First try to write something down
TW: ANXIETY AND PANIC DISORDER TALK
Well, they said it would help to write things down, and my therapists said that too. I should do it. And what happened?
It's really easy to explain. 8 years ago… I think it was 8 years ago, I got an anxiety disorder. I went to therapy and it got better. For 5 years I was healthy, no problems, I could do what I wanted and go where I wanted. Then January 2024 happened… I had a relapse… but not a mild one. No, I got punched in the face with the anxiety disorder. And damn, that was hard. I'm very lucky that I have friends and family who helped me so much. Because that was the next level. I didn't just get scared of the train and new things I didn't know (that was 8 years ago when I had panic attacks). No, I had panic attacks about everything. Car journey, train, plane, to be home alone, outside, supermarket. EVERYTHING. I thought I was going crazy. So what did I do? I went back to therapy. Because I'm in the last semester of my bachelor's degree…yap…. best timing ever. But I've fighted. And what can I do after 4.5 months. I can drive a long distance with someone in the car, a short distance on my own. Before, I drove a route alone that was 8 hours long…. but I will come back 100%. I can go to the supermarket on my own, I can go outside on my own. Ehm…I can drive the bus on my own again. I can stay home alone, even stay home alone for a few days. But the train…hm…that thing is still damn scary for me. And well, I can't train on a plane because there's no money…
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To explain what my panic and anxiety attacks are like, because I've heard that everyone feels about that differently. For me, it's not that I feel like I'm going to die. No, during a panic attack I feel like I'm going crazy and can't breathe. Then my flight instinct becomes very strong and I have to get out immediately. I feel like I'm locked up somewhere and can't just go out as I please. So yes, the problem with the train and the plane… when you have the feeling that you're locked in there…. I also know that nothing will happen to me. But the feeling I get is so awful. My body burns and aches so much that I think I'm going crazy. And to be honest, I'm also embarrassed that I'm going to start crying in front of people.
My anxiety attacks are a little different. I get pain in the centre of my chest. It starts to burn as if I have a bad sunburn there. And my brain just switches off and concentrates only on the fear. My fear is then being alone. That I'll do something stupid if no one is with me. And then my fear of loss kicks in. My fear of loss relates to my mum. She loves travelling and will be going away again soon. I don't want her to worry and I want her to enjoy her holiday. My fear of loss is getting stronger again at the moment. I hope that I can find a good solution in the next therapy session.
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Of course I know a lot of things that help against anxiety and panic, but unfortunately I don't always remember them. But I think I'll make a list of what helps me next time. I hope that I will then forget less of what helps me. And maybe it will help someone else too.
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So I guess I wrote enough...see ya bye bye
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