Note: During the time this is written, this is intended a fictional letter written for myself more than for you, as a more creative outlet of my thoughts and feelings. This diary thing I have never done, but was recommended to me from a friend in sword-fighting class I opened up too. Trying to have as much in mind of what flaws I may and may not have.
If you ever read this (which I doubt) youâre probably wondering why I am writing this, and perhaps are starting to get stressed, annoyed or even creeped out. I mean, it has been over 4 months now since we broke up, and over 2 months we last held any contact. And we live 1000 miles apart. Youâre probably wondering why I canât shut up and leave you alone, as I fear you might prefer. I hope not. I actually think not, because I know you know me better than that. I actually hope that I can talk to you about the below issues face-to-face at one point. That you still have some form of affection for me or some will of at least seeing me one last time. But I am as prepared as I can be for the worst case: That you never want to see me again. I stress again that during the time I am writing this, I am writing this more for myself as a collection of thoughts, feelings and intuitions, rather than for you to ever read it. The thought of you reading this right now currently horrifies me more than being in a crowded space with my pants down. The only thing that sometimes horrifies me more than that thought is the thought that I very well may never see you again to tell you this. Which shouldnât be horrifying me however. This whole âLetterâ can be somewhere unorganized and even contradicting as a result, as I almost randomly scrabble down the thoughts that go through my head over the course of several days, when outlooks change.
Iâm doing well in university and making steady progress. I got a B- on my important Latin exam, however got the bad message that apparently, there are 2 other minor Latin courses I have to visit before I can start writing my Bachalorâs degree. This means I will have to take another semester, which means I may be in England at the end of 2019. A small setback. The Topic of the Historicity of the Legend of King Arthur has been generally approved by my mentoring Professor, the Dean of medieval History. Quite a good, funny professor, in his own geeky way. He and I are confident that the topic will help me for my future ambitions in England.
The reason I am writing this is because I am in a heavy internal conflict between what appears to be the most logical solution for the most logical, âhealthyâ interpretation of events, and my affection, desire and happy memories of you. Memories that very well may affect my outlook on things that have been between us. An outlook on a troubled, challenged but yet happy relationship with many mysteries to explore, places to visit, things to buy, experiences to make. A relationship that perhaps wouldâve had more chances to develop had I already lived in England. A relationship with its own flaws, which had also lead to its downfall (ED. Note: more of that later). At least this is how I view it, subjectively. The reason why I was not careful sometimes when mentioning a too far future was simply to assure you and myself that we have to potential at least to go somewhere, even when I did get carried away sometimes.
 I generally see the timeline after our breakup CONCERNING our breakup in two parts: From our breakup until my subsequent Breakdown after finding out about you and your new boyfriend on Facebook, and from that breakdown until the present day. I know it was wrong of me to check on Facebook, all I ever wanted to do up this point concerning you was trying to make sure that you were doing ok. So thatâs why I sometimes digitally looked up on you, which isnât exactly easy to admit.
The most obvious and some would say healthy solution for my conflict is to just ban you out of my head, move on (as like I can, itâs like the blue elephant all over again), do what people expect of me and of others who have been dumped and more or less replaced by a new boyfriend. And I am doing that. Partially. I am getting in touch with myself more, finding a new hobby, reconnecting with old ones. Train my body so a healthy body may ensure a healthier mind. I signed up for the gym, go swimming almost every day and go jogging with my Mother at 8 AM in the morning. Something I never even considered before in the past. In short: Develop and worry about myself and not about you whatever feelings you have for me. Which I try to do, sometimes successful, sometimes not.
However, everybody who consoled me told me there is no hope for my feelings towards you. That you moved on for good, that youâre a 20 year old girl (which implies that you are whimsical), that I have to focus on myself and my new personal development. And when I thought about it rationally, it makes sense. At least the part on focusing on myself. And I know it is highly possible to be true. As much as it puts me down, I donât want to deny the stakes against my hopes. Which is why I focus on myself more and not try not to think of you excessively. Two things that are ironic about that: I am saying this in what is probably a long fictional letter towards you, and that I have to ânot- think of you, to have the most chances of seeing you again, perhaps. I know that it is so very unlikely that I will ever even see you again, let alone come back together with you, as you appear to be most obviously over me after 3 months. I congratulate you for that. Â I really do. Despite of my initial reaction, I am happy for you, but hope that I can perhaps be that without this sting in my side. That I couldnât be the one to provide you happiness stings, and that your new boyfriend is doing it for you also stings, as I believe your happiness has to come from within you and you alone.
