I'm a #Person

My musings, views, and dabbling

[extorvertsuperwholockinc]

Went to sleep feeling huge in my body My own weight weighing me down And today's just a lot and I'm not feeling it Didn't write or work or study (It'll get done) Shrunk down as the day passed on And suddenly I was perfect and beautiful with my smile and hair laid bare Until someone says "but like what if they're fat" Like it's a problem And they knew it was offensive, after (I know that's bad to say) Suddenly I'm an elephant swarming your chair I feel huge, ballooning as you speak You don't need to be attracted to me, but don't fucking talk weight to me I didn't ask. I won't ask. So don't tell me. I'm lucky I'm confident enough to love myself I bet you're not But when I look in the mirror my size is never the same But I always see beauty and that will never change

[extorvertsuperwholockinc]

We Aren't Friends

I don’t want to be a copycat, but I’ve got feelings too. Why are you doing this? I thought you trusted me? I trusted you. I told you about my life. I let you dominate the conversation. I let you walk all over me. And I thought you felt it too. You came out to me. Didn’t that mean something? Didn’t I? I wrote for you. I did my time. I gave you so much. Why is it never enough?

So ignore me on the bus as you go by. It stings.

I'm meaner than you. Deep down I’m all bombs and splinters. Don’t push me bitch. That’s right. I can call you that. But don’t ever try that shit with me. You can’t even handle me at 5%. So I toned myself down for you. Let you make me feel insecure about my laugh. Laughed off your slurs and bullshit. Justified you to my parents. Wow.

And now you ignore me. Purposely. And I can’t yell back. And I won’t. I’m nicer than you. I don’t like breaking people down. I don’t enjoy manipulating people. This entire trip had me feeling like shit about the way I am with people. You made us so exclusive I don’t even know what I’m doing. But I’ll figure it out. Or not. Because I don’t need to please you anymore. I got rid of her because she hurt you. You did yourself off. So I’m going to take a page from Lindsay Lohan. Suck out this poison and move on.

I deserve it. I deserve to be happy. I’m better than you. Maybe that’s why I’m so happy all of the time, and you sit there glaring at the world. Alone. Yeah.

[extorvertsuperwholockinc]

WIP Tagged

WIP Tag Game

I just got tagged by the marvelously talented @scamperingkaos to post the last sentence in one of my works in progress, and then tag as many people as there are words in the sentence to do the same thing- wowowowowow/

Here goes:

“Maybe that’s why I’m so happy all of the time, and you sit there glaring at the world. Alone. Yeah.”

And now to tag all of the peoples: @dndyke @wholocksupersoupofpain @thedreamer001 @sugar-n-tea @iinfiniteskies @dahanci @poems-of-madness

Enjoy! 

[extorvertsuperwholockinc]

Looking at You

I walk in sunlight looking at you,

And as you smile I’m tripping over rainbows. All brown hair in lazy curls Draped over porcelain skin I want to drown in you To repeat the mistake that is love Over and over again, like the crashing of the waves against the sand Unconsciously moving to your tide

And I’ve lost sleep dreaming of you Clouds that settle like fog With our arms intertwined like ivy Reaching out to cling to the steadfast wood For shelter from the unyielding current Surely we can protect each other From that storm raging above the sea Whose frothy waves leave nothing unspoken

[extorvertsuperwholockinc]

Feel Good Reference

“Hey.”

Ready or not

Here I come free verse fuck this

I don’t like the sluggish feeling I’m pretty sure that’s senioritis Nope Nopitiy nope nope I can’t dial out I need to stay on my grind, keep up the grades The feeling I truly feel better this way Disassociate Vague allusions You don’t understand Music’s full of them Like the song I wrote yesterday (was that Tuesday) Oh, and the other thing The days blur together I don’t sleep enough (too much) The homework’s becoming a struggle Gotta tough it out till graduation Feels like I’m floating, barely staying afloat But it’s less stressful than the drowning I did last year That I miss This is all personal Just saying what I feel Stupid It’s not beautiful like I want Won’t make you think Like I want I want To go to bed Orange muffled voices Julienned cucumbers for lunch Yum

“Hi. It’s nice to meet you.”

