Don't let the world bring you down.

Forever trying to figure out this post-grad "adult" life without falling apart. 

[experiencethewarmth]

So a big life event happened recently and I’m feeling a little saddened that one of my good friends hasn’t texted or called since I told her.

I’ve been googling and researching like crazy to get prepared and I want someone to share this stuff with. “Look at this!” “What do you think about this?” So on… I have my partner but not all men are tuned in the way a girlfriend would be.

I checked in with myself to see if I had been neglectful but I can honestly say I’ve tried. Calls and texts went unanswered, and voicemails possibly still not listened to.

The wounds of adulthood I guess.

[experiencethewarmth]

I’m not sure what happened to me this holiday break but I’ve just been having a lot of feels about my family and friends. I miss my mom. I want to have this deep diving conversation with my brother. I’m craving friendship connection.

I really really really don’t want to move back north, but all my people are there. Maybe it’s because J and I are taking this baby thing seriously, I just don’t want to be alone through it all. Maybe it’s just the world is either flooding or on fire and feeling the impermanence of this life. All of the above?

[experiencethewarmth]

Picking up kind of on the same theme as my last post, I’m just really sick of being the one who always puts in the effort just so other people can be wishy-washy.

There’s a couple that I met through my boyfriend and they’re both really sweet and nice and we get along with them. I’ve been trying to make an effort to get closer to the woman in the relationship and I’ve offered ideas to hang out on several occasions now, but she keeps avoiding alone time with me and will somehow swing my proposal into a couple date.

Most recently I bought her some longjohns/thermal underwear for under her clothes cause she’s going to upstate New York in a week. I haven’t been able to deliver them to her since I was busy with the holidays so I offered to take her out for a drink to celebrate her birthday and have a reason to go drop off the longjohns. She responded that she is no longer drinking because alcohol hasn’t been agreeing with her, but we could go to this food hall.

I responded, “sure, whatever you’d like” but really I was annoyed. It felt like the same old dodge of not wanting to hang out with me for some reason, but I took a breath and stopped myself from projecting. After a couple hours of thinking about it I figured I’d offer an alternative. I said, “I also know a lot of places serve mocktails, especially now that Dry January is popular or we could do tea. Just throwing out options but it’s your birthday treat so just no crazy pricey places lol”

Nope, she doesn’t “need any treats” and said that the 4 of us could just do something casual to catch up. So I’m back to being annoyed, but the therapized version of me knows that I shouldn’t take my frustration out on just this one person. It is hard to make new friends and I picked up on the fact that she’s more comfortable going out with her partner or as a couple rather than girl-time. I think I just miss having a girlfriend who is down to make Target runs or get dressed up to try a new restaurant. I thought maybe I could have that with her and so it’s more about the disappointment of not having that relationship here.

[experiencethewarmth]

I know that I was the one who made the decision to move away from a place where family and friends were close/local, but I am growing tired of the effort it takes to connect.

2.5 years into living in Charlotte, I usually make about four trips home each year. I always feel pressure to make plans to show my face when I’m up north. The “be a good friend” part of me conflicts with just spending time at home with my mom and brother.

As an already introverted person, the first few times I did the texting, planning, coffee/lunch/dinner, house visit, etc. it was exhausting. Then I wittled it down to those who actually reach out and check on me out of the blue kinda thing. If I don’t hear from you outside of my “I’m in town” notices, then you don’t get to see me. I think I’m going to keep that going.

My one friend jokingly said that I was the glue that kept our friend group together. It bothered me and I couldn’t figure out why until recently. I don’t want to be the reason that people hang out, this isn’t some office party, show up to look like a team player thing…they should want to hang out with each other, regardless of whether I am involved. I should be the one opening social media and feeling jealous that I missed out on stuff, not the reason that stuff happens. 

I’m still heavy on the “spend time with people while they’re here and able” but this ain’t it. This isn’t how I want to feel every trip home.

[experiencethewarmth]

I’m really sick of the invasiveness of Google, Meta, all of them!

I recently talked to my OB/GYN about conception (calm down, this is not an active thing, I’m just getting information from the source) and one of the things she mentioned was taking a prenatal vitamin, but make sure it doesn’t have iron. She gave me some recommendations and said you don’t have to get too fancy with expensive brands, but I still googled this and now my timeline is being flooded with all things prenatal.

I’m getting ads from different companies that gear towards prenatal and the pregnancy trimesters. I’m getting ads for baby products and carriers and diaper bags and it’s just a lot right now. This is obviously something that I want, but it’s not a reality yet so it just feels overwhelming and insensitive. What if I struggle to get pregnant or have health things happen that make it difficult for me? Obviously I want to be optimistic, but on my own time.

Maybe this is their plan… don’t want to be triggered while looking at your stories or scrolling through your timeline? Then pay us $10/month.

[experiencethewarmth]

I think I jinx myself when I say the good feelings out loud. Literally was reconnecting with a high school friend who had been off social media for a couple years. I spoke well of my partner and our relationship, then tonight he and I had a huge blow up fight.

