I was at work and followed Twitter/X reading the tweets on Friday as the legal proceeding occurred. Ngl, I felt numb and sad as I was reading the tweets. I wondered if he gave up and threw in the towel. “Why are you doing this?”, I thought. I also wondered if he was being humble again and decided to accept his fate, including life in prison.
Luigi’s story and him as a person had affected me. But not in healthcare kind of way. When his mother allegedly said, “…might be something that she could see him doing.” to the police, I immediately had flashbacks of what happened to me when I was 26 years old, the same age as Luigi. I watched the outburst he had outside the PA courthouse, and again I had a flashback of what I did when I was 26 years old. I felt a connection. I felt that he was wronged and misunderstood, but not by his own doing. I thought it was his mother’s fault. I thought it was his parents’ fault. I thought to Luigi: “I understand what happened to you.”
I was not able to get out of my mind of what his mother supposedly told the police in the days that followed. It bothered me so much that I decided to write a letter to him. I told him my story. After I graduated from college, my parents tried to do a forced, arranged marriage on me. I was shocked by this since I am born and raised in USA and don’t practice a foreign culture. Also, my parents did not have an arranged marriage. They knew one another as they were next-door neighbors. My parents also didn’t support me in my career, my plans to get further education, traveling, and enjoying life as a young person. Because I was college-educated, young, a top performer in the department, and not white, I was constantly bullied and harassed by my coworkers. They viewed me as a threat and kept racially harassing me. They also discriminated against me based on national origin and color. Needless to say, it was a very stressful time in my life. I really tried to have the workplace issues addressed, but the supervisor always sided with the other employee and blamed me. She also was a racist with insecurities. I couldn’t go to my parents to talk to them about this. My relationship with them deteriorated over time when they were doing this forced, arranged marriage on me. It drove a wider wedge between me and my parents—I was never close to them—just putting up with them when I was growing up under their roof. During this time, I grew more isolated from friends and family. I wanted to be left alone. I turned my car radio off while driving since it was noise and was bothering me. I disconnected my phone since I didn’t want anyone to call me and wanted to be left alone. I retreated within myself as a way to cope with the enormous amount of stress I was enduring. I thought my life was unfair and how I was being treated was unkind. “I’m a good person and try to do the right thing. Why aren’t good things happening to me? Why am I being treated this way? I know I didn’t do anything to make anyone or anything unhappy.” were some thoughts that ran through my mind.
And then it happened. During a corporate restructuring, I was selected based on my strong performance to remain in the international department, while my coworker was moved to domestic. She, my coworkers, and my supervisor believed the position should have gone to her and resented me, even though the decision was not mine. A few days later, several of us worked Memorial Day weekend on a major companywide IT project. The hostility intensified because coworkers believed the international work should have gone to the older white woman instead of me. I was yelled at, ordered around, glared at, and treated dismissively. When I spoke, coworkers sometimes stared at me in silence as if I had said something bizarre. Eventually, my team leader shouted, “THE NEXT TIME WHEN I SAY I NEED THE STACK OF INCOMPLETE ORDERS NOW, I NEED IT NOW, NOT A HALF HOUR LATER!” By then, I felt unsafe and left. I ultimately lost my job because of what happened.
By then, I was mentally unwell. Out of anger and confusion, I sent “revenge emails” to the women who bullied me that weekend and throughout my employment there. At age 26, I was arrested and charged with harassment. Outside the courtroom, I yelled to the ex-supervisor, “You’re a lying < < expletive>>!” I thought about my situation and how I got to this point. I concluded it was my poor relationship with my parents. If I had a strong relationship with positive communication with my parents, I wouldn’t have been bullied at my workplace nor constantly protesting a forced, arranged marriage. I wouldn’t have lost friends that I made nor cut off communication with the outside world. I know it’s taboo, but I terminated my relationship with my parents. The. Best. Decision. Ever. My life went uphill after that. I got my dream job after graduate school. I learned that I love sports and my favorite pastimes are skiing, snowboarding and scuba diving. I love going to the gym. I love going to music festivals and concerts with friends. I love to travel and learn through new experiences. And so on. That’s what life is about. Life is to be enjoyed.
So I told all of this to Luigi Mangione. And then the news came out that his mother didn’t say that. There’s been conflicting reports about what his mother said, and it’s been difficult to know what is accurate. This winter, it was reported that his mother said she could never see her son being a risk to himself and others and that there was no documentation of her alleged original statement. But when the police asked Luigi to provide his mother’s address, it seemed there may have been some distance or difficulty in the relationship. I wrote him again telling him all of this and was confused by this. I also told him I would never want to assume or define his situation based on what is said publicly. I would never presume to understand or define his relationship with his family from the outside. I just wanted to be respectful of that while simultaneously telling him that I understand difficult family relationships.
And now Friday, Aug 14th happened. I can’t help but notice that his parents, particularly his mother, were not there. His family also didn’t visit him after he was arrested and was held In the PA jail. I know I shouldn’t assume things, but I can’t help it, and I worry about him. I worry about him because he is young and all alone….
I’m nervous for Dec 18th. Even if he was in jail for the minimum sentence, 24 years, that’s still too long. I don’t blame him for the Dec 4th incident. It was his parents’ fault that he became mentally ill and why this happened. Yes, he had back problems, but if he had a positive, good relationship with his parents in which they respected him and treated him as a human being instead of a commodity, he would have had a strong support system to help him navigate through the trying times with his back.
I sometimes have these silly ‘what if’ thoughts about saving him. I lived in Baltimore when I was 26, and I wonder what might have happened if we had met there at the same age knowing what I know now what I didn’t back then. Maybe his life would have gone in a different direction and he never would have committed the crime. I know that’s a lot to imagine, but I can’t help wondering sometimes.
No matter what happens on December 18 or in the years that follow, I hope Luigi never loses sight of the part of himself that can still learn, grow, laugh, care about people, and find meaning in life. More than anything, I just hope he knows that there are people out here who see him as a human being and care about him.
oh anonnie! thank you so much for sharing your story and your experiences with us 💜 i'm so sorry that all of this happened to you 🫂
i agree, having supportive parents is such a big and important thing in life. if you don't have that, it really changes everything. i also don't have that i know what it's like and i empathise with everyone who's parents are also not supportive 🥺