[extorvertsuperwholockinc]

Until the Silence Creeps Back In

Please, give up your lines Don’t succumb to crimes Of listening only to talk Eyes glazing over as we walk Together and I attempt to share But you only forbear

Until the silence creeps back in

And then you have your opening Lines and phrases and chuckling All ready for you and highlighted But you cut out mine and moonlighted As a one man show I’m just here to listen I know

Until the silence creeps back in

I’m alone and re-writing myself Pulling out my dusty story from the shelf It’s been a long time since I’ve spoken I believe in leaving silence unbroken But you don’t, and I am becoming more tired Of your pretending to listen everything I admired

Until the silence creeps back in

Please, give up your lines There’s interesting words out there And they’ll grow, clinging to light like vines If you’ll only stop for a moment to be fair

Until the silence creeps back in

[extorvertsuperwholockinc]

Girl Next Door

Rooftop view. Bodies moving in time. I can move too you know. And she filmed me last night and I was really feeling myself. Always. Have you seen me lately? Damn that’s hot. Everything I do. Everyway. Not to get too X-rated, but girls do what boys do. I like to party. I mean dance. Not drink or drugs. That shit messes with my vibe. But to dance as the music blares and the lights flash is to lose yourself. If only for a moment. Oh yeah? Because then I want the control. I’m so high on dominance. I’m pulling all your strings and pull you along like a puppet. I own you. Like the pink handcuffs, a secret I love to share. So don’t be scared. I like to play. Wanna play with me? Careful. Bass drops. This is new. I’m not apologizing for my thoughts, but some seem edgy. Did you expect this from me? Thought I was the girl next door? Well I am. But she’s the kinky one. The one who has a collection and memories tinged red. Enjoy. Sit back and watch the show. I won’t promise you’ll leave unscathed, but I promise it’ll get done.

[extorvertsuperwholockinc]

Get The Job Done - Written While Listening to “Immigrants (We Get The Job Done)” From the Hamilton Mixtape

This issue runs deep. Ignites something in me. I feel the fire igniting. Duh duh duh. Didn’t we all come here looking for some action? Or was it safety? And I’ve started thinking of campaign speeches. Look how far I have left to go. My life has barely begun. And I’ve started getting used to simmering. I can’t seem to stop biting my tongue. I have to stay polite. Can’t burn any bridges. But I’ve been running hard. I’m working so hard. Does it intimidate you? Good. I like to walk with a swagger. To feel dangerous, superior. And why can’t I want that? Wasn’t it you who told me to do it wrong? To let go? Made fun of me for reading the book when the club called your name. Well here we go. 3 for 3. See if you can understand that? Am I speaking in your language? No? Well that sucks for you. Keep up. Catch up.You can’t catch this as I’m spinning. These ideas I’m tired of spitting. And you yell at me some more. Telling me I’ve been bullied because I’m a girl. Telling me not to talk, to listen to you instead. I bit my tongue then. Can I let it go now? Not yet.

[extorvertsuperwholockinc]

Frost Bitten Morning - Written while listening to Spring Day by BTS

It’s like I can’t think with this music in my head. And the snow’s falling now. I see blue and purple. The top I wear at the gym. It’s still purple. Even if you go. It’ll still be purple. And I’ll miss you. Friend. I think I’ll cry and fall apart. But I’d like to think I’d still run. Treadmills still work after loss. I’m no stranger to grief. Not anymore. And I write off my pain like no big deal. As if because I got over it, or because it could have been worse, I’m lucky. I am. Because you are alive. And I’m tired of hating you. Tired of not trusting you. But you texted me yesterday. I love you. Still. My gym top is still purple. I still love you. Always. No matter what. And that’s a promise. I’m done saying I’m done with you. I never meant it. Come back to me. I miss you. I miss how we could talk for hours, how you made me laugh so much I collapsed, or how you looked at me with that shy smile. I miss you. I won’t promise to be perfect. I get mad. But I imagine us dancing together at my wedding day. When that happens I’d like us to be as close as we were growing up. So I can cry and you can rub my back, as you fight your beautiful smile.

