i need to journal but im honestly way too tired so excuse my rambling pleeaaasee
im becoming a human for the first time (again) and its so lovely but so overwhelming. im getting a sense of myself and its fragile, i need to keep a hold of myself if i want to avoid more codependency. i think i’ll be ok though. i think i can do it.
those boys are my family. but im genuinely worried i will lose them. i cant force them to stay, though. i wont be that person. ill appreciate them while i have them, ill make them feel loved while i can, and hope they decide to stay, because ill always be here for them.
other than my grandparents, i went so long without being touched in any way, that any and all physical affection i show and am shown is overwhelming. its ice water down a parched throat, a warm fire in the bitter cold, coming home after too long. james’ hand on my arm as a greeting, my back as reassurance, wrapped around me tight to say goodbye (sometimes its hello). he calls me his sister. i know hes joking, but i love him as a brother. resting my head on val’s knee, legs propped on his chair, taking his scarf straight from his shoulders as i drop my glasses over his nose. the way he says ‘take care’ as a good bye, the only time hes serious all day, as though hes worried that in the twelve hours we spend apart i could be hurt. the way jake’s shoulder dips as he stoops for a hug, the fact theyve been getting more frequent lately. i hold my heart in my hands, they flutter over every bruise, cut, scrape. i hold my heart in my hands, its why i rest them on their shoulders, its why i tug at jake’s arm as he walks past, its language, its communication. its an im here, youre here. you did good. are you ok? how was your weekend? im getting a coffee, did you want one too? jake doesnt push away my hands. he doesnt freeze under them, or shudder, as i always fear he will. he accepts it, i suppose. as though its natural. perhaps it is. i dont know how genuine friendships work. im scared that theyre looking to get rid of me, leave at the 6th and move on. i look for my rational voice, the best gift jake could have given me. it helps. jake is very tough love with me, though. i dont understand it. hes not as hard on any of the others, but he is just as attentive and supportive of me as he is for them. but he doesnt talk to me as much, hes firmer when he does. he doest tell me to fuck off, though. hes hard, but never mean. does he know? is he the same? i see so many signs in him. is that why he treats me like this? he recognises how fundamentally alike we are? even that aside, were so much the same in so many ways. he breaks my heart.ill miss him, if i lose him. lord dont let me lose him
janainaart
jbbartram-illu
dededos
origamiaround
romaincrisis
ellievsbear
snowghoul