Each wanting to be heard and understood and each feeling like ships in the night. His priorities are not mine and in some ways I feel like prioritizing his needs reduces me. The access he desires from my body, the reassurance I desire from his.

I fear that having to start over again will break me. Am I not meant to have the happiness I speak about?

[experiencethewarmth]

The time of year when I have the urge to go clothes shopping even though I’ve worked from home the past 4 years.

Crazy that it’s been 4 years since the world was forced inside. Now I have to mindfully make an effort to go out.

The dogs help… but it’s also such a pain when I just want to stay in or when it’s raining or cold.

The temperature is staring to turn already. I feel it in the mornings and evenings. I like this part, the maybe a sweater or light jacket kinda days that go up to the 70s and back down.

The back of the house is shaded by trees and can still be pretty dark even on sunny days. I might have to get a sun lamp this winter for my office… or make an effort to leave the house. Perhaps if I had some new clothes? 🤔

[stricatul]

I like that "morning baby" kinda relationship. The no games, great communication, lots of sex, lots of kissing, lots of cuddling, lots of flirting, lots of being goofy kind of relationship. That makes you want to run 100 miles, read books, clean up your bad habits kind of love.

[experiencethewarmth]

I’ve been home since the 11th and I gotta say… this shit is ghetto. We are dealing with my post-stroke, bedridden grandmother. My mom is a frantic mess. My family is a bunch of assholes. I just…

Part of me wants to hit the lotto and pay everyone to fuck off. I’ll set my mom and grandma up with the bestest of care and comfort, but the rest can fuck alllllllll the way off the edge of the earth (jk jk).

I’m also thinking about the dick appointment waiting for me back in Charlotte. I’m trash but it’s been over three months so *shrug* can you blame me? I had 2 really good dates with the guy and the chemistry was good. We’ve been flirting via text and my body is ready.

Life is weird eh?

[riplikeren]

[experiencethewarmth]

Kinda how I feel about a friend that stopped talking to me. I spent way too much time racking my brain about what I could’ve done wrong. I’d still send “Happy Birthday” texts and finally I just made peace that she’s going through whatever she’s going through and if cutting me loose was a decision she felt like she needed to make then it is what it is.

[vybewitme]

It’s crazy how you have to be careful with how much love you show.

[introversitile-deactivated20240]

Best thing I’ve learned in life is to show every part of you and the ones that stay will stay forever.

[experiencethewarmth]

I really want to quit my job but I don’t want to find another. Is robbing a bank really that hard?

I’ve noticed a lot of Aries men are single.

I’m always one text away from a bad decision.

[experiencethewarmth]

Knowing he’s not good for me but missing him so much.

Trying not to get a dog just bc I’m lonely.

Also trying not [redacted].

What is life?!

[blizzardofjj]

[catchymemes]

[experiencethewarmth]

Me, researching side gigs that won’t break my soul.

[experiencethewarmth]

Thoughts

I don’t know why my brain is having such a hard time with age. When I was 24 I dated a 30 year old, but now that I’m 34 I cringe at the idea of dating a 40 year old. Is it a maternal thing? Like “uh unh, you ain’t gonna be able to keep up. Or is it a mortality thing 👀. Or is it like skepticism, “but WHY are you still single at 40? What’s wrong with you?!”

Unrelated, I ended up getting impromptu drinks last night with someone. We matched and decided to have dinner on Monday, but text convo was going well so I accepted his invite. We got through the main awkward part so that was nice. He has since mentioned that he’s very excited for Monday and I am in new territory where the guy is showing interest and excitement. I’ve gotten used to “playing it cool” that I kinda feel bad for not matching his energy but it’s also only date number two. I’m trying the “don’t put your eggs in one basket” approach.

[experiencethewarmth]

Here’s a thing about dating someone with kids: I did it once, and it was trash. Granted that situation was very unique, but at the end of the day you will always be put in a position where you come between a man and his child. Plus another woman and her child.

I’m grateful that my ex was the type of person who prioritized his son. It was one of the things I loved about him and seeing a man be a good dad is definitely a turn on for me. However, I realized that I am someone who needs an unattached partner. What I mean by that is someone who has the freedom to be spontaneous, who can go on weekend getaways or long trips, who can come over when I need him or have me over unplanned. When you have to plan around custody days and plan around getting permission from the mother to take the child certain places… It was just weirdly restrictive and uncomfortable.

The problem with being single, and getting older is that the pool of men without children becomes smaller. Everyone has been living their lives in serious relationships, in woopsie-daisy pregnancies, in marriages and divorces…. I am reasonable to understand that they didn’t plan for those situations to not work out, but I can also be discerning as someone who did the divorced dad thing already. Maybe I’ll feel different one day, but for not it’s like PTSD reminders of a relationship that maybe could’ve lasted if we met at different times in our lives.