I Dono Do You?

They/them/their ; Gamer ; Writer ; Trans ; Schizo (reclaiming for myself)

[fake-cool-kid]

No call backs. Interviews that lead to no where. School starts in the fall. But how will I survive the summer.

[fake-cool-kid]

Trying to find turtle food that actually floats is hard and then when I do, it is basically out of stock everywhere

[fake-cool-kid]

Blah blah blah.

Rah rah rah.

No one wants to ever listen.

“Tell this to your therapist”

Relegated to one hour a week.

Or post on tumblr.

At least I have tumblr.

[fake-cool-kid]

Wish me luck on this job interview tomorrow

[fake-cool-kid]

I have the best partner ever. Even though they aren’t perfect cuz no one is, they are pretty damn close to it.

[fake-cool-kid]

That realization that you aren’t missed and your once friends are actually relieved that you have disappeared into the void

[fake-cool-kid]

It would be really cool if Indeed.com could list jobs if I typed “jobs that don’t make you want to kill yourself”.

[fake-cool-kid]

Looking at jobs again cuz I don’t think I will ever hear from HR. Fucking liars. All these jobs and their fucking requirements. Or the responsibilities are just too much. Too much. What am I supposed to do?? It takes time to get good enough at poker before it can pay the bills. I don’t know how to like work at a job while not wanting to die. Most jobs just make me suicidal.

[fake-cool-kid]

I just want my dog to come back home

[fake-cool-kid]

Time is like rope

Given enough, it kills

Kills friendships

Kills dreams

Kills you

Infinite slip knot

Noose around the necks

Of everything I cherish

When will I be next

[secondguessing-reality]

Part One

Think the unstable girl puts the "hot" in "psychotic"?

Here's what's actually happening:

Brain is constantly fact-checking reality. Is this real? Did that really happen? Am I really here?

Be polite to your reflection or it will kill you when you turn away.

Bark. That man's skin is covered in tree bark.

If you don't count the stairs as you go down, one will disappear and you'll fall to your death.

Is there someone standing in the doorway? Is that THING crawling toward me?! Shit, where did it go?!

You have A Thought™️ but it didn't belong to you. It didn't come from your head.

Whispers on the other side of the wall. They're whispering about you but you can't quite make out half the words. They sound angry. Maybe sad.

Memory lapses. What were you just doing? There's someone looking at you expectantly, they just asked you a question and you didn't recall them even being in the same room.

The paper you're writing on just breathed. Oh shit the tree isn't dead yet maybe you can save it—

Damaging your eardrums by blasting music because it drowns out the screams.

Knowing you have to live with this until the day you die and wondering if it doesn't make more sense to off yourself now. At least you'd be in control of your destiny.

That girl at the checkout has eagle talons instead of feet but it's a secret.

Lying about how bad your symptoms are because hospitalization would ruin your career, your life, and your relationships.

Part Two coming soon.

[secondguessing-reality]

Part Two

Not-so-cute schizoaffective symptoms:

There's a face on that wall.

Making yourself bleed because that proves you're a real person.

Voices screeching and wailing but did you ASK for their opinions?!

Not wanting to get in the shower because the cameras are in there and you don't feel pretty today.

"Did you hear that? No?"

Flies buzzing. No flies, but. They're right by your ear.

The Truman Show might be a documentary.

Are you sure you're doing what you're actually doing?

Answering a text and the reply is "What? I don't follow."

The Eyes®️ following you everywhere.

Why are the voices down the hall arguing and how do they know your name?

Being pretty sure your pets are imaginary.

Genuine surprise when someone tells you there's a bug on your shirt. They could SEE that?!

Wanting to please the thing that's after you so you don't get hurt. So you listen to the voices and do whatever they tell you because they know what will please the thing.

Insomnia.

Nightmares. Almost every night.

Making yourself bleed but this time you don't know how, when, or why.

Walking around with an object in your hand for an absurdly long time.

Dressing the wrong way for hot or cold weather and looking weird to the people who notice.

Dropping your food to the floor because you forgot it was there.

Staring at food for an hour because you forgot the concept of eating.

Inappropriate laughter. It's funny to you but you can't explain why.

Making yourself bleed but being bewildered at the very idea of red liquid inside your skin. Why is that even there?

You don't remember putting that cotton fluff in your sandwich.

Part Three Coming Soon

[fake-cool-kid]

Speaking this into existence. I am going to buy a house in 2025

[fake-cool-kid]

Things I was paranoid about are being proven true. At what point do I realize I’m a genius and don’t need to take my antipsychotics anymore?

[fake-cool-kid]

My partner is the worst driver I have ever been in the car with. Damn

[fake-cool-kid]

I need this to manifest. The dream I’m trying to achieve, it needs to happen. Please.

[fake-cool-kid]

Maybe because I’m so poor and Hollywood writers don’t write my story, I just can’t understand or relate to Kate from “This is Us”. If my partner, who was sacrificing so much time away from family, being on 4 planes a week (YIKES!), surprised me with a pre-approved home loan??? In San Francisco???? I WOULD CRY WITH JOY!!!

How can you be so fucking stupid to be such a stuck-up bitch to your husband who has all the opportunity in the world to cheat on you since he’s in a different zip code? And he doesn’t!! How stupid are you to be mad that your husband lost weight and found a job that doesn’t want to make him kill himself?

I have the hardest time just finding ANY job that can work with my disability, let alone having a GREAT PAYING job where I feel VALUED.

Kate Pearson is the most selfish, self-centered, negative character on this show. She couldn’t be happy for her mother finding new love. She couldn’t be happy for her successful siblings. She just is miserable her whole fucking life and instead of going to therapy and working on herself, she has to drag everyone else down to her fucking level.