Moving on, and forgetting all about you. It is something I still canât do and deep down, donât want to do. I mean, I want to be a better person than I was before, as implied above. And I am focusing on myself and all that. But when it comes to you and âjust get over her, trust me you willâ⌠I found out that I canât. Because deep down, I donât want to. Maybe it will go away with more time, but maybe not. How stupid is that? How stubborn and egotistical of me? Itâs how I feel about myself deep down not wanting to give up this stupid hope inside of me. I feel ashamed, as I feel lacking of cold pragmatism, common sense and maturity. In my worst feelings, I feel like an obsessive loser, clamoring to a girl who took his virginity and refusing to move on. I want to want to move on, if that makes sense. I try to forget about you, but often all I think about is if you still have feelings for me or not, if we had had a chance had I actually been in England, hadnât I made the mistakes I made, hadnât I been prideful and prejudiced about our situation (see what I did there?), if you had told me more directly about things I did that made you uncomfortable sometimes and so many more things I canât count. I remember that I said that my happiest memories became worth nothing due to a lie, during our breakup once, and another time when I wrote you that letter I wrote to you when I was in pure hurt. That isnât true anymore, or better said: Never was true. I saw that a few hours later, and sent what I think is the final message you ever receive of me.  I lacked a rational angle at the time and I know that when you said you loved me, you meant it. I know that our happy memories that now comfort me once again were real. You wrote to me once âI hope this lasts between usâ. It is a future, whichâs failure I still blame on me, even though I know I shouldnât. Not entirely.  You were one of the best things in my life, and I wake up at nights torturing myself because I feel that I threw it away with my carelessness. And I feel like no one can replace what I lost. No new girlfriend, hobby or whatever. In no matter what time. Or I torture myself with the thought that this was somehow destined to happen, that you were only with me because you werenât in your right mind and had realized that when we broke up. That the only one who truly, romantically loved me so far only did so because she was mentally ill. One the one hand, I more than likely helped your personal development, a thought I can take solace from. On the other hand, it is a huge sting to my self-esteem, self-worth and optimism. I am certain you made your thoughts on this as well. I know most of these thoughts and self-torture are most likely bullshit, but these days I feel like I have to explore every avenue of this matter and this conflict inside me. Â
So I reckon it is perhaps a little bit of everything. In any case, you are always in my thoughts, even if you I am no longer in yours. I know you felt incredibly guilty when we broke up, adding to your stress. I sometimes think that the guilt was also because you felt like that you led me on, and never meant it in the first place when you said you loved me. Or felt guilty because you simply changed your mind, and did not love me anymore. Or the worst thing I dread: That you will never have loved me and never will be capable of doing so. But I am getting ready for these harsh scenarios. And I know that if you ever read this, it will fire up your guilt once again, which is one of the main reasons I donât want to send it to you. Because these feelings are my mess, which I am cleaning up.
