During counseling yesterday I was completely checked out. I woke up that morning with the single word in my brain: Parents. That's all, nothing attached, just PARENTS. I was raised as the invisible child, something that I've also recently come to terms with.
Whenever I say that I was abused I always said, "I was abused emotionally, not physically". Almost like I was covering for them. Here is what my therapist said to me after I said that:
"______, you've still been abused though, you were left on your own to defend yourself while growing up. You're parents didn't nurture you, they used the cry it out method and still do to this day. Hell, they made fun of you when you'd cry so much you'd throw up. Even though they didn't leave any marks on you, it doesn't mean you weren't abused. Every time you've let them back into your life, you've gone back to therapy because something traumatic happens. They never go to therapy, but you do and they learn nothing. They've been pinning their problems on you before you were born, like calling you an accident and an "oops baby" your entire life. I'm telling you, there are people that should just not be parents and yours were not emotionally equipped or available."
It was like a train hit me. I started to cry, ugly cry. I was so sad and mad (smad) that I was learning more reasons as to why I'm fucked up. I'm 31 and I've been protecting them for so fucking long. I never realized I was going back to therapy whenever they did something. I have been in therapy, since I was 15 (for an eating disorder mainly), it feels very normal for me to be in it. But I never realized that 90% of the reason I'm still in there is because of them. Because they'll never get help. So I pass it down in hopes that something will stick and it never does. My mom has said, "You can go to therapy for me and let me know what I need to do" the last time she left her second session because she thought the therapist was "too young".
I feel like I've finally had a real breakthrough.
and a big fuck you to my previous therapist who told me to just "love them anyways".
izzy806
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