Facts

All facts reported herein are made up and presented for entertainment and satire. If any facts posted by this site are true, it is only by mistake. Now you can't sue me.

[facts-i-just-made-up]

Why is Brazil spelled with a Z in English but not in Portuguese?

English has the letter Z (pronounced zee) but in Europe it's called "Zed" and to quote famous boxer Butch Coolidge, "Zed's dead baby, Zed's dead."

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I feel like this YouTube AI summary may not be entirely accurate to the video...

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This one is also probably inaccurate but it sounds worth reading...

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I feel like this YouTube AI summary may not be entirely accurate to the video...

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When the chef asks you what sort of image file you’re using to retain visual info for postproduction to make their food look delicious:

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Any moon facts? 👀

Earth's moon, or "The Moon" as it's sometimes called on Earth, is the only natural satellite of Earth, or "Earth," as it's sometimes called on the moon. The moon is the opposite of the sun, which is properly called the 'Shlomo' but its friends call it Sol.

The moon is made mostly of silica and magnesia, the milk of which curdles into the green cheese that we see on its surface. The moon has a hot molten core, which means it is definitely not a Hot Pocket.

Scientists used to believe that the moon had no atmosphere, but in fact it originated the "Warm Grey" aesthetic, which is one of the most nauseating atmospheres outside of Venus's "Sad Beige."

The moon has a light side and a dark side. The Dark Side of the Moon was an inspiration for the popular Pink Floyd album, "Live at Knebworth 1990."

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Yo. How often does metal rot?

Metall ist "rot" wenn es rostet.

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dear truest fact source: what happens to our muscles when we exercise?

Nothing. You have no muscles. Muscles are a myth invented by the Protein Industrial Complex to cheat America out of billions of dollars in Whey.

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nipples pierced ?

Nipples pierced the visual purity of the realm that was tumblr. Once a safe haven for the morally upright, the ethically sound, and the sexually repressed, tumblr was blasted by the philosophical furnace of the first nipples ever posted on the internet. A selfie by margaret-thatchers-explosively-prolapsing-trachea showed not just one but two individual nipples, and to the horror of all who followed the channel for its wise political commentary, the nipples were presented as female.

Tumblr was instantly torn in half. On one side, gore blogs proliferated, porn went nuts and some say, showed nuts. Blogs like goblin-cock-remade-XII, 5uck-the-f1o0r-lint, jacked-off-by-frozen-dead-labia, and mumford-and-sons-official posted horror and carnal beauty alike. Humor ran wild with distaste, discourse ran bloody with additional fluids. It was hell to some, paradise to others, just like Seattle.

On the other side were the moralists and religious blogs such as president-kennedys-vag-hair, anal-sputum696969, and feathered-rectum-weevil, who posted only good natured and inoffensive posts. Art, but only clothed realist art from 19th century England; Music, but only classical and soft jazz; Writing, but nothing so obscene as D.H. Lawrence or Shel Silverstain. It was paradise to some, hell to others, just like Salt Lake City.

Then, in 2013, tumblr was bought by a bunch of yahoos from an unknown web service. They took it upon themselves to clean up tumblr, to ban the nipples, to prohibit the gore, and to introduce 15 ads per each 10 item dashboard reload. The war was over, the corporations had won. Thankfully no economic or moral tyranny so severe could ever happen to anything else in America or we would be truly doomed.

Now, tumblr is mixed in content but leans toward rehashes of old discourse, implied nudity, and art that can have blood but no penetration. Now is the season of gentler blogs. Blogs such as blood-jizz-slutdemon, clitoral-needle-gang, and satan-lucifer-devil-666-rainbow-dash-eyestab-machine, who post mostly fandom with a teaspoon of soft product placement.

And of course, gimmick blogs, who still linger to mock upstanding fact blogs and cause general chaos, should it amuse their followers. They are truly the worst of all.

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Unpopular Opinion

Just because I’m an “unholy abomination” from “the netherworld” who “eats the flesh of the living” doesn’t mean I deserve to be shot at with a crossbow.

[anremithrl]

That’s neither a fact you made up, nor an unpopular opinion.

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Judging by my wounds you are sadly wrong on both counts.

