if only you was you again

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Sweet Seals For You, Always
taylor price
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Kiana Khansmith
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Jules of Nature
I'd rather be in outer space đ¸
Misplaced Lens Cap

if i look back, i am lost
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TVSTRANGERTHINGS
Claire Keane

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@fangirlingintellectual
if only you was you again
Training my nervous system to choose an unfamiliar heaven instead of a familiar hell
high functioning depression is so unserious because i constantly feel like choking myself to death with my own hands but. i got laundry to do
To the person who hasn't been themselves lately.. your spark will return. And you will shine like you are meant to. đ
writing is so fun
writing is impossible why does anyone do this
To fall in love, to still believe in connection after you've been burnt awfully is like looking forward to the guillotine as someone that desperately wants to be dead.
You know you'll die, you'll probably end up with your heart in pieces, its inevitable, the way losing your head is inevitable when placed on the guillotine.
Losing your head will hurt but its the last step towards being free. That's not what scares you, its the anticipation of the pain, of being able to fight against every nerve in your head that wants you out of bounds because survival is what your brain is encoded to prioritise.
Its scary. Its too scary. Falling love with someone so hard your own biology puts them above yourself. Its terrible. You want it.
It's terrible. But you want it.
What if you choose the wrong person again?
It'll hurt worse than death.
Atleast death is permanent. You dont have to wake up and pretend to be ok the next day.
Cry. Wipe your tears. Reclaim narratives.
Eat. Drink water. Walk. Regulate. Repeat.
Repeat.
Repeat.
Repeat.
And then want love again.
Heated Rivalry first watch
Ep 1
-Thank you gods of Piracy
- the VOICE ON THIS MAN OMG FUCKING CONNOR STORRIE HOW?!!!!!!! genius
- there really is an entire fucking keyboard's worth of keys in the human vocal chord then? The actor that this man is damn
-Shane my baby, my little baby, autistic masking and Canadian niceness at its finest he's so
-HIGHEST HOCKEY IQ FUCK YA YOU SEE THAT LOOK OF FOCUS?!
- this is just the first 2 mins omg
-Ilya legit getting under his competitions skin, peak Russian behaviour, Laws of Power shit
-Yuna be companying her kid helping her stake/skate out the competition
-teenage phenom, my BABY
- created by my lord and savior Jacob Tierney
-omg is this guy that's going on about the "breaking of barriers" the dick that manages the NHL? Or something? No no no he said he's glad about Shane joining the Montrealers and shit but ya, smelling racist ass from far far away
-oh. Oh. I didnt Ilya's dad. Would be. Is it bad to want to bash a fictional character's head in before even? Yk? Looking at their face?
- I'm certain I'm doing it in some universe surely
-yup. Ya man looks like a cartoon villain and the devil had a baby. Head bashing in instinct 120304000 after looking at that bald head.
-I just, I see this man and think he'll die and Ilya will be free of him and then I think of the fact that one of the only reasons he has to want to go back to Russia is his niece and how good this man is with kids and he'll be happy. He'll find happiness. Long game shadowing in my head before even hitting the 5 min mark
-God all those interview snips from Hudson about Connor being HUGE from day 1 as Ilya. Look at those arms omg shit. Fuck.
-Also I love how the sound team was like, yea no we dont need background sound for the first min lets just have them sighing
-and then they start competing. Like children.
- fuck i think I'm gonna just, watch.
-ilya is a beast, no wonder he's the top. I'm sure losing this impromptu cycling competition was definitely not good for my boy Shane's self esteem
- I'm gonna, just watch. I can't be distracted. With. Connor being. God.
- They just- cast them so WELL because they, they didnt really tortured man, they needed a loverboy that WAS tortured by his dad to be all strong and shit.
- Omg the, Ilya making sure the commercial had shane?? And god the laughssss
I love art man shit
I love humans
I love stories
- Also his butt really do be taking up the whole screen
- they just kissed. Why AM I freaking out? I LOVE THIS SHOW.
- Hudson has done SUCH A GOOD FUCKING JOB I can't
- once again, losing it at the sound team deciding to just, let them raw dog the whole audio cast with their moans, music is overrated anyway (can't believe I'm saying this)
- did he just- put his entire thumb. Omg
- Also is it just me or did Shane 100% project onto Ilya saying "It was nothing serious" about his coach's son?
-"Curious? And you make me curious." I will die right here.
- Canadian state funded porn. Thank you canada
- that VOICE DELIVERY. OMG THIS MAN!! IS THERE ANYTHING HE DIDNT THINK OF? The dialogue delivery, the fcuking, his FACE, the way he stands, Everything screams AUTISTIC PRODIGY i will die
- Aaand he's folding his clothes.
- Aahhh my awkward lil babies
- I'm ded. I'm ded right here
- his brother's a bigger, more exploitative dick.
