Untitled Unmastered

Just casually trying to find out if a a flower could bloom in a dark room

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I never was one of them

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I Need to fucking STOP

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If you hurt me, my Body is automatically repulsed by you.

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Look at you girl protecting your peace like it’s a treasure

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I AM SO RESILIENT

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To stand up for someone if they’re being mistreated is so important. This week I Received so much support and it heals me a little that people can see the light in me.

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The way yall are so comfortable with being on the wrong side of history

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I Never forgave anyone for what they did. Because Nobody ever took the accountability to even acknowledge it. I am left with hate for all the people that still linger in my brain, reminding me of the pain they caused. I wish I could understand what people mean by if you forgive them, it helps yourself let go. But it feels so wrong. I feel like I need to hold on to the pain that they caused me so they don’t get away with it. But the funny thing is, they do anyway. They keep living their lives as if I never existed. So how come that they still play such a big part in my misery while I don’t in theirs at all. The list is so long, that I really don’t know how to trust anybody ever again. All those people hurt me in the end. Almost never was the end of any kind of relationship just casual, two people who grew distant while no one was at fault. My brain keeps on telling me that it simply cannot be a coincidence that this happened to me so much. That I’m just being delusional and all those people actually grew tired for a reason. But the only reasons I ever heard was that I wanted a relationship that demanded to much from them. And I don’t know how to change that about myself. I feel like I’m being punished for wanting real connections. At this point, they feel like a fairytale to me. Something that only exists in novels and movies, real genuine feelings towards each other. I’m spending my days, trying to survive in capitalism, it feels like that’s all I’ve been doing lately. I have no idea how to find my will to live again while feeling so incredibly lonely all the time. At least being lonely saves me from being hurt. But it also makes me feel like it doesn’t matter anyway if I exist or not. And all those people only confirmed it.

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You wouldn’t survive a day in my world

And I’m jealous that you never had to

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I try and I do and I go and I leave and I still end up alone every time

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If I let myself feel, im drowning all over again

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Every day, there are less things keeping me here

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If you couldn’t love me, who ever will

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I really really really don’t want to live anymore

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Unfortunately I was Never good at lying to myself, because if I did, maybe I could convince myself that all the people I meet and all the things that Happen are not constant proof of why the hope was lost the Moment I saw light

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You have the Guts to Tell me you love me, and that I’m important to you, while all I can think of is the years I spent trying to Unlearn that people don’t have the Right to hurt me, just because they Tell me they didn’t want to

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Why do people keep telling me they love me while hurting me over and over and over