[the-walrus-squad]

Three awesome books by Baroque Forrest:

Boxes is a grimdark descent through a labyrinth of strange and quite satirical horrors with a few people who deserve a better fate.

Tales From A Mall cranks up the absurdity and the humor to their maximum for an Invader-Zim-worthy farce of corporate hell, runaway consumerism, and rat vorticies.

Rabbit Hunt is Forrest's best and most stunning work yet, beyond dark and emotionally powerful, this is a world built on absolute nightmare and the world-building is as good as it gets.

Whichever way you go, you will find something quite unlike the mainstream or anything it will likely ever have the guts to offer.

Please check out the official tumblr for more details!

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Not unreality, bumping books worth reading!

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The idea that everyone is only six people away from knowing anyone else is actually a statistical error. Everyone is one degree apart because we all have the same cousin, a skater named Throckmorton.

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Unpopular Opinion

Just because I’m an “unholy abomination” from “the netherworld” who “eats the flesh of the living” doesn’t mean I deserve to be shot at with a crossbow.

[facts-i-just-made-up]

Duskbloods Characters Revealed!

A network test for From Software's new game "The Duskbloods" has revealed a seven of the new playable protagonists. Let's take a look!

1: Scruffy Bill Palewimple

Scruffy Bill just woke up and has a bad hangover. Playing as Bill is difficult as he is very sensitive to light and loud noises, which is most of the game. He can however yell at people, attack with acidic vomit, and freeze other players by singing trite butt-rock lyrics loudly and poorly. He is voiced by Shaun Morgan.

2: Jessup Pachamapontz, Slayer of Unas

Jessup is a bit of a glass cannon. With his double bladed axe he can cut down enemies in one blow, but he has only his dirty night clothes for protection and can die fast on a cold night, or from embarrassment if his back flap falls open. He is voiced by Lance Henriksen.

3: Flintlock Frances

An iconic sniper character, Frances can kill nearly anything with a headshot, but has to fight off numerous extra people who pressure her to quit her job as a mercenary sniper and work as a choreographer in NYC. She is voiced by Greta Gerwig, mostly as aimless mumbling.

4: Stompgobble Toothrexx

Little is know about this beast of a character who is usually a dinosaur, but can become a fearsome and disgusting beast called a "senator." Their background includes time as a police officer who once stopped a billionaire's plot to start a new ice age. They are voiced by Frank Welker.

5: Orbeezus the Lesser, God of Mueslixia

A large iron ball that rolls around the field, collecting items and monsters it touches. If Orbeezus does not collect a large enough wad of items to forge a new planet by the end, it will be berated by his father, Orbeezus the Greater, who is a total jerk. It is voiced by recordings of a feline digestive tract.

6: The Ferroalloy Giant

Fresh from a cold war era glacier, this kind fellow managed to assemble himself from random parts all over the world. He is well armored, and a pacifist, making it impossible to win the game. But morally speaking, this is easily the best character, even if he did poorly at the box office. He is voiced by Vin Diesel, pending a lawsuit from Warner Bros.

7: Lady Wartorella von Toadbosom

Lady von Toadbosom is a six legged frog with a colossal tongue and a generous smile. Able to hop nearly halfway across the map, her mobility is limited by her constant need to visit her dentist, Sir Laurence O'Frogtoothier to maintain her many, many teeth. She is voiced by Dame Judi Dench, who also provided action motion-capture.

[facts-i-just-made-up]

Duskbloods Characters Revealed!

A network test for From Software's new game "The Duskbloods" has revealed a seven of the new playable protagonists. Let's take a look!

1: Scruffy Bill Palewimple

Scruffy Bill just woke up and has a bad hangover. Playing as Bill is difficult as he is very sensitive to light and loud noises, which is most of the game. He can however yell at people, attack with acidic vomit, and freeze other players by singing trite butt-rock lyrics loudly and poorly. He is voiced by Shaun Morgan.

2: Jessup Pachamapontz, Slayer of Unas

Jessup is a bit of a glass cannon. With his double bladed axe he can cut down enemies in one blow, but he has only his dirty night clothes for protection and can die fast on a cold night, or from embarrassment if his back flap falls open. He is voiced by Lance Henriksen.

