The participation of BDSM should only be practiced by adults, in which age may vary depending on the country. Engaging in sexual activity while underage is against the law.
Engaging in sexual activity that is as complex as BDSM should not be taken lightly. Adults who are seriously ready to take on the emotional and physical responsibility that BDSM requires are the only adults who should participate.
BDSM:
Bondage & Discipline
Dominance & Submission
Sadism & Masochism
A submissive in a BDSM role or relationship is a person who willingly and consensually submits themselves to one or more persons in a dominant role for the purpose of sexual arousal and often personal growth and satisfaction. A dominant in a BDSM role or relationship is a person who gains sexual and personal pleasure in exercising control and power over their submissive(s).
Dominance and Submission relationships (D/s) are generalized terms that cover a large spectrum of different types of BDSM relationships that follow those basic definitions. Examples include:
Master & Slave (M/s) relationships, in which the dominant refers to themselves as a master or mistress and their submissive as their slave. Objectification, humiliation, sadism and masochism are key in this type of D/s relationship
Care Giver & Little (CG/l, DD/lg DD/lb, MD/lg, MD/lb - Daddy Dom, little boy/girl, Mommy Dom, little boy/girl) relationships, in which the dominant takes on a role of someone often older, wiser, and caring, and the submissive allows themselves to fall into an innocent, childlike, and loving state of mind. Age play falls into this category. Participants of this category may not confine to a certain age and many experiment with different ages. Punishment, reward, praise and love are key in this type of relationship.
Owner & Pet relationships, in which the submissive takes on the behavioral role of an often domestic animal; cat, dog, pig, horse, cow, etc., and the dominant takes the ownership role. Training, humiliation, control and deprivation are key in this type of relationship.
*Although the definitions listed above are common, it certainly does not mean every participant follows an exact definition or set of rules. Many participants create mixes of different types of relationships or play out different scenarios of varying types. There is no right or wrong way to participate in a D/s relationship, as long as it is Safe, Sane, and Consensual.
The safety of a BDSM relationship covers the physical well being of participants. Identify and prevent health risks.
The sanity of a BDSM relationship covers the mental well being of participants. Confirm a healthy and sensible state of mind before participating in any BDSM activities.
***All activities should not only involve but be defined by the FULL CONSENT of all participants. All actions should be brought up, discussed, well communicated and agreed upon before commencing. There should be no surprises. Nothing should take place that hasn’t been discussed and agreed upon beforehand.***
Bondage: bondage is the consensual act of restraining your partner with the use of varying objects for the purpose of erotic arousal. Most common and popular bondage tools are rope, handcuffs, bondage tape, or homemade ties made from clothing. More advanced bondage tools require a higher level of experience and safety measures. The submissive role is most commonly seen bound.
Sadism: a person who identifies as a sadist is a person, typically the person in the dominant role, who experiences pleasure from another persons pain.
Masochism: a person who identifies as a masochist is a person, typically the person in the submissive role, who experience pleasure from pain being inflicted upon them.
Discipline: the assertion of over more base desires, and is understood to be synonymous with control. Discipline in BDSM is used to ensure obedience and improve the overall quality of submission presented.
The most important things in BDSM are safety and consent.
A period of time in which a submissive is bound (or unbound) and undergoing physical pain as well as a deep state of submission is often referred to as a scene or a session. In BDSM, it is typical that the sadist gains the most pleasure by inflicting the pain themselves, and the masochist gains the most pleasure by having pain inflicted upon them by the sadist. This is defined as a power exchange.
Bondage can be dangerous as the human body may be durable but certainly has it’s strong and weak points. Depending on which body parts you intend to bound, research pressure points and locations of major veins and arteries to always ensure the regular blood flow of the submissive.
When using rope, zip ties, ribbons, belts, or any kind of tape (any restraint that doesn’t have an auto release such as handcuffs), make sure you always have a quick and safe way to release the participant if needed. If you keep knives or scissors nearby, make sure they are not next to, under, or on the submissive at any time.
Always make sure the submissive feels safe and comfortable. Physical discomfort is commonly a source of arousal for a submissive, but everyone has limits.
Key terms that will be important:
Sub space: a state of being that the submissive will find themselves in most commonly during a scene or session in which they are able to let go entirely and give themselves wholly to their dominant. It is a euphoric state that is brought on by high endorphin activity in the brain caused by physical pain and adrenaline.
Dom space: similar to sub space, it is a state of mind in which the dominant is ‘in the zone’ and focused on nothing other than their own actions and the responses of the submissive. Adrenaline is more present than endorphins here due to the physical act of inflicting pain and the exercising of control.