However, I actually believe that you loved me. I believe in the texts I received from you, I believe in the mutual feeling of pure love we had with each other. I believed in our potential. Still do. I have this weird, annoying faith that things can work out with us together again, after a long time of self-contemplation. I know it sounds weird, cynics would say creepy, clingy or overemotional due to the fact that you were my first. That in this world, people will mostly tell me: âYouâll find another, you never loved her, plenty of fish in the sea, itâll pass, youâll forget about her, etc.â I understand why many people would think that. But you know what? This world is cynical enough for my taste and I do not agree on how relationships and love are generally viewed with this profane approach. This approach serves many people well for oneâs own self-protection, I guess. But that isnât me. I know what I feel. I know the difference between a stupid, idealized crush and the real thing. And I believe that we still⌠have a chance. No matter what happened. As I said before: I am NOT the Man that runs at the first sign of real trouble. I wonât run from this, no matter how hard it may be. That is not going away. And I believe that what once was, can be again, new and improved through new experiences, insight and motivation. And I know that you are worth it. All of what we had was worth it in the end. No regrets, yet every regret. Â
I know that our relationship had evolved into something to co-dependent that we needed and leaned on each other to much to ensure our happiness. At least subconsciously. We felt like nothing without each other, and relied on our affections too much, as we both have a bad history with our own self-love. A relationship (or looking for a new one, like we both did) will never fix it alone. We both have the sentiment that a happy relationship is the ultimate, unescapable key to happiness. Which will likely put pressure on every relationship we will ever have. When I was with you, I completely forgot that I hated myself sometimes. A quote from a movie that weirdly pops into my head every so often is: âIf you are nothing without this suit (metaphor for you, youâre obviously not a suit to me), then you shouldnât have it.â And I felt like nothing without you. Subconsciously drifted towards this pressuring mindset, and despite all my care and lookouts for potential relationship dangers, this one just slipped right past my nose. Sometimes I still catch myself wishing that we had talked about this and prepared for this pitfall. Knowing is half the battle. But one way or another, our relationship led like that had to end for us to rid ourselves of everything keeping us from loving ourselves. Thatâs something one can only do alone, as I said. And the reason I see the possibility of trying again with you, of wanting to try again with you shall not be because I feel like nothing without you any longer. Because despite some the wrong sentiments we brought into this relationship, I still believe that what made us happy was not simply these wrong sentiments.
One way or another, life is a struggle, even the best relationships are. After all these months, I still prefer to struggle and improve with you, me, and our potential, rather than just struggle and improve on my own. Yet I am prepared to do the latter, due to the oppressive reality I am facing and struggling against. I still would love nothing more than to talk to you again, see you smile and that sparkle in your eye when you talk about Georgie and Rosie, visits outside, be it shopping or hiking in nature, cooking, your photography, Disney movies, crystals (especially amethysts), Jane Austen books and books in general. I would love to talk to you about everything we have done so far again, support each other when we feel down, discuss god and the world, talk about supernatural (I really like the show, and would love to talk to you about it. I donât know why. Sue me) plan future trips of me to England (where I will move to, in 2019/20 no matter what). Do simple and sophisticated things alike when I am there, visit Nottingham and that cat cafĂŠ, visit castles, villas and landmarks of Nottinghamshire, or just stay in, watch B-99, Plebs or other cheesy sitcoms. Disney-movies or horror flicks, on the sofa, where I get to stroke your beautiful, perhaps pinkish hair, order a pizza with it or cook ourselves. Listen to you chant along certain show introductions, solve crossword puzzles, listen to you sing along to your favorite singers have epic sex for the exercise and practice. It was these little things that I loved most about you and my time with you. And most of all, I would like to further develop things into something better than we already had, and iron out the kinks of our relationship. Try to be around more often, but for shorter periods of time, leave you more breathing space when you need it, stop viewing myself as only purely helpful when I am probably not, not rush into things blindly, build off some of our codependency and communicate with you better.
Man, I remember when we laughed about the Scene in Monty Python: âDonât you oppress me in my struggle against realityâ. And now I am here. Sounding like Iâm having the most epic against a most likely reality. Perhaps I am even. Anythingâs possible. Ironic, isnât it? I am doing it because I have faith in myself and I have faith in you. But I also know, as mentioned, that you were the one that was more stressed about our long-distance situation than I was. That you need someone who is there for you more often. One way or another, with or without you, I will get out of this stronger. I do not think that we necessarily have to stay away and forget about each other forever. Keyword here is âForeverâ. Because things may change, sooner, or later. However I do not intend to direct my life around this, do not worry. I hope this makes sense to you, it is hard to describe.
