A Quiet Space

A place to collect my thoughts, because there are those who don’t understand the silence.

[thepersonalquotes]

[mermaidinthedeepocean]

[mermaidinthedeepocean]

[expressionlessemotions]

New State, Old Habits

Well, I’m back. No, this isn’t going to be a super heartwarming post saying I’m fixed. I’m not. Honestly, I think I’m worse off then I was a year ago. Or maybe I’m still the same? When you’ve been a certain way for so long, it’s hard to tell at this point if you’ve changed. The only thing I know is, I’m better at hiding it. It helps when you have no friends and you’ve been alone for several years. So I’ve learned how to put on a smile and fool everyone in the room into thinking I’m the most charming person they’ve ever met. That I love my life. It’s truly amazing at how easy it is….

Anyways, here’s a little update. I’m in LA. A place I’ve wanted to be for years and a place I’ve needed to be for years. But like I said in the beginning, this isn’t a happy post. This is a post to say I have a new zip code, but old problems. A lot has changed in the 2 years I’ve been gone. New state, new job, even new car. But, I’m still severely unhappy and angry. I still prefer isolation over socialization. I still hate my life. I’m still depressed and anxious. Oh, and I still really, really, really, really miss my mom. All this in a new state with a new job! Some things never change, huh?

Bye for now…

[expressionlessemotions]

[heavensghost]

never saw it coming

[especially]

[emotionalwords]

[the-moon-whisperer]

[strangersinadarkparadise]

[lifeiswonderfullyyours]

[tear-dropp-deactivated20241031]

why do you sleep so much?

cause there’s nothing to wake up to.

[ohamnesia]

[expressionlessemotions]

Insta-fucking-gram

You know it. You’ve seen it. You’re probably on it. That damn soul sucking, clout-chasing, cess-pooled app. Insta “God-I-hate-my-life” gram. For a person with anxiety and depression, instagram is TORTURE. It will take you down a dark, dark spiral. And yes, of course I’ve been down that spiral. But am I still on it? You damn right I am. Why, you ask? Because it also takes away that numbness that we feel in our daily life. From a neutral side, instagram is the great escape and the worse escape. It allows me to dive into a world that I can dream about. A world where I have millions of followers, over 2,000 likes, 100 comments, etc, etc. It’s a world where I can see what it feels like to be on top. But it also is a messy place to get caught up in your dream - the startling realization that you don’t have a body like @alexisren or you aren’t as creative as @mylifeaseva.

There’s so much pressure nowadays to show how fabulous your life is on Instagram. It’s exhausting to keep up this charade for just some likes. Selena Gomez said it best – Instagram is toxic. But we’re all so addicted to it. And yes, I’m sure you’ve heard that same phrase that all youtubers, vloggers, even actors say: “just because their life may seem perfect online doesn't mean it is”. For the record that may be true in regards to the girl I went to high school with who posts are literally always some shot of her on the beach, near a beach, or next to the beach. But for us nobodies who follow celebrities like Zendaya or Priyanka Chopra Jonas, I highly doubt their life is as miserable as mine is. I seriously doubt it.But we’re all supposed to just accept it, right? Well bullshit. Priyanka’s life may not be perfect but she’s not struggling to wake up every morning. And Zendaya may have a bad day once in a while but she probably isn’t worrying constantly about her job. These celebrities, big or not big, A-list or D-list, don’t have the same concerns as we do. They may be similar but they’re not the same.

Bye for now….

[expressionlessemotions]

Filler Friends

Hey guys, it’s time to gather ‘round the campfire and talk about a topic that is hugely important. Besides dealing with depression and anxiety, of course.

                                               Fucking friends

That dreaded six letter word. Everybody says, “your friends are important”. “Your friends are supposed to be there for you”. “Your friends are your fucking life, dawg”. Well, is there any advice for you when your friends abandon you?! Besides the typical, “move on” bullshit you hear from self-help books, advice columnist, or some big-name Youtuber? No, there isn’t. Because you’re always supposed to have them. FRIENDS. Well spoiler alert, if you thought this was gonna be a blog post about my awesome af friends, you are super fucking wrong. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had friends. Had, being the important word here. But, they were never really my friend. They were what I like to call “filler friends”. Friends that are here for the moment, to get you through complicated situations (college) or friends that are supposed to fill your schedule when you’re bored. That’s the type of friends I’ve had. They weren’t of any substance. And yes, I could go back to the beginning, and we can delve into why I constantly make “filler friends”, but no, we aren’t going to do that. Instead, I’m going to quote a poem (I think) that perfectly explains how I view friendships now, thanks to those shitty friends.

