justsomethings

just some things

[ezetfo]

Well, glad to see some things never change. Like my depressive episodes.

I think it's getting worse? I honestly don't know.

Do I feel okay or do I just not care?

Why does my chest feel heavy?

Why do I feel like I'm drowning from the inside?

How do I even cry?

I only write here when I feel like shit it seems. I feel like I want to rest, but I am resting? And yet I feel like I am not?

I don't laugh at the things I used to laugh, the amusing is no longer amusing, and yet the sun is warm and the breeze is nice. The shower is warm, and my bed is comfortable.

How do I breathe?

How do I wake up?

How do I sleep?

I want to sleep, my eyes feel heavy, and yet here I am.

[ezetfo]

Well, life is still shitty and somehow wonderful at times. Sometimes I forget, and I just exist for a minute.

I haven't been okay, nor for a long time but, I am managing somehow even if barely.

I feel like I need something, but I guess most of us feel like that.

[ezetfo]

Well my grandpa is pulling through. It's been a hardcore mess, but he is doing fine. He is recovering care and pills and therapy, and he is doing his best.

On another note, it's weird having the realization that I am having a depressive episode and actually acknowledging it and just trying not to fall too deep into that mess

[ezetfo]

Would have hoped something good happened... But it didn't.

My grandpa is sick. Like a hospice kind of sick.

[ezetfo]

Sometimes things get so tiring. Year after year after year after year, so fucking tired. I hate it and I hate that I feel like that and I hate that some part of me wants to fucking live.

The morning cold, the warmth of the blankets after a shower, that stupid giggle that gets out of me when I trip. It makes me feel just so... Present.

I hate it, I hate my desire to live and my inability to be able to live life the way I think I want to live it.

[ezetfo]

My grandma never really liked me, and now she says I have grown up so much and loves me and I don't know how to deal with that.

I have grown used to read between the lines, read her mood in her actions, and always being afraid that she may be in a bad mood.

I went home this past Christmas after a year of almost no contact, and suddenly they say I came home a better person, a more mature and helpful person.

I hate it.

I am hurt for that small child I used to be that was so innocent and never had to be cautious of a simple comment. Apparently my mom's presence is the only thing that made them be cautious of what they said to me, when I was old enough to not be stuck to my mom's side the remarks began.

I was never enough for my grandma, and now that I have lost something I wish I still had in me, suddenly I am enough.

I hate myself, I hate that part of me that had to grow cynical, twisted, spiteful, and hypocritical to survive her and all those family members that follow.

A pit of snakes and a mouse that had to dress like a snake, a mouse that never can become a mouse again.

[ezetfo]

I just got a paid internship, I have never had a job in my life, I will be 25 tomorrow and it's just so weird and I am feeling anxious and afraid. I didn't even expect to get the internship, I'm afraid of messing up.

[ezetfo]

Right now it's getting harder to make myself meals, I just feel too tired to think and move. Maybe I should just buy soups, they make me feel comfortable and warm.

[ezetfo]

My mom used to rent, so she had been living in the same apartment for almost 13 years. I haven't been able to go back home for a long time as i now live in another country because of things i now regret. They sold the house and she had to move suddenly.... It just struck that I'm never going to be able to go back to the place i made so many memories, i basically finished growing there, my home, my mom's house, it's just gone. She lives now in a house i don't know, and i just... I guess i just thought i would always have that place to return to, to pick up where i left off and now i can't.

I miss my house, my family, i miss the food, i miss falling asleep on the couch, i miss my spot by the window at the dinner table, i miss the smell of the bed sheets, i miss sitting outside with my family at night, i miss the wind, the warmth, the cold floors, and it hurts to forget what i used to do while i lived there.

[ezetfo]

Fuck

[ezetfo]

It's cold as fuck

[ezetfo]

I legit said "this is the skin of a killer, bella" And my friends didn't get it 🫠😮‍💨

[ezetfo]

I shouldn't have had hope, it feels like a speck of light going against the sun, i can see that small dream go further and further away. It feels like sand castles slowly easing away with the ocean waves.

It hurts, so much.

[ezetfo]

I feel like shit

[ezetfo]

I don 't want to hope but, i just can't help but feel hopeful.

I want to cry in relief but if everythings downhill i will feel myself shatter even more painfully than ever.

I feel conflicted about my feelings, i want to hold it in and not let them free.

I am afraid.

[ezetfo]

I bought dino nuggets :)

[ezetfo]

Sometimes i don't know if i hate myself or just hate everything around me.

I fed myself on sweetness and peace, now i don't know how to deal with reality.

I just need everything to stop, just for a day. No time, no life. I just want to be lost and aimless for a day.