“well, no problem, we’ll just use it to stop the bleeding.”
“this is huge! this is bigger than huge this is - what’s bigger than huge?”
“oh i’m so sorry, i just gave away the ending didn’t i?”
“i mean - how, how did this happen?”
“i mean isn’t that just kick you in the crotch, spit on your neck fantastic?”
“so what the hell happened to you?”
“there was always this little voice inside my head that kept saying its never going to happen.”
“i never would’ve gone for it with her if it hadn’t been for you.”
“how is that a silver lining?”
“you want to know what i’m thinking?”
“i was trying to spare your feelings.”
“okay, you have to stop the q-tip when there’s resistance!”
“okay, sweetheart, i’ll see you later.”
“you think you could close your eyes for just a sec?”
“i sort of did a stupid thing last night.”
“okay, ______, why don’t you just go get dressed and be on your way.”
“you’re not pathetic, you’re just sad.”
“this is about your horrible mistake.”
“okay, you’re going to have to not touch my ass.”
“you’re sure he’s going to be able to crack that code?”
“that isn’t the face of a person who trusts a person.”
“would you relax? i know what i am doing.”
“oh my god! oh my god i’m sorry i’m sorry i’m sorry!”
“it’s like there’s rock bottom, fifty feet of crap, then me.”
“what a bitch.”
“do you have any muffins left?”
“you can’t go shopping with her!”
“she will kill you like a dog in the street!”
“i really appreciate this.”
“we were shopping and we had lunch.”
“yeah, then i realized that im against that.”
“you bought boobs?”
“it’s not the first time i lost a girl to a cowboy spraying cologne.”
“don’t look so surprised, i’m a lovely person.”
“he likes it, reaffirms his faith.”
“what did you just do?”
“what is the big deal?”
“if you were at lunch alone, how come it cost you fifty three dollars?”
“someone must have stolen my credit card!”
“we only did it once, it didn’t mean anything to me!”
“this should be fun.”
“you can keep saying it but it won’t stop being true.”
“oh i’m sorry, did my back hurt your knife?”
“i’d do anything for you, you know that.”
“i really wanted you to like me.”
“what a manipulative bitch.”
“you’re messing with me, right?”
“we won!”
“you don’t believe in evolution?”
“it’s a nice story, i just think it’s a little too easy.”
“isn’t it amazing how much you can touch someone’s life without even knowing it?”
“we have to have this.”
“please tell me you’re joking.”
“what is this obsessive need you have to make everyone agree with you?”
“would you knock it off?”
“i’m going to end up alone just like he did.”
“when you’re married will you invite me over for holidays?”
“aw, sweetie, i’m sorry.”
“it’s the only possibility.”
“are you telling me that you are so unbelievably arrogant that you can’t admit that there’s a teeny tiny possibility that you could be wrong about this?”
“i’m going to die alone.”
“you are not going to die alone.”
“he was kind of a pain.”
“you’re all going to hell.”
“you must just think i’m weird.”
“there is nothing sexier than a man who does not want to have sex.”
“you know what i’d do? i’d wait.”
“what’s wrong with people having sex?”
“so i just watched them have sex.”
“you know that’s bad for the papertray.”
“i don’t know how to tell you this - i’m straight.”
“you just reach a point where you can’t live a lie anymore.”
“this has been great but i’m officially wiped.”
“i love you, _______.”
“so your brother’s straight, huh?”
“now, what exactly is in a cobb salad?”
“i mean, it is your first time with her.”
“well somebody got some last night.”
“you ever figure out what that thing’s for?”
“in case you were wondering, those are my legs on the new james bond poster.”
“we can talk about that.”
“could you be less enthused?”
“it just feels like charity.”
“i’m just trying to do a nice thing here.”
“why did you look at me when you said that?”
“come on! you do what you want to do.”
“you had sex today?”
“now i know it’s been a while but i took that as a good sign.”
“still doing that screening thing?”
“so, uh, you met someone huh?”
“it’d be rude to leave now.”
“it wasn’t a party so much as a, uh, gathering of people.”
“lovely girl, kind of moody.”
“there we go, all better.”
“can i see something?”
“he hates me!”
“come on, don’t do this.”
“i’ve taken care of like hundreds of kids.”
“you understood that?”
“i’m not like, some sloppy second charity band.”
“i don’t need your charity.”
“did you tell them about my squirt gun idea?”
“OW _________ let go of my hand!”
“we’re just two heterosexual guys doing the usual straight guy stuff.”
“we live in the building by the, uh, sidewalk!”
“are you sure he didn’t break it?”
“is there something repellant about me?”
“a woman literally passed through me.”
“wait, i’ve put on a little weight?”
“for all i care he can throw her through the damn thing.”
“if i seem a little nervous, i am.”
“how long do cats live? figuring you don’t throw them under a bus or something.”
“i mean he just started going out with her!”
“let’s talk about you.”
“you’re not having fun.”
“okay, you’re being a little weird about your phone.”
“i’m really happy for you and your cat, who by the way, i think you should name michael.”
“you’re over me?”
“when were you under me?”
“we were on a break!”
“it’s like a cows opinion. doesn’t matter. it’s moo.”
“so what? you had feelings for me first.”
“okay, i need to lie down.”
“i’m going to go get a cat.”
“I didn’t get a cat.”
“i love you both in very different ways.”
“i can’t find the remote.”
“this man is my god.”
“you think it’s easy for me to see you with ________?”
“hey, there was one italian guy okay?”
“fine, you go ahead and you do that!”
“you know, i try to stay positive.”
“ don’t make me do anything that i’ll regret.”
“get the wine and unplug the phone!”
“does this end well or do i need to get tissues?”
“that’s funny, painfully funny. no, wait, wait. yeah that’s just painful.”
“i got two words for you: threesome.”
“oh my god i can’t believe you let me put this in my mouth.”
“sweet lord, this is what evil must taste like!”
“it was horrible. she cried, i cried, she threw things, they hit me.”
“so, spock actually hugs his father?”
“well, what is it? let me see!”
“a lonely grey couch, oh look cried ned! and then the kingdom was his forever the end.”
“you’re the worst writer in the whole world!”
“you know what? this isn’t funny anymore.”
“just remember how crazy i am about you, okay?”
“you know, you’d be a great person to have around the day after an emergency.”
“you believe in that karma crap, don’t you?”
“these things just happen.”
“when somebody does not buzz you in that means go away.”
“come on, you gotta give me another chance!”
“i know how you must feel.”
“i never know how long you’re supposed to wait in this type of situation before you can talk again, y’know?”
“i don’t like it when people take food off my plate, okay?”