“The lesson.

not everyone you love

will stay

not everyone you trust

will be loyal

some people only exist

as examples of what to avoid”

Friends are extremely hard to find. And tough to make. But when you add depression and anxiety into it? Bro. It’s like preparing for battle every single day, just to coach yourself into trying to get to know people. My depression and anxiety makes it extremely hard for me to make friends. I’m closed off and guarded to people. Sadly, it never used to be that way. But I’ve had bad trust issues and they’ve gotten worse with each “friend” I made. Maybe one day I’ll dive into my bad friendships, but for now, let’s just say, it will NOT get easier. No matter what fucking cutesy shit you hear from people. Unless you have zero mental problems or you already found some good ass fucking friends.

The point here is, if you suffer from depression and anxiety, like me, do not go out and make friends to the first people you meet. Don’t open up so easily to people. Your mind and heart are already fragile, so why befriend people that can add stress to both? We have to take care of our emotions because they are fucking unstable as shit. Be careful. People can smile in your face and lie through their teeth. It’s easy to say, “I love you” but it’s not easy to mean it. And yes, I know I sound jaded but I’ve met some pretty shitty people that are literally the last line of that poem: “some people only exist as examples of what to avoid”. I am battling every single day to fight my depression and anxiety. Do I need to add “battle for a caring friend” to the list? Trick question: I don’t.

Bye for now...

[expressionlessemotions]

Genesis 1:1

No, this is not about to be a bible verse. But whether you believe in the bible or God, there’s always something in every religion that is constant - the beginning. Because everybody has a beginning, right? An origin story? A tale? A legend? (Okay, I may be overdoing it now.) The point is, my origin story starts almost seven years ago. So clearly, there’s a lot that needs to be unpacked here. When I went to counseling (we’ll get there), I had to start at the beginning, to figure out where my trauma came from. Why I’m so damn messed up in the head. It was tough but I knew it was important. You can’t heal if you don’t know where the damage is, right? So, my origin story begins seven years ago, because at the time, I thought I was just unhappy but I realize now I was severely depressed. And thus begins my battle with my mental health. Enter: depression.

I had just graduated from high school. Great moment, right? Such a happy time. Such a good feeling. Such a momentous occasion. Yeah, not so fucking much for me. I had graduated and did not get into any college. Yes, you read that right. I was a high school graduate with no acceptance. I had applied to about six colleges and NONE of them accepted me. I could live with that but my parents? Yea, they couldn’t. So long story short, I was forced to attend this community college that I absolutely hated. It was in an area I didn’t know, surrounded by people that seemed way more cooler than me. Even longer story short, that big change, mixed with feeling so low about my future options caused me to turn into a person that years later, I can’t believe I was. It’s so bad, that as I type this I’m actively trying not to think about how bad it was back then....

Believe me, it was truly the lowest point i’ve ever been in my life. And it scares me so much to even think about that point in my life. I was so scarily depressed that I did things I’d never done in my life before. So I think we might just end here. Maybe one day I’ll be able to talk about it. Or not. I mean clearly seven years ago is not long enough for me to talk about it, so it might just be a memory that will forever haunt me. But the point of this post is to say, that’s me. It’s who I’ll always be. A girl with a traumatic origin story. Fuck that happy-go-lucky positive shit that is promoted all over instagram by these “influencers”. I have demons and I’m not afraid to admit it.

Bye for now....

[expressionlessemotions]

I’m not a blogger, I’m just a girl with a big mouth

For the past seven years, I’ve been struggling with a battle inside of my mind. A dark internal fight that has left me so exhausted, mentally and - up until this point - physically. Recently, that dark battle has returned. And I fear it may get worse. But I think it’s time to do something to shake it away. If not forever, at least for now. So, here we go. It’s time for me to open up and shed some light on what’s like to be, well, me.

I’m not a blogger, I’m just a girl with a big mouth.