Fel's Not-So-Secret-Diary

they/he/she multifandom and poetry also @multishowfan

[felsnot-so-secret-diary]

Love Surrounds Me

Love and happiness surround me.

I've created and found a space overflowing 

with love, joy, and mutual understanding 

of being ‘othered’.

I have always been othered and always will be, 

and I've come to accept and embrace that. 

I’ve found my others and created a home 

and a family that spreads over continents. 

A home in my heart full of love and respect

and family that embraces the parts of ourselves 

that have continually ‘othered’ us.

I love these people that I’ve found.

And I know they love me.

I feel there love in every breath I breathe

and every step I take.

I know they love me for all my idiosyncracies

and I know their love is true and I will hold that love with me

forever.

I don’t know what I did to deserve these people,

but they have become my family 

when those of my own blood were so out of reach.

I don’t know what I did to deserve those people.

Those who hold my idiosyncrasies as faults.

Those who don’t fully see the parts of me 

that are so important but still find issues within them.

Those who tell me those not-so-secret parts of me are disgusting and wrong.

Those who tell me their greatest failure was only the tip of the iceberg that is me.

I don’t know if I will be able to keep their love.

I have some of it now, 

but when they know the real me,

the not-so-secret parts of me,

will I lose that love forever?

Will all that I am be too much?

Will all that I am ever be enough?

I have the love of those around the world,

but that will never replace the love 

I am so desperate to have and to keep.

That will never replace the love 

of a mother or father

or of the siblings I have tried to protect.

The love I have is true,

but the love I could lose is everything. 

fel 'Love Surrounds Me"

[felsnot-so-secret-diary]

Soothe My Muscles Not My Heart

ive sat in the bath nearly an hour

the water is long since cold

i should get out

but I won't

here my tears mix with the salty water,

meant to soothe my sore muscles

but the muscle that aches the most

is the one salty water

cant reach

the hot (cold) water wont help me now

now i just sit

and listen to the music i shouldn't

not like this

because it makes my heart ache more

but at least here im alone

and the music makes me feel understood

so ill stay here soaking

in the tear filled water

until i can't handle the cold anymore

until the tears stop flowing

and i can pretend again

ill stare at the messages you sent

unable to open them

unable to respond

willing you to beg for me

willing you to show me you really love me

willing myself to be all that you want

willing myself to finally 𝘧𝘪𝘯𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘺

be worthy of the type of love i give so easily

but never receive

fel 'Soothe My Muscles Not My Heart'

[felsnot-so-secret-diary]

4/3/23- A Bit of Advice

my bit of advice

for myself

is to be happy,

not in the fake happy

way, but in the

do what makes you happy

way

your life is your own

and it is the only

life you get

so be happy.

find what brings you joy

and hold on tight

put yourself first

follow your own advice

be happy.

-fel 'A Bit of Advice'

[felsnot-so-secret-diary]

4/2/23- eavesdrop

sometimes i dream

you can eavesdrop on my thoughts

you wouldn't like what you heard

but maybe you would understand

maybe like a clock maker

you could see what makes me tick

and hear the sounds of my heart

and you would understand

you could fix it by taking me apart

seeing the inner workings

and carefully putting me back together

piece by piece

if you could eavesdrop on my mind

on my heart

you would be able to see the light

that is back in my eye

you could see why my hidden dimple

is visible again

you could see i am whole

once more

you may not like it

but maybe you woul understand

maybe you would see

my inner workings

and love me still

-fel "eavesdrop"

[felsnot-so-secret-diary]

4/1/23- Visions of The Future

i lay awake each night

with visions of the future

and for the first time,

i don't fear them.

for the first time,

i welcome them.

for the first time,

i let them wash over me

and i bask in the warmth

of their possibilities.

the fear ive always felt

is still there,

but the excitement

is finally louder.

my nature is to cower

and bow down to the fear.

for the first time,

i don't want to.

for the first time,

i want to stand and welcome

the visions of the future.

for the first time,

i want to see my future

because the future i see each night

is not one to fear,

its one i want to welcome

because its one full of you.

