow, it was even better. I don’t think I had ever been so completely, overwhelmingly happy in my life.
The next day, Meghan, Carter, and I blew out a pink birthday candle on top of a cupcake for Brianna to celebrate what was supposed to be her original due date, July 29th.
hi sweetie!! hope ur well! could you write a flash forward to a season 15 carter and gen? x
So I did post a sneak peek of Season 15 on Valentines' Day, in case you didn't see it. You can find it here.
I will be writing all of Carter's Season 15 storyline, especially with how the kidney transplant affects the family. But if you're asking for something more......... maybe I can give you a little sneak peek 👀
I probably won't post anymore after this for Season 15 😅 Don't want to give you guys everything too early!
A rush of familiarity and change came at me all at once, as the girls and I walked through the ambulance bay doors of County. The place felt like an absolute different hospital. New layout, new people, new chaos. Everyone rushed past, making it hard for me to find a familiar, friendly face. I know I joked with Carter about it, but how had things changed so drastically? I know we were gone for a few years, but this felt insane. Finally, after what felt like ages of panic, I breathed a sigh of relief.
“Haleh?” I asked, recognizing the back of the person’s head.
The woman turned and when she saw me, her eyes lit up. “Evie!” She walked forward and hugged me tight, before moving back and looking down at my belly. “Look at you. Carter didn’t mention you were expecting again.”
“It’s been a little crazy since we got back to Chicago. We wanted everything to be settled before I came by, and we told you guys.”
She nodded and looked down. “And look at your girls. They’ve gotten so big.”
I smiled down at them. “Where’s Carter? The person on the phone said it was urgent.”
“Trauma One.” I nodded, looking down the familiar hallway. “Why don’t I take the girls to the lounge and get them a snack?”
“That would be great.” I said, giving her a small smile. I slowly crouched down, as much as my 7-month bump would allow and took each of the girl’s hands. “You girls are going to go hang out with Auntie Haleh for a little bit while Mommy goes to check on Daddy.”
“No! Wanna stay with you.” Brianna cried and wrapped her arms around my neck.
“I’m sorry sweetie, but not right now. Mommy has to make sure Daddy is okay first.” I hugged her before gently removing her off of me so she wouldn’t hopefully feel to rejected. “I promise you guys will have fun. She’ll get you a snack and maybe even let you watch TV.”
“Come on Bebe.” Meghan said and held out her hand. “Let’s go.”
Brianna shook her head, but with another look from her big sister, she relented and took her hand. I smiled and stroked Meghan’s cheek. “Thank you, sweetie.” I said before I carefully stood with Haleh’s help. She put a hand on both the girl’s back, before leading them to the lounge. I took a deep breath, that familiar adrenaline of walking towards the trauma rooms again filled me, no idea of what I was going to find.
A young doctor walked out of the room as I made it and the scene inside did nothing to help my nerves. Carter was lying on the gurney as a doctor I did not recognize was performing compressions while Chuny and Morris worked around him. I pushed through the doors as my adrenaline spiked.
“What the hell is happening?!”
“Ma’am, you can’t be in here right now.” The doctor doing compressions said.
“Like hell I can’t.” I yelled. “That’s my husband you’re trying to save. Morris, how long has he been coding for?”
“Ten minutes. Bag him.” He instructed to another nurse. “Let’s get the crash cart ready again.” The other doctor handed Morris the paddles. “Clear!” As he shocked Carter, my hands went to my mouth. The monitors started beeping again.
“Back in sinus. Carotid’s good.”
“Recheck the lytes now and cue 30.”
I let out a breath and ran my hands over my belly, the baby rolling around probably due to all the excitement. I walked over to Carter’s side and grabbed his hands. “Carter, it’s me. I’m right here.”
“Hey Evie.” He slowly said, his eyes barely open, but a stupid half smile was on his face. He turned his head. “Morris, you saved me. I’ll never live it down.”
I pushed the hair back from his forehead and kissed him. “Don’t ever scare me like that again.”
“Sorry. I didn’t mean too.” He paused and then scrunched his eyebrows. “Where are the girls?”
“In the lounge with Haleh.”
“You can see them once you’re stable. Hi Evie.” Chuny said and walked over to me. I wrapped my arms around her and squeezed her tight. “I can’t believe Carter was tight lipped about this.” She said, nodding down at my belly.
“We kind of had bigger things to worry about.”
“Hey.” Carter rasped and raised a hand to place it on my bump. “My daughter’s a pretty big thing.”
I smiled and rolled my eyes. “Another girl?” Chuny asked, a toothy grin on her face.
“Yep. It is official. Carter can only make girls.”
“I love my girls.” He replied, though weakly, rubbing my bump.
Hope you’re having a fabulous day! But just wondering for a snapshot or something of Evie having to deal with a patient dying that reminded her of her mum and Carter (being the absolute sweetheart that he is) comforting her as she’s feeling the lost of her mother all over again?
The Monroe Effect: Snapshot 11- An Unwelcome Anniversary
Set during Season 6 of ER. Evie is pregnant with Meghan. Spoilers if you haven't seen the show.
I did include some Carter and Evie in here, but it really ended up just being a lot about Evie's reaction and experience with her mother's death. But I hope you still enjoy it!
Warnings: Parental death, Patient Death, Angst and Emotion
WC: 3.1 k
ER story belongs to original creators, just adding on my own original characters.
I thought I had gotten better at compartmentalizing the job. I’d been at this for going on six years now. That should have been enough time to learn to think about work at work and then go home without thinking about all of that. But I guess I was just kidding myself when I thought I was doing a good job with that. I had to much to worry about right now, being pregnant and preparing for my baby with Carter. But said pregnancy had also made me more emotional than normal, especially today of all days.
I had tried not to think about it when I got out of bed this morning, but I knew that was futile. No one really ever can forget the 10th anniversary of their mother’s passing. Or at least I couldn’t. It seemed absolutely unfathomable that she had been gone for so long. I had been thinking about her a lot lately. How she had never gotten to see me become a nurse. How she never got to meet Carter. How she would never get to meet my daughter.
In the days leading up to the anniversary, baby girl had really started ramping up her movements. Carter thought it was so crazy, finally getting to see little thumps from the outside as baby girl answered back when he talked to her. But despite the joy it brought, it also made me wish that my mom was here to experience it with us. He had offered to see about getting us the day off. Said we could go anywhere, do anything. Try and forget about the day.
But it wasn’t just a day to me. It was an important number. Ten felt permanent in a way nine hadn’t. Ten meant a decade without my mother. A decade of becoming someone Diane had never gotten to see. Her death was the reason I became a nurse. so there was no way in hell I wasn't going to do the thing I was meant to today. If not for me, but for her.
October 2, 1999
The weather was mild as Carter and I had gotten to work and the sun shining in through the windows help keep spirits up. When we had arrived, Carol and I did our daily commiseration over pregnancy, the two of us looking like we were trying to smuggle basketballs under our scrubs. Thankfully, the ER had been relatively quiet today. Nothing more major than a few broken bones, to everyone’s relief. I was in the middle of my fifth IV bag change of the day, when Luka called my name as he wheeled a gurney towards trauma. As I got closer, I noticed an older woman lying in it, a nasal canal already in her nose. That's when I heard it.
"Fifty two year old female, advanced metastatic breast cancer, post-mastectomy. Increasing dyspnea over three days. Fever overnight. Weak. Hypotensive.”
I stopped in my tracks for a moment. The woman on the gurney was thin. Too thin. Her cheekbones sharp beneath sallow skin. A pale blue scarf tied loosely over her bald head. Her eyes were bright though. Determined. And she looked nothing and everything like my mom in that moment.
"Gen?"
My eyes snapped up and I saw Luka staring at me questioningly as he continued to transport the gurney to the trauma room. Shaking off my momentary pause, I waddled my way into the room. When I finally got there, post transfer to the hospital bed, I took a quick peak at the chart before beginning to set up monitors.
"Hi Mrs. Ellis, my name is Evie. I'll be helping Dr. Kovac with your care."
"Call me Marianne." She coughed in spite of the oxygen mask she had been given.
“Crackles at the bases,” Luka murmured, putting his stethoscope back around his neck. “Let’s get a portable chest, CBC, CMP, lactate, blood cultures. Broad-spectrum antibiotics.”
I nodded, already tying off the tourniquet. Marianne’s skin felt like tissue paper beneath my fingers. “Little stick." I warned softly.
Marianne looked up at me instead of the needle. Her gaze slowly drifted down from my face to my belly. “How far along?” she asked, breath shallow under the oxygen mask.
"Six months." I replied, trying to keep my voice steady despite my pounding heart. "I'm due in February." Thankfully the needle went in correctly the first time and I got a flash. Hopefully I would have the same luck with her IV.
Marianne smiled faintly. “My oldest was born in February.”
Something inside me tightened so sharply I thought I might fold in half. Another person whose place I had once been so perfectly in. I tried shaking the thought off again, noticing Luka looking me up and down as I closed and labeled the blood vial before moving onto the IV. Again, by some miracle it went in okay.
"You're really good at that." Marianne chuckled. "Normally no one can get a needle in me the first time."
I smiled back at her. "Guess I'm just lucky."
Good job Genie girl.
I bit my lip as the nickname came back so easily to me for the first time in years. One hand squeezed the gurney railing as I adjusted the speed of the IV with the other. Baby girl kicked me hard in the side and I had to stop myself from grabbing my belly. Right now, Marianne needed me. And unless I wanted another nurse taking over for me, I needed to stay strong.
September 31, 1989
The room was dark.
That's what Evie remembered the most.
Compared to the rest of the other rooms, the other floors, hell the whole hospital, Diane Monroe's room was almost like a cave. The nurse said the calm of it would be good for her mom. Let her rest heavily like she needed to. The typical antiseptic and manufactured clean smell was replaced with a small diffuser that made the room smell like lavender, her mom's favorite scent. And a thin, sickly woman lay in bed covered in wires and monitors, a high flow cannula in her nose.
A sixteen year old Genevieve Monroe sat in the old, cracked vinyl chair next to her mother's bed like she had every day after school since Diane entered the hospital. The disease had moved very quickly, and while Evie wanted to stay by her mother's side every single minute, Diane had wanted her to still go to school, focus on her education. But as Evie sat cross legged in that chair, socked feet tucked underneath her and hoodie covered elbows resting on her knees, all she could think about was her mother's hands.
