its been awhile
long ass time since ive opened this website up but i needed to vent somewhere that wont impact my real life but i can still talk to someone (even if yall are strangers??)
5 months on and im still completely devastated by a guy. I’m devastated because I have trouble forming connections with people, and we did have a connection. And then it was ripped away so easily? Maybe there wasn’t for him but there was for me. and it’s so fucking painful. I want to post on my facebook and my instagram and tell my friends how i feel but its just not possible. So here i am i guess. Actually thinking about it i’ve been devastated longer than he was actually in my life? fucking sad. It opens up more problems for me as I now feel i can’t risk having a connection with anyone. Like imagine if this happened again, I can’t be depressed and an anxious mess for my entire life. Even though it kind of already is this way. Idk I just want to feel loved and appreciated. I have so much to offer someone.. it’s very disheartening.
Fuck it if this is gonna be my safe space to talk about things then lets do it.
Nick fucking lied to me. Like a lot. I know that now but it’s so hard to move past the good times, the happiness i felt in that period of time. Actually, the most annoying thing is i was fucking happy for the first time in a really long time the months leading up to talking to him. and then obviously i was ecstatic because life was good and he was good and i was kinda on my way to a career path rather than just a job that pays my life expenses. And then literally all around my birthday in december everything .. for lack of a better term, came crashing down. Like its really bad right now. I can’t even masturbate anymore. like it literally doesnt fucking work. Im kind of also going through an identity crisis, a friend mentioned asexualness to me and after doing some reading I think i am on the asexual spectrum, Demisexual? where you really have to have a connection to someone before having desires for sexual contact. I think thats me and that fucking sucks. I want to be able to have a one night stand without feeling like a dirty little cunt.
idk man i just wanna be happy in a nice relationship with a career path. idk how i got here again but i definitely cant keep doing this. i think i will choose to end my own life if i havent figured it out by the end of year. it sounds dramatic and attention seeky but ive struggled with these thoughts for years, sometimes theyre easier to dismiss than others, but ultimately if im not enjoying life, if i dont have a reason to live beyond “ur family and friends will be sad”.. thats not really a reason for me to live. idk if that sounds selfish or not but going through this for the last 10 years and seeing no end in sight, how on earth is it fair to ask someone to keep pushing through when there is no light at the end of the tunnel.
ill come back in december to reevaluate where im at in life. if nothing has changed i hope my family and friends will understand.