-Fel "Visions of The Future

[felsnot-so-secret-diary]

guys i know im already 8 days late for escapril but i just did the first one so I'm gonna post it and hopefully catch up this weekend 💜💜💜

[felsnot-so-secret-diary]

Plague My Dreams

id say you plague my dreams,

but that would mean it was unwanted.

so i say that even in sleep

my mind is full of you.

id say you plague my dreams,

but my dreams have never felt this sweet.

so i say that for the first time,

my mind feels warm and safe

because you are there.

id say you plague my dreams,

but you are the cure not my curse.

so i sleep soundly with you

on my mind.

id say you plague my dreams,

but that's not right.

id say more

but i can't.

so i say goodnight.

-Fel "Plague My Dreams"

quick little poem before bed 💜

[felsnot-so-secret-diary]

Never Simple

life is never simple

i will never get to be myself

to love myself

to love who i want to love

to be happy.

i can't have nice things

because nice things deserve to be seen

not hidden away

not a secret.

but i will always have to be a secret

because i can never be

happy

open

me.

because im scared

im absolutely terrified of what will happen

if i show who i really am

if i allow myself to exist however i want

with whomever i want.

life is never simple

but it should be.

i will never be happy

but i should be.

fel "Never Simple"

[felsnot-so-secret-diary]

Under the Same Moon

here we sit

under the same moon

but not together

i see you in the stars

the shining wonder

in the dark of night

this same moon

that we see from miles apart

would be nothing

without her stars

I search for you

in all the constellations

but their warmth is nothing

compared to yours

now i sit and watch the stars

the same ones you see

and i feel closer to you

under our same moon

fel "Under the Same Moon"

[felsnot-so-secret-diary]

The Weeds

i have been tangled in the weeds

for so long

the weeds of my past

and the weeds of my future

feeling them wrap tighter and tighter

the more i pull away

the more they grow

the weeds of my past

dragging me down

the weeds of my unknown future

closing off my escape

if only i wasn't focused

on the past and the future

if only i had looked

at my present

i would have seen

the weeds of my past

and the weeds of my future

were my roots holding me steady

all along

fel "The Weeds"

sorry i haven't posted in ages but here is a poem i wrote this week 💜

[felsnot-so-secret-diary]

Invisible

i am invisible

no one sees me

am i even here

do i even matter

nothing matters

no one sees me

i do not matter

or exist

i am just the shell

of who i once was

not really even here

you watch me sob

and do nothing

you do not love me

i do not matter

i am not even a blip in your life

i do not matter

because i am

invisible

fel "Invisible"

[felsnot-so-secret-diary]

now back to regularly scheduled once in a blue moon poems on here LMFAO

[felsnot-so-secret-diary]

not a poem but its taking me a bit to re learn tumblr,,,,, this space will continue to be my poetry and my fandom stuff will be on @multishowfan idk how to make it when i follow people it comes from that url LMAO

[felsnot-so-secret-diary]

Before I Can't

I'm trapped.

I need to get out before I can't.

I see my way out but don't know how to get there.

But I need it.

I need it like I need air.

I need to get out.

I can finally see

the things I've been begging for for years

and I don't want to lose it.

I finally see my light

in this everlasting darkness

and I don't want to let it get out of my reach,

because I don't want to stay

trapped any longer.

fel "Before I Can't"

[felsnot-so-secret-diary]

okay i created @multshowfan here too

http://multishowfan.tumblr.com

[felsnot-so-secret-diary]

if you like my writing and want to read my fanfic for ofmd its over on my twitter @/multishowfan!! https://twitter.com/multishowfan/status/1547419970166046720?t=_99G5bRk_KxaF8UldfrvKg&s=19

[felsnot-so-secret-diary]

i have written new poetry recently..... maybe i should post it (i dont have it with my atm so it will be later if i do)