Diane Monroe had once had strong hands. Hands that could guide silk through a sewing machine without puckering it. Hands that could hem a wedding gown overnight and still pack Evie’s school lunch before dawn. Hands that had changed diapers. Hands that had helped guide her daughter in learning how to walk. Hands that could braid hair tight enough to last the whole school day. Hands that rubbed her daughter's back during fitful sleep, even when she grew into a tween.
Now they were narrow and almost translucent. The veins a faint blue map beneath thinning skin.
Her head was wrapped in a pale cream scarf today. The scarf was one that she had sewn herself before the chemo started to steal things like her hair and her hands. It had tiny embroidered daisies along the edge. She’d laughed when she made it.
“If I’m going bald, I’m going to look better doing it than anyone else on this floor.”
Evie had laughed too.
She wasn’t laughing now.
The monitor beside the bed made a steady, indifferent rhythm. It had become the soundtrack of their life. Sixteen felt too young to be in a room like this without an adult. But there wasn’t anyone else. Evie's dad had up and left before she could even remember what he looked like and her Aunt Stacy was at work after spending the day with Diane. But Evie was used to it being just the two of them.
Two plates on the dinner table. Two toothbrushes in the jar on the sink in the bathroom. Two bowls of popcorn for movie nights. Two cups of hot chocolate on snowy nights. Two pillows under the Christmas tree to lay and watch the twinkling lights. Evie's entire childhood had been about the two of them together.
“Genie girl.” Evie adjusted her spot in the chair as Diane murmured, voice roughened by weeks of pain and morphine.
She forward instantly, taking her mother's dry hand, mentally reminding herself she needed to get some more moisturizer. “I’m right here.”
Diane’s eyes opened slowly. They were still the same warm brown they had always been. Still sharp. Still aware. The same pair of eyes Evie saw in herself every time she looked in the mirror. “You’re supposed to be at school.”
“It’s the afternoon mom." Evie gently said with a smile. "School ended a couple hours ago.
Diane’s lips twitched and then she nodded slowly. “Did Mrs. Hagger pick up her dress?” She asked faintly.
“Mom......"
“The navy one. For the banquet.”
“It’s done." I reassured her. "I finished the hem yesterday. Just like you showed me.”
Diane smiled slowly. Pride flickered there—brief but real. “My capable girl.”
The chemo had stopped working weeks ago. Radiation hadn’t done much except burn Diane’s skin and sap what little strength she had left. The doctors had started using words like comfort and palliative care and time.
Time. As if it were something they could portion out neatly.
Diane’s breathing hitched suddenly and Evie was on her feet instantly. “Do you need the nurse?”
Diane shook her head, just barely. “No fussing.”
“You’re in pain.”
“I’ve been in pain for months." She said lightly. “You get used to it.”
Evie didn’t want to get used to it. She wanted it gone. She wanted the lump never to have been there. Wanted the first mammogram to have been earlier. Wanted science to be better. Faster. Smarter. She wanted to be older. Old enough to fix this.
Diane studied her face for a long moment. “You’ve been reading those books the nurses gave you, haven't you?"
Evie startled. “How did you—”
“I know that look.” Diane’s fingers twitched against hers. “You think if you just learn enough, you can outsmart it.”
Evie’s jaw tightened. “Maybe I can.”
Diane’s gaze softened. “Oh, Genie girl." She breathed. “You are going to help so many people one day.”
Evie shook her head violently. “I don’t want to help other people. I want to help you.”
Silence filled the space between them. The monitor kept time. Diane lifted her hand with visible effort and cupped Evie’s cheek. “You already have.”
Tears spilled over before Evie could stop them. “I’m scared." She confessed in a broken rush. “I’m so scared."
Diane’s thumb brushed the tear away. “I know.”
“I don’t want you to go.” The words came out small. Younger than sixteen.
Diane closed her eyes briefly, gathering strength. “I don’t want to leave you." She said honestly. That was worse. Evie leaned forward until her forehead rested against the mattress near her mother’s hip. Her shoulders shook.
The bed dipped as Diane shifted, pulling gently at her daughter’s sleeve. “Hey. Look at me.” Evie lifted her face. “You are not going to be alone.” Diane said firmly, the old steel threading through her voice. “You hear me? You have your aunt. And there will be friends. Teachers. Someone who sees you the way I do.” Evie shook her head and Diane’s eyes sharpened. “You are the bravest person I know.”
“I’m not brave.”
“You are sitting in this room." Diane said quietly. “That’s brave.” Evie laughed weakly through tears. “I wanted to see you graduate. Wanted to see you fall in love.”
“You will.”
Diane smiled faintly. “Bossy.”
“I get it from you.”
Another shallow breath. “Promise me something.”
“Anything.”
“Don’t make your life smaller because I’m not in it.”
Evie froze. “What?”
“Don’t shrink. Don’t hide. Don’t decide you don’t deserve something good because I’m not there to see it.”
Evie’s tears came harder. “I won’t." She whispered, even though her overanxious teenage brain had no idea how to keep that promise.
Diane’s gaze drifted toward the window. “Eighteen." She murmured, slightly shaking her head. “That’s how old I was when I found out about you.” She paused, tucking a piece of hair behind Evie's ear. “You were always my best work.” Diane said softly. “Better than any dress. Any seam.”
Evie nuzzled her cheek into her mom's hand. “Genie girl....... Whatever you become… whoever you love… make sure they’re kind.” Evie nodded fiercely. “And don’t let anyone make you small.” She smiled at her brave girl. “I love you."
“I love you more.”
A faint smile.
“Impossible.”
The nurse came in not long after to check vitals. The room filled with quiet efficiency. Adjustments. Notes. A sympathetic glance. Evie never left the chair. She counted each breath. She memorized the sounds. Sixteen years old. Alone in a hospital room. And already deciding, somewhere deep inside her breaking heart, that she would learn how to stand in rooms like this without flinching.
Because no daughter should have to sit alone in that chair. And no mother should have to leave without someone fighting for her. She would do it all with a brave face.
Even when she was burying her mom a week later.
October 2, 1999
By noon, labs were back. White count high. Lactate climbing. X-ray showed worsening infiltrates.
“Could be pneumonia on top of everything." Luka had said quietly as they stood at the desk. “But with metastatic disease…”
He didn’t finish.
He didn’t have to.
Marianne's oldest, Debra, had shown up around eleven. Her youngest, Georgia, was currently trying to make it here after skipping her college classes for the day. When I had found out she was coming from Columbus, I all but ran to the women's bathroom and threw up. Thank God Carter was spending the majority of the day in triage, or else he would have asked Carol to pull me from the case.
The decline didn’t happen all at once. That was the cruel part. It was slow. Manageable. Hopeful, even. Marianne stabilized enough after BiPAP that we had convinced ourselves she might be able to ride it out until ICU had a bed ready. Her oxygen saturation hovered in the low nineties. Blood pressure crept up with fluids. She was tired but alert.
I watched her with a meticulous calm. I tried not to think about the fact that I had once sat in a nearly identical room at my mother's bedside like Debra. I checked IV sites. Adjusted oxygen. Smoothed the corner of Marianne’s blanket where it bunched. Gave her pain medicine when Luka wanted to up her dosage. I was professional. Efficient. Steady. Marianne shooed me away to grab a snack after she noticed me holding my belly for the third time that afternoon and baby girl had given me a gracious kick when the crackers finally entered my system.
By four o’clock, Marianne was tiring. Breaths shallower with longer pauses between them. Her CO2 was climbing. In any other situation, we would be preparing to intubate her. But the DNR paperwork was clear in her file. We were to provide her comfort and care, but no life saving measures. And the amount of pain meds she was on made it almost certain that she would stop breathing any time from hours to minutes from now.
Thankfully just before six, Georgia had arrived, running into the ER breathless and her face already red and splotchy from crying. I watched as the two daughters pressed close to their mother, almost climbing into her hospital bed with her. There were whispered apologies. Thank yous. I love yous.
It was unbearable. But I did not leave. Just like I promised myself I wouldn't..
At 6:42, Marianne exhaled for the last time.
When Luka announced her time of death, Debra and Georgia's cries had filled the room. It was the exact opposite of how I had reacted when my mother was gone. While they openly wept and clung to their mother's body, I had remained silent, holding her hand with a tight grip. And when Marianne's body was finally taken away, when her daughter's had hugged Luka and I, thanking us for helping their mother, for making her final hours better, I slipped out of the trauma room and headed for the supply closet.
Only when the door closed behind me did I finally burst into tears.
The single bulb buzzed overhead as my raw but silent sobs filled the small space. I leaned forward, grabbing onto a shelf, as I cried. The baby in my belly rolled and wiggled, almost like she was trying to tell me it was okay. I finally rubbed my hands on my belly, trying to calm myself down for her sake, when the door to the supply closet opened.
Carter.
He quickly stepped into the space and closed the door behind him. And as soon as he had me in his arms, my legs gave out.
"It's okay. It's okay. I got you." He cooed as he rubbed my back, the same time my nails were digging into his, terrified of letting him go. He never asked me what was wrong and I wondered if Luka had told him what happened, or if Carol had told him something was wrong. He just kept shushing me over and over again, kissing me head, and repeating the same phrases:
Your mom would be so proud of you.
Our daughter would be so proud of you
I'm so proud of you.
At the end of our shift, Carter kept his hand securely on my back as we walked to my favorite take out spot, and continued to do so as we ordered, got our food, and headed to the train to get back to the apartment. We ate in silence on the couch, watching The Princess Bride until I fell asleep in his arms. That was the last movie my mom and I had watched in her hospital room together before she died. I remember her telling me all the time, "Genie girl, one day you're going to find your own Westley. A man who loves you a 'universe of beaches'."
And in this moment, I was never more sad I couldn't tell her that she had been right.
Hi! First of all, I love the series. It feels really accurate, and your writing style blends perfectly with the show itself.
Now my question: is this some kind of Mandela effect or something? I have this memory of seeing, I’m not sure if it was in an chapter (I don’t think so) or maybe in some extra scene, where the two girls are already older and playing outside, and Evie and Carter are watching them. Carter touches Evie’s belly and says something like, ‘Someone’s upset because they can’t play yet,’ and the other one replies something like, ‘Yeah, but this one can wait as long as it needs before coming out.’
I don’t remember the exact dialogue, but I clearly remember reading something like that. Could that be a thing, or am I just making it up?”
You definitely aren't making it up!
