luka

depressive poetry, writing and thoughts from my bipolar mind

[fawnmechanism]

literally what is keeping me on this plane? What is there this world is so miserable and bad vibes its all i can think its so dark there is so much darkness everywhere I see it all all the time its all i can focus on

[fawnmechanism]

I feel like a lot of people have like a base, like they can go to their parents or they have lifelong friends or even just a place they always return to sometimes i feel like a bit of debris floating in the ocean and it is huge and dark and cold and i am tethered to nothing

[fawnmechanism]

i have this thing where regardless of my circumstance i know when it comes down to it I am always alone

[fawnmechanism]

my brain has a poison deep in its root sewed by the hand that raised

hard to say if its who I am or just an ailment or if the answer even matters because everything I touch seems to become poisoned anyway

[fawnmechanism]

missing the places that held joy,

chasing the past that held you,

pass through like a commuter,

or stand still smelling the air,

press your nose as hard as you can

against that impenetrable glass,

it will never be what once was

and yet you still ask

[fawnmechanism]

big and bright you are, they all think so too as you smile and grace the room with pleasantry,

I am here, again.

Ive polished myself up and hope for a different outcome maybe we could laugh together

but I sink into the wall my words dissolved in the air behind you as I spoke them, I raised my voice, you did not hear

you shine regardless

oh how mopey I am how isolated, how small I have become

how loved you are.

its a beautiful thing

[fawnmechanism]

missing the places that held joy, chasing the past that held you,

pass through like a commuter,

or stand still smelling the air, pressing your nose as hard as you can against that impenetrable glass,

it will never be what once was

you'll miss the next one if you're not looking

[fawnmechanism]

being a writer is being comfortable with posting sum BULLLLLLSHIIITTTTTT there is sum straight bullshit on this blog

[fawnmechanism]

two people reside in the same house, one is calm and collected, he is mature and kind, intelligent. But ice cold, he does not feel nor does he want to.

The other loves hard, she is fiercely emotional, violent, selfish, heartbroken, betrayed, ever loving and ever hating, a victim of caring too much. All she knows is what she feels and she feels so much.

She ruled the house tyrannically, she screamed and cried and laughed and painted her thoughts over every wall. She loved till she bled and she bled herself dry. She poured her heart out to people that didn't care, and she violently hurt people that didn't deserve it.

Meekly he sat in the corner, watching her destroy their home.

Until one day when he pulled her by her hair up into the attic, locking the hatch.

The house is quiet now all is still he sits alone on the first floor,

thinking about what he might have created, leaving it festering up there.

Draft frm yrs ago, there are two wolves inside of you, one is a man one is a woman. You are nonbinary

[fawnmechanism]

sometimes I feel like a neglectful mother, ignoring your pleas to be heard, rolling my eyes and walking away when you start to melt out of sheer emotion, angrily scolding you, saying theres no reason to be upset and you're being a nuisance, locking you away in the dark till you're hungry, upset and confused.

The days when we walked hand in hand and you ruled over my decisions and thoughts can't occur. Soft love did nothing but hurt you, make you cry, so now I will choke you till you learn to remain calm and quiet. You are everything I despise about myself, my cause of suffering. My therapist says i should be kinder to you, i don't know how to nurture, it makes me feel worse. So i will continue to let you rot in my subconscious till i am capable of existing without.

In my drafts from a few yrs ago fight club esque multi personality concept inch resting

i dont think its very good but i appreciate it all the same

[fawnmechanism]

my ability to sculpt pure marble 10ft tall gods out of some random loser is impressive

[fawnmechanism]

Five years

I was something only you could decide when you had said that

in five years time you thought you'd still know me,

in my own way I prayed for it. 

Dreamt of my eventual glorious redemption like Onesimus.

Foaming at the mouth for that day far in the future 

when I’d finally earn my place as your equal.

I took 46 pills and a knife to my arms two weeks before my 17th 

when you told me who I'd always be 

and threw me to hades.

It was cold and quiet.

I'm 22 next month 

to think i feared the time when you wouldn't know me at all

like my mother fears hell

when now I can be anything I please

poem I wrote in January

[fawnmechanism]

perversion masquerades as empathy in the words of those that want to know

little broken bird perform your emotion to be saved by your superior

poor fawn let your past be groped in the name of insight

delicate creature I'll explain your own psychology with the big male mind

as he fantasizes about you carving into your soft skin

get down on your knees and cry before him

little broken creature perform

[fawnmechanism]

we often spoke of animals and souls and the like,

you told me I was a doe,

long limbed, cautious, easily startled.

You joked about your restraint for any gesture too large or loud,

you knew I'd turn and flee back into the dark,

a beautiful lonely thing, plagued by fear,

deserving of more?

You never did see

I am a cockroach

mechanical

hiding from the light.

[fawnmechanism]

[fawnmechanism]

I think love in itself is abundance, but when you love someone in that all consuming way, where it eats away at you, and they're all you think about from when you wake up in the morning to when you go to sleep at night, and when they're the topic of all your dreams inbetween, when you love someone so hard because you hate yourself and are trying to squeeze them into the massive gaping space of nothing that lies under your skin, thats not abundance, its the opposite of abundance. Thats something terrifying, when you love so hard you have absolutely nothing, no soul, just that feeling. I deeply fear it and I plan to never experience it again.

[fawnmechanism]

so many different strains of love in this world

[fawnmechanism]

Tw graphic vomit bodily fluid imagery

Poem i wrote last yr when i relapsed bulimia wise but its not even specifically about being bulimic

its more about internalising issues but feeling rotten anyway and the inevitable resurfacing, idk not my fave it reads as a little sad skinny bulimia girl tropey i really hate writing poetry abt my issues w eating disorders bc the feminine emotional experience is so much more than "ommggg i hate my bodyyy" but i wonder if i dont like talking about eds bc im a feminist or if its bc im being misogynistic. Or perhaps a secret third thing. I genuinely couldn't tell you.