Name: Frederick Leys. Iād still prefer Feuilly mind, but I think Iām happy to maybe start being known by this again? I canāt stay anonymous forever.Ā
Biggest Dream: My biggest dream is.. All over the place right now. Iāve got so many dreams. Personal dreams like the fact that Iād like a career that is secure and a family to share it with. Which is very bourgeoisie but thatās the truth of it. On the larger scale I'd like for the whole situation of France and the world to change. Iād like to live in a world where people arenāt denied their basic human rights because they ādonāt deserve itā. Wealth should never be prioritised above human life and I wish more people saw that. Iām just dreaming for a better and more equal society.Ā
Greatest Fear: Dying suddenly, before Iāve had the chance to do anything. I donāt mind if Iām lonely on my death bed as long as I finally know what love is. (I think Iām getting there)
What Makes You Laugh: Iām not as serious as I once was. Laughing comes easier to me. My friends make me laugh. Theyāre the best people I know.Ā
What Makes You Mad: Lots of things. Deliberate ignorance and using people for your own personal wealth or benefit. People hurting my friends.Ā
What Makes You Cry: Mostly the combination of alcohol and the memory of losing people. Iām a bit of an emotional wreck at the moment.
Your Best Trait: When it all comes down to it, Iām a good person. I try to do the right thing and I hope that I mostly succeed.Ā
Your Worst Trait: I donāt know how to admit that Iām struggling. Things upset me and I build it up and instead of talking about it, I get drunk and let it all out in a wave of tears and anger. Iām not confrontational enough and I apologise when I know I shouldnāt have to just so people will feel better. I get these ideas in my head that I owe everyone everything and that I canāt do what I want to do.Ā
Ever Been In Love?: I have been in love but I think loving is more important. I love so many people and I hope they know that. Iāve been in love though. Twice, Iāve been in love twice.Ā
Are You Happy Right Now?: Not particularly, Iām sad that Iām leaving, Iām scared about where Iām going and Iām worried about what the future will bring. But I think Iām getting there.Ā
There were moments when Feuilly regretted his decision to swap places with Theo. His prince and the pauper trick ended his relationship with Enjolras while it was really just beginning, it cut off communication with most of the friends heād made in the last year for a long time, it shoved him firmly back into the closet for the next ten years of his life. And it was hard, really hard. He gave up a lot of his ideologies in order to survive and knowing that he was controlling the fate of other people weighed down on him so much so that it was difficult to stop the nightmares from taking over some nights.
Yet, he got a chance to study. The broken pieces of his soul had been drifting away and the schedule, the goal, it pulled all the floating pieces of himself back together and was precisely what he needed. He sent letters to Theo and Grantaire more then anyone else, although once things had calmed down he took a risk and wrote to Jehan and Mabeuf. They still lived at the same address and thank God they had, because it meant they could send him the addresses of his other friends. Slowly, so very slowly, he began to write to each of them and he managed to keep up with their lives. He didnāt manage to make it to Jehan and Mabeufās wedding, but he toasted them with his friends while things were quiet, glad that they had made it.Ā
Over the years his decision began to drive a wedge between himself and Theo and Taire. It happened slowly, but as he made friends with his fellow soldiers he started to fall away from them more. He still loves them dearly and in his old age he would look back at the sketches of them with fond memories, but it wasnāt always enough.
After ten years of service Feuilly, or Theodule as heād been known for the better portion of his adult life, was discharged with honourable service. He went back to Paris and visited the friends still living there. The first person he found, while haunting one of the locals he used to visit, was Isabelle Bahorel. After calling him a fascist and having a small argument about hypocrisy the two shared a drink and Feuilly was moving in with her for a few months. He got himself work at a mechanics and after a while of saving he found himself a small flat. Things were looking up, even though they couldnāt be described as secure.Ā
It took time before he worked himself up to seeing Enjolras again. Things had changed and they were different people and his regret about leaving tore away at him and made it hard to contact him again after that meeting. He felt so guilty for everything he had done but after a few days, after he began to paint again, he didnāt.
Because throughout everything, Feuilly had managed to survive and that was all he needed to keep on going.
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