3: Flintlock Frances

An iconic sniper character, Frances can kill nearly anything with a headshot, but has to fight off numerous extra people who pressure her to quit her job as a mercenary sniper and work as a choreographer in NYC. She is voiced by Greta Gerwig, mostly as aimless mumbling.

4: Stompgobble Toothrexx

Little is know about this beast of a character who is usually a dinosaur, but can become a fearsome and disgusting beast called a "senator." Their background includes time as a police officer who once stopped a billionaire's plot to start a new ice age. They are voiced by Frank Welker.

5: Orbeezus the Lesser, God of Mueslixia

A large iron ball that rolls around the field, collecting items and monsters it touches. If Orbeezus does not collect a large enough wad of items to forge a new planet by the end, it will be berated by his father, Orbeezus the Greater, who is a total jerk. It is voiced by recordings of a feline digestive tract.

6: The Ferroalloy Giant

Fresh from a cold war era glacier, this kind fellow managed to assemble himself from random parts all over the world. He is well armored, and a pacifist, making it impossible to win the game. But morally speaking, this is easily the best character, even if he did poorly at the box office. He is voiced by Vin Diesel, pending a lawsuit from Warner Bros.

7: Lady Wartorella von Toadbosom

Lady von Toadbosom is a six legged frog with a colossal tongue and a generous smile. Able to hop nearly halfway across the map, her mobility is limited by her constant need to visit her dentist, Sir Laurence O'Frogtoothier to maintain her many, many teeth. She is voiced by Dame Judi Dench, who also provided action motion-capture.

[facts-i-just-made-up]

Why do people yell "FORE" before hitting golf balls?

It’s short for “NEE NAW NEE NAW WARNING HIDE YOUR MINGES HIDE YOUR *FORE*SKINS A GOLF BALL IS OUT ON THE PROWL!!!”

[facts-i-just-made-up]

The "RedRum" Lawsuit

FIJMU History Series 8-22-26 by Cujo Claiborne XIX

The year was 1977. Star Wars was a big hit in theaters and J.R.R. Tolkien released his masterpiece The Silmarillion, undeterred by his death in 1973. Another book came out that year however. Drenched in horror, gore, trauma and fear, this book would terrify generations to come with its grotesque and dark nature. That book, Bridge to Terabithia, had a modest release however as a lighter novel by Stephen King was also in stores: The Shining.

Stephen King was hired in 1975 by Overlook Liquor Company to write an epic product placement novella for its signature RedRum beverage. After the success of his novel "Worst Freakin’ Prom Date Ever" in 1974 (later re-titled simply "Carrie") RedRum’s brand manager Brandi Mangier hired King for a story, no longer than 50 pages, to feature RedRum liquor in a positive roll. What he delivered was sadly not to their sommelierific tastes.

“The Shining” won rave reviews as his scariest horror novel yet, but at over 400 pages and featuring the RedRum brand as an element of the haunted “Overlook” hotel, Mangier felt it was an affront to both contract and literary ethics, and a lawsuit was filed only days after the book’s release.

According to the lawsuit, King made a mockery of the brand, which Mangier explained, “was, until Mr. King’s novel, synonymous with good taste. RedRum is among the most respected liquors, made with the blood of Hollywood elites, elevator aged since 1921, locked in a refrigerator until a ghost opens the door, agitated by a man in a dog suit, tapped gently with roque mallets, and flavored with the contents of a bathtub that only a few employees and one old woman know the contents of.”

King managed to evade the lawsuit by simply delivering a 50 page cut of the novel which held only portions relating to RedRum and the family material about overcoming alcoholism. The company of course declined to publish this and it remains one of King’s most famous lost works, though it is rumored that Stanley Kubrick used this draft in lieu of the finished novel for his 1980 film adaptation, which explains several key differences including the famous “The Flavor of RedRum is the Flavor of Colorado” musical number.

Overlook Liquor Company went bankrupt in 1997 and RedRum is no longer available. Oddly, Stephen King himself bought up its remaining assets, including the recipe for RedRum liquor, of which his is now the caretaker. The sole caretaker. In fact…

...He has always been the caretaker.