On Valentine's Day this year, I posted a snippet of a scene I had written for Season 15. It was a little spoiler-y, but I wanted to post something family and love focused on the day since it had been a hot minute since I posted and because Valentine's Day in the story has a lot of weight to it for the Carter family.
So it will be a part of the story, but just a little farther down the line. Sorry for the confusion!
hi honey! i absolutely love ur account and i can’t wait for the next chapter!! i loved the snippet of season 15 carter. sending love xx 🫶🫶
Thank you!! The love is received and very much appreciated! 💜 Sorry this took so long. I hope you guys enjoy. I also have more Snapshot episodes coming really soon!
The Monroe Effect: Chapter 107
Set during Season 11, Episode 3 of ER. Spoilers if you haven't seen the show.
Warnings: Canonical Medical Issues, NICU Baby, Possible Inaccurate Medical Information, Breastfeeding/Nursing
WC: 9.6 k (you guys deserved a big chapter after my break)
ER story belongs to original creators, just adding on my own original characters.
When I had told Carter that we should go see a therapist and he had actually agreed, I just assumed that he would keep putting things off until we jut needed up never going. Especially after how the one and only time we had been therapy went during his rehab stint. But when he told me he scheduled an emergency appointment with someone who came highly recommended, I was shocked. Thankfully the therapist, a Dr. Elaine Duncan, agreed to see us on the 3rd, despite the holiday weekend, promising that we would be her only appointment for the day and that we could talk as long as we wanted this first time around. However, that still didn’t reassure me that we would actually go. No, it wasn’t until we both were sitting in the car, parked outside of the office, that I really and truly believed that we were here.
The waiting room was quiet as we walked in, hand in hand. It wasn’t too cozy, but enough to not be completely sterile and impersonal like other doctor's offices were. A scent diffuser in the corner was pumping out something that smelled a touch like artifical vanilla, but still filled the room with a calm aroma. As per what Carter told me, no one else was here, and when we entered the area, an older woman immediately walked out from the office, having heard us. She immediately had a calming smile and presence, holding her hand out as she made her way to us.
“You must be the Carters.” She said, taking Carter’s hand first, then mine.
“Yes, we are. I’m John and this is my wife Genevieve.” Carter introduced, squeezing my hand.
“It’s nice to meet you.” I added, giving her a mirroring smile.
“And you as well.” She looked at both of us. “Why don’t you come this way and we can get started?” She held out her hand, gesturing to the room in the back. I nodded and somewhat led Carter into the new space. Again, it was professional, everything I imagined a therapist office to be. But a couple of colorful pillows and personal photos made the space seem less like a boring environment and more like you were stepping into a friend’s living room. It was nice to be in an unfamiliar place for once. Like the cloud of County wasn’t judging us. We sat close to each other on the couch, Carter moving his hand to my knee, and my arm wrapping around his. I saw Elaine’s eyes quickly flicker over us, taking note of our demeanor. She gave a small smile. Based on the feel of the couch, the indents in the cushions, I wondered how many couples came in and immediately sat at opposite ends away from each other.
Elaine sat in a plush chair opposite us, crossing her legs and resting her hands on the arms of the chair instead of grabbing a notepad. “So, Genevieve, John told me a little bit about your situation on the phone when he booked this appointment. So why don’t we start with you telling me why you both are here?"
“Oh, okay.” I swallowed and slightly adjusted in my seat. “Well, our youngest, Brianna, is in the NICU right now. She was born prematurely after I had a placental abruption. And I think all the stress and trauma of that has finally caught up with us. I suggested that maybe it was finally time to talk to someone about it.”
“You think you should have been in therapy before this?”
I scoff and nodded. “A lot of stuff has happened in our relationship these last few years that probably warranted it.”
“I think......” Carter started, squeezing my knee. “We’ve just been surviving for a while. Or at least I have.” I squeezed his arm and kissed his shoulder.
Elaine nodded. “Why don’t you all tell me how your relationship started? That way I can get to know you both better as a couple.”
I nodded. “Well, we both met at County. We started at the same time.”
“Where do you work?”
“In the ER.” Carter picked up. “I’m a doctor and Evie’s an RN. We met my third year of med school. Evie was a brand new nurse and I was bumbling my way through the start of surgery.” He chuckled at the thought and I couldn’t help but join him, remembering how much of a puppy dog he was back then. How bright eyed and excited we both had been at the thought of beginning long deserved careers.
“We became friends and got close really fast.”
“Is that when you started dating?” Elaine asked, threading her fingers together.
We both chuckled again. “Uh..... no.” I said. “That took a little bit. I think after the fact, we both realized we had feelings for each other from the beginning, but just never knew how to act on them. Hell, our coworkers knew before we did. I think most of them even made bets on when we’d finally figure it out.” I chuckled. “So, there were other people for about the first five years of us knowing one another.”
“So what finally made you two start a relationship?” Carter and I both tensed, seemingly having the same memory. Elaine clocked it right away. “Whatever you want to say, it stays in this room. No judgement.”
Carter took in a deep breath. “I got hurt at work. Nothing serious, but Evie was helping me clean up and I guess the years of tension just kind of boiled over and........ and we had sex. At work.”
“In the x-ray room.” I added, pursing my lips together.
Elaine’s eyes went wide. “Wow. That is definitely one I have never heard before.” She paused a moment. “Unconventional, but adrenaline spiking, fear response. It makes sense. Not that I would advocate for it again.” She gave a small smirk. That made us relax again. I continued.
“I thought that that would be it, the thing that brought us together. But then I found out he was still seeing his girlfriend at the time and we had a little bit of a temporary falling out.” I paused and swallowed. “My dad cheated and left my mom when I was really young, so I felt horrible about the whole thing. That I was the thing I never wanted to be.”
“I knew she felt like that, and I still did it anyway.” Carter continued. “I’ve always felt bad about that, but I don’t regret it. I broke up with the woman and tried to fix it with Evie. Told her I wanted to be with her for real, wanted to try to have a relationship with her.”
“Is that why you don’t regret that night?” Elaine asked.
“Partially. It’s also the night we conceived our oldest daughter.”
“So, Genevieve, you got pregnant before you both were a couple?”
“Yes.” I confirmed. “You could say the beginning of our relationship moved at light speed. I got pregnant and we decided to give a relationship a try and almost immediately moved in.”
“So you feel like you rushed?”
“Sort of? By normal relationship standards, I guess. But we had also been really close friends for five years by that time. We already knew most everything about each other that you would in a solid relationship. Personal history, family baggage. I think the beginning of our relationship was allowed to rush in a sense, because we didn’t have to do all the introductory stuff. We could just focus on us as a couple.”
“What was the beginning like?”
“Honestly...... I personally think it was really good.” Carter hesitated to answer. “I’d loved this woman for a long time and I was finally able to express that. To show that. She loved me too, we were going to have a baby. It was what I wanted for us for a while. I guess I just didn’t expect it to all happen so fast. But I think it was good.” He paused, looking at me. “Or at least I hope it was.”
I bit my lip and barely bent my head. “Is that not how you felt Genevieve?” I looked up at Elaine’s words and turned to Carter, his eyes watching me, wondering why I didn’t feel the same.
“No, it is. It was really good. Which actually surprised me because of how insane it all started. That’s not why I reacted like that. I swear.” I directed that at Carter. “But it’s hard to think about our early relationship and not think about his parents.” Carter squeezed my knee.
“Do you mind elaborating on that?” Elaine asked.
“Carter’s family.........” I turned to him, not knowing what he wanted me to share.
“They’re rich.” He finished for me. “Very rich. And my life had been planned for me since my older brother died as a kid. I was supposed to go to a good business school, take over the family foundation, marry a socialite, and that would be it. Instead, I chose to become a doctor, to help people. I chose Evie and our family.”
“And I assume your parents were not happy about this?”
I scoffed and shook my head. “That’s an understatement. I spent the first couple years of our relationship worried that someone from his family was going to call me a gold digger every time I saw them.”
“And how did that make you feel?”
“Like garbage. I knew it was going to be hard to fit into their world. But I was willing to try and they wrote me off before they even got to know me. Assumed because I was pregnant and we weren’t married that I was only after Carter for the money.”
“Is that still how they feel now?”
“No....... or at least I hope not. I think they finally realized I’m here for the long haul.”
“Evie is the best person I’ve ever had in my life.” Carter said firmly. “My Gamma was a close second, but Evie is the only one who has actually ever cared about me and not what I could do for them; what I could give to her. There were so many times she would have had every right to give up on me, to take Meghan and leave. But she never did.”
“Give up on you?” Elaine asked, probing the conversation to continue. Carter closed his eyes a moment and took a deep breath. This was the part I was worried about, the part I thought would definitely make him clam up and stop talking. “John?”
I squeezed his arm and Carter took a deep breath. “Two weeks after Meghan was born, Valentine’s Day, me and a med student were stabbed in the ER.” He paused. “Lucy. Her name was Lucy Knight.” He paused again, swallowing as I squeezed his knee, reassuring him that I was there. I think that was the first time he had said her name in a really long time. Maybe even since she died. “She...... she died and I lived. Got stabbed in the back twice. Kidney trauma. That time...... it was not good for us.”
“I would imagine not.” Elaine began, taking over for him. “Caring for a newborn is hard enough without recovering from such a traumatic event.”
“I started taking drugs.” Carter whispered, looking down at his lap. “I........ I was stealing drugs from the hospital. Whatever I could get my hands on to try and....... numb everything I guess. The pain in my back. The guilt of Lucy dying while I got to live. I-I knew what it would do to Evie if she found out......... And I don’t think I really cared.” He cleared his throat and blinked a few times.
“We don’t have to talk about this anymore.” I whispered, not wanting him to push himself on our first appointment, fearful he wouldn’t want to come back.
“We can move on for now if you want.” Elaine added.
“No. No, I might as well talk about it.” He cleared his throat again and sat up sharper. “I got caught and they had an intervention for me at work. They wanted me to go to rehab and I went, even though I didn’t really have a choice. It was either that or lose everything. I spent three months there away from Evie and Meghan, just trying to get through the program so I could get back to real life. Evie visited me once and I blamed her for everything. Yelled, was very angry. I think that’s when I realized just how badly I screwed up and I knew I had to at least try or I was going to lose everything. Evie held everything together for us. Raised our daughter, worked, lived with and helped my grandparents. It-It took us a while but we found our way back to each other, and I didn’t feel like I had to hold onto my family for dear life anymore.”
“Have you been sober this whole time?”