I know probably nothing I can say will restore everything what we once had between each other immediately, and that is good. I do not want to restore âEverythingâ as it would include the things that made it fail in the first place, and I do not want an immediate restoration because that lacks time to think. But I want to save the good things from it. Our connection. Our potential, our affection, based on somewhat similar experiences in life, Interests that are not the same but however compatible, trust and companionship. To put it a bit more profanely: I still think we are a good fit. And I would like to build something better with you, and be a better person. However, at this point I simply hope for the least: To just see you one last time to talk for a final time. I know that the long distance was an extra factor that put way more pressure on your feelings than it did on mine. You need someone you like who is closer by to support, hug, cuddle and kiss you at the time. I couldnât provide that. And vice versa. I was prideful and prejudiced (last stupid pun on that, I swear) after a certain point. I know that my mental struggles were most likely nothing compared to yours, my trauma nothing compared to yours. Yet I think I let the impression loose that I thought I knew everything. It never truly occurred to me that I very well was a part of your growing stress problems, until your father told me. Even before, I was trying to be aware of the problematic situation of how to support you best. But as I said, I was to ineffective due to range, attitude and experience. It did not stop me from trying as hard as I could, however. And late into our relationship I realized that I could no longer fight as hard for you as I did before, because that would drive you away from me. It would also drive you away from me if I stayed put, but at least it would mean that you would have one less input of potential stress until you are ready again. Which is why I did it after the breakup as good as I could, but not always successfully. The last moments of our relationship felt like an emotional minefield in which ever action I took, resulted in more stress for you. Which is why it was brave and necessary of you to break things off, despite the potential I feel we still had together. It made me contemplate long and hard over the last few months. The Necessity of it was not something that I truly comprehended back then, due to the volatile emotional situation inside me, confusion, lack of experience, the extraordinary nature of our relationship and our mental states. Which is for example, why I hoped and assumed that we could simply text, keep in touch with each other over things we enjoy, while dealing with emotional stresses ourselves for a while. It feels like we were on two different pages. And it was my responsibility I failed once more, under pressure of previous failures. I feel like I failed and failed again, but I am no longer willing to beat myself up over it. Just willing to apologize for that to you. I texted you from the airport when I was leaving, and failed to give you your space immediately. Â
As for the question of my worst meltdown last week. Why not earlier? Why not when we broke up? Well. I thought that I had perhaps have gotten over you. And I have found solace in the fact that I still felt⌠loved by you. Even if you werenât ready for a relationship in years, as you told me. I went on dates to find myself. And perhaps move on, as you wanted me to, probably. And it probably was true at the time, that you meant it when you said you werenât ready for relationships in general. But fact is now, that you have a new boyfriend and when I found out, I was devastated like I was never before in my life. Not even after our actual breakup. That hurt lead me into thinking some very pessimistic, wrongful things and I expressed them. For that I am truly sorry. I was so upset that at the time, I felt like I HAD to vent, otherwise I thought I would go completely bananas. I did this by sending you a word document like this one to express my hurt feelings to you. Which was not fair to you, which I also soon came to realize, and apologized. I promised you there that I would try to delete any remaining trace of you on my computer and mobile phone (those I have not deleted already) to get you out of my head. Because thatâs what I wanted in that hurt state: Just for the pain to go away. Because I realized three things at the same time, things that made me compose this letter. I suppose I dragged and delayed the inevitable out in my head, and this event forced me to come clean with myself emotionally.
Summarized, I realized three things that day: That still had feelings for you, that I felt like nothing without you, and that if I was nothing without your company, then I didnât deserve to have it. And if you felt like nothing without me at one point, I am certain you realized the same thing. So I felt I had to restart my efforts of getting over you once more, back from scratch, focus on myself, not on you and then MAYBE I can talk to you about all of this stuff in a better way: Personally and face-to-face when I am back in England for Halloween. A little bit wiser and always affectionate and hopeful towards you (which perhaps for some people doesnât sound very wise, but screw it). If you are up for it. And only if you are not with anyone at that time. I do not want to be a dickhead and intrude on something that very well may make you happier then you were with me. No matter how hard it stings.
 P.S: If this is all just confusing to you, then welcome to the club, sister. If all of this is just annoying or scaring you, then I understand, but this is the last thing in the world what I want to do with this, as you are not reading it anyway.