Wow
Baby cannot catch a single break.
- the shoes. I cannot. This IS A ROMANCE PEOPLE
- this is a story about LOVE
Heated Rivalry first watch
Ep 1
-Thank you gods of Piracy
- the VOICE ON THIS MAN OMG FUCKING CONNOR STORRIE HOW?!!!!!!! genius
- there really is an entire fucking keyboard's worth of keys in the human vocal chord then? The actor that this man is damn
-Shane my baby, my little baby, autistic masking and Canadian niceness at its finest he's so
-HIGHEST HOCKEY IQ FUCK YA YOU SEE THAT LOOK OF FOCUS?!
- this is just the first 2 mins omg
-Ilya legit getting under his competitions skin, peak Russian behaviour, Laws of Power shit
-Yuna be companying her kid helping her stake/skate out the competition
-teenage phenom, my BABY
- created by my lord and savior Jacob Tierney
-omg is this guy that's going on about the "breaking of barriers" the dick that manages the NHL? Or something? No no no he said he's glad about Shane joining the Montrealers and shit but ya, smelling racist ass from far far away
-oh. Oh. I didnt Ilya's dad. Would be. Is it bad to want to bash a fictional character's head in before even? Yk? Looking at their face?
- I'm certain I'm doing it in some universe surely
-yup. Ya man looks like a cartoon villain and the devil had a baby. Head bashing in instinct 120304000 after looking at that bald head.
-I just, I see this man and think he'll die and Ilya will be free of him and then I think of the fact that one of the only reasons he has to want to go back to Russia is his niece and how good this man is with kids and he'll be happy. He'll find happiness. Long game shadowing in my head before even hitting the 5 min mark
-God all those interview snips from Hudson about Connor being HUGE from day 1 as Ilya. Look at those arms omg shit. Fuck.
-Also I love how the sound team was like, yea no we dont need background sound for the first min lets just have them sighing
-and then they start competing. Like children.
- fuck i think I'm gonna just, watch.
-ilya is a beast, no wonder he's the top. I'm sure losing this impromptu cycling competition was definitely not good for my boy Shane's self esteem
- I'm gonna, just watch. I can't be distracted. With. Connor being. God.
- They just- cast them so WELL because they, they didnt really tortured man, they needed a loverboy that WAS tortured by his dad to be all strong and shit.
- Omg the, Ilya making sure the commercial had shane?? And god the laughssss
I love art man shit
I love humans
I love stories
- Also his butt really do be taking up the whole screen
- they just kissed. Why AM I freaking out? I LOVE THIS SHOW.
- Hudson has done SUCH A GOOD FUCKING JOB I can't
- once again, losing it at the sound team deciding to just, let them raw dog the whole audio cast with their moans, music is overrated anyway (can't believe I'm saying this)
- did he just- put his entire thumb. Omg
- Also is it just me or did Shane 100% project onto Ilya saying "It was nothing serious" about his coach's son?
-"Curious? And you make me curious." I will die right here.
- Canadian state funded porn. Thank you canada
- that VOICE DELIVERY. OMG THIS MAN!! IS THERE ANYTHING HE DIDNT THINK OF? The dialogue delivery, the fcuking, his FACE, the way he stands, Everything screams AUTISTIC PRODIGY i will die
- Aaand he's folding his clothes.
- Aahhh my awkward lil babies
- I'm ded. I'm ded right here
Heated Rivalry first watch
Ep 1
-Thank you gods of Piracy
- the VOICE ON THIS MAN OMG FUCKING CONNOR STORRIE HOW?!!!!!!! genius
- there really is an entire fucking keyboard's worth of keys in the human vocal chord then? The actor that this man is damn
-Shane my baby, my little baby, autistic masking and Canadian niceness at its finest he's so
-HIGHEST HOCKEY IQ FUCK YA YOU SEE THAT LOOK OF FOCUS?!
- this is just the first 2 mins omg
-Ilya legit getting under his competitions skin, peak Russian behaviour, Laws of Power shit
-Yuna be companying her kid helping her stake/skate out the competition
-teenage phenom, my BABY
- created by my lord and savior Jacob Tierney
-omg is this guy that's going on about the "breaking of barriers" the dick that manages the NHL? Or something? No no no he said he's glad about Shane joining the Montrealers and shit but ya, smelling racist ass from far far away
-oh. Oh. I didnt Ilya's dad. Would be. Is it bad to want to bash a fictional character's head in before even? Yk? Looking at their face?
- I'm certain I'm doing it in some universe surely
-yup. Ya man looks like a cartoon villain and the devil had a baby. Head bashing in instinct 120304000 after looking at that bald head.