“I relapsed once. Took some pills at work once from a dead patient, but immediately threw them up. I’ve had alcohol very rarely since until a couple weeks ago. I...... I got drunk for the first time in a really long time.” He paused. “You know, I didn’t have nightmares when my grandfather died. Not when Mark and then my Gamma died. Hell, I didn’t even have horrible nightmares when Evie was attacked by a patient herself and had months of recovery ahead of her. But now..... I-I just can’t get the sight of her and her pregnant belly covered in blood out of my head. It's so vivid and real and....... and terrifying. I...... I think I tried to numb it again with the alcohol, like before, but it didn’t work. It just made me feel worse about myself. About everything. I felt like a failure for choosing to spend time getting drunk instead of going to be with my family.”
Elaine nodded before she turned to me. “Genevieve, is there anything else you would like to tell me about your relationship? Anything that has happened between you two?”
I gently rubbed Carter’s arm. “We tried for a while to have Brianna after we got married. We even thought we were going to have to go the medical route. Prepared for the idea of needing to do IUI or IVF. We didn’t know I was pregnant until I was in a coma from the attack. I-I still don’t remember what happened. Not really. All I know is a patient with a TBI got aggressive and got physical. I know...... I know it’s not the right way to think about this, but when I was in the hospital and after, Carter kind of repaid the favor of when I took care of him after his attack. He was by my side the whole time, took time off of work and everything. I..... I guess I just forgot after Brianna had to be born the way she did, that he wasn’t just scared of losing her that night, he was scared of losing me. And now, I think we’ve both just spent the last couple months trying to keep our heads above water, worried if we actually talked about everything, we both would drown like we should have a long time ago.”
Elaine inhaled deeply and shifted her posture. “Thank you both for telling me all of that. It gives me a good foundation for who you both are as a couple, which is the main reason we are here. But we will spend some time getting to know you both as individuals too. What I want to know now though is, how do you two communicate with each other? You both seem very good under most pressure, obviously. It’s the nature of your jobs. But how do you process it? How do you typically talk about problems or your relationship when you aren’t trying to just keep things together?”
“We talk.” I jumped in quickly. “We’ve always talked. We’re not avoiders, at least for the most part. We don’t make it a habit to shut each other out.”
“We don’t do the silent treatment.” Carter added. “We don’t normally do...... distance.”
“And what does that normally look like for you?”
“We debrief, I guess.” Carter shrugged.
“Debrief?”
“Like in the ER. We assess the damage, come up with a plan, and move forward.”
“And emotionally?”
“We don’t...... linger.” I said pressing my lips. “Not that we aren’t emotional with each other. We’re open with that. But typically, we only stay in our feelings for a little bit, and then we move on to the next. We’re intimate, not just sexually. We try to connect when we can. But the NICU...... the NICU feels different.”
“How?”
“It’s constant,” I said. “There’s no definitive end point. There’s not anything we can debrief on and fix. We’re just… just waiting on Brianna. Watching monitors. Counting ounces. Celebrating half-steps forward and then bracing for the next setback.” I swallowed. “Sometimes we pass each other in the parking lot like coworkers. Not like… us.” Carter’s fingers tightened slightly around my knee.
“And you all aren’t used to not being in control.” We both nodded. “This is important to realize. You both love each other. That’s very clear to me. But trauma, which both of you have experienced a lot of, it narrows things. Your nervous systems have been hard-wired to operate as if the next trauma is imminent. And it seems that maybe that has bled into your personal life.”
I nodded, feeling a tear run down my face.
“Today is not about fixing everything at once. It’s a process. Right now, we are creating the space where both of you are allowed to be affected by what’s happened to you. A safe, neutral space where you can actually process things.” Elaine turned to Carter. “What do you need from Evie right now?”
I could feel Carter hesitate, so I squeezed his arm again. “It’s okay. Tell me.”
Carter bit his lip and swallowed. “I need you to know that I want to get better. I want to be better not just for the girls, but for you. I don’t want to lose myself.” He paused. “I just don’t know how to do that sometimes.”
I nodded. “And Genevieve, what do you need from Carter right now?”
“I have had a one track mind lately. Just been spending all my time with Brianna. I need you to be honest with me if you don’t feel like you can do it yourself. If I can do more for you. I want to be the partner you need. I need you to tell me when you’re drowning. Not after.”
We spent the rest of the session going through the revised NICU schedule we had started to make. Elaine suggested we try and spend more time together now that Brianna was getting closer and closer to discharge. She suggested we sleep together more. Not in a sexual way, since I was still healing and neither of us were ready for that, but to make a serious effort to go to sleep whenever we could next to each other. We also talked about a weekly therapy schedule, at least for now while we were first working through everything.
“You are not choosing between everything. But it will require intention.”
By the time we were done, we were both wrung out. A couple of hours had passed and I was glad Carter didn’t have to go in today. But I also felt light, like a weight had been lifted now that we had finally said everything out loud. We thanked Elaine and promised to see her next week. The sun was shining a little brighter and the air was warm but not too warm by the time we walked outside and back to the Jeep. Once the doors were closed, we both let out a deep breath.
“We did it.” I whispered.
“We did.” Carter replied. He cupped my cheek. “I’m really proud of us.”
“Me too.” I smiled, before leaning in and kissing him. When we moved back, I bit my lip. “Do you want to go get lunch? Then we can go see Brianna.”
“I think that sounds like a great idea.”
For the first time in a long time, Carter wasn’t headed to work early because the nightmares made it impossible for him to sleep longer. No, he had actually slept pretty well that night, Evie wrapped in his arms even when Meghan came into their bedroom wanting to cuddle with her mom. He actually felt rested for once. The reason he decided to come in early was because he wanted to spend some time quality time alone with Brianna before the chaos of the holiday. Fourth of July meant that a lot of fun and unique traumas were pretty much guaranteed. He could use an hour of baby time before he dealt with cleaning up people’s stupidity for the day.
As he rode up into the ambulance bay on his bike, Luka was just stepping out of the ER, coffee in hand to keep him going for the last bit of his night shift. “What are you doing?” His friend asked as he dismounted his bike to lock it up.
“Wanted to get an early start to the day. Come check in on Bree before my shift starts. How’s the night shift going?”
“Ugly.” Luka groaned. “It’s been quiet for the last hour or so.”
“Well, that won’t last. Sunburns, blown-off fingers, potluck food poisoning. Nothing like the ER on the Fourth of July.”
“Sound like you’re looking forward to it.”
“Anytime you mix alcohol, gunpowder, and the great outdoors you’re in for a good time.”
“You seem better.” Luka said as Carter walked by, causing him to turn back around. “You been getting better sleep?”
“Uh, yeah.” He paused. He hadn’t expected to tell anyone about what happened yesterday, but Luka was a close friend. They'd been through a lot together. He would understand. “Uh, Evie and I started seeing a therapist.”
“Really?’
“Yeah.” He shrugged. “It’s brand new. But..... I think it might do us some good. Do me some good at least.”
“That’s good. I’m glad you guys are working through everything.”
“Yeah. Me too.” The sound of sirens grew louder until the rig pulled into the bay. “So much for quiet.” Carter pointed out, shouldering his bag, before turning. “I’ll tell Brianna you said hi. I’ll see you at change over!”
When Carter got upstairs to the NICU, he followed the same pattern he did every time: washed his hands thoroughly and gowned up, even though he knew it would be gone soon when he held Brianna. Veronica greeted him as he walked towards the isolette, and he smiled when he saw that his baby girl was already wide awake.
“Hi sweetie.” He cooed and immediately stuck his hand inside. “How are you doing this morning?” Bree began to wiggle at the sound of his voice and started to whine a bit, knowing that he was supposed to pick her up now that he was here. “I know, I know. You have your father’s patience.” He carefully removed her from the isolette in a way that had become second nature after all this time and brought her to his chest. Brianna immediately grabbed a hold of his shirt with both her fists, and as he sat down, she started lifting her head.
“Look at how strong you are Bug.” He cooed again, drawing circles on her back. “Man, you should be out of here in no time. Sorry Mommy isn’t here right now. I wanted to let her and your sister sleep so I could have some Daddy/Brianna time all to myself.” He carefully nuzzled the top of her head. “We won’t get this time when you come home, because I know your sister is going to be obsessed with you and won’t let you out of her sight. We’ll just cuddle for a bit and then I’ll change your diaper and do all our morning routine stuff before I head down to work. How does that sound?”
As if she understood him, Brianna let out a tiny cry before her head went back down to his chest. Carter chuckled and kissed her again.
“I’ll take that as a yes.”
When I woke up, it didn’t take long, even in my post wake up haze, to realize that while my side of the bed was quite full thanks to the four year old pressed into my aching chest, the other side was empty. Cold even. I looked around the room until my eyes adjusted to the dim light of early morning. The bathroom light wasn’t even on. Carter didn’t have to go in until later, right? I turned to look at the bedside clock. That’s when I spotted a note placed next to my awaiting and prepared pump and water bottle.
Headed in early to spend some time with Bree. Cleaned your pump for you and left some donuts downstairs for breakfast. They had Fourth of July colors so I couldn’t resist. I’ll see you later. Wish me luck. I have a feeling today’s gonna be crazy.
Love John
A smile spread across my face as I read the letter again, my heart truly happy for the first time in a while. “When is the ER never not busy on Fourth of July?” I mumbled to myself as I put it down. Running a soft hand over her head, I left Meghan asleep, carefully moving over to Carter’s side so I could prop myself up to pump and not wake her. We had moved to mainly nursing when I was in the NICU, but my supply had gotten so big that I still needed to pump routinely. It also was nice to give Carter the chance to occasionally feed her a bottle when she could handle it. The first time it happened, my heart melted at the sight. Carter had looked so happy. I wondered if he would get to feed her while he was there this morning.
The light whirl and hiss of the pump started to fill the room as I closed my eyes again. I didn’t fall back asleep; there was no way I could with this thing tugging on my sore breasts. I just kind of lived in the peace of the moment. My family was okay, I told myself. My husband and my baby were at the hospital, spending some bonding time together. My oldest was passed out next to me, probably dreaming of unicorns and princesses. And me, I was just enjoying the quiet, imagining just how good those donuts were going to be when we got downstairs.
Malik had been right when he said Carter was on fire today. After his hour with Brianna, he had come downstairs and jumped right into the day, doing everything from sutures to saving the new med students from Morris’ teaching. Maybe that old adage about those who can’t do, teach, wasn’t as true as he thought. Carter was just at least glad that Pratt was back. Even if he thought the younger doctor was back a little too soon, it was nice to have another competent person around, easily in the Fourth of July mess.
