It feels unreal, trying to move forward, in the game, in life, in my own head, without you beside me. I never imagined I’d have to. But here we are. I clung to this stupid, stubborn hope that things would settle, that somehow you’d return, that the story wasn’t over… but I know now that you won’t, and you can’t. And I hate myself for the ways I ruined the game for you, and for the ways my chaos bled into your real life. I’m sorry. God, I am so, so sorry. I genuinely hope you find your footing again in the real world, that peace comes to you, that happiness finds you like it should. You deserve at least that much.
Even though I wake up each day with the ghost of you still haunting the corners of everything, the weight eases, just a little. I kept going with the Scholar Branch, Maeve is growing into her own, this fierce independent girl boss who refuses to bend. Cel was adopted by Mare and made her heir. Life keeps reshaping itself, in-game and out, whether I’m ready or not.
Real life is… a mess. I knew it would be after everything came to light. I don’t know where any of it is leading, and honestly, most days I’m terrified to look too far ahead. But forward is the only direction left to me. Therapy has started, maybe nothing can be fully repaired, maybe some things have been broken too long, but no one really knows what tomorrow might bring, good or bad.
Mentally, I’m still a coin toss.
It all goes back to that battlefield, if I’m honest. I lost myself there. Whoever I was before died in the dirt that day, and I’ve been wandering ever since, going through the motions because that’s what society expected, drifting from one safe harbor to the next… until the last one was taken away from me, ironically on Veterans Day. The poetry of that? The universe really outdid itself. Chef’s kiss.
No one can save me. No one can fix me. No one is truly mine to lean on.
The only person I can rely on now is myself. So I keep forcing my feet forward, even when they drag, because the past has nothing left for me. Only ghosts live there.
And you’re one of them now. Not out of cruelty, not out of blame, I don’t resent you for any of it. You helped me in every moment you could, and I’m grateful. But you had to become a ghost to save yourself, and I’ll never fault you for choosing survival. I’ll never carry bitterness toward you.
But I have to move forward, or I’ll drown in everything I can’t change. So… this will be my last post. I hope with everything in me that life gives you what you’re reaching for. I hope you both heal, that things truly work out, that you get the family you want, the peace you deserve.
I’ll never forget you. I’ll never forget what you gave me. You are a remarkable soul, and you pushed me farther than you probably realize.
Astra and back, my friend. Always.