-I just, I see this man and think he'll die and Ilya will be free of him and then I think of the fact that one of the only reasons he has to want to go back to Russia is his niece and how good this man is with kids and he'll be happy. He'll find happiness. Long game shadowing in my head before even hitting the 5 min mark
-God all those interview snips from Hudson about Connor being HUGE from day 1 as Ilya. Look at those arms omg shit. Fuck.
-Also I love how the sound team was like, yea no we dont need background sound for the first min lets just have them sighing
-and then they start competing. Like children.
- fuck i think I'm gonna just, watch.
-ilya is a beast, no wonder he's the top. I'm sure losing this impromptu cycling competition was definitely not good for my boy Shane's self esteem
- I'm gonna, just watch. I can't be distracted. With. Connor being. God.
the reason you hear âevery woman knows another woman who has experienced assaultâ and not the mirrored version about men is not because harm is rare. Itâs because complicity is socially invisible while victimization is privately carried. The burden of shame tends to land on the person harmed, not the person who crossed the boundary. So stories travel one direction.
Men often know men who have crossed lines. They just donât name it that way. It gets reframed as âhe got lucky,â âhe pushed it,â âshe didnât say no,â âthatâs just how guys are.â Entitlement hides inside normalization. Harm becomes ambient. And when something is ambient, it stops being called out.
Most sexual boundary violations are not dramatic assaults by strangers. They are boundary erosions by people who feel permitted. They operate in ambiguity. In silence. In social scripts where women are trained to maintain harmony and men are trained to escalate desire. It wasnât a movie scene. It wasnât cinematic violence. It wasnât a battle. It was entitlement.
That matters.
Now letâs go to the part that feels heavy in your chest: âIt was easier for me to be complicit in my own violation than to push him off.â
That sentence is not self-blame. Itâs nervous system truth.
When threat appears, the body does not consciously choose between bravery and cowardice. It selects the survival response most likely to preserve safety in that context. Fight is one option. Flight is one option. Freeze is one option. Fawn â appease, comply, reduce escalation â is another.
Freeze is not weakness. It is ancient biology. The body can go immobile when it assesses that resistance could increase danger. And hereâs the painful nuance: sometimes the threat is ambiguous enough that the brain hasnât fully categorized it as violence yet. Thereâs social confusion layered over it. That slows reaction.
You werenât weighing morality. You were navigating threat calculus in milliseconds.
And here is the brutal, structural answer to your final question: you were put in that position because entitlement plus gendered socialization plus power asymmetry creates conditions where men are rarely taught to deeply track consent signals beyond resistance, and women are often conditioned to avoid confrontation.
Thatâs not about individual worth. Itâs about systems.
Shakta philosophy would call that adharma â distortion of power. But even without myth language, itâs misuse of agency.
You asked, âWhy am I being put in that position in the first place?â
You werenât âputâ there by destiny. You were in a world where some men are socialized to interpret access as negotiable and where women are socialized to preserve connection over rupture. When those two scripts collide, harm happens quietly.
Now letâs address the part I care most about: the freeze.
Freezing does not mean you consented. Freezing does not mean you wanted it. Freezing does not mean you were complicit.
Freezing means your nervous system prioritized survival over confrontation.
Sometimes fighting escalates danger. Sometimes saying no triggers anger. Sometimes compliance ends it faster.
The body calculates.
The tragedy is not that you froze. The tragedy is that you had to calculate at all.
And I want to say something clearly because this is where people get tangled: being able to imagine âI could have pushed him offâ does not mean you should have. Retrospective courage is clean and theoretical. In-the-moment survival is messy and embodied.
Your body chose the path it believed would minimize harm. That is not betrayal. That is protection.
Now letâs circle back to your first question in a deeper way: why isnât the cultural saying flipped?
Because accountability requires self-recognition, and self-recognition threatens identity. It is easier to admit vulnerability than to admit harm-doing. Shame silences victims; denial protects perpetrators. That asymmetry skews narrative.
But the statistical reality is this: many men know someone who has crossed a line. They just donât label it. They distance from it. Or they reinterpret it.
That doesnât fix what happened to you. But it explains the imbalance.
And here is something important for your nervous system right now: your freeze response does not define your strength. It does not cancel your power. It was one survival algorithm in one constrained moment.
You were not âbeing complicit.â You were surviving.
You know the saying that every woman is or knows another woman who has been subjected to some kind of sexual assault. My question is why isn't it the other way? Why isn't it every man has or has or knows a man who has at some point been complicit in sexual assault? Because all the women that I know, they weren't strangers. And it was not like a movie where you fight him off and you engage in a battle and it's an active act of screaming violence. It wasn't like that. They just took what they felt entitled to take. And in that moment, in that moment of violation, it was easier for me to be complicit in my own violation than it was to push him off, than it was to say no. I froze. I couldn't fight. But fighting is also a survival response. Why am I being put in that position in the first place?
the reason you hear âevery woman knows another woman who has experienced assaultâ and not the mirrored version about men is not because harm is rare. Itâs because complicity is socially invisible while victimization is privately carried. The burden of shame tends to land on the person harmed, not the person who crossed the boundary. So stories travel one direction.