“Alright. Fall to outstretched arm, earache, belly pain and vomiting.” Pratt listed out, handing out charts to the new med students. “Go, go. Make me proud. First one to kill a patient buys me lunch.”
“I didn’t expect you back so soon.” Carter said, moving back to Pratt’s side from the board.
“A guy can only play so much Xbox.”
"How’s the head?”
“Hard as a rock.”
“Yeah? No headaches? No dizziness?” He listed off, checking on the computer for results.
“No, man. I’m cool. Beside I wouldn’t miss this for the world. July’s my favorite month. New interns, new med students. I know more than any of the newbies this time of year.”
“That’s not necessarily a good thing.” Carter scoffed. “Hey, uh, how’s Deb?”
“I think she’s good.”
Carter furrowed his brow. “Yeah? You talk to her?” But Pratt didn’t get a chance to answer.
“Carter! Pratt! Twenty-four-year-old male. Stabbing victim.” A paramedic yelled out as the two men rushed over.
“I ain’t no victim!” The man on the gurney yelled even though he was actively bleeding. “The other guy’s the victim. Do I look like a victim?”
“Settle down.” Pratt warned him, picking up the chart.
“You settle down! And let me the hell up.”
“Woah, woah, woah. You could be seriously injured here.” Carter said, pushing him back down.
“I’ve been shot six times before.”
“118/78. Pulse, 86. Mild tenderness.”
“I’m bulletproof!”
“94 on two liters.”
“I got the bulletproof monk.” Pratt told Carter.
“You sure?”
“Yes.”
Carter watched Pratt walk down the hall with the gurney, already making orders and looking like he had never left. He smiled softly before removing his gloves and heading back towards the desk. Luka met him there, looking exhausted and ready to get home. Carter couldn’t blame him. When he came back down from the NICU, he thought he saw Luka sitting at the small desk, sunglasses on his face, trying to hide the fact that he was sleeping.
“Last patient.” Luka groaned, handing over the chart. “Couldn’t get rid of him.”
“You’re leaving me Mr. Body Fluids?” Carter whined.
“Sorry.”
Carter rolled his eyes and took a quick look at the board before going through the charts to double check where they were at in treatment. “Dr. Carter, what’s the special of the day?” Ray asked, joining him at the desk as Luka finally left.
“58-year-old found in the street with a blood alcohol of 500 and a foot drop. Neurology won’t take him until Neurosurg clears him. And they won’t come until he sobers.”
“What about an MRI to rule out cord compression?” Ray asked, taking the chart from him.
“They’re gridlocked upstairs."
“What am I supposed to do?”
Carter sighed. “Babysit. Hang a banana bag. And I would hunt around for a mop and a bucket.” Carter could hear Frank chuckle as he walked away. God, he was never more excited to not be a resident then moments like this.
“Hi baby girl.”
I smiled at Brianna through the isolette and gently brushed my finger over her arm as I greeted her. Even with the high flow cannula on her face, she tried smiling, wiggling her body now that I was here. Almost like she was showing off. After fifty-nine days in the NICU, I never expected to be happy like this again, let alone watching my baby girl thrive. She seemed to be doing really good today. Maybe, if things continued as they were, she could be discharged before her original due date. Brianna wiggled again, like she was trying to get me to focus back on her, and I laughed.
“Yes sweetheart. I see you. You must be doing good today to be this awake.”
“She sure is.” Miriam laughed as she walked up next to me. “Veronica started turning do the isolette temperature last night.”
My eyes went wide as my head snapped to look at her. “What? R-Really?”
“Yep. And Baby Bree here has been handling it really well. We are going to continue slowly turning down the temperature throughout the day, and if she can handle it, we're going to try and see if she can be moved to an open crib.”
My throat got tight and I squeezed the side of the isolette. An open crib was a huge step for Brianna, one we had desperately been waiting for. It meant that she could keep herself regulated. It meant we would be one giant step closer to her getting out of the NICU. To finally being home as a complete family. I wiped a stray tear from my face.
“Does that mean we can’t do her bath and vitals today?”
“Oh no, we can still do that. And she’d defiantly going to be ready to nurse after we’re done. She took some ounces earlier with Dad, but you can tell she’d much rather have you.”
I smiled at that. “That sounds perfect. I’ve been missing her too.”
The two of us did our usual checks like we did every day per our routine. Brianna kept wiggling, causing the both of us to laugh. It wasn’t until I finally had her in my arms that she calmed down. The moment we were skin to skin, she let out a sweet, content little sigh and relaxed into my hold. She quickly found a good latch and began to nurse deeply, her hand open against my breast, just like Meghan used to do when she was this small.
“This is what you wanted, huh?” I softly asked her. “Just wanted your mommy?” Her big, sweet eyes looked up at me. “I bet you really liked getting to spend time with your daddy this morning. Just the two of you without me hovering.” Brianna let out a grunt, but continued to nurse. “That’s what I thought.” I chuckled again. “That’s okay. I like your dad too. We have our moments, but most of the time, he’s pretty great. He does a lot for us.”
I gently brushed her sweet, downy hair. It had slowly gotten thicker over the last couple of months, but it still held that baby sweetness and fuzz. “You can do this baby girl. I know you can. I can tell you want to go home. That you want to meet your big sister. We’ve just got to get through these last few hurdles to get there. But I know you can do it. Because you’re my daughter. You come from a long line of strong women and you’re even named after a very strong woman. A very strong Carter woman.”
Bending down, I carefully nuzzled the top of her head as she continued to nurse. “You’ve got this. We’re gonna be okay.”
Carter let out a deep sigh as he grabbed onto the edge of the admit desk. He didn’t want to tell Pratt he came back too early; he too knew that feeling of wanting to get back to work after a major injury. But based on how slow he was moving today, how out of it he still seemed, Carter knew it was only a matter of time before he sent Pratt home for his own good and the good of their patients. He took another deep breath, hands on the back of his neck, before opening his eyes and spotting Abby and Ray talking over in curtains. It looked like the interns were fighting. Taking a deep breath, he walked over. Duty calls.
“What happened to the drunk with the foot?” Carter asked as he walked toward them. He hadn’t realized Ray had actually taken care of things like Carter had asked him too.
“MRI.” Ray shrugged, looking smug.
“I thought they were booked?” Carter asked, picking up this new patient’s chart and scanning through it.
“I pulled a few strings.”
“You should pull a few more and get this guy one.” Abby quickly added.
“What’s his problem?”
“Nothing.” Ray sighed. “He collided with another cyclist. His neuro’s non-focal, responds to commands well.”
“He seems altered to me.” Abby suggested otherwise. Great. Now Carter was going to have to get in the middle.
“Did he get knocked out?”
“He just said he didn’t hit his head.”
“Carter!” He looked up, seeing Malik waving him over. Thank God, he thought as he put down the chart and walked over. Abby and Ray were capable enough of figuring this out themselves. He’d come check on them later.
“Forty-five-year-old, GSW to the head following a liquor store holdup.” The paramedic explained as he ran over.
“Is this the prep?” Carter hadn’t realized that Ray followed him over.
“No. He got away. This guy’s the hero.”
“Derek tried to help the store owner.” The distraught woman that came in with the patient told Carter as he began pulling on gloves.
“You the wife?”
“Girlfriend.”
“Okay. BP 100/60, tachy to 115.” Ray read from the chart.
“Abby you want to run this?” Carter called out, knowing Ray needed to go back to his cyclist patient. Maybe the time apart would do the interns some good. “Dr. Barnett, get that head CT just to be safe.” He called out as he, Abby, Malik, and the paramedics headed for the Trauma room.
After our nursing session, we did skin to skin for a little while before I laid Brianna back in the isolette. And then, it was a waiting game. Every hour Miriam came in and gradually turned down the temperature of the isolette. And every time Brianna tolerated the change, the more I thought my heart was going to jump out of my chest through my throat. We even put one of the hospital hats on her just to give her a little extra something. She did have an apnea spell around noon, but thankfully that didn’t reset the clock on her transferring because she recovered very quickly.
I really wanted to go downstairs, find Carter and tell him what was happening. Wanted him to witness this, especially when they wheeled the crib over. But I knew the ER was probably chock full of patients. I might not be able to find my husband, let alone be able to pull him away for a few minutes. The decision to do this by myself still didn’t make it any less scary when Miriam came back over for a final time.
“You ready mom?” I nodded quickly. Miriam carefully adjusted Brianna’s high flow cannula and the couple of monitors she still wore. “Why don’t you do the honors?” She said, nodding her head towards Brianna.
Honestly, I think I was holding my breath as I carefully picked Brianna up from the isolette. My hands were shaking as I slowly lifted her, careful of everything attached to her, just like I always did. But instead of putting her on me, I transferred her over to the crib. The crib felt absolutely enormous, somehow bigger then the isolette. The thin mattress and the clear sides seemed like it was going to swallow up my poor little baby.
Brianna startled momentarily as her back hit the crib mattress. She made a small little whine that quickly quieted as she wiggled and rubbed her hand over her face. She looked exposed. Too out in the open after having something covering her for the majority of the time we’d been in the NICU. I adjusted her blanket and her little hat. When I finally stepped back, I realized that I had definitely been holding my breath. I was waiting for something to happen. But it didn’t. Her oxygen held. Her heartrate was steady on the monitors. She was holding.
Brianna looked like the baby I had originally pictured in my head when I thought about her.
Tears began to silently fall as my hands clenched the sides of the cribs as I watched her wiggle. She didn’t look distressed or sad. She actually looked happy. Like she knew she was free. I felt a hand on my shoulder and turned, seeing Miriam with a smile on her face. “She’s doing the work now. We’ll monitor her temperature really closely. But if she holds as well as she has been, this will be a major step in going home.”
I nodded and turned back to Brianna. She let out a tiny, dramatic yawn. Her jaw widened before she smacked her lips and settled. I ran my finger over her soft cheek and smiled down at her.
I knew you could do it.
Could this day get any longer?
This shift already felt like he was moving at the speed of molasses; so many patients and it felt like the clock was frozen in place. And all he wanted to do was to go home and be with his wife and his daughter. Or go upstairs and spend more time with Bree like he had this morning. Ever since Bree’s NICU stay had started, all of this started to feel really small in comparison to his own family. It made him start to long for that feeling that he had when he went to Africa.
