Fatherless.

Fatherless? Lost? Depressed? Just read. Your not alone.

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[fatherless-daughters-blog]

i am just realizing, i am so strong.

i have over come so many obstacles.

and im standing here strong as hell.

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We forget what we want to remember and we remember what we want to forget.

The Man [The Road] (via quiquote)

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[fatherless-daughters-blog]

depression.

There are some days i want to scream and cry the moment i wake up.  Or i randomly start to cry through out the day. Why ? cause of my stupid  depression.  I hate being depressed it eats me alive.  I try sp hard to not be depressed but no matter how happy i am i will start to cy, or ill get so angry and ignore everyone.

There are days i still think of hurting myself.  i want to feel the pain. i want to see the scares i know that is never the right choice.

But before i do it i think.  WIll i really do it? i dont know. maybe? Yes? No? i dont know.  I want to do it, but i don want to hurt the people who love me.  But then again so what? its my body.  My choice right? ill hurt myself if i want. 

But then again i dont think i will.

[fatherless-daughters-blog]

Why.

I want to start off by asking why? why do you always go away from me ? why is it every time I reach out to you, you'd come then always leave.  why is it that you can be a father to my brother, but not to me?

Question 1.  Do you know what you have done to me? no? hmmm where do i start.  ever since i moved to Elmont and you started to come around and it became consistent   Then it became to "yes i am coming" too an hr passes and you call me canceling.  Then that became consistant.  I believe in the 5th or 6th grade it go to me.  I wrote myself a letter basically a suicide letter.  Saying why I should die. Why I should hurt myself.  I ended up speaking to someone on how i feel and got better then you came back into my life, it was going great till again you left.  But this time i blamed myself i blamed everything on me.  I thought you just didn't want me that i was basically worthless, but MOMMY and the man i spoke to made me realize it wasn't my fault.  It was yours.

Question 2.   Will you ever grow up and be a father? No let me correct my self.  MY FATHER?   Truthfully i dont care if you do , why cause i have so many better father figures in my life.  I would just like to know.  I have always been the bigger person.  I never had to give you all these chances but my stupid self thought "  he will change".  no let me correct myself you  are the stupid one.  You honestly need to grow up and realize "Damn i just lost my daughter" realize im never coming back to give you another chance.   i want nothing to do with you.

Question3.  Do you know how it feels to hear and see everone being with daddy, being daddy little girl? Or how it feels when your own cousins ask " kayla where is your dad? and i say " i dont have one." or i just change the subject.  Even when my friends ask.  Do you know how it is to have such a big piece missing of my life gone. mising. broken.  I dont want to say i hate you because hate is such a strong word,  i will always love you, you are my father. but i highly dislike you.

You really hurt me.  You broke me, you cause me to have these problems. You are no good.  I wish on everything i had a better father, i wish that ou were a different man.  But i know you can never change your sad, stupid ways.  But the only good thing about this is that i dont have to deal with it.  Im just deling with the hurtness you put me threw.  Matter fact im glad my brother has you because he has these memories with daddy, he wont be a mad boy growing up like me.  I WAS  suicidal, depressed girl.  Yeah i sometimes still do think of hurting myself but your not worth it your basically GARBAGE in my life.  You have the most tinniest part in my heart that broken into even smaller pieces.  You dont know how many times i want to hit you so hard, curse you out and tell you i hate you. but again i will always be the bigger one person. I am 16  and im being the bigger one. get that through your head, stick it in there. You hurt me and took a huge part of my life away. you stood there and heard all the stories of me crying me being depressed and suicidal  but it shows me i clearly im not important to you.  Thank you daddy. No matter of fact you dont deserve to get called that.  Thanks Ozzie.

-your daughter

Ps.  How does it fel and think you could of been the main cause of why i died? 

[fatherless-daughters-blog]

Dear Fatherless Daughters.

Either you were born and dont know who your dad is. or your dad decided to leave. or your mom decided to leave him. your growing up and realizing will, can, he show up someway some how. or should i be the one to look for him? Do i blame myself? What did i do?  What is wrong with me?

Nothing is wrong with you, dont blame yourself, Yes you can be the bigger person and look for him, but dont put all your heart into it. because either he can be looking for you too, or just want to be with you here and there.