The Water’s Edge: The Pier
(Please see the commentary at the end for some explanation of this post)
The Water’s Edge: The Pier
She stood there, surrounded by the strange fog, it seemed to have a mind of it’s own from the way it swirled around her ankles. It all flowed from the pier at the edge of the dark lake, the moon cast it’s eerie glow all around her. Her steps were heavy and uneven, her breath labored and shallow. She seemed pulled by the fog without even an ounce of hesitation, resigned to her fate.
He called to her but she didn’t seem to hear him. She just kept walking towards the pier which seemed to call to her. Little did he know that it did…
All she could see was the gate and it’s tendrils of fog. They reached for her, pulling her and stealing her breath and voice. She just kept walking, what else did she have to do? All that she could hear was it’s voice. Low and slick, it seemed to drip with rage and malice. It called to her to itself, to join those who had already walked through. Though she tried to fight with every step she kept moving. Now the gate’s fog began playing back her life for her eyes. It was hazy as though through a waking dream or a fading memory
He yelled to her but she didn’t listen. His voice was growing hoarse as he grew more and more worried. She kept walking and he started to run. He had to stop her before she walked straight into the dark lake. He knew that no one could save her once she touched the water. All of a sudden he was thrown back. Looking up he saw what stood in his way… the creature looked at him with hate pouring from his yellow eyes. His high low gravelly voice told him to stay down or die. He got back up grabbing a handful or dirt…
Now she saw her mother, the women she lost at such a young age. She was barely five when she died. It had stolen the life from her father’s eyes. But in this vision she was twisted. Her auburn hair was black and her green eyes red, dark circles surrounded those horrible eyes. She called to her daughter to join her… She was terrified but couldn’t stop her feet from moving. She was being drawn by something more powerful than her will…
He threw the soil at the creature's face and jumped at it. He only landed one blow before he was batted back down to earth. He rolled away from the incoming kick and grabbed a fallen limb…
Now the vision in the swirling gate changed again. A meadow from her childhood, Flowers of all types and colors, trees as green as could be imagined, the little creek flowed with water that was crystal clear. Now it too shifted, until all she saw was dust brown grass and gnarled burned stumps. What little water that flowed was reddish black. She tried hard to turn her gaze away but it remained stuck on the gate.
He jumped up swinging the limb as hard as he could. He heard it crack on the creature's arm; it growled in pain and instinctively flinched. He took the chance to jump at it again. He managed one clean hit and got a hand on one of it’s swords before being thrown off. He regained balance and tried to balance the large black crooked sword in enough time to block the blow from it’s twin. He glanced towards the lake and saw she only grew closer…
Now she saw her father, the man who turned to drinking to soothe the pain of the loss of his wife. He had never lashed out at his children he simply drank till he slept; One day not too long ago he didn’t wake up. But long gone was that man in this vision, Here he yelled and lashed out. He was beating his eldest son without mercy; the dark circles also encircled his now red eyes. He now looked at her and showed a twisted grin. His gnarled teeth gleaming grey. He beckoned to her. “come”...
He brought the blade around. It was far too heavy and he was no swordsman, but it was the only thing he had to keep her safe. It was easily parried by the monstrous Creature. It kicked him back and let loose a long and cruel laugh, “Give up boy” it bellowed, “You can’t save her, she’s ours now”. He just walked forward again fighting despair.
She felt her feet hit the wood of the pier and trembled, It wasn’t far now and the gate’s fogs began to swirl and change colors, the water around her began to boil and the steam joined the unnatural ether. A low moaning sound began to come from the gate and it showed her a beautiful woman.
He let loose a yell and charged one last time at the Creature. His sword smashed against the creature’s and the noise rang through the whole area, anger and adrenaline giving him more speed and power. The Creature was caught off guard but blocked the blows. He finally got an advantage and took the swing but found himself on the ground with a thick foot on his chest and blood running from his face, “Nice try young one” It laughed. “Now watch her walk into our world”.
The woman was gorgeous, everything about her was perfect. Her face was an unblemished white. Her hair a beautiful brown. She gazed upon the women wondering what she was doing in the portal. Then it opened it’s eyes…
The Creature stood on him crushing him and forcing the air out of his lungs with it’s foot. His sword hand was also pinned to the ground by the creatures other foot. He had failed…
The eyes were black, dead cursed black. They were empty of all life and were terrifying. Now it opened it’s mouth and spoke, It’s voice was low and deep full of malice. “Welcome you poor soul, Welcome to the world you will never leave.” Now she made a noise, a scream escaped from her throat…
He heard her scream at the same time creature did, it turned his head in surprise. He saw his opportunity and took it. He reached and smashed his fist into the creature’s knee; it didn’t break it but weakened it enough for him to bring it down with a roll. It crashed down beside him as he rolled, and he brought his sword into it’s throat. He got up and ran towards the pier…
The women only laughed at her scream, “nothing can save you now dear. Surrender to us and walk into the water” she kept walking as the moans became louder and deeper, rising like a wave and crashing against her.
The water seemed to glow with a color she had never seen and the women kept laughing, her laugh haunted her and it seemed to make the waters stir even more. Now the fog grabbed at her and her whole body stung at it’s touch. She was at the edge at had on foot over. The woman smiled her twisted smile and said “welcome child”.
But then something happened.