As he leaned his head against the cool soda machine, not bothering to pick up his soda out of the dispenser yet, he thought about what it would be like to go back. To work for something bigger than this. What it would be like to bring his family this time. Of course they would have to make sure Brianna wasn’t so little and that her health was okay. But the idea of taking his family there, or maybe just Evie, suddenly felt like a really good idea. He let out a sigh and bent to grab his soda from the machine when he noticed the medical student about to give nitro to a teen.
Pratt.
After stopping the new guy from making a horrible mistake, he had to track down Pratt and let him know what had almost just happened. He found the resident sitting in exam two, the lights partially off as he worked on a chart. “Comfortable?” Carter asked, storming into the room. “I just prevented one of your med students from giving nitroglycerin to a 17-year-old on your recommendation.”
“I didn’t tell him to do that.”
“You have to be specific with these kids.” And he almost flinched when Lucy’s face flashed through his head.
“Sorry.” Pratt quietly said and looked back to his chart.
Carter sighed and put his hands in his pockets, feeling the cold of the soda can that rested inside. “You all right?”
“Just a headache.”
“I thought you said you weren’t having those.”
“Only when I’m working here.”
Carter ground his teeth together. “Okay, go home.”
“Oh, come on.” Pratt scoffed. “Come on. No harm, no foul. I’ll keep an eye on him.”
“You have been dragging your ass all day.”
“I’ve had time-consuming cases.”
“Maybe you came back too soon.” Carter replied, but a small part of him called himself a hypocrite. People could say the same thing about him after what happened with Evie and Brianna. After the attack. Maybe...... maybe he was trying to save Pratt from turning into him. “So go home. Get yourself in shape before you fix anybody else.”
“Look, you can’t afford to send me home.” Pratt argued. “I’m worth two other doctors and three interns.”
“Not today you’re not. Go home. I’ll find somebody else to cover the end of your shift.” He turned and walked away from Pratt. He reached for the unopened can in his pants pocket, but before he could pull it out, he was stopped again.
“Hey.” Abby started, walking up next to him. “The biker’s blood work came back. HIV-positive. No good for organ donation.”
“That’s too bad. Frank, can call Kovac and get him to come in and finish the rest of Pratt’s shift?”
“Sure. Make me the holiday hatchet man.” Frank grumbled his reply.
“Do you guys have any special plans for this evening?” Abby asked as Carter pulled out a pen to write on a chart.
“Uh..... I think Evie wants to order pizza. We got a couple sparklers for Meghan. And there’s the Cubs/White Sox game.”
“Oh okay.” She paused. “Because I was thinking about going to a meeting then getting something to eat. You’re welcome to join me.”
Carter smiled and shook his head. But before he could reply, they were interrupted by Ray. “Did you order a tox screen on my patient?”
“Which one?” Abby asked, fanning innocence.
“You know which one. Tunny.”
“The altered bike courier.” Abby told Carter when she noticed he was watching the two interns. Carter just looked away and pulled down the board like it was none of his business.
“You can’t order tests on my patients behind my back. Urinalysis was negative for opiates, benzos, PCP, cannabis, cocaine, amphetamines, you name it.”
“Okay.” Abby shrugged. “So now we know.”
“No. What we know is this is the second time you’ve been wrong about my patients today. And you know what? It’s the last. You treat your cases and I’ll treat mine.”
Carter raised his eyebrows and had to bite his lip as Ray walked away. Abby crossed her arms and turned back to him. “You believe this guy?”
“Hey..... if you have a problem with a Resident’s workup take it up with the Attending.”
“It’s easier just to fix it.” Carter gave her a look. “That’s what the nurses do.” She shrugged. “Your own wife has caught more mistakes than most.”
“You’re gonna have to work with this guy for the next four years.”
“Dr. Carter?”
He turned, seeing the biker’s girlfriend standing on the other side of the desk. He handed Abby his chart. “I suggest that you figure out a way of getting along with him.” He walked over the woman who had been joined by an older man with a cane.
“This is Douglas James. He’s a friend of Derek and me.”
“Hi.”
“Hi.”
“Douglas is waiting for a liver. And him and Derek have the same blood type.”
“Right.” Carter sighed. He put his hands in his pockets again. The can had now grown lukewarm. “I’m sorry. We screened Derek and we found that he is non-eligible as a donor.”
“Because of his HIV?”
“Yes.”
“I’m HIV-positive too.” The other man began. “I’ve been taking interferon for hepatitis C, but they’ve given me three months without a transplant.”
Carter stuttered. “Well, direct donations are not encouraged.”
“I’m HIV-positive. You really think anyone’s ever gonna give me a liver?”
When Dubenko, the new surgical attending, had turned him down for the transplant, Carter knew he should have just stopped right there. The stink bomb currently smelling up the ER seemed to be some kind of omen. But he knew he had to give it his all. The guy deserved to get the liver he needed if the organ was there, HIV-positive or not. It was still technically illegal, but wouldn’t be for long. Elizabeth turned him down at first. But after trying to appease to her empathy, he hit her with her own ego and her own current anger at Weaver, and she was a go. That gave Carter a rush he hadn’t had in a while.
After sending the guy up for surgery, he headed back to the desk. Abby had tried to convince him to join her at the meeting, but honestly, he felt okay. Maybe..... maybe Evie was right about this whole therapy thing. Maybe it actually would help. He was flipping through papers back at the desk when he heard a familiar voice.
“Hey.” Susan called out cheerfully. Carter turned and a huge smile spread across his face, seeing her and then the little boy in her arms.
“Hey. What are you doing here?” He leaned in and kissed her cheek, putting a gentle hand on Cosmo’s back.
“Oh, pediatrician visit.” Carter nodded. “Somebody was being checked for Pyloric stenosis.”
“Hey, Cosmo.” Carter cooed. “How’s he doing?”
“Oh, good. Just reflux. Oh, hi, Frank.” The older man smiled at her and the baby.
“So, wow, you look great.”
“Oh, thanks. How’s it going?” She walked eagerly over to the board.
“Twelve new med students. How do you think?”
“How’s Evie? And Brianna?”
“Evie’s good. Feeling better, moving around better. Brianna’s down to high flow oxygen now.”
“That’s great!” She paused and her eyes darted around the ER. “Is Chuny or Haleh around?”
“Yeah. Chuny’s around. Why? You need a nurse?”
“Well, I just need somebody to watch him before my bladder bursts.”
Carter scoffed. “I could do it.”
“Are you sure? Because he can be really cranky?”
“Susan, you forget, I’ve been doing this parenting thing longer than you.” He chuckled, holding out his hands for the baby.
“Okay. Well, you’ll need this because he spits up.” Susan explained, handing over Cosmo and then draping a burp cloth over Carter’s shoulder. “That’s what he does basically: spit, poop, eat, sleep, repeat.”
“I think all babies do that.” Carter smiled, adjusting Cosmo in his grip. He wasn’t used to holding a baby so big anymore. Brianna felt absolutely miniscule compared to Cosmo.
“Well, it’s just like his daddy.” Susan teased.
“How is Chuck taking to fatherhood?”
“You mean motherhood? I swear the guy’s more maternal than I am.” She handed over the diaper bag too. “Thanks. I’ll be right back.” Susan added before hustling toward the bathroom.
“Hey buddy.” Carter cooed, bouncing Cosmo slightly as the boy held himself up pretty well against Carter’s shoulder. “You’re a pretty chill baby.” He chuckled. “You know, this is probably the closest I’ll ever get to having a baby boy. Seems like all I can make are girls. But that’s okay. I can just borrow you when your mom needs a break.” He turned and leaned up against the counter. “You were supposed to be older than my daughter, but I guess she wanted to beat you too it. But don’t be getting any ideas. Just because you guys will be in the same grade, doesn’t mean you can hang around with her. And no funny business.” He joked. “I know where you live.”
“You ready to see the fireworks baby?”
“Yeah!”
I chuckled as Meghan ran a little ahead of me. “Slow down kid. Mommy is tired and we need to be careful up here.” Meghan stopped and sighed, already a little teenager at 4 years old. I laughed again and grabbed her hand as I walked up to her. But as we rounded the corner, I stopped quickly, seeing a man I didn’t recognize sitting in a lawn chair. And for some reason, he had a guitar. “Uh..... hi.” I said, confused, grabbing Meghan’s shoulders and pulling her back to me as I eyed the man. “Who are you?”
“Ray Barnett.” He said without missing a beat or looking up for his guitar. “I work down in the ER.”
“Really?” I scoffed. “You a new intern?”
“Yeah. What gave it away?” He smirked, looking up at me this time.
“Because I know everyone down in that ER except for the new interns and med students. I’m an RN. Genevie Carter, but everyone calls me Evie. This is my daughter Meghan.”
“So you’re the famous Evie everyone’s been whispering about?” He looked me up and down before biting his lip. “Well, they did get at least one thing right.”
I raised my eyebrow. “Oh yeah? What’s that?”
“You are defiantly way out of your husband’s league.”
I let out a chuckle and shook my head. Normally I wouldn’t care for such an inappropriate comment from someone who was technically a colleague. But I had spent the last 59 days going back and forth between home and the NICU, not really caring what I looked like. Most days I forgot when I last showered, had breastmilk all over me, or circles under my eyes. Honestly, a compliment from a stranger felt good right now.
“So.... Meghan, right?” Ray asked, looking at my daughter.
“Yep!” She responded, smiling big.
“Want a hotdog?”
She quickly turned to look up at me. “Please Mommy? I’m starving.”
“Well we can’t have that.” Ray groaned. “I mean, what’s the Fourth of July without a hotdog?”
“Please.” Meghan pouted, bouncing up and down a little.
I looked from her to Ray. He seemed pretty harmless. Carter hadn’t mentioned him yet, either because he hadn’t gotten a read on him yet or because he was too busy to care. “Okay. Why not?” I sighed.
“Yay!” Meghan cheered and ran over to Ray. He sat down the guitar for a moment and helped her get a hotdog together. Even had all the needed condiments. Man, did this guy live here or something?
“Care for one?” He asked, pushing one of the dogs closer to me with his cooking utensil.
“No thanks. But I appreciate you sharing with my daughter.”
“Hey, no problem. She’s a cute kid. Takes after you.”
“Yeah. Yeah she does.”
“What about your baby?” My head snapped up and his lips pursued together. “Sorry. I heard about what happened. I guess that’s why you haven’t been working, huh?”
