The Unholy Nun Series: Discernment
I knew I wanted to be a nun from a young age but didnāt know if I could ever live the life. My mother always said obedience would be the hardest vow for me to live out because I had a mind of my own. While obedience would certainly be a hard vow for me to live out, I think I would struggle the most with chastity.Ā
I had never been with a boy, let alone kissed one, but I had read plenty of erotic literature and even seen some pornography. You would have thought that it would leave the innocent girl horrified, but it didnāt. It left me wet and hungry for sexual release.Ā
Let me backup a bit and tell you about myself. Iām the youngest child of a big catholic family. We all went to the catholic school right down the street from my house and seemed to attend every church service that St. Boniface had. I started serving at mass during fifth grade and that was when I felt my call to religious life. I liked the order and routine of helping at the altar. I loved the little limelight I received being by the priest's side in front of 200+ people per weekend mass. By being an altar server, I discovered I wanted to serve the Church for the rest of my life.Ā
Eventually I had people in my community ask me when I was going to enter a religious community. I had been researching online for different communities where I could spend the rest of my life. I eventually convinced my parents to let me visit some communities. They told me I could visit three communities that year so I picked a cloistered community, an active community, and a semi-active community.Ā
A cloistered community is a community that is completely separated from the world. Someone goes out and shops for them but delivers it through a spinning window - not having any contact with the sister on the other side. An active community is a community of nuns that are participating in their community by being teachers, nurses, having soup kitchens, and many other things. Their lives are to service of their brethren while a cloistered nunās life is to service of the Church. A semi-active community is a little bit of both.
I went and visited the active and semi-active community first. It was a beautiful way of life and the sisters were beaming with joy from their daily lives. It just wasnāt right for me and the vocation mistresses from both communities agreed with me. My next visit would be a cloistered community.
Since I was still part of the public, I was not allowed into the cloister. I met with the vocation mistress through the grille. She told me to go to the chapel at certain times for prayer but for the remainder of the time, it would be a silent retreat until my last day. Then the typical conversation of her learning more about me took place. Youngest sibling⦠played basketball and volleyball⦠played the organ and pianoā¦Ā Ā Ā
āHave you ever been sexually active? Do you struggle with the virtue of purity?ā
I had been dreading answering this question. No one had asked this so far. I told Sr. Clare that I did struggle with purity but had never been with anyone. She asked me if I had ever masturbated and I nodded my head shyly. She went on to ask me if I had seen pornography and what I had fantasized about. I told her I had and that my fantasies involve me being used by both men and women. She seemed slightly taken aback from my blunt, straightforward answer but she originally told me to be honest and open with her.Ā
From our conversation, I could feel myself getting wet between my thighs and I shifted in my seat. She seemed to notice and smiled then directed me to go to the confessional tomorrow morning before 7 am mass. She said I needed to make a thorough confession before receiving the Eucharist again.
She then told me to go back to the guesthouse and rest before tomorrow. As soon as I got back to my room, I hopped in the shower then into bed. My fingers, habitually, went to my pussy. I couldnāt bring myself to finish in the convent so I edged. I ended up falling asleep touching myself and dreamed of what was to come.Ā