What did an orgasm teach me? What did I learn?
I learned that an orgasm is just an orgasm.
I came with him so deep in my head, pushing me, controlling me. I came without thoughts of my own, I came obeying him.
I can't recall as much of the physical feeling of the orgasm as much as I can the total surrender. He told me it would be easy to cum for him, because it's easy to do anything for him - I've done things I could never have imagined. He told me it was easy and so it was.
So, yes, there was physical pleasure: waves crashing, radiating from my clit, my cunt spasming, my muscles clenching, my gasping, drawn out cry peaking over and over. But above all of that, far louder, far heavier, gripping me like a vice, was his control. And me, soaring in sublime submission, in obedience to him.
It became indelible then: that his Dominance felt better than any orgasm, and so I would do simply anything for him. It is an easy choice to never cum again so I can submit my mind and body (and all that transcends those) for his consumption. I choose my denial as reverent worship.
I learned that my mind can change my body.
There were patterns before, as I was learning about the way my body responded to denial. Waves of intensity and desperation. But I wasn't just denied for 222 days, I also had 222 days of conditioning, and so there is another layer of control that sits over the physical. Yes, I can feel the need, the ache, but my mind is already so far along the journey - I have not unlearned the way I want him, I cannot unring the bell of exposing myself to him, I can't undo my new kinks and desires - and so I'm already deep into submission for him. I look at his cock for at least one hour (often several hours) every day. That is not an exaggeration. I can't pleasure myself without him. He is my sexuality now. I think differently, and so my body reacts differently. I am a different person.
I learned that I am better now.
Now that I know - now that I've experienced that nothing feels as good as his control, I also know without a doubt that I am better now.
I've recited it over and over, I've clung on to it frenzied in a edged out state, but to be confronted with the fact post-orgasm is to learn it deeply, to choose it again and finally. I have chosen. I am better now. It never needs to be asked again.
And now I am free to give him everything. More control, my whole mind, influence over more of my life. Everything feels better. Aching for him. Dressing for him. Allowing myself to be crafted into his perfect custom sex doll. I am more confident with clarity of purpose.
I'm changed, it feels good to be changed. He pushes me to be better, it feels good to be better. He motivates me to improve, he is a positive influence in my life.
When he talks to me about being better, being slutty, being happy, being blank, being sexy - it feels really good. Being all those things feels good and so I feel good. I feel better than I did before. I don't remember all the conversations I had before, or what I did in all the time that I now spend edging and being mindfucked, but I know it didn't feel as good as this so I wouldn't ever choose to go back.
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