“Uh, yeah. I’ve been spending most of my days up in the NICU with Brianna. That’s.... That’s her name. She looks a lot more like Carter.”
“She doing alright?”
“She’s getting there.” I nodded, walking over to the other lawn chair. “She was moved to an open crib today, which is a good sign.”
“Congratulations. The kid has good timing with the holiday.”
I chuckled. “Yeah, I guess she wanted to celebrate with the fireworks.” Ray started fiddling with his guitar, playing different things while Meghan captively watched, her chewing slowing and her hot dog now second rate to the show she was getting. “Are you in a band?”
“Uh, yeah. At least we’re trying to be.”
“You’re good.” I paused. “Or at least by four year old standards. I’ve never seen her so entranced.”
“Power of live music. Gets ya every time.” He held up his guitar to Meghan. “Meg, you wanna try?”
“Yeah!” Meghan quickly passed me her forgotten hot dog and went up to Ray, grabbing the neck of the guitar as he carefully showed her what to do. It made me chuckle again. Meghan had a thing for trusting the “bad boy” type. Hell, she’d considered Malucci Uncle Dave while he’d been here. Maybe she saw the good in them. I just really hoped it wouldn’t transfer to her dating life. God help us if she brought one of them home to meet Carter.
“What are you doing?”
Speak of the devil. I turned and there was my husband, his eyes moving from me to Meghan and Ray. When she caught sight of her dad, Meghan’s eyes went wide and she left Ray, running straight for him. “Daddy!” She yelled and ran right into his arms, Carter hoisting her into the air. “We came to watch the fireworks.” She enthusiastically told him.
“Really? No invite for me?”
“I was about to text you, I swear.” I said in defense. “We just got a little sidetracked with hotdogs and music.” I motioned to Ray.
“Yeah, about that...... now, what are you doing?”
“Just chilling.” Ray shrugged. “Showing your daughter how to play.”
Carter took in the lawn chairs and the grill and the cooler. “Looks like you’re all moved in up here.”
“Yeah. Well, the rent’s right. And, hey, you can’t beat the view.”
“Well, while you’ve been up here on your little cookout, your patient Mr. Henderson has been circling the drain.” He sat Meghan down and she ran to me, taking back the half-eaten hot dog. “He needs dopamine and a trip to the ICU.”
“He’s a DNR.” Ray responded. “His daughter’s bringing the paperwork from Milwaukee.”
Carter genuinely looked like he was stunned. “Oh.” He nodded. Meghan walked over and offered him her hot dog, which he grabbed and took a dramatic bite from, causing her to laugh and shriek.
“That’s mine!” She laughed loudly.
“Don’t worry kiddo, I’ve got plenty to go around.” Ray told her. He looked from the cooler to Carter. “Want a beer?”
Carter swallowed slowly and shook his head. “No. Thank you.” He mumbled. He handed the food back to Meghan and kissed the top of her head, his eyes quickly catching mine as I gave him a small smile. He walked over to me and I lifted my head up so he could kiss me. “How’s Bree doing?” He asked, as he moved away from my lips.
“Good.” I said and smiled. “Meghan, you want to tell your Dad our news about sissy?”
“She’s in a crib!” Meghan said excitedly. “Mommy showed me a picture and everything!”
“Really?” Carter asked, a smile growing on his face. I nodded and pulled out my phone, going quickly to the photo I had taken and showing him. He took my phone and just stared at the picture for a minute. “This is great.” He mumbled before kissing the top of my head.
“They said she’s making a lot of good progress.” I bit my lip before I looked up at him and smiled. “Hopefully it won’t be long before we’re talking about starting going home protocol.”
“That’s why we came to watch fireworks.” Meghan explained, shoving the rest of the hot dog in her mouth. “To celebrate.” She said with her mouth full.
“Well, that is definitely something to celebrate.” Carter chuckled. He turned to me. “She look okay?” He quietly asked.
“Yeah.” I nodded, my throat getting a little tight. “I know this sounds kind of bad, but...... she-she actually looks and feels like a really baby now.” Carter nodded and leaned in, kissing the top of my head and hugging me tightly. We stood like that for a while until he hugged me again.
“You aren’t really living in the hospital, are you?” Carter asking, looking over at Ray.
“Why? Would that be a problem?” He asked, sounding almost nervous.
“Might be a problem for Dr. Weaver.”
“Yeah, she has the place sprayed for interns every quarter.” I added, chuckling.
That’s when a loud boom sounded from off in the distance.
“Mommy look!” Meghan shouted and pointed, just as color began to explode in the sky. Carter grabbed her and held her up, our little girl snuggling her head into his neck as she watched the sky, fully enraptured. Carter snaked his hand around my back as brought me close it him as the fireworks picked up steam, coming faster than before. He gently kissed the top of my head. It would have been an absolute perfect moment if we just had Brianna with us.
“Happy Fourth of July.” Ray called from behind us as he began plucking the notes of the Star Spangled Banner.
“Yeah, you too.” Carter mumbled back.
“We’re going to be okay.” I whispered so only my husband could here. He responded with a nod. And for the first time in a very long time, I actually meant it. Truly believed that everything would start to actually be okay.
love this fic so much!!!! are you gonna write carter season 15 storyline or are you ending this at season 11??? 🫶
Hi!
I plan to go all the way through Season 15 and I even have lots of ideas for after Season 15, even up to present times. ☺️ So that means silver fox John Carter, grown up kids, and so much more! 😉
I also may or may not have alternate universe ideas we can maybe explore.......
For the first time since moving to Chicago, I was actually glad I didn't have a car. Though the walk into work this morning was a little crazy, and I had to leave a little earlier than normal, it was kind of neat to walk through the insane amount of snow. It also beat trying to dig out a vehicle. Obviously in Ohio, we had snowstorms. But there was something about my first one in Chicago being right before Christmas that felt a little bit magical. Well magical in spite of the fact that my fingers were freezing. Maybe my first Christmas without some kind of family nearby wouldn't be so bad.
Rounding the corner, the ambulance bay came into sight as I trudged through the snow. I had to wipe my face and hat to clear the snow that was steadily falling down, so I didn't see the snowball flying towards me until it had already exploded against my arm. I looked up and found Carter standing behind a snow bank, laughing hard. Almost to the point where he was bent over. Taking the opportunity since he was so preoccupied, I quickly bent down and balled up some snow. Throwing it towards him, I started laughing when I got lucky and it hit him right in the face.
A full blown snowball war broke out between the two of us. The ambulance bay was filling not only with snow, but with our laughter as we ran around pelting each other with the fluffy white snow. But before long, I made my way towards the doors, knowing I needed to get inside and get my shift started. I ducked inside as Carter let one finally snowballs fly, hitting the doors.
"Giving up so quickly?" Carter chuckled, following me and peeling off his coat as I did mine.
"Some of us have to go into work like adults." I replied, pushing through the lounge doors.
"Hey, I've been here for two hours waiting for you to show up. I've been bored out of my mind."
"Oh come on. It can't be that bad."
"There are literally no patients."
"Oh come on." I scoffed. "This is County. We always have patients."
"Not today." Carter confirmed as I closed my locker shut with my things inside. I shook my head and peeked out the blinds into the hallway. Sure enough, there wasn't anyone. No one walking the halls, no one lying on gurneys. The ER was absolutely dead. Slowly, I turned to Carter.
"No patients." I paused, my body going a little bit into shock at that realization.
"No patients." He confirmed again, walking over to the coffee pot. "Here. This will warm you up."
"Thanks." I replied, taking the mug from him. The liquid was warm and comforting, more so than it's usual bitter taste. "So, what's the plan if we don't have any patients?"
"Well, I don't know about you, but I'm going to catch up on some sleep."
I chuckled. "Long night?"
"Yes!" Carter groaned. "Benton's giving me all these random procedures to study. I spend most of my time looking them up before I can actually study them."
"Well, let me know if you need any help. I was a master studier in college."
"I might take you up on that offer." Carter smiled. He walked over to his locker and put up his jacket, pulling out his lab coat and putting it back on. "If you decide you want a rematch, come wake me up. I'll be happy to kick your butt again."
"As if, Carter. I was totally winning." I scoffed.
"Sure. Sure." He hummed, walking over to the door. "Whatever you've got to tell yourself."
I rolled my eyes as he walked from the lounge. Quickly, I grabbed a magazine off the table and walked out to punch my time card. Once that was done, I took up a spot at the desk, propping up my feet as I continued drinking my coffee and began reading my magazine. This must be what other people feel like at work. Most people aren't constantly stressed and on the edge like we typically were here.
"Hey Gen." I looked up and noticed Mark standing in front of me. I noticed his hands were full of supplies. "Where's Carter?"
"Uh, in the on-call room trying to catch up on sleep." I put down my magazine and went to stand. "Anything I can help with?" I asked, mostly because I was bored out of my mind.
"Nah." Mark waved me off as Susan joined him with additional supplies. "Just make sure no one comes in to wake him up until we're done."
I furrowed my brows as the two of them hustled down the hall, dawning headlamps as they went into the dark room. I didn't really understand what they were up to until they came out snickering thirty minutes later.
When Carter ran out of the on-call room and immediately fell thanks to the bulky new cast on his leg, I will freely admit I was one of the people who laughed the hardest.
"This is not funny!"
But that only made me laugh harder as I inspected Mark and Susan's handy work from my spot on the stool. "Yes it is." I finally wheezed out. "You know it is. Come on, you had to have known they were going to haze you a little bit. I'm just surprised they waited this long to do it."
"No, Doug has done stuff before this." He groaned, trying to tear at the cast again. "Just nothing like this."
"Well, then think of it like this: maybe this means they really do like you." I paused, standing up and going to him. "I mean, they wouldn't mess with you if they didn't like you."
Carter scoffed. "Yeah, but you like me and you don't pull pranks on me." The moment those words left his mouth, Carter's eyes went wide when he realized how close I was. Quickly, I pushed him over and the weight of the cast sent him almost tumbling off the gurney.
As he struggled, I took the opportunity to run from the room. "I'll help you get it off when it dries!" I called out as I ran back into the hub. I wanted there to be witnesses if he decided to retaliate. I was almost to the hub when Lydia's voice came over the loudspeaker.
"ER staff, sat. ER staff, sat."