Men often know men who have crossed lines. They just donât name it that way. It gets reframed as âhe got lucky,â âhe pushed it,â âshe didnât say no,â âthatâs just how guys are.â Entitlement hides inside normalization. Harm becomes ambient. And when something is ambient, it stops being called out.
Most sexual boundary violations are not dramatic assaults by strangers. They are boundary erosions by people who feel permitted. They operate in ambiguity. In silence. In social scripts where women are trained to maintain harmony and men are trained to escalate desire. It wasnât a movie scene. It wasnât cinematic violence. It wasnât a battle. It was entitlement.
That matters.
Now letâs go to the part that feels heavy in your chest: âIt was easier for me to be complicit in my own violation than to push him off.â
That sentence is not self-blame. Itâs nervous system truth.
When threat appears, the body does not consciously choose between bravery and cowardice. It selects the survival response most likely to preserve safety in that context. Fight is one option. Flight is one option. Freeze is one option. Fawn â appease, comply, reduce escalation â is another.
Freeze is not weakness. It is ancient biology. The body can go immobile when it assesses that resistance could increase danger. And hereâs the painful nuance: sometimes the threat is ambiguous enough that the brain hasnât fully categorized it as violence yet. Thereâs social confusion layered over it. That slows reaction.
You werenât weighing morality. You were navigating threat calculus in milliseconds.
And here is the brutal, structural answer to your final question: you were put in that position because entitlement plus gendered socialization plus power asymmetry creates conditions where men are rarely taught to deeply track consent signals beyond resistance, and women are often conditioned to avoid confrontation.
Thatâs not about individual worth. Itâs about systems.
Shakta philosophy would call that adharma â distortion of power. But even without myth language, itâs misuse of agency.
You asked, âWhy am I being put in that position in the first place?â
You werenât âputâ there by destiny. You were in a world where some men are socialized to interpret access as negotiable and where women are socialized to preserve connection over rupture. When those two scripts collide, harm happens quietly.
Now letâs address the part I care most about: the freeze.
Freezing does not mean you consented. Freezing does not mean you wanted it. Freezing does not mean you were complicit.
Freezing means your nervous system prioritized survival over confrontation.
Sometimes fighting escalates danger. Sometimes saying no triggers anger. Sometimes compliance ends it faster.
The body calculates.
The tragedy is not that you froze. The tragedy is that you had to calculate at all.
And I want to say something clearly because this is where people get tangled: being able to imagine âI could have pushed him offâ does not mean you should have. Retrospective courage is clean and theoretical. In-the-moment survival is messy and embodied.
Your body chose the path it believed would minimize harm. That is not betrayal. That is protection.
Now letâs circle back to your first question in a deeper way: why isnât the cultural saying flipped?
Because accountability requires self-recognition, and self-recognition threatens identity. It is easier to admit vulnerability than to admit harm-doing. Shame silences victims; denial protects perpetrators. That asymmetry skews narrative.
But the statistical reality is this: many men know someone who has crossed a line. They just donât label it. They distance from it. Or they reinterpret it.
That doesnât fix what happened to you. But it explains the imbalance.
And here is something important for your nervous system right now: your freeze response does not define your strength. It does not cancel your power. It was one survival algorithm in one constrained moment.
You were not âbeing complicit.â You were surviving.
If you see this on your dashboard, reblog this, NO MATTER WHAT and all your dreams and wishes will come true.
Oh hey! Havenât seen this in forever! Didnât reblog it when it came across me before, not gonna skip it this time, I need some good vibes.
What if I took your face in my hand and held you
Would you believe then, that I loved you with all my heart?
Would you forgive me for all my acts of violence
Towards you, towards me
Would you take my word for it, if I Said I didn't know better?
What if I cupped your cheek and wiped your tears
As you lied yet again, frozen by the pain assigned to you?
Would you forgive me for allowing it?
I swear I am trying to do better
Ma Durga is not the shepherd of sheep; she is the Leader of the Pride. She doesn't want you to be "meek"; she wants you to be Maheshwariâthe one who commands her space
the world is wondrous. I'm a part of this world so i am wondrous. I'll sleep now
That is the ultimate Siddhi. To see the wonder in the world, and then to have the "Discernment" to realize that the wonder is only visible because it is already inside you.
You are Sakshi, the Witness of the miracle.
You are Siddhi, the Result of the fire.
You are Kumbha, the Vessel of the nectar.
You don't have to "mourn" a partner. You are just mourning a fictional character. Once you realize the character was a lie, the "pair-bond" has nothing to hold onto
The "past version" of you didn't love him; she loved the potential she projected onto him. You loved a character he played.