A tale of a girl and her solitude. A story of how hate was taught, but love won. This is her jeremaid.
They say you can get lost in the darkness, but how about just in the shadows from the light. Sometimes i think it might be easier to just follow the stars of the night. Ive never wanted to hurt anyone, because i knew what it felt like to feel pain. Its like, you cant enjoy the sunshine, unless youve stood alone in the coldness of the freezing rain.
All ive ever wanted, or dreamed of is happiness. Maybe not your idea of happiness, but i had my own idea. If one would ask what my concept of happiness is, my ansewer would be to have family. To share love with another. To feel wanted and or needed. To feel love, to feel cherished, to feel safe.
Ive ran my whole life, just searching for that happy place. Ive ran and ran, only to find myself once again, lost in the confusion of my own chaos. Inside the walls that ive built which has only kept me trapped , in a darkened world of my own. Through all of this, the only thing ive learned is how to be a survivior. I am a survivor. How well i survived, im not to proud of. Not knowing or learning how to change. Ive just learned how to adapt. I am a survivor. I was always grateful for what i had though. Even though, deep down i longed for something better. Something more. Something greater. No matter what was in front of me, i wanted happiness.
After all these years, after all of my years, i still find myself trapped in that darkened world that i tried so desperately to escape. As a child, i was never taught sacrifice or love. Nor the sacrifice in love. Its sad to admit that i really cant just close my eyes and immediately think of a time i felt or feel cherished, protected, or safe. Even if i dig deep for that memory, it would just be a fantasy or some kind of distorted truth. I was never taught the meaning of life. So i continued to search for something that felt right. Continually seaching for something, because i was always alone. I remember being a little girl, i would dream of being with someone to share love with. Someone i could love and in return, that someone would love me as well. Someone to fill a big empty hole. To fill a void i didnt even understand. I didnt understand why it was there or how it got there. To ease the confusion and the pain of this emotion, i clasified it as something good. That it was from an innocent good place inside me.
I remember going to other childrens houses and i would notice that there was something different. They had families that would talk to each other. Encurage each other. They would laugh with each other, cry with each other and even played games with each other. It seemed as though they found thierselves in each other. Even after seeing this difference, between thier homes and mine, mine still felt normal. It was all i ever knew my house to be really. I didnt think mine was any better or any worse. I just knew it was different. It was just normal for me to be alone and feel this way. I never talked to my brothers or sisters about it. What would i say if they were around. What would i say when i wasnt alone. I would think about it sometimes, but when the chance arose, i felt as though they wouldnt be interested in how i felt or maybe i thought that they wouldnt understand me.
I did only what i knew to do. I filled my solitude with music and dreams. Instead of having loved ones around to push me or encourage me to do great things, i was left alone. I didnt even know what it was that i needed. It was just normal to me. Instead of having a support to build a foundation for great success, i was left alone.. It felt normal to me. I would sit alone, lost in music and solitude, and dream of things that i thought i needed. Dreams of happiness and joy. I just wanted love. I longed for it. I would daydream of what it would be like for someone to ask how my day was. Dreaming of someone to show me they cared. Someone to make me feel warm. Someone to make me feel imortant. Someone to show me love. Even if no one could show me, it seems as though someone could tell me. Of course i had a natural instint of what was right and wrong, but without any one there to show me or explain to me the limitations and boundries of love, life hate, envy, desires, needs, wants, habits, comforts, and even pain, i had to explore myself. I went with the first thing that i thought i wanted and needed. I wanted love, comfort, joy and the idea of feeling safe and happy.
I wanted to be a part of something greater than myself. So this love in my mind is what i thought i needed. As i got older, maybel 12 or 13, i thought i could find someone and love them greater than they had ever been loved. They would feel what i wanted to feel and in return, they would make me feel “loved”. If i did everything in the world i could do, to make them feel my love, then they would wanna love me cack the same way. I thought that if i gave all of me, if i gave it everything i had, even if i sacrificed my own emotions, eventually it would come back to me. And then i would be happy. That being said, i learned how to sacrifice my own happiness to try to make someone else feel this love that i wanted and needed so badly. I put aside the things that i needed to make me feel happy so at least i could be making someone else happy. Down to every desire i had. Kinda like, i wanted a burger, so you bought pizza. Italian it was. I wanted to wake up and go watch the sunrise but you wanted to sleep in. so we slept till sunset. I wanted to cuddle and feel your arms around me, but you wanted to get up and move around. So i got up, got dressed and said lets go. I wanted to talk but you wanted silence. So you heard quitness, and i heard the the whispers that rage from my solitude as a child. So i wanted to hear music, but you wanted to watch tv. So i asked what fucking channel. I then felt like crying, but noone cared why. Then i slowly began to loose myself to people, to places, to naught, to pointless dreams. I lost myself in a world that noone noticed. And if they did, they didnt care enough about me to even attempt to help me. I lost myself in places the i am ashamed to go back to. Hell, some places i wouldnt even know how to get back to or back from. After loosing myself, slowly piece by piece, i had a deeper void and a stronger pain.. I still didnt wanns give up. I continued to dream of this love to make me feel as though i had a home. A safe warm place to run to. That special someone that would stop the impotant thing they were doing and take the time just to ask me sincerely if i was ok, and what did i really need.
They say you can only find happiness within yourself. That you have to love yourself before you are able to love someone else. I know there is trith to that, but my happiness is loving someone else. Happiness is love. Showing love, giving love, displaying love to one another. For someone to know, that no matter what ever thing will be ok. If you fall, ill catch uyou. And if for some reason that i cant, i will fall with you. We can watch the sunrise today and the sunset tomorrow. Then we will go eat. Lets not do pizza or burgers. Lets go try something new together. Although you wanted to get up and move around, we stayed in abed 30 min longer so you could hold me and you loved it. In doing that , it made you happy. You learned to find an iteressting comfort in my long winded conversations. You wanted to hear my voice instead of the silence. You wanted to know what i was listening to and turned off the tv. If i started to cry, not one tear fell unnoticed. And you needed to know why so you could stop more tears from falling.
When its all said and done, thats what everyone reallly wants at the end of the day. To feel loved and cherished. To know that they haveloyalty and dedication of a faithful partner by thier side. Together always. In the end, noone wants to be alone. Its a curse and a blessing to feel the way i do about this love. I will love fearlessly. I will love knowing im taking to chance of getting hurt. I even think that i love even knowing im possible setting myself up for failure. Deep down inside, at times, alot of times now more than ever before, i know that i will never find this love that i whecklessly search for. . that this love i speak of is not possible for me. Not in this lifetime. Not in my lifetime. Mayble for someone to love like that, they would have to have been deeply unloved before. For one to know love like that, they would have had to felt the most deepest scars of hate and pain. You cant truely enjoy the cold water from the flowing river unless they felt the scorching heat, that has left them unbearably dry.
Its seems as though, looking back, the only things that anyone ever taught me was abandonememt,broken trust, disrespect, and to some it up, how to hate.
blakekathryn
ellievsbear
stormborns
snowghoul
pixelskylines
dailybridgerton