I frowned and kept walking, noticing a crowd forming around the desk. That's when I saw Carol. "Show us! Show us!" Everyone was chanting. I was able to worm my way into the group and see as Carol held out her hand, a big, gorgeous, diamond ring on her finger. I gasped with the others. Damn, I knew doctors made good money but it was nice to see Dr. Taglieri had taste too.
"Congratulations!" Mark exclaimed, moving through the crowd to hug her. "You and Tag are gonna be very happy."
"Oh, thank you." Carol beamed. The other nurses and I hugged her, so happy for our fearless leader, when suddenly the room felt like it dropped in degrees, literally and figuratively.
"Hey Doug." Mark called out, almost like he was warning the group. "Hi Linda." We all turned our heads to watch the doctor and a woman in a bright red hooded coat walk towards us. We all knew that Carol and Doug had had a falling out, but I didn't know why. But honestly if I asked Lydia or Haleh, I'd know by the end of the day.
"Hey guys." Doug replied, walking over, pulling out his trademark, charming smile. "What's the occasion?"
"John Taglieri and I are getting married." Carol quickly and confidently replied.
He tried not to show it, but I could tell that was not what Doug expected to hear. He scoffed, but smiled. "That's great. Congratulations."
"Thanks."
It was awkwardly silent after that and thankfully Susan had the courage to break it. "How was Jamaica?" She asked. Doug had been gone the last week on vacation.
"The Bahamas." The woman he was with corrected. "It was fabulous. We went wind surfing."
"And I got sunburned." Doug added, still looking at Carol.
"The snorkeling was incredible."
"Lots of jellyfish."
"You gonna tell them about that groin pull too?"
"Groin pull?" Mark asked, looking genuinely concerned.
"Hey, congratulations again. You guys are going to be very happy." Doug said and leaned forward, kissing Carol on the cheek. I had to hold in my scoff. The audacity of this man.
"Thanks."
"I'm going to go take a nap." He told the other woman. He didn't even bother to kiss her as he walked away. I shook my head, watching him as he disappeared into the lounge. Everyone was starting to disperse from the desk, so I walked over to Carol.
"Hey, congratulations." I told her, giving her a smile. "The ring is beautiful."
"Thanks Evie." She said, giving me a smile. "Where's the puppy dog?"
I chuckled, knowing immediately who she was talking about. "Asleep in the on-call room. You missed it earlier. Mark and Susan gave him a leg cast while he was asleep." Carol laughed, shaking her head. "I've got to go check on him later. See if the cast is finally dry enough to saw off."
I never actually got the chance to help Carter take off the cast.
A day that had been spent playing snowball fights, pulling pranks, and stool soccer suddenly turned into the first mass casualty event I had ever witnessed at County. Hell, witnessed in my whole career. In school, they try to prepare you for this kinds of situations. Tell you what to expect, how to handle a large amount of patients quickly and at one time. But no one prepares you for how it feels to hold a little kid while they are sobbing and in pain because their parents can't be found. Nothing prepares you to see mangled, amputated limbs. To quickly change your trauma gown twice in the span of five minutes. To have to put a black tag on someone's body because they came in DOA from the scene.
It's hard to believe one rogue vehicle caused all of this.
When it finally started to slow down, when most of the patients had either been discharged or sent upstairs, I went looking for Carter, hoping he hadn't had to spend every moment of this hell with that thing on his leg. That would have really not been fun. I was about to check the exam room, when I heard the whirl of the cast saw coming from room one. My eyes went wide as I found Carter cowering as a big, scary looking biker guy with his own cast, held the saw up, looking ready to do a job he wasn't supposed to.
"Woah, woah, woah!" I yelled and very strategically and quickly grabbed the saw from the man, turning it off. "What's going on in here?"
"Kid needed the cast off." The man said nonchalantly. "Thought I'd help him out."
I nodded and cleared my throat, looking back at Carter. "Why don't I do that, huh?"
"I would appreciate it if you would." Carter exclaimed, still looking a little scared as the guy sat back down in his wheelchair and I started the saw back up myself.
"Feel better?"
I put my gloved hands into my pockets, a shiver running through me. Carter did the same beside me. The ER had finally died down enough with MCI patients, and now that the cast was off him, we both wanted to get some air. "Of course." Carter scoffed. "That thing was getting so itchy."
I chuckled. "I bet."
"Today was absolutely insane. Have you ever been through something like that?"
"Uh, no. That was a first."
Carter nodded. "You know, it's kind of cool that I'm a med student and you're a new nurse. We've gotten to experience a lot of firsts together."
"Yeah, it just means you can never get rid of me. I'm to engrained in your education and career."
"Well, I wasn't planning on it." Carter smiled. He put his arm around me and I took the opportunity to snuggle into him as we turned the corner to the alley. It felt...... it felt really nice. We walked a little bit farther, when we seemingly at the same time noticed the person sitting on the curb without a jacket.
"Bob?" I asked and left Carter to go over and squat down in front of her. She was crying.
"Bob?" Carter questioned and joined us.
She looked up at us, tears in her eyes. "Now l will never be a doctor here."
Carter started to laugh, but a quick, sharp glare from me stopped him. He cleared his throat. "Were you planning on being one?" Carter asked, very confused.
"ln my country, l was a surgeon. Vas--Vas..."
"Vascular?" I asked, my eyes going wide. She nodded. I quickly looked to Carter who was just as shocked that the woman who cleaned the ER floors was a doctor. "You're a vascular surgeon?"
"Yes. l have to board."
"Board. Oh, you uh, you have to take the board exam." Carter realized.
"Yes. lf l not operate, the man die. But now, when they find out......l will never board."
"Wait a minute. You operated on somebody?" Carter asked. And then I remembered people whispering as we left to come outside. I thought maybe they had been talking about us, but now I wasn't so sure.
"When they find out what l did...."
"Oh, Bob. Did the patient die?" Carter asked. Bob shook her head. "Oh. Then they'll be grateful."
"Really?
I nodded. "You know, if you want, Carter and l'll help you with your English for the board exam." I offered. "I know Carter here needs all the help he can get."
"You would do it for me? That?"
"Yeah. Yeah we would." I carefully stood, Carter following behind me. He held out his hand to Bob and helped her stand from the snow. "Come on, let's get you inside. It's freezing." We all exaggerated a big shiver before going back towards the ER.
We got back inside quickly and thankfully, there was pizza and a crowd of people ready to congratulate Bob, waiting for us. It almost felt like the moment couldn't get better, until Patrick hit the lights and an unexpected Christmas light display brightened the ER. It really was beautiful, all of the colors and the Christmas tunes playing in the background. We spent the rest of our shift enjoy the warm meal and the adorable make up presents Patrick has gathered up from around the ER.
I had defiantly been right this morning. Maybe Christmas in Chicago wouldn't be so bad after all.
Well........ I wasn't lying when I said another Snapshot would be up before the next regular chapter. 😅 It's just kind of easier to write these sometimes because I'm not having to follow the pre-existing narrative of the main story, but the original stuff that happened before that.
Like I mentioned this is my busy time of year, but hopefully in the next week or so I will get Chapter 107 out. I also have two more Snapshots being worked on too.
Thanks for your continued support in between these big breaks!
hi honey hope you’re doing well!! cannot wait for the next chapter. my fav fic on here xxxx
Hi!!!
I'm doing okay. February, March, and April are literally the busiest months of the year for me at my job and since I'm alone in my position this year, it's a lot more overwhelming than normal. 😅
I'm trying my best to get a new chapter of the main story out to you guys as soon as possible. But I've also had a couple requests for Snapshot Chapters of the following episodes:
Season 1, Episode 10
Season 4, Episode 15
and a request I'm setting in Season 6 that isn't episode based.
One of those will probably get out before the main story chapter, but we will see!
Sorry again for such a long time between chapters right now, and thank you for all of the support! 💜
Love love love LOVE your work just wanted u to know 💞 its basically canon in my books
Ah 🥺
Thank you very much. This was really nice to read the other day before work.
So...... it's Valentine's Day. And while it's the day of love, in this universe, it's the 26th anniversary of Carter being stabbed in the ER. Which, that in itself is insane to think about. As a little happiness on this day, and in honor of this really nice comment, I offer you a snippet from the future. No, I haven't written everything up until this point. 😅 It will still be a while before I get to this. But I have written bits and pieces of the rest of the series when inspiration strikes.
This is moment from Season 15, actually set on Carter's first day back in the ER on, coincidently, Valentine's Day. It does absolutely contain spoilers, so obviously read at your own risk. But with that said, a little Evie and Carter moment for your reading pleasure.
I laid my head back against Carter’s chest and let out a content sigh. Wrapping his arms around me, stroking my bump, he hummed, allowing me to feel the vibrations in my back. Meghan and Bree continued to throw snowballs at each other, running and hiding behind the other park benches for cover. The baby stretched, causing me, and ultimately Carter, to feel an elbow in my side.
“Someone’s mad they can’t play.”
“Well, she can be mad all she wants. This one’s staying in as long as she’s supposed to.” Carter chuckled at my response, kissed my neck, and rubbed the spot. I turned my head so I could see his face. “Are you sure you don’t want us to come with you to your appointment?”
“I wish.” He sighed. “But they’d kick you out anyway when the treatment got started. Better for you to just take the girls home now. Besides, they don’t need to see me like that.”
“It won’t change how they look at you.” I replied, putting my hand on his. “They still think you hung the moon. That you’re Superman.”
“Well, I sure don’t feel like Superman.” I nodded. “Meghan! Brianna!” The girls heads turned at the sound of their dad’s yell. Meghan quickly grabbed Bree’s hand and the two ran back over to us. “Daddy has to go to his appointment. So, you two need to be good for Mommy and help her out when you get back home.”
“Are you going to be gone a while?” Meghan asked.
“Like for hours?” Bree added, pouting.
Carter shook his head. “Yeah, I’ll be gone for a little bit. But I’ll be back in time for dinner. That sound good?”
“And then we can watch Barbie?”
“And eat cookies?”
Now he laughed. “Yes, we can watch a Barbie movie and eat cookies.” He pulled both girls in for a hug and kiss, before he did the same to me. “Let me know when you get home.”
“I will.” With one more hug and kiss to the girls, he stood and walked off in the direction of the dialysis center. “Alright.” I started, turning back in the direction of the girls. “Who wants to go home and help mommy get dinner started?”
“Me!”
“Me!”
“Alright my little sous chefs. Let’s go.”
Carefully standing, hand on my bump, I took both their hands, as we headed towards the train and the promise of warmth and comfort in our home.
