Failed Attempts

bout to expose every guy that ruined me. (jk most of it is my fault). These stories are being told years after they happened and are as I remember, please keep in mind there are always 3 sides to every story, this side is mine.

[f-attempts]

Kyler

Kyler. Where do I start? You came into my life at my worst and you’re still here to tell the story.

Kyler was a college friend of one of my best friends. I visited her and my other friends that went to the same school at least 2-3 weekends a month. I was still recovering from my breakup with Anthony that had occurred just a few months prior. Parties and alcohol were my favorite allies. Kyler had also been going through a breakup, but he seemed to have been handling it better than I.

I knew there was something different about Kyler from the day I met him. He’s a very special person to me, so I’m trying to be very purposeful as to how I tell his part of my story. Just know, this story isn’t meant to display Kyler in any bad way.

After the first weekend we met, Kyler and I started texting constantly, everyday. Sometimes, we’d talk about everything, other times, we’d communicate merely through emojis, I didn’t mind what it was, as long as his name popped up on my phone. My favorite times though, we’re when “YOU’RE CUTE” in all caps would pop up, I’d respond with the same energy. 

Our friends didn’t necessarily love the fact that we were talking this way to each other. My best friend, to this day, the one that introduced Kyler and I, explained to each of us that she didn’t think we were ready for a relationship. She worried we’d ruin friendships and hurt each other if we continued with this. Kyler was more compliant than I was. With his lead, we stopped talking. This only lasted a few weeks though, as we couldn’t help ourselves and I couldn’t understand why I’d stop talking to someone who had a talent of making me smile more than I’d ever thought possible. 

Kyler and I liked to watch AHS together. Well, he liked it, I liked the way he’d hold me when I got scared. (Which was most of the time.) One night, we were all at a party and Kyler and I ended up leaving early. We walked to the gas station right off campus so Kyler could pick up a pack of cigarettes and then we headed back to his dorm. We talked the whole walk back. About our parents and their divorces, our childhoods, exes, everything. When we got back to his dorm, we sat on the futon and he turned on AHS, of course. This started to get a little more physical than the kissing that had become a regular for us. I kind of froze. He was the second person I had done anything like this with. We didn’t go all the way, but I’m sure what we did do was horrible. At that moment, I realized I may not of been over my breakup yet. I’m sorry for that night, Kyler.

After that night, things felt awkward between Kyler and I. To this day, we haven’t mentioned it. It had disappeared, until now. We talked for a bit after that, and then it slowly dwindled. We had moved to the friend zone. A month later, around November, Kyler was dating a girl from back home and wasn’t on campus as much. To this day, Kyler and I are friends. I can say with pure confidence that Kyler is and always will be one of my favorite people in this world, wether he believes it or not. 

[f-attempts]

Anthony

I met Anthony my senior year of high school. He went to a different school than I did, but, like me, he did one act plays. We met at the first meet of the year. After the meet, we had a wrap party and invited his school’s cast to join us. Anthony got my number from a friend of mine, and it all started from there. A week later, Anthony and I had become a high school couple.

Here’s the thing about Anthony. When I found out that I, out of all my friends, was the one he liked, I felt so special. No one had ever shown an interest in me the way he did. I felt unworthy of this and that made me feel as if I had to work hard to keep him interested. So, when the warning signs started to creep in, I was quick to push them back into the shadows. I heard them, I wish I could say whispers, but they were screams. Not only from friends, but from people I barely knew. So many people had warned me, and I had heard them, but I did not listen. 

Anthony did not treat me the way a real boyfriend should, but I did not know any better. (or atleast I pretended not to.) When I reflect on our relationship now, I see more bad than good. I see tears rolling down my eyes on car rides home from dates that I had been ignored at. I see picking up my intoxicated boyfriend from parties he swore he wouldn’t go to. I see texts from girls on his phone that he told me I was crazy to worry about. I see a sad 18 year old girl yearning to be loved and a manipulative 18 year old boy who had no clue how to love. 

I was insecure during our 8 month relationship. Any thought I had of my own, he put down. He had a talent of constantly making me feel uncomfortable with myself. Anthony made it apparent that he did not want me around until he needed a sober ride home. There were so many red flags that Anthony was cheating on me, but any time I had worked up the courage to ask him about it, he not only denied the accusation but left me thinking I was crazy for thinking he would do such a thing. 

Anthony broke up with me in August, right before he left for college. He’d tried to tell me he needed to focus on school, but I knew that I would be too much of a burden and this would be the easiest way for him to do it. He got to break my heart and then leave, he wouldn’t have to be around for my fall. 

This broke me. I was still blinded to the bad things he had done to me. To this day, I’m not sure if he’s aware of doing this or not, but he had manipulated me into thinking he was a great person and everything was my fault. All I knew was he was the first boy that was interested in me, my first time, my first anything. And he was gone. 

To say I freaked out would’ve been an understatement. I did some crazy things I’ll probably never mention. (insert a little shout out to the ex-friends who recently decided to tell my little sister about these times, you suck.) The next few months were spent at parties. Drinking, smoking and making out with random people. Of course, most of these nights ended in tears. I became that girl. 

Many of my friends went to the same college, so I spent most of my weekends visiting them and drowning my sorrows. One night, as we were at a party, one of mine and Anthony’s mutual friends confirmed it for me. He asked if I had realized Anthony had cheated on me a majority of our relationship. This question still rings in my head today. Of course, deep down, I had already known that, but to hear a friend confirm it, I didn’t know how to react. Why didn’t anyone speak up about it until now? Now that it’s all over. 

[f-attempts]

Intro

Growing up, I had always been a hopeless romantic (uck). From every little mermaids dream, Prince Eric to pre-teen pop heartthrob, Aaron Carter, I had dreamed and fantasized about what it would be like to be in a relationship with these fictional, out of reach men. Which is probably why I am the way I am now, if we’re reading that far into it.

At my daycare age, before having to be trapped in the prison we call the public school system, I had boys wrapped around my finger. My parents still remind me of a time that I was juggling 3 boys who all thought they were my little boyfriends. I don’t know what the hell happened to that girl, but if it’s at all possible I’d to have a chat with her and see if she could maybe teach me her ways.

As I got older, around middle school, all my friends seemed to have at least one boy interested in her. And, as if all of a sudden, all of the girls knew how to talk to boys. You could even dare to say they knew how to flirt with boys. I was so lost as to how they magically learned these new life skills. I, on the other hand, could barely even look at a boy I semi-liked with out feeling my lunch come up my throat. I had one boy, who had been my friend since daycare, tell my friends he want to be my boyfriend. So, of course, I spent the next week avoiding him and running away from him on the playground. I couldn’t even imagine talking to him let alone being his “girlfriend”.

In high school, my friends always had boyfriends. Wether they were “long term” (as in maybe around a year) or month long flings, it became fairly obvious I was the only one without a boy constantly into her (or it felt as though I was the only one). My first boyfriend, Hunter, asked me to be his girlfriend in 10th grade. That was very short lived, of course. Hunter broke up with me 19 days later because i was “too awkward” and “wouldn’t hug [him] after school”. My first kiss didn’t come until the summer after my junior year. This fact is always very shocking to new people I meet. Of course, I’m not bragging about this to everyone I cross paths with. The kiss was very short and simple and was given to me by a close friend of mine. The next “monumental” encounter I had with a boy came about half way through my senior year. Which, leads me to the story of my first failed attempt.

To be continued.

AMR 💛