Today, I had several panic attacks because of a dumb guy who thought could change my sexuality.
I’m ace, and I’m very proud of my sexuality because I have fought with my identity for so long. When I realized I was ace, it felt like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. I finally knew where I belonged in the world of sexuality.
Well, eight months ago, a guy and I were making out in the back of my car (I know, not the best place to do anything), and he started touching me in a way I was not comfortable with. So I pushed him away, telling him to get out of my car.
Two months later, he’s back in the back seat of my car, making out. The touching goes further than before, and I start having an anxiety attack because I’m being touched and I don’t want to be. I push him back, but he fights me on it, telling me that he can change my sexuality, that he’s the guy I’ve been waiting for.
I know better though. He has a significant other that I keep reminding him of. We shouldn’t be in this situation, and I don’t feel comfortable. He tells me that his s/o knows but doesn’t care, keeps pushing me into this corner. I push him back and tell him that I want him out of the car, because if he quote-en quote loves this person, how is he willing to go around fucking other people?
He’s not the most good person in the world, he is the first to agree with me on this, but I know better. He’s playing me real well. He continues to push me to see how far I will let him go.
I stop him before he can distract me with anything, telling him that I’m no longer comfortable with him. I kick him out of the car, and he acts like a kid who can’t have a cookie: like I stole his toy or something.
Anyway, back to today, it all of a sudden hits me that this guy knew a lot about me and used it against me. He knew everything about me, that I was ace, that I’m non-binary, that I’m very specific with my sexuality, that I have very specific wants and needs from a partner. And that fucker used it against me. He played me into thinking that he was what I needed.
So I’m hanging out with a few of my friends, when all of a sudden, a panic attack crashes over me in an instant. I feel like I’m going to die. My friend asks me what’s wrong, and I just... spew it all out to her, telling her what this guy did and how it’s now hitting me in a way that I didn’t think was possible.
I’ve been strong up until now, and I’m so exhausted because I don’t even know what to think right now. I felt so violated, on a personal level, on a physical level, and even on a mental level. He took something from me, and I will never be able to get it back.
I hate myself for something I didn’t do. I feel like I led him on, when really he’s the most disgusting chauvinistic pig out there, who takes what he wants and doesn’t care who he hurts. (Oh, this isn’t the first time he’s done something like this.) But I feel like it’s my fault. What did I say or do to deserve him to almost rape me in the back of my car? (That’s right, he almost did. He didn’t care that I said no.)
I don’t know. I’m rambling now. And I don’t know if anyone’s really going to read this much, but I would like some help. Anyone?
TL;DR Why do I feel guilty about telling someone no to sex when a) I’m ace, b) they wouldn’t listen when I told them I was uncomfortable to begin with?
titsay
kianamaiart
jacobvanloon
jbbartram-illu
baratheonpilled
2087
snowghoul
theartofmadeline
germansingergirl
