The following is a transcript from The Morning Hang, 4/9/24
(Camera opens on a supersized fat man wearing a grey suit and red tie, and an average-sized woman in a black skirt suit, behind a desk together.)
Peony Fatfondler: And they never found the bodies. (audience laughter)
Chunk Baconator: And they never will! (audience laughter) Now, for something on the lighter side of the news.
PF: Now, Chunk, how would you know anything about the lighter side of anything? (audience laughter)
CB: (patting his belly) Hey, I wasn’t always this size! (audience laughter) Let’s check in with our FFA on the street, Melody Corpulove. (Photo appears on screen, a supersized woman with light brown hair wearing a teal jacket with a seafoam dress)
Melody Corpulove: (VO; camera pans over a group of cats all meowing. The cats look healthy and are playful.) The phrase “like herding cats” usually means trying to control something uncontrollable, or to do something impossible, but not for @nito1313. (Cut to a young, pale fat man with dark hair and beard.) No, for Mr. Nito1313, herding cats is all in a day's work.
Nito1313: I wouldn’t call it herding.
MC: (Cut to footage of the cats marching two by two in a straight line) Whatever Nito1313 calls it, it’s adorable! (Cut to cats wearing mech armor made from shoeboxes) Nito1313 has found the purr-fect outfits for his little band of mischief makers.
N: (Footage of hundreds of cats pulling a chariot with Nito1313 in it) They serve me as my loyal men – well, cats. Not all of them are boys.
MC: (VO: camera pans past Nito1313 sitting in a golden throne constructed of cardboard, cats at his feet, on his lap, his shoulders) It looks like Nito1313 will be sitting pretty with all of these kitties for quite a while! (Loud cat yowl and thumping noises) No – get off me – stop – Nito! (Screaming)
N: Aww Commander Michigan, play nice!
Chunk Baconator: (cut back to studio) Ha ha! Looks like Melody’s bitten off more than she can chew –
Peony Fatfondler: Chunk – are you ok? That’s not even a pun…
CB: Looks like Melody better batten down the hatches!
PF: Chunk… what did I tell you about huffing gasoline before broadcast?
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