Do you guys ever wonder who you were before trauma?
Cause like.. I'd say my biggest trauma was my 1st-4th grade teacher who was emotionally abusive to me and almost all the other kids. She overworked us a lot, as well as did a whole lot stuff which I won't be going into
This specific thing has stayed with me for years, even now. It shaped the way I act, the way I perceive some things, even badly regressed my speech and social skills. I know it's not as bad as what others went through, but it's something I'll never forget.
A lot of my behaviour wouldn't be my natural personality, but more so trauma reactions.
For example— My constant overthinking and anxiety. Now it's kind of better, but before it was literal hell. I remember thinking I did something wrong all the time, for no particular reason. I also used to notice every slight change in someone's tone and stuff like that. Which is actually a fairly common trauma response from what I've heard.
And I think a lot more negatively now in general.
I am constantly defensive too (irl, not online!!) and feel like everybody is out to get me. I seem extremely closed off at first and have a big fear of interacting with new people. I people please quite a lot too. And so on.
Due to this.. I can't help but wonder who I was before everything happened? I don't remember anything.
Most of my memories are upsetting. While I barely remember anything good. That doesn't mean it was all bad, though. I know it wasn't. Everyone says I was such a happy girl.
I can only go off of what others tell me, but even then, it's not enough. I don't even know who I am now.
If my whole personality is built off of trauma reactions, is it really a personality?
I don't know who I NATURALLY am. I don't even make sense half the time. I am a walking contradiction.
So. Who was I? Who am I?? Is there actually a real me? Who is she?? I don't remember her at all.
Sorry lol. This was just something I wanted to get off my chest, I suppose.
Gosh. I'd make such a great OC 🙏
