Shaken and stirred

Still getting caught up on the Pitt no spoilers please

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New York’s hottest club is the World Cup halftime show. And it has everything - Muppets, Shakira, Jason Sudekis, hoards of unattended children

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If I was a serious country I wouldn’t bother having a big national archive with a bunch of armed security guards and all the stuff behind glass. I would just take a bunch of pictures of my founding documents on my phone that way even if robbers came and took them all it’s like no big deal because I can always look at the pictures if we need to check what they said.

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God I hate it when a guy messes up this simple principle. Like duh what you’re doing got me this close don’t stop it now.

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Mixed Doubles

If I were married I would never in a million years allow my partner to participate in a mixed doubles team at the Winter Olympics without me. Such an insult. Such a betrayal. Does what we have mean so little to you that you'll literally parade around in front of the cameras with some skank exerting your bodies and displaying your prowess like I'm literally nothing? If you want to win Olympic gold you do it with me or you do it with a bunch of other dudes or you don't do it at all.

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WOKENESS RUN AMOK:

In this classroom alphabet poster the X stands for ‘Ecstasy’

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I have some terrible news about the dignity of the us military

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Dog senator announces blue ribbon commission to find out who’s a good boy.

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We’re maybe three years away (at most) from some fuck ass Amazon Prime limited series called like “Customs” about an ICE officer who has big complicated feelings. It’ll star John Krasinski as Officer Goodboy. He’ll be someone who joined ICE when he was a teenager because his mom got human trafficked and he wants to make sure that never happens to anyone else. He’ll have a smoking hot Latina wife (Gal Gadot in a ton of bronzer) and she tells him not to be racist but she gets that he has an important job.

And the situations he gets in will be so so complicated. Like he’ll get ordered to go trap an old grandma when she picks up a baby at day care and yes that might seem horrible but guess what? That grandma is actually also a terrorist who makes guns that shoot Hyper Fentanyl at veterans. So yeah, now aren’t you glad he’s doing his job?

It won’t be satire. It really will be an actual big budget production who’s whole reason for being is to make the point that 2025 was really complicated and nobody can say for sure whether rank and file ICE officers did the right thing by coming to work every day even as millions of people begged them to stop. It’s happened many times before (Zero Dark Thirty, Jack Ryan, The Last Starfighter). The question isn’t whether or not it’ll happen the only questions are:

1. Will Kevin Sorbo have enough juice to land the part as Officer Goodboy’s commander?

2. Will you be bored enough to watch it anyway?

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New Kind of Bug

Imagine a new kind of bug. They're like the size of very big dogs but with seven legs and really thick plates of chitin covering just about their entire bodies except their very large prominent cloaca which is between legs five and six. They're super annoying. Like if you see one out in a field approaching your picnic you might as well just pack it in. Because as soon as one of them smells something tasty they make an insane noise like a screaming woman and that attracts every other bug within a kilometer. Then they're all just poking around at any open container and tripping smaller humans onto the ground to show dominance.

Now here's the thing: they can't be smooshed. They're way too big and besides their armor is just like crazy strong. You can't even take them down with guns or swords, it all just bounces off. Bug spray seems to attract them even more. If you try to give them treats and make them your pet they just attack you violently. They can't be bargained with and can't be conquered.

But eventually mankind learns that there is one thing that can be done to make these new bugs go away. Turns out that these bugs are horny as hell AND feel an intense sense of shame after they cum. So if you're out near a wooded area and you see one approach, you have a short window to walk up swiftly and confidently and shove something into it's hole. Hands are the right size but you can get creative. You know you've hit the right spot if they start making a soft cooing noise and slide their wings back and forth. If you pay attention to their feedback you can finish one off in a few minutes. They do a happy little jump when they reach orgasm and a few seconds later the shame hits and they quickly run to hide alone inside a tall tree. In centuries of living with the bugs, mankind never finds a better or more effective way to get them to shoo.

That sure would suck, right? Glad that's not a real thing.

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Elmo and the Cookie Monster serve virtually the same role in their respective communities. The difference between the two is almost entirely cultural.

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Welcome back barbenheimer

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The truly utterly bafflingly unique person who used to look up to Sebastian Maniscalco but is now devastated to see he would condone a brutal dictatorship for money. The man who found an otherwise deserted midpoint in a useless venn diagram and decided to call that void home. Thinking of him tonight.

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“One Battle After Another” is domestic terrorism competency porn.

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Ah finally our national nightmare is over. Once again Jimmy Kimmel will be allowed to bravely ask Austin Butler if it was fun shooting with Matt Smith and then chuckle when he says “yes.”

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When you give a special little treat to your friend who’s under 5’7”

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It’s so god damn crazy to me that literally this exact guy continued to have a career after this bit and not only thrived but became such a prominent dissenting voice in mainstream politics that he was personally silenced by the President. Like will there be other G4 presenters sent to the gulags? Has anyone checked on Adam Sessler recently?