[extorvertsuperwholockinc]

Happy

I’d like to leave here on a happy note this time

To feel good and keep this addiction to rhyme

To give you, dear reader, a view into me

Which is frankly a pretty awesome place to see

Truth be told, I’m a happy camper

I’m just wired that way. Lucky with my serotonin

And endorphins as I run without error

Not to say life is easy, I’m not that tuned in

But most days I feel warm

And I slip out of bed comfortable, that’s the norm

Learning and social activities fly by

And my friends keep me from floating too high

Some days I can’t stay grounded anymore

I rise up so far, floating away as I soar

But it’s bad when I lose touch

The tears seemingly becoming a crutch

And it’s my friends who help me come down

It’s my friends who remove sadness’s crown

Then it’s back to sunshine and rainbows

The smile tugging at my lips with laughter in the halls

And the jokes go on for hours and happiness knows no close

My content nature spilling out, deaf to anger’s calls

So I think I’ll leave you on a happy note now

Shinning with my inner beauty before I bow

Find the people to ground you

Find the people who get you through

They are waiting for you. I promise.

[studybdy]

Effort won’t betray you

my korean friend when I asked her how she motivates herself for lessons that last until 11 pm each day (via studybdy)

I wish it was that simple. Just wow. Inspiring. Words to live by.

[extorvertsuperwholockinc]

Past Adventures in High School Romance

1. She looks at me with chocolate eyes

And Something electric, tingly happens

We’ll only ever have friendly ties

Loving girls isn’t in her atoms

2. I stare at him and he’s beautiful

Symmetrical face and toned arms

But this infatuation is superficial, only lustful

I’m not pretty enough for his charms

3. We laughed together in class

Banter that spilled into grins

But he said no when I asked

Friendship upset the romantic bowling pins

4. I could talk to her for hours

And we shared everything. Together.

Again she’s straight, immune to these powers

So I move on to something better.

5. I wanted him from day one

I made myself a promise on that bus

We became Benedict and Beatrice. I won.

But it was too much and without trust

6. I wasn’t expecting him

But I gave him a fair shot

We only ever snap-chatted on a whim

So I moved along, like it or not.

7. I’d been friends with him forever

The cuddles excited me and the tingles came back

So I took the plunge but he said whatever

It meant nothing. A friend zone of black.

8. I wanted to be in love that time

To adore the sweet, kind man

But it wasn’t real, no magic chime

So back to friendship I ran

9. Then a repeat of the one from before.

A mistake I called it. Always.

But that rush relieved the bore

So the time came again to part ways.

10. She knew how to dance backstage

And I wanted to be some much more

But her sexuality’s firm, in a straight cage

And I’m unsure what I’m looking for.

11. Now I’m a single Pringle

With two chips on my mind

And I’m ready to mingle

To give into the hormonal grind.

Yup. That’s high school for you, 

Complicated and beautiful with so much to do.

[extorvertsuperwholockinc]

Sparrow

We used to be friends

But now when I see her in the halls

My gut turns gray and dread amends

I never liked the way she drawled

Or the way she made fun of my body

My body that I am learning to love

But she would swoop in and turn me ugly

It was never healthy and I’m glad I’ve risen above

Those taunts, the threats

How she dated my crushes

And I was left failing her tests

But I’m happier now with these new blushes

For new friends, lovers, adventures

Free of the song bird’s superficial overtures 

[extorvertsuperwholockinc]

Words

Words have power. Did you know that? The only thing stronger than love is language. The ability to communicate what you need to be understood in a streamlined manner. Yet I find there is always a limit. This constant barrier between getting out what you need to have heard and actually articulating it. I should find it frustrating, and sometimes, I do. Mostly I just find it profound. How is that the words I have rehearsed in my head, with no problem, become so much heavier when I am with my crush? Why do words that seem so innocent like lover and love become almost impossible to say? Thinking them is easy and the thoughts flow untamed, yet I can never seem to get my stream of conciseness to gush out in the open. That’s nice actually. Thoughts and feelings will forever be mine. No matter what I say no one will ever fully understand me. My thoughts will be private and my head will be the safest place for me. At the end of the day words have power so use them wisely, but remember they have limits to so ask others if they understand.