Untitled

[faithwithdaniel]

Learning to Love again.

My heart has been broken for a long time and I havent know how to feel like myself. Quite frankly I have been lost, upset and lonely for a while but never really known how to express myself properly. In stead of turn towards my emotions I've turned away, in stead of turning towards connection i've turned away, and so on.

I'm making a real effort to turn towards the person I was meant to be, the person who was made to feel, to laugh, to accept love from others.

To be honest I find this really hard, I never felt I really got this love growing up so rather than see if as something as normal and recognisable I decided to distance and alientate myself from anything real. This alone as caused me alot of unneccessary hurt and pain but I did it to ultimately to protect myself from something that may or may not come. You see I was never sure what was going to be coming my way, hurt, pain, love, whatever, it seemed to be a complete free for all, so the best thing for me to do was to pretend and defend. Pretend I was ok no matter what and defend what ever parts of me I had left.

[faithwithdaniel]

challenging negative beliefs

today I have to start challenging all the negative beliefs I have thought about myself

the belief I'm not good enough

the belief im incomplete

the belief I want amount to anything

these beliefs are entrench with in my decision making and actions and it's time to uproot them and replace them with more positive beliefs and realistic reasoning.

For example when i got released from Everton I made the assumption that I wasn't good enough - this lead me into shame based things and having negative beliefs about myself. In Reality the real reason I didn't make it was because I didn't practice or work as hard as the other players did.

[faithwithdaniel]

i want to exist beyond the mirror,

like in really life - I have never wanted anything before

but now I might actually get to exist

to be a real person

with real feelings

a real job

a real family

REAL

I WANT TO BE REAL

[faithwithdaniel]

in the constant search for who I am - I keep losing who I might be

who I already am

its like I eluded myself of the possibility of ever really being or becoming some,

as I start to become who I am - that is the cue for be to re begin searching for myself

rather than that allowing me to exist

I need to allow myself to exist until I actually become that person

then I will no longer need to search for myself, for validation from others, for approval or likes

I will just be me, as I am, as it was always meant to be.

Perhaps I can connect my self to something deeper

my faith

my story

my heritage

ect

I really love battles and kings and warriors, I want to look back into the celtics

[faithwithdaniel]

its time.

its time to stop chasing, stop running, not being busy.

it's time to learn how to be.

I've spent most my life avoiding things that are important to me and then running after things that aren't - this is extremely painful and causes me a lot of harm.

I am constantly running around to fix other peoples problems at my own expense, then left with the horrible feels of regret and shame when things don't work out - they were never going to or never meant to.

things were never meant to work out with my parents and me - it just wasn't meant to be like that, and I've been holding onto that for a long time.

I have no idea what they were thinking, how was I meant to enter into that guide of relationship with them as a child - I'm not sure it was possible.

to ignore my own needs and gain gratification for having there needs met - I'm not sure if that is right.

I know it's definitely not.

so now I need to find what is right.

I wake up with a massive headache most mornings and this sense of overwhelm and grief, its Father's day today and I have no intention of sending my dad a card, its better to avoid the contact.

I need to prioritise myself right now and stay away from any malicious words they might have towards me.

d

[faithwithdaniel]

h o w

d o

I

receive

a gift

a hug

a handshake

a smile

r e c I e v e

step back

and receive

step

all

the

way back..

further

farther

wider

deeper

longer

greater

RECIEVE MY LOVE DANIEL

POURED OUT FOR YOU

LOVE

PEACE

MERCY

GRACE

ACCEPTANCE

JUSTICE

RIGHTEOUS

HUMILITY

OPEN UP AND DRINK

OPEN UP AND EAT

OPEN UP AND DANCE

OPEN UP AND FEAST

YOUR TIME IS HERE

TURN AND FACE ME

AND RECIEVE WHAT I HAVE FOR YOU

DO NOT BE AFRAID

OR

ASHAMED

JUST RECIEVE

WHO I AM

INTO

YOUR SPIRIT

INTO

YOUR BODY

INTO

YOUR HEART

INTO

YOUR DEEPEST INNERMOST PEOPLE

EXPAND

GROW

DEEPEN

WIDEN

STRENGTHEN

UNBLOCK THE PAIN

UNBLOCK THE FEAR

UNBLOCK THE STRESS

UNBLOCK THE MISERY

UNBLOCK THE TENSION

UNBLOCK THE DOUBT

UNBLOCK THE GREED

UNBLOCK THE DENIAL

UNBLOCK THE LIES

OPEN YOUR HEART TO MY TRUTH

LISTEN TO MY VOICE

LET IT PENETRATE

YOUR INNERMOST BEING

YOUR CORE

YOUR CENTRE

YOUR MANHOOD HOOD

lord you call deep to me, show me how to answer you

[faithwithdaniel]

TIME

SPACE

MEANING

REASON

BEING

ACTION

CHOICE

RESPONSE

TRUTH

learn to receive this.

[faithwithdaniel]

J U S T

B E I N G

I N

THIS

TIME

SPACE

[faithwithdaniel]

opening up

I

AM

O P E N I N G

U P

A F T E R A L O N G

T I M E

O F

B E I N G

[faithwithdaniel]

setting myself free by asking the right questions

I'm going to set myself free my asking the right questions

what's my name?

daniel

how old am I?