Limits: A common theme in BDSM is pushing limits. A limit usually refers to a submissive’s pain threshold, but can also refer to their mental state, as well as the dominants. Dominants must be careful, observant, and attentive when it comes to the limits of the submissive. They must also be very self aware and not push themselves to do anything to the submissive they may not be comfortable with. Over estimating ones limits could result in a phenomenon known as sub drop and/or dom drop.
Sub-drop: a phenomenon in which the submissive responds negatively to one specific act within a scene, or an entire scene. This is due to the brains natural instinct to panic, “fight or flight” during feelings of fear or helplessness. Sub drop can happen in many different circumstances and emerge directly after a scene or happen hours, days, or even weeks later. This can include feelings of anxiety, panic, fear or guilt.
Dom-drop: a phenomenon similar to sub drop in which the dominant responds negatively to an act within a scene or an entire scene. Circumstances and time frames vary. Feelings include fear, feeling drained, or guilt. The most effective way to avoids drops in BDSM is through aftercare.
Aftercare is, after safety and consent, in my personal opinion, the most important thing when it comes to BDSM sessions and scenes. Aftercare can be characterized as positive, nurturing, healing actions that the dominant does for their submissive that follows a scene.
Aftercare is a very personal thing and differs from person to person, like a favorite color. The most common forms of aftercare are cuddling, warm baths or showering, tending to wounds or injury, massages, or consuming comforting foods and beverages.
For submissive aftercare:
Submissives, make sure you have everything you need for aftercare before beginning a session. This can be keeping soft blankets at the foot of your bed, setting bath bombs out on your bathroom counter so you don’t have to search for them later, putting a little first aid kit on your nightstand, etc. Communicate with your dominant to make sure they are aware of exactly what you need. Some submissives prefer being hugged tight and need lots of physical contact, whereas others may need quiet time alone. Communicate.
Dominants, make sure that your submissive is getting your full attention during aftercare as they did during the session. Although they asked you to hit them harder with tears in their eyes five minutes earlier, they are now coming down from an endorphin high which can easily leave them feeling low. Phones away, eye contact, nice quiet space. This is your time to praise them and thank them for pleasing you, whether that’s a pat on the head or a big hug, or rubbing their sore bottom or praising them for their accomplishments.
Dominants, make sure you are in a logical and self aware state of mind before beginning a session. If you feel unsure of yourself, anxious, tense, or at all in a bad mood, reschedule the session. Part of your aftercare is seeing your submissive successfully come out of sub space and sharing that moment with them, so don’t disengage too quickly and if you need cuddles, by all means cuddle away.
Submissives, although you are coming down from an intense endorphin high and you may be bruised and shaky, when you are ready and only when you are ready to speak and make eye contact, make sure you let your dominant know that you are thankful and proud of them for how good of a job they did. Dominants can sometimes second guess themselves, and it’s up to you to communicate to them that they’re doing things that make you feel good, during, before, and after a session. If you sense any lack of confidence in your dominant, assess the situation and reassure them however you can.
Communication: in order to have and nurture a successful BDSM relationship, the two consenting adults who engage in these activities must communicate.
Before: explain personal limits, discuss interests and disinterests, express what you really really want and what you really really don’t want. This goes for both the dominant and submissive.
During: establish safe words. I recommend having two solid safe words. One that lets the dominant know “this current action is too much, please stop to make sure I’m ok”, kind of like a yellow light. Another that acts as a red light and lets the dominant know “I am not ok, we need to stop right now.” Determine ahead of time if this includes complete untying if you are using bondage techniques. You don’t always have to use ‘red’ and ‘yellow’ but they are universally clear. I use ‘avocado’ as red and ‘elephant’ as yellow. It just works for us.
After: once the submissive has fully recovered, which could take a few hours depending on the intensity of the session, and the dominant also feels they are in an even state of mind, have a conversation about what worked, what worked really well, what didn’t work, and what either of you want more of or less of next time.
*If the dominant and submissive decide together to veto safe words for a scene to heighten intensity, have longer and more intensive before and after conversations and establish strict boundaries.
The overall purpose of BDSM is pleasure. Participants may only engage in BDSM for sexual fulfillment but many, and I might safely say most, feel that it is detrimental to their personal development and growth.
In my own experience, BDSM has helped me overcome anxiety and fear, pushed me to accomplish my goals, helped build my confidence in myself and others, and helped me to better communicate my desires, including my desires outside the bedroom. I feel that BDSM is a wonderful way to build strong, trusting and intense relationships.
The purpose of this post was to create a singular post with no external links where people who are not experienced in BDSM could educate themselves on many different aspects of the culture.
I covered as much as I could think of. please feel free to reblog with edits and additions if you think of anything else that is important to the safety, sanity, and consent of BDSM. *Please DO NOT remove or edit original content.*