She felt the hand grab her and the world around her exploded. The woman’s laugh turned to an ear splitting scream and the waters roared around her, the fog and steam started to sporadically writhe as if it were in pain. She felt cold and her vision darkened as she fell…
He grabbed her around her waist and fell back with her; she had almost stepped off into the water where he would have lost her forever. She was unconscious in his arms but she wasn’t in the water, pale and cold yes, but safe. With the last of his strength he carried her off the pier and collapsed holding her.
There they rested for a little while, he holding her tightly terrified to let her go for the fear she might walk to the water again. She breathing steadily but still unconscious. After some while a passerby found them, he shuddered when he realized where he was. They said these waters and the land around it was cursed and it seemed the man believed it when he ran back into the woods. Soon a group of people slowly emerged from the woods and carried the two of them away from the water’s edge. The sun started peaking over the trees to the west. Casting long shadows among the ancient pines and illuminating the grounds.
The man realized there was no blood or signs of a struggle, All the remained were the bruises and cuts that now decorated his body. He stood silently for a second before going to take her hand.
The woman looked back at the pier and shuddered. She felt cold creep up her limbs and her breath leave her body. Tears slowly rolled down her cheek as she half limped along the path back to her home hand in hand with her lover.
Hiding in the tall pines from across the lake a creature stood and watched. As tall as two men it stood silently watching his prey leave. It slowly turned away from the lake and whispered coldly “next time my love we will have what we need” and he strode silently through the deep forest looking for his next hunt. He had done this for ages and wouldn’t be discouraged by one escaped child. As he left fog filled in behind as he blended into the darkness. His time would come again soon.
I feel like I should break my rule about putting my commentary at the end of a post for this one (but after looking at the length of this I won’t). The original document can be traced back several year ago to December 12, 2010 at 0530 AM (even years ago I was still a night owl apparently) and the last edit I made prior to the ones I’m publishing today were on April 5, 2011. So yeah this story is very old in terms of what I publish. I was originally very proud of this story when I first finished it. I sent it to several friends who enjoyed stories and such and got a very positive response from it. Then I just let it sit for a while never intending to do much with it in terms of further editing or publishing (I at the time only published poems on facebook via their “Notes” function) and moved on to other projects including more in the series I called “The Water’s Edge” more because I liked the idea of cursed lake(spoilers) than anything else about it. I actually did write a couple more stories in the series (I’m calling it that more out of spite to myself because it’s all really dumb and bad) but never felt the same about them. The second story felt forced and stilted to me (Daughter rescuing her father) and the third I never actually finished ( I don’t know what I was thinking or trying to do looking back), the only good thing to come out of it was the poem I set in the same world ( http://failure-never-blogs.tumblr.com/post/150012138849/mourning-sunrise ) that I liked okayish.
After that I was done with the stories and their world. I put them away in a folder in my computer and didn’t think about them for a couple months until a friend mentioned there was an arts competition in the town I was living in and that I should submit a story and a poem. I did it more as a throw away action to say I did it more than anything else and didn’t worry about it again (those were the last minute edits I made back in the day). Until I got an email telling me that I had won the competition. I was kinda shocked and looking back at it today after I rewrote the ending and did some more minor editing I’m even more shocked. It’s honestly not that great or even good in my own mind but apparently the judges liked it enough and my esteemed competitors also liked it after I read it at the awards ceremony. I’ve thought about releasing it for a while and I’ve had a few people show some interest in recently so I decided to do some more working on it and release it for the first time. So now that you’ve heard my thoughts on the history of the story let me talk about why I rewrote the ending.
I rewrote the ending because quite frankly I suck at writing endings. I’m really bad at it even in poetry. I’m not exactly sure why that is. It should be easy enough to do. Just wrap up all the lose ends in a satisfying conclusion for the reader. (I’m really bad at all of those things). Okay so maybe that’s not an easy thing to do but it’s really hard for me to come up with something that’s satisfying for me let alone anyone else. Part of that maybe that I love to tell and hear stories and I don’t want them to ever end. Part of it may also just be that I don’t spend enough time writing stories to get good at it. I spend far more time writing poems (that usually tell stories) than I do writing short stories because it’s easier for me. I’m more gifted in poetry than I am in short stories. Anyway about the ending itself
The original ending just kinda ended on a sappy note and didn’t really set anything up or tie anything up. I think this one kinda leaves a lot to be desired and a lot open to the reader. What’s going on with the couple? Do they have issues that they need to work through? Was it all the creature’s fault? What about the lake and the creature? What happens next? I like the new ending I pulled out of my butt in fifteen minutes way more than the original which I won’t post but can send to you if you’re interest in what me six years ago thought worked.
Some more observations about this story.
I really suck at writing and describing action sequences. 20 year old me was even worse at this than I am now. I was way too proud of my work then. My descriptions seem to work pretty well but man I want to rewrite all the nightmare sequences but I won’t because I don’t want to completely ruin the ability to look back at this one day.
Over all I’m posting this so I guess I’m okay with it and don’t totally hate it. It’s an interesting look back at me for how I felt and what I wrote like 6 years ago and I’m really glad I’ve grown over the years. I’ve got a couple more stories I’m in the process of editing and rewriting parts of so they may make an appearance here one day soon. You never know.
How did this end up the length of one my blog posts?