33

where do I live?

Sutton, ELY

what do I do for work?

I work for the church of England

where did I study?

I studied at the university of central lancashire

where was my favourite holiday as a child?

the gambia

what were my favourite memories growing up?

going to high school, playing football with friends, riding my bike around

what were my least favourite memories growing up?

getting bullied or laughed at, not being good enough to sign for Everton, being shouted at by my parents, stressing over things I couldn't control, being dis obedient to my parents, eating bad food, arguing with people

what are my biggest regrets?

not listening to others, jumping the gun to early, not gathering all the information needed to make informed decisions, not showing real emotions, stressing about things out side of my control, not saying what I really wanted or how I really felt. letting other people judge or define me. Not telling other how I truly felt about or towards them, being shy.

what are my biggest failures?

not setting standards, boundaries or rules for myself

playing by other peoples rule book

what makes me most sad?

my saddest memory was of my dog, BOB dying when I was a kid, it was upsetting because I didn't know if I would see him ever gain and he was a good, loyal friend.

what memory make me want to cry

I remember going to sleep as a child not knowing what happens to be after I die, I remember being really upset before I went to sleep because it felt really scary and overcoming to not know what would happen to me. the thought of that makes me want to cry for myself for not knowing

what is my biggest fear?

my biggest fear is not being loved, accepted

what is my biggest phobia?

being rejected

what is my biggest stressor?

myself and how I react to things

what is my biggest limitation?

my ability to understand others and connect with their feelings

what is my biggest joy?

being myself

what is my biggest threat?

my perception of myself and others / word around me

what's one thing I am working on at the moment?

challenging myself and how I see the world around me

being unafraid to ask questions the move me forward

not being scared of other not liking me

learning to enjoy my independence and not shy away from hard things

[faithwithdaniel]

WORKING AT FULL CAPACITY

ITS TIME.

I'm ready now to reach my full potential, to meet my future self and present self all at once, its time for the past, present and future to collide and I come out on top.

I CAN FEEL IT IN MY BONES

MY TIME IS COMING

'IT'S DAN TIME'

what is Dan time?

DAN TIME IS ME BEING ME, WORKING, OPERATING, PRODUCING, PROGRESSING, STUDYING, LEARNING, EARNING, GROWING AT MY FULL CAPACITY.

LIKE A STEAM TRAIN THAT CANNOT BE STOPPED.

WATCH OUT.

[faithwithdaniel]

DONE WITH BEING FAKE.

IM DONE WITH BEING FAKE -

FOR A LONG TIME I HAVENT BEEN MY SELF, IVE IGNORED MY OWN NEEDS AT THE WIMPFUL EXCUSE OF OTHERS, IVE SURRENDERED MYSELF TO THE MERCY OF OTHER PEOPLE, I HAVE SQUANDERED WHO I AM FOR WHO I COULD ME.

ITS TIME TO BE ME

FULLY

COMPLETELY

UNAPOLOGETICALLY

IM NOT APOLOGISING FOR OTHER PEOPLE OR THE WAY THEY COULDN'T RESPECT ME

I WANT RESPECT

I WANT PURPOSE

I WANT INTERGRITY

I WANT HOPE

I WANT JOY

I WANT THE FULL PACKAGE.

D

[faithwithdaniel]

ROCK BOTTOM.

ROCK BOTTOM.

IM THERE,

I WAS JUST TOO AFRAID TO SAY IT!

I SETTLED FOR IT - TO BE AT THE BOTTOM OF THE PIT

AS MY LIVING

AS MY EXISTANCE

AS MY PURPOSE

BUT NO MORE I SAY!

NO MORE ROCK BOTTOM

NO MORE WAITING

PRENTENDING

BEING LESS THAN TO MAKE OTHER PEOPLE FEEL BETTER ABOUT THEMSELVES

NO MORE REJECTING

NO MORE PLEASING

NO MORE BEING FAKE.

[faithwithdaniel]

relationships

today I realised that I never had a proper relationship with my parents, neither my mum or my dad because I / we were simply to busy doing stuff, which sounds great, but there was never a plan in place so it just felt like ensued chaos, not knowing where we were heading but going for it anyway, that's why, when shit it the fan there was nothing for me to fall back on..

and fall I did..

now I am very much FEELING the FALL

FEEL

THE

FALL

DANIEL.

[faithwithdaniel]

today I realised

to I realised the importance of goals, of purpose and of action,

these really are the things that propel us forward in our lives

by setting goals we overcome fears and gain new insights

I'm going to go hard at my goals and see what happens,

really hard

d

[faithwithdaniel]

today

today my car broke down and had to be rescued by the RAC - Peace of mind

today I went for a Swim with natalie

today I went for a long walk

today I smelt the fresh air

today I let go and breathed in what was in front of me

today I ate a nice meal

today was a good day

today I was present

[faithwithdaniel]

Everything happens for a reason

what if everything really does happen for a reason I we just need to accept that reson in order to move on.

the reason I was born is because my parents decided to have sex

the reason I am here is because God created me

the reason I am writing this is because I decided to get up

what if life is really that simple.

Finding the reason leads to more answers

I want more answers not questions

d