let it all out

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to anyone who may find this blog, this is just a vent blog. not meant to really find anyone in particular. if you do find it, welcome. im sorry we find ourselves in such an unfortunate way but i appreciate you here.

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you’ve come back to my mind. after the work i did to try and move on, you have become the forefront again. looking back at messages before you left, i should’ve known the way we would’ve ended, you not wanting to hurt me but knowing my feelings. part of me believes you left bc you thought it’d be easier than watching me be pathetic trying to fight for you. and honestly you’re right. but as much as i miss you, as much as i wish the outcome was different, you’re always going to be someone i think and speak of fondly with everyone i meet.

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having someone who reciprocates feelings towards you is great but it’s a frustrating feeling when they’re so hot and cold. i just want to love you but you stay just at arms length so you don’t have to commit.

part of me wonders will this ever become more. will this ever grow? am i enough?

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there’s something about me that always feels like a black cloud over the people i’m around. i feel like i’m just a constantly looming presence around the people i like and if i take myself out of the picture, suddenly they’re better. i want people in my life but do they want me? are they better off without me?

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i’ve always wanted to be the one who gets good morning messages and good night messages and just sweet love letters randomly. but somehow i’m always the one putting in all the effort into showing my love to friends and possible partners. i’m always forgotten unless i’m showing all of my love to everyone and never getting it in return

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constantly teetering on the edge of wanting to fully embrace happiness but also thinking i’m doing too much or being too much. i’m so used to scaring people off and i’m scared that i’m thinking too much about this being something more than it is. what if i get comfortable and this one leaves just like all the others?

what is it about me that makes me so unlikable?

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i always feel like i’m walking on eggshells with people i may want to romantically pursue. i’m so scared that i’ll say something wrong and ill ruin the one chance i had with them. it’s why id rather have them talk and ask me questions than me talk and say the wrong thing and then im back at square one

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the grief of a connection so intense ending as quick as it started hits in waves. i constantly feel like i’m going to get swept by a current and never be able to come back up for air.

there’s days i wish i could go back in time and maybe try it over again. keep my anxiety to myself so i could bask in the tenderness and love i was receiving. i do believe we were the right place wrong time. but god you are always going to be my biggest what if.

i’ll look for you in every person i meet, hoping someone will come even close to the patience and love and kindness you showed to me in all the moments that were just ours. i would’ve loved you for the rest of time if you allowed. please come find me again in another life where we can both love wholeheartedly and without regrets

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i spent days upon days, weeks crying feeling like i was never good enough for you. trying to impress you with anything to get you to like me and love me the way i wished so desperately for you to love me. but at the end of all of this, you abandoned me just like i had feared. you abandoned me just like you reassured me you never would.

honestly the thing is i would’ve dropped everything for you. i would’ve ended any friendship, any situationship, any friends with benefits, just to make you comfortable. you made me believe in love, something i never got from you fully but something i knew was there.

i wish there was some way i could get myself to hate you, but i know it’ll never happen. with you, i was the happiest i had been in so long. i truly saw a future where i could be happy and be in love and a person, my person, i could have you.

maybe in another lifetime, we’ll find each other again. we’ll both be better and we’ll both be able to accept the love from each other we genuinely deserved from one another.

but for now, goodbye

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everything was just beginning but i can feel the end coming already. i’m not moving fast enough for you and i know it’s bothering you even though you won’t say it. did you ever believe i was worth loving?

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you really have been the only one who never lusted over me. i compare everyone to you and every single time they see me as an object where you just saw me for me. you’re always gonna be in the back of my mind. as much as i wanna take you out of my mind, you’ll be there forever i think and i’m always going to find someone like you in everyone i meet

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i wonder if i’m able to be loved or only lusted over. i give so much love out to everyone i meet, they only see my body and what they can do to it. i just wanna find one person who can hold me and not see my body as an object and as a person living and needing to be loved

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my last few words i have to you:

i never once hated you. i had every reason to. every friend i told about you who was so happy for me in the beginning hates you now but my stance never wavered. you did destroy every part of me and have now made me believe whole heartedly that i never deserve love but i do hope love in return for you. i never gave up on you. i never gave up on us. and i hope some day you’re able to see that. that was a lot of weight for me to carry all by myself.

as much as i would do anything to hate you, you’re still the kindhearted man i met a back then in my mind. and i know someday you’ll be an amazing partner, i guess it just wasn’t with me.

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as i am determined to move on, i do hope one day i get an apology from you. you abandoning me, knowing my past, was the worst thjng you could’ve done to me and wasn’t fair to me. maybe you have someone in your life now and i hope you treat them with all the love and care and kindness that i deserved from you.

but for now, i’m closing this chapter of you. i hope i never talk to you again. thanks for stopping by and ruining me. i hope it was fun for you.

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at least i can say i tried. at least i can say i never gave up on us.

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you know.. i put off watching your favorite movies because i hoped maybe one day we could watch them together and you can tell me fun facts while we did. i never told you that but just being able to watch movies fresh for the first time with you would’ve been something really special. now i can’t get myself to watch them ever because they’re yours. maybe some day you’ll be able to show another woman those movies and bond over them with her.

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i stare at your name in my phone hoping that maybe if i stare long enough maybe those three dots will pop up. i wait and wait and wait knowing it won’t change. but in the back of my mind there’s still a glimmer of hope, maybe you’ll remember me and come back to me. maybe it’s my way of not giving up on you, maybe it’s my way of reminding myself i might some day be worthy of love. but i’m met